How long would you leave an overtired 8 week old crying ?

[Looby34]

Despite watching my ds (8 weeks) for cues he is tired, he is quite hard to read and sometimes gets overtired and then impossible to settle.

Sometimes I sit next to his cot and try shushing him, sometimes I sit with him on my knee (in desperation), shushing him with his dummy in his mouth. You can see he is knackered but won't give in to it.

Tonight after trying to get him off to sleep several times (unsuccessfully) I left him crying in his room for 10 minutes or so. His cries became less frequent and eventually he fell asleep.

I am wondering whether I should just leave him to when it happens again - and how long it is OK to leave him for.

Any thoughts would be appreciated - plsu tips on how to settle an overtired lo.

Thanks

[morningpaper]

Personally I would also not let amy 8 week old by themselves to cry

But whether you do so probably largely depends on how distressing you find the sound of your own crying infant

This is one of the most contentious issues in parenting and you will get a very contradictory set of answers, sorry You will need to decide what's right for you

Perhaps if you find it distressing leaving him to cry, then go and sit by him or comfort him in the way you feel is natural to you

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

MsDemeanour, there's a lot of evidence to show that leaving babies to cry is damaging in the long term. This evidence does come from extreme situations though. I agree very much that extra handling can be totally counterproductive.

I think they key thing is that all babies are different and if you've got some whingeing and you know it will fade if you leave them in peace then by all means be present but stop stimulating them - no jiggling shushing or whatever. Likewise if you have a screamer who gets worse when left then it's fairly obvious that leaving them, even to make a cuppa, is a bit heartlesds because they're upset and they need you.

There's no one size fits all for this one.

[May2December]

Trust your instincts Looby, bollocks to 'research and experts' you're doing fantastic!

[MsDemeanor]

I could not agree more that one size does not fit all
Absolutely.
I also believe that tired babies cry from pure tiredness, not necessarily because they feel cruelly abandoned.
But then my ds also hated his sling when he was tired too and in later life (now 7) has been completely unable to sleep in a room with someone else in it - even me. 'Mummy please go out the room and let me have a lovely sleep' was just about his first ever sentence! He's been an odd one since birth

[MsDemeanor]

But I am also completely all for sleepign with your babies, breastfeeding, cuddling, whatever it takes!

[May2December]

IateRosemary, maybe your DS would not sleep because you never allowed him to get on with it!

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

May2December, that's really kind of you to offer such a great insight to the hell that was DS's first 6 months.

If you had even the slightest, vaguest grasp of what we went through you'd be a bit less flippant. Yes, including having to sit through 45 minutes of screaming at a time (and I mean proper, distressed crying - the sort that makes you drop everything because it sounds like your child has impaled themselves on something) because DP was convinced DS just needed to be left to it and wouldn't believe me that it wouldn't work.

DS still needs someone patting him to allow him to focus on sleep when he is painful from teeth or sore guts, so how on earth we were supposed to manage when he was an exhausted, miserable baby full of painful trapped wind which responded to nothing I don't know. Leaving him alone to scream in pain wasn't an option.

But thanks.

[May2December]

Big apologies, I did not mean to sound so smug and judgy! I've had a poor sleeper too, so I know about some of what you describe. I sincerely did not mean to upset you - it was a stupid throw away remark made without knowing you or your situation - sorry!

[SixSpotBurnet]

I don't think that 10 minutes sounds dreadful, honestly.

I used to have to sit in a darkened room with DS3 and hold him very tightly to get him to fall asleep.

Fortunately my other two DSs were a bit easier to settle.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

No worries M2D. Still a bit of a sore point, as you can possibly guess.

[MsDemeanor]

non sleepers are a nightmare, I know, which is why I try not to be too judgemental. Also when you've had one that cries for hours on end night after night, ten minutes of crying seems like nothing at all. If crying itself damaged very small babies so much, then I'd have no hope at all - and I was holding mine!

[MsDemeanor]

Leaving young babies for hours or leaving them when their crying gets increasingly distressed or hysterical is horrible though. I agree with that.

