How long would you leave an overtired 8 week old crying ?

[Looby34]

Despite watching my ds (8 weeks) for cues he is tired, he is quite hard to read and sometimes gets overtired and then impossible to settle.

Sometimes I sit next to his cot and try shushing him, sometimes I sit with him on my knee (in desperation), shushing him with his dummy in his mouth. You can see he is knackered but won't give in to it.

Tonight after trying to get him off to sleep several times (unsuccessfully) I left him crying in his room for 10 minutes or so. His cries became less frequent and eventually he fell asleep.

I am wondering whether I should just leave him to when it happens again - and how long it is OK to leave him for.

Any thoughts would be appreciated - plsu tips on how to settle an overtired lo.

Thanks

[May2December]

I breastfed all my babies earliest weaned was 7 months latest 12 months (baby led). I do think breastfeeding is a good idea - if it suits both baby and mother but I would never say it is 'best' for every baby and mother. Onestonetogo - just wait until sibling rivalry kicks in your 3 year old won't understand then that ds2 gets his needs met pronto while he has to wait (I'm not critising you for dealing with a baby immediately btw just your rigid views on it). When I had just 2 - the baby always had to wait when I was feeding or reading to DS1 and now she understands taking turns.

[Onestonetogo]

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[Onestonetogo]

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[May2December]

I disagree that 15 minutes is a very very long time to leave a crying baby - in the scheme of things it is a very short time. I wonder how your three year old feels when you rush to your baby everytime it crys. What about their needs etc. Each to their own but I don't read baby manuals or psychologists research I trust my own instincts and FWIW my mother was a 'loving responsive mother who fulfilled our physical and emotional needs and left us to cry as well. She is also very tolerant of other proples parenting styles (I hope you manage to be if you become a grandparent).

[Onestonetogo]

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[May2December]

Onestonetogo - my parenting style does not reflect my mothers, I never left ds 1 to cry at all (should have though on reflection). Babies can self soothe and many do (just because yours doesn't it is silly to say none can). Of course I feel an urge to sooth my baby (as my mum did if you read my earlier post). I don't live in the black and white world you live in, where it is always wrong to let a baby cry. Perhaps if you had more than two children (including a baby) you would feel differently.

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

they did lOL! I was better at interpreting ds1 though, because he only cried for something. He never cried about anything. Ds2 seemed to cry about things, and is to this day more sensitive.

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

Babies can self soothe. Ds1 did.

[Onestonetogo]

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[Onestonetogo]

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[ThatBigGermanPrison]

It can be done, it really can. Ds1's sleep crying was - well you could really hear, in his cries "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh go away. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm bolloxed. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shut the fuck up and leave me alone. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so bloody tired."

And if you picked him up it escalated rapidly.

But with ds2, you could hear in his cries "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh wear the hell is my mummy, argh argh argh pick me up pick me up, oh my fucking GOD am on my own here? ARGGGHHHHHHHHH help, help, help, Arghhhhhhhhhh oh god oh god oh god...." and when you picked him up (which I did^) he stopped, or at least calmed.

So yes, they are all different. If I'd only had the secnd, I'd have thought people were cruel to leave them, if I'd only had the first I'd have thought they were cruel not to.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

Having read through this thread again I can see a definite thread. There's a divide between those who have had babies which cry before sleep but in the "moany" way described, and for these babies the crying is a precursor to sleep and doesn't seem to signify great distress. And then there are those whose babies cry - really cry, and struggle to get to sleep because of pain/overtiredness/whatever.

To the first group of people the idea of leaving a child to cry seems perfectly reasonable - it's only a little whinge before sleep and they drop off nicely in a few minutes, and what's the harm?

To the second group, the idea of leaving your child to cry for any period of time is completely appalling because the crying is hysterical and distressing for both baby and parent.

The problem comes when people think a piece of advice can apply to any baby. I got loads of helpful advice when DS was tiny (he definitely belonged to the latter group!) but I was persuaded by some people to leave him to cry. I tried on occasion but in retrospect it was absolutely the wrong thing for him. I had been taking advice from people who evidently had no experience of a baby like him. Everyone got on loads better when we made sure we were there for him in the way that seemed to help him most at that stage.

I guess it's a longwinded way of reiterating that they are all different - and that what works beautifully for one baby won't work at all for the next. I really do think that unless you've had direct experience of an unsettleable baby you haven't a clue how tough it is, especially with pressure to just leave them to it coming from all angles. Likewise, I cannot comprehend that it's possible to put a baby down in a cot and walk away without some sort of meltdown resulting. I'm hoping my next one will demonstrate that it can be done though!

[May2December]

In the 1970's my mother followed 'expert advice' and left my brother and I to cry imbetween our 4 hourly feeds for however long we cried for - she had been told it would 'spoil' us if she did otherwise. She bitterly regrets this now since becoming a grandmother (this is pehaps the other extreme of expert opinion and emphasises the need for each mother to trust her own instincts on her own babies needs). A footnote to this story, have my brother or I been damaged in anyway by this treatment? - well, neither of us remembers a thing about it, neither of us have self-esteem issues, mental health probs or psychological damage - we are both happily married with families of our own and love our mother dearly.

There are much more important things a parent can do to make a child feel secure than not letting them cry for a second, being a relaxed unstressed parent for one!

[Flossish]

My dd screams herself to sleep. If I could have realised she just needed to be left for 10-15 minutes at 8 weeks old I would have had a much more enjoyable start with DD because as it was she would scream whether left or not. She's been screaming again today for her nap this morning. Other than this she is now a very chilled out contented baby. Do what your instincts say are right.

[May2December]

Onestonetogo - I disagree with you, sometimes a mother's presence prevents sleep. I agree one way of dealing with crying babies is not better tham another - just different. Everyone who believes 'some experts' view to never ever leave a baby to cry may be out of touch with their own instincts. Some babies cry whatever you do and crying is not always about intense distress in an infant.

I try to think of it as letting them cry a bit rather than leaving them to cry (and never for more than 15 minutes and only for a moany cry - not an incessant hysterical cry). Even with older babies I have never left them to cry for long, I haven't had to because they self settle and get the sleep they need - that's not been smug it took me a long time to work out with ds 1). If you never let your baby cry for a second that is your choice and I respect that, I do not think it wrong just different to mine (you must be exhausted). Also all the friends of mine who have 3 or more children have had to let babies cry a bit at times out of necessity.

[NoBiggy]

Have only skimmed this thread, so, I'll ignore the ding-dong and offer my method which has worked for two babies.

You have to get their full attention and make them forget anything else is there. Then they relax and drift off. This is my experience.

Here's how I did it:

Get very close to the babies face, either holding with their head in the crook of my arm, held high, or laying alongside on a bed. Blow gently across their face while making a low humming noise (think didgeridoo). Either the baby settles, or I have to stop for a moment because I've gone light-headed.

Worked like a charm. But any spectators would make me laugh, then I couldn't do it. It's a private thing

[pinkspottywellies]

To be honest my dd didn't ever get over-tired that young. She just slept all the time! But as she got older I knew that in 10 mins she would go to sleep but also that if I went in to try and 'help' that we would be back to square one! I would go in if her crying was different to normal or if it had been 10 mins and she wasn't settling but usually 10 mins was fine.

[Nighbynight]

stella, your next baby could be a sleep through dream babe though!

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

WTF?

Why would I apologise? For stating that Some Babies Just Cry?

No. I am not going to apologise for trying to set the OP's mind at ease. I'm not going to apologise for stating facts. My perceived aggressive tone is unfortunate, but nobody seems to be sobbing yet.