Adjusting to 'terrible' twos ...

[mummylonglegs]

Ok, I know everyone's already posted loads about this but I'm struggling slightly to keep up with the pace at which dd's changed from co-operative, sunny, fun, affectionate to stroppy, negative, difficult child. She's not very well at the moment so I'm sure that's part of the problem. But for the last few days all I've heard from here seems to be 'no!' plus she's so impossibly fussy about having things 'precisely' as she wants them. Virtually every thing we do is a battle and I'm knackered.

Anyway, you all know the score but if anyone's going through similar and wants to share notes and if anyone can tell me how long the 'worst' of it goes on for I'd be grateful!

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I think with the "I want it/don't want it scenario" you have to give her one choice and if it is refused then remove the object whatever it is. 2 year old often don't know what they want and to just keep on offering it and taking it away again just confuses them. Also its a way of playing power games with you.

Sometimes it can be the opposite (just to confuse us!) and they do want the milk or whatever but its given the 'wrong' way or is in the wrong colour cup or whatever. Again probably best to just take it out of sight. Say something like "we'll get it later". Might be a short tantrum but better than a long protracted session of a battle of wills.

My dd is 2.10 and is slowly coming out of this. Fortunately she's not been too contradictory about what she wants but tends to want things that are impossible ifywim. Good luck.

My DS 2.10 can be a little horror at times, but he can also be a darling. He goes through phases. His favourite saying was 'I'm not your friend mummy' but this has changed a little. He now says 'I'm not your friend mummy but I still love you!' I think he started saying that after I told him I was still his mummy and still loved him even if he wasn't my friend!
It can be so hard, especially after putting up with tantrums all day. I'm trying the distraction tactic, stop the tantrum before it blows up! I keep telling myself, he will grow out of it!

Funnily enough, Posey, dd is very 'polite.' I did exactly what you've done a few months ago and when we got the 'I WANT ...' stuff I said to her 'you will almost always get what you want if you ask nicely' and so most of the time now she says 'pweez mummy, can I have a ... ?' it's only when she's in strop mode that it all falls apart.

That's what's so weird about this stage. They're either utter divine little angels you feel proud of or they're all over the place!

I do think at the moment I'm being a bit hard on dd as she's really not very well and not sleeping enough. I started to feel guilty about starting this thread right now as I don't think I can really gauge her behaviour properly while she's so under the weather.

... just said the last bit because I re-read some Christopher Green yesterday and he says that when they're ill etc. to just free-wheel with anything to do with 'discipline' as there's no point. Yesterday I did just that and the day was much more smooth, I just gave her very careful, gentle attention the whole time and she responded brilliantly. Can't do that all the time of course!

Hi Mummylonglegs,

My baby is still small so I'm still waiting for these kind of joys to begin. It sounds like hard work. I did see Trisha the other day where someone was having trouble with a toddler. There was a parenting expert there to help and he said that he advises people to strap their toddler into a pushchair whenever they need to until they have calmed down and promise to be good. That way, you don't need to worry about her hurting herself in the bathroom.

When he said it, I must admit that I had slight reservations because it might make a toddler start to hate pushchairs but it could be worth a go.

Ponka,

They tend to hate pushchairs anyway so it probably would do no harm

Hmmm ... not so sure about that being strapped in not being able to do any harm ... My friend's 3yr Ds can very happily turn his pushchair over with himself strapped into it when in full-blown tantrum mode!

Just seen this thread - mummylonglegs, your milk conversation made me hoot! Have 2 1/2 year old daughter who runs our home like a dictatorship. Most of the time she's bright and funny but we've been getting the 4.30am tantrum - I don't want to go to bed / I'm tired/ wrong pyjamas/ wrong parentetc.

I guess you have to weather it and hang on to the good times - such as when DD asked "will the baby come out of your tummy booby?" (my sticky out belly button as I'm 8 months pregnant!) The joys of parenthood....

Had to join this thread as my ds1 (nearly 2 1/2) is driving me bats too but today I lost it with two "ladies" in a cafe who were giving me disapproving looks as ds1 removed the books from the shelves whilst I was dealing with ds2 (11 months).

Apparently we should not have been in the cafe despite the fact that it has highchairs and serves children's food and we had had to leave the park as it was so bloody cold that ds2 was crying with frostbite!

Have to say that giving them a piece of my mind made me feel better at the time...

Good for you Persil!

We have a rule in our house with DS (2y7m) that he doesn?t get ANYTHING he is crying for. We tell him we can?t understand what he is saying when he?s crying. This usually results in instant cessation of the crying and he tells us in a more composed coherent manor what he wants. If its something he has already been told he can?t have/do I will normally present him with a choice of what it is I want him to have/do and tell him ?this or that ? your choice? even if the ?that? is nothing. So far he seems to see this as him getting the upper hand and complies. Don?t know how far we will get with this but so far so good.
If things do break down and he has a really bad strop, I tell him I don?t like his behaviour and proceed to ignore him, but make sure he knows I am ignoring him. He absolutely HATES this and normal behaviour soon resumes along with lots of ?sorry mummy?, kisses and cuddles.
Oh well, only the threenager bit to get through now--right?

Oh, afraid not, vala, then there'll be the four-teens. I've heard that is the year of the worst 'back-chat' ...

Persil, I honestly think older people forget how hard it can be looking after a toddler (or two!), either that or they want to get revenge on all the people who tut-tutted at them in their day. The ones that get me the most round here (busy SE London area) are the old folk on the bus who seem to think it is a mortal offense to take a pram onto a bus, especially if it's a pram with a grumbly child in it.