[TheDuchessOfNorksBride]

DC1 and DC4 could (and did) scream at full volume for a minimum of 2 or 3 hours every evening, regardless of slings, cuddles, b/f, or anything. I was so wrecked after another evening of trying to placate DC1 that I put her down in her cot and walked away for a damn sight longer than 10 minutes. And she went to sleep. And I learned that she needed to be left in peace to get the sleep she needed (and she's now a very confident and independent child of 6 with no sleep problems), a similar approach is suiting DC4. In contrast, DC2 & DC3 could be comforted to sleep in the way that most on this thread are suggesting (they are also confident and have no sleep problems).

With regard to the thinking that babies left to cry feel "that they're not worthy" - wouldn't older siblings feel the same way because everytime the baby cried mummy had to stop reading to them, or playing with them or making their dinner etc? I certainly can't do homework with my eldest two when DC4 kicks off because nobody can hear a damn thing!

[May2December]

I agree with these posts, all babies are different and all parents are different, what is right for one baby would be wrong for another, so saying never ever leave a baby to cry at all is as bad as saying never ever comfort a crying baby once they are in bed for the night - both are silly statements, you need to trust your instincts and learn from your baby what they really need (by trial and error usually - on what seems to work).

I do think that if a baby learns to self settle early you will have fewer problems later on (and less stress) but I learned this after 2 hard years with ds1.

[JodieG1]

Personally I wouldn't leave an 8 week old crying for 5 secconds. Far too young to understnad and why would you want to? Babies cry, surely we all know that before having them?

Pick them up and cuddle them imo, and I have 3 so not pfb.

[MsDemeanor]

"Why would you want to", well, duh, maybe because they are happier that way?
You may have had three, but have you ever had a child who wanted to sleep alone?
It's nothing to do with making them 'understand' anything. It's to do with meeting their needs (ie their need to sleep)

[TattooedGrrrl]

i wouldn't, but that's me.

[Looby34]

MsDemeanour - this is the same approach I use. I put ds down in his cot about 10 minutes ago as he was doing the '7 mile stare' and yawning. I stood loitering in his room, shushing him etc while he kept spitting his dummy out and looking at me as if to say 'don't go'. I came down here to turn the lap top on, his cries got shorter and more spaced apart - and I haven't heard him on the monitor for the last 5 minutes. I will go up in 5 and check. I think me staying up there with him prolongs it.

I wouldn't leave for any longer than 10 minutes, but the way I think about it if you wait with them until they're asleep - they'll get used to it and won't be able to settle themselves.

I have another child so I don't have long periods of time to sit with ds. She was incredibly easy, though we did leave her to cry on occasion and she is a happy, confident little girl. I don't see any harm came to her because we left her - though appreciate we mightn't se that at this stage (She is 2.5)??

(Actually - I can hear some little noises on the monitor - he is still awake, but sucks his fingers to self soothe. If he can get himself to sleep at 8 weeks, I'm thrilled !)

Thanks though - for everyone's perspectives, it is always good to know what other Mum's do.

(No noise coming from monitor now - 10 minutes after leaving him).

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

Looby I completely agree with that (and it worked for my two).

[Looby34]

Think I have been exceptionally lucky with both my two. I get stressed if he cries for half an hour - never mind two or three hours like some of the lo's of the posters on here.

I'm counting my blessings neither of them had colic !!!!!

[Onestonetogo]

Message withdrawn

[MsDemeanor]

ah, it's the cod psychology thread. 'desert him'
Yes, because it's a brutal desertion to be out of sight for ten minutes isn't it? What bad, bad, women we are, eh?

[kwaker5]

My baby used to cry more when tired if he was held and fiddled with, then found it harder to settle. He settled much more quickly if left alone (although made me feel as though I must be doing something horribly wrong....).

Babies do cry when they are tired, although it seems to be the last reason many people want to believe! I think it is also often the reason for tantrums when older (the toddler version of it).

[quinne]

babies cry for a reason. maybe its oonly to get comfort but that is still a reason. 8 weeks is way to early to start training them into a behaviour pattern. follow yuour instincts and if your child is crying then soothe them.
If they are over tired then fill them up with food and take them out fora walk/ drive so that they can get some sleep.

I had a friend who followed a certain bringing baby up manual. Her baby would scream but the mother would smile pleased that she was so strong she could ignore. the baby would be rigid with fear at being left crying and still she'd ignore her. in the end my DH couldn't stand it and snuck in to comfort the baby himself. Byu the time the child was 4 she was seeing a psychiatrist.