Ds's birthday party ruined about bully. I have had ENOUGH !!!!!!!!!

[Blossomhill]

I posted recently about my sensitive ds, aged 7. Since Reception class he has been with a boy who is such a bully and really imtimidates ds.
In reception class he kicked ds so hard that he left a big black bruise on his leg. In Year 1 he squeezed ds's privates so hard that ds was in tears when I picked him up as he said he had a stomach ache. There have been so many incidents to be honest. Towards the end of yr1 he suddenly started to really try and be ds's friend and ds joined the judo club he was in. I was really wary of the "friendship" but thought it was ds's choice and what could I do???
Thankfully they have been split this year but still continue going to judo together.
Ds doesn't play with him anymore but invited him to his party as he had been invited to his (crazy I know!!!). Last week they were both at a different party and dh took ds. Apparently this child started strangling ds and then threw him to the floor! When dh told me I was so upset. Anyway at ds's party before it had even started he ran up to ds and banged him in his eye twice with the palm of his hand, completely unprovoked . Ds was hysterical, his poor eye was bright red. The mum was embarrased and was going to take him home but changed her mind. He then attacked another child in the same way as ds, going again for this poor boy's eye. When it was time to give out drinks ds (being birthday boy) was at the front of the queue and this child was screaming in ds's face I WANT TO GO FIRST, over and over again. Ds was again in floods of tears and I just wanted the party over. The mum is seriously in denial that there is a problem and is not approachable. people have tried before but she doesn't want to know.
What on earth can I do?? I told ds to tell him he doesn't want to be his friend anymore and ds said he didn't want to hurt this other child's feelings [FFS!!].
I don't give a sh*t about this child. I just want him to leave poor ds alone
I have been awake since just after 6 thinking about it all. I am so angry and upset that ds has to put up with this. I have even been into school about it and nothing has happened Why are these children allowed to get away with terrorising others????

LIZS - I would help her but I doubt she would accept it to be honest.
I remember one boy in ds's class was scratched by this thug last year and the mum rang 's mum to tell her. Her answer was wait a minute I'll ask . * did you do it. he always says no as he is so sneaky. She then said he didn't say it and got really angry and defensive. Saying something like boys will be boys. We can fall out over this but they will be best friends again tomorrow. You cannot win.

Message withdrawn

Sounds awful, your poor little boy. It really does sound as if this other child has real problems -either undiagnosed special needs or perhaps he is himself experiencing or seeing violence / bullying at home? Maybe why his mum reacts as she does? I would definately speak strongly to the school, surely they have responsilities to protect the other children and to help / support this child if he is having problems. You should be able to leave your kids at school confident that they will be safe. Have any of the other parents been to see the teacher? What about the school governers?

I was thinking that to. I mean when helashed out at the other boy, his mum really shouted at *. He just looked expressionless, he didn't care at all!

Not *'s mum but the boy he hit!

Can I be a bit "Daily Telegraph" here?

He's a BULLY. Children of 7 know it's wrong to hit other kids - even if they see violence at home, I know this - and the reactions of everyone around him should make it clear that what he's doing is unacceptable. He may need help, his mother may be having a terrible time - there for the grace of God, etc - but that's not your problem.

Tell the school what's happening and keep your son away from him and tell him quite clearly why. My dd1 is friendly with a child whose behaviour towards her verges on bullying, and before it gets out of hand we've alerted the school and we're encouraging other children to come to tea so that this other girl doesn't become too important to her.
Hope it turns out ok.

BH - it is appalling that a lot of this bullying behaviour is happening at your ds's school. I would suggest that if you get no joy by complaining to the headteacher or the Chair of Governors' that you write to the Director of Education of your LEA - this issue then should get picked up and someone will get a boot up the jacksy!

It is hard to feel sympathy for this bully but there are some underlying issues here that need to be dealt with and the relevant professionals should be doing this.

Your ds seems a complete sweetheart for caring about this bully's feelings - you obviously are a top mum

Couldn't sleep last night thinking about all of this . Just kept replaying over and over again the vicious attack on Saturday. I am so, so angry . Honestly if you knew my ds he is the sweetest boy, so kind a nd considerate.
Had a long chat last night with ds and I explained that nobody had a right to touch or hurt his body. If it was to happen again he must tell the teacher and just avoid this boy at all costs.
I spoke to ds's teacher and she said that she will have a word with ds today and tell him that he must come and tell her as she will deal with it. That it is not acceptable behaviour.
I am sorry but the more I think about it the less sympathy I have for him and his family. All I care about is my son's happiness.

Maybe people have been too polite with the bully's mother or too sympathetic. Sounds to me she needs someone to get angry with her. Might give her a boot up the jacksy so she'll do something about it

The thing is it is them with the problem not us. By not dealing with it they are making ds part of it and I have seriously had enough.
I was just on the phone to dh and I just burst into tears. I cannot forget poor ds's face, it was heartbreaking

To me it seems as though the school is not dealing with this properly at all. 'Watching him like a hawk' as the teacher said to you, is just not practical - I mean she probably has 30 other children in the class and there's no way she'll be able to watch him all the time.

I honestly think you and dh (always looks like you're taking it more seriously if both of you turn up!) should book a meeting with the head. Explain that you feel your son is getting victimised and that you will not stand for any more of this. Also inform them that the next time there's an incident with your son, you'll be documenting everything so that you can keep track of how many incidents are occurring and the effect it's having on your child. For some reason, having written evidence or even the threat of it, often makes those in authority act!!

I do often feel sorry for schools - they have to deal with children who behave appallingly and then deal with the parents who do nothing to help their own children sort out the behaviour. But that's not your problem - you have to think of your son in this and I do think (as you do) that you have to step in.

one more thing - keep a note of all incidents: details, times, what happened , dates etc. Ammunition for any further action should it be necessary. You can tell the school and the boy's parent(s) you are doing this and that will wake them up perhaps. They need to know his violence is causing this level of concern. Your poor little boy - he sounds so kind and nice !

I'd make a point of telling the mother why DS wasn't going to go and play after school.

Nothing constructive to add except to reiterate what Donnie said about keeping note of where and when each incident happens and what this little horror did.

My dst have just started nursery and I've already spotted who the bully is. Luckily they have each other to support and keep away from him and I hope they never experience this.

It must be heartening though BH to see what a wonderful caring little boy your ds is. For him to think of others, even bullies, is such a good sign in one so young so if you need cheered up just think of that. Your ds is worth 1,000,000 of this other boy. (Agree that there is probably something happening in this childs home to make him act like this. The school really should be putting more of an effort into finding out why the mother isn't recognising her sons problem. God, if either of my two dared do any of that!!!! I would hope not.)