One thing I've wondered about re. the 'manners' side of things. My dd has developed a very sweet way of asking for things with a 'pweez' which then makes it extra hard to say no!! For instance when going for her nap today she wanted me to lie down with her and was asking SO damned sweetly I felt a right rotter saying no ...

Oh the manipulative little monkeys! From my 21/2 year old I get "Mummy I want a snuggle with you" then the requests for things that normally get a no response !!

Where in the SE are you Mummylonglegs - I'm in Greenwich!

I was going to start a thread on this but mll has beaten me to it! DS1 is 2.3 and is driving me absolutely nuts - I could've written the milk conversation myself - it's sooooo familiar! The CONSTANT barrage of demands and contradictions - 'want a drink - want juice in monkey cup - no want milk in elephant cup - no put it back - want juice in elephant cup' and he NEVER says please even though I feel like a demented lady reminding him every time. Everything I do is wrong and brings on the hysterics.
Ds2 is 3 months and just getting to that gorgeous baby stage, smiling and cooing and being generally very delicious, and I remember how ds1 used to be and dread the day ds2 changes. I'd love to spend more time playing with ds2 but it's so hard when ds1 is taking so much of my attention and at the end of the day I feel completely done in.
Still it does help to know I'm not alone!

mummydreamer, you're just down the road from me! I'm 10 minutes to the West of you, near to Surrey Quays / Bermondsey. I'm always nipping to Greenwich, we may even have brushed shoulders in the Maritime Museum. .

vivie, what happens with that cup scenario (which is familiar ) if you say 'oh well then, no juice until you decide on a cup' sigh and just walk away, ignore him and do something else? I've found that quite works with dd, i.e. I'm not going to play a game about it. Either that or reduce the cup options so there's only 1 possible choice!

I know exactly what you mean mummylonglegs!

My dd says i like you laying with me mummy, and please can i have ......, Sorry mummy (with big soppy eyes) or can i just have a little one? (with two fingers demonstrating just how little a chocolate she would be satisfied with.)

The really do know how to make us feel bad don't they!

Fran1!

Dd sometimes says when she wants to hold something she shouldn't have, with those huge blue eyes of hers, 'please mummy, can I just hold it a little minute?' in the most delightful way ...

VERY hard to resist. If they all realised how they get away with virtually anything by being adorable and get away with virtually nothing when being obnoxious, we'd probably have a toddler revolution on our hands ...

myds will be 3 in a fortnight and has just started having these fits! Isn't he a bit late for this now? He alternates between being an angel, and the child from hell. It really drives me bats. He starts softly moaning 'I don't' which can refer to absolutly anything from going out, to having breakfast to not coming out of shower. He then steps it up and bawls and screams for up to an hour. Nothing, just nothing stops it. I can't believe he isn't hoarse at the end of it. He screamed last week when out for a walk 'I don't want a stick' (to hold)- he hadn't got one!!
My older 2 never did this once. Based on his age, will it stop quicker?

Ooh, we haven't had screaming for up to an hour yet thank goodness!

From what I've heard any age might bring about the strops. Or the tantrums. I've been happily telling myself for ages that as dd hasn't tantrummed yet by 2.5 we're maybe going to escape it, only to be told that if they don't do it in the 2's they do it 10 times worse in the 3's!

The cup thing seems to be familiar to many of us! I tell ds that he can have juice in his monkey cup (or whatever I've got for him) then if he doesn't drink it I take it away and ignore him. But it's hard to ignore his rection to this! It's the unpredictability of it that does my head in - one minute we're happily reading a story that we've read happily many, many times and the next he's freaking out because I've not read it right or not properly described the truck's exhaust pipe or something. Or the mashed potato is touching the peas or I'm using the wrong type of lego brick or there's a stalk on his raisin or... - well, you all know what I mean.

Oh yes, vivie, they're such perfectionists. They want things to happen always the same way and to have things just how they want them. I find when I'm playing with dd that lots of 'suggestions' I make aren't 'perfect' enough whereas in the past I could seemingly do no wrong!

Hi,
I know how you feel - you just can't please them!
Our daughter is 20 months old and since few months ago she's been driving us nuts with constant whinging! She's extremely good in some respect - she'll go down by 7.30pm without a fuss (unless she's ill when it's more difficult to make her lie down), she'll usually enjoy getting dressed in the mornings, and she will sleep till around 8am most days. The trouble is, she still wakes 2-3 times a night for milk and we can't do ANYTHING to settle her apart from giving in and getting her milk. The thing causing most problems at the moment, is her whinging and crying all the time. Nursery says she's very sociable and all the kids seem to like her, but when she's with us at weekends, she's a different kid! She's constantly walking around the house demanding attention of some kind - she won't play on her own at all and she's not interested in any of her toys for more than 1 minute. She's forever in the kitchen crying for snacks, drinks, fruit... anything really. It's so bad we quite often avoid going to the kitchen apart to make emergency drinks or to make quick lunch whilst one of us distracts he for few minutes. Even then most likely scenario is that she ends up sitting on the kitchen side watching us prepare a meal. She's recently also been getting us to make breakfast and then refuse to eat it - same with lunch or dinner. She might have a mouthfull and then she'll just say "no more". But she's hungry of course and few minutes later she'll want a banana or grapes... And then we end up going in a vicious circle - she whinges, we get. We dread weekends and are absolutely exhausted at the end of each day - why can't she just be happy? We can't possibly be giving in to her demands all the time otherwise we're worried she'll just become spoilt little monkey.