3 year old still hitting and knows it

[Zarah786]

My DS turned 3 last week. His behaviour is generally fine, he loves sharing, loves family activities and meeting others. If he goes for a snack he makes sure to get the same for his sister who is 6 years older than him.

He however since he was smaller hits his sister and in recent months hits me too, sometimes even kicks. He however has not done this to his dad or anyone else.

I have tried everything from stern nos, to time outs, to ignoring, to distract him, naughty step, to calmly ask what is wrong. Although the situation diffuses fast his hitting behaviour is still present.

I thought he would grow out of it, thought as communication gets better, which it is then the hitting would stop and also put it down to crankiness.

But on some days after a good sleep, his playing with his sister and will get upset over whatever is upsetting him then will hit her.

I'm not sure what else I can do? Worried I may be making it worse.....

Gentle reminders and also a timely "No, do not hit Sister!" just before he hits. And offer alternative words for him to use.

At the dinner table, every night after eating a lovely main meal together, say, "Who has earnt some ice-cream?"

Ask, "Sister, have you hit anyone today?" No. Give Sister a scoop.
Daddy, have you hit anyone today? No. Give Daddy a scoop.
Mummy, have you hit anyone today? No. Give Mummy a scoop.
Three-year-old, have you hit anyone today? Yes. He gets no scoop.

Try that for a month.

Don't use the no ice-cream in negociations, nor threats. The child will work it out after the tenth night of no icecream.

Everytime he hits repeat the phrase "ouch! Hitting hurts. If you hit me/sister, I/sister will move away from you."
He might test you a cpuple of times so make sure you follow through and move away or move your daughter away and tell him you will play when he's not hitting.
Not all 3 year olds know that they are causing pain so it is important to explain why it's not ok (hitting hurts) and then you are showing and enforcing boundaries by moving away.
Do this everytime he hits and hopefully he will grow out of it.

With my autistic son if I said no smacking he would only hear the smacking, so we went with "remember we use our hands to hug" or "have you used your hands to be kind?" Stuff like that. Sounds really soft and wishy washy but it's like in school, if you say, "no running" rather than, "walking please" all they hear is running

Not sure if using food as a reward/lack of as a punishment is the way forward. Could lead to a lifetime of food issues/eating disorders.
If I did something as a child that my father deemed naughty I was sent to bed without an evening meal....in my teens I was hospitalised for an eating disorder. Fast forward many years and I still don't have a healthy relationship with food. Don't do this to your child.
I have a daughter and we used the "naughty step" from ages of about 3-5 after that we just didn't seem to need it anymore - I'm not saying she turned into an angelic child but she behaved and talking to her was enough if she was naughty.

My autistic daughter hits out a lot and it’s hard not to take it personally or get angry. She’s almost 8 now. At 3, I’d be giving him something he can hit such as a cushion. It’s likely he still doesn’t have that impulse control.

Be consistent. Ignore the behaviour, first time move away and sternly say "no we don't hit", afterwards continue to move away to a set place with no other attention given.
When your 3 year old is behaving, loads of praise, soon learn that he gets more attention for being good.

It won't change over night and 3 year olds test boundaries. Be consistent for as long as it takes.

Jesus Christ why not just go for full on public humiliation!

@Zarah786 please do not use food or this style of humiliation to correct your son's behaviour. Taking away food as a form of punishment can lead to all other kinds of issues.

If nothing you are doing is working, speak to your health visitor or if he is at nursery have a word with his key worker to see if they can reinforce learning about 'kind hands'.

What is happening leading up to the act of hitting/kicking? Is he playing nicely or getting frustrated about something?

There maybe a video on YouTube you could watch with him (aimed at his age group) about hitting others. Or even a a story book if he would sit and watch/read with you.

I could have written this post myself! My son is 2.5 & hits or bites whenever he doesn’t get his own way. He’s pretty big & tough & it hurts! My elder son (5) didn’t display this behaviour, but then I suppose he didn’t have a big brother, so got all of our attention. I’ve been called into nursery over it too.
I think about it ALL the time, but mostly I’m just keeping the faith that we’re doing the right thing & he will grow out of it. We’re trying to spend more time doing things with the 2.5 year old rather than leaving the two siblings to play.

Not to raise paranoia but I would question why he only hits you and your daughter and not your husband. I would observe people around him. How is your husband's behavior around women or how do other females at the daycare treat him. I would try to find the root cause... A kid doesn't just repeatedly hit and there seems to be a pattern.

He doesn't hit at preschool but at home, most of his down time is with his sister or myself until my husband is home. He hits his sister when they 'fall' out, I would say DD tries to parent him or winds him up and when I try and diffuse the situation then he hits me, assuming he is the most comfortable with us both. If my husband tries to diffuse a situation then DS will have a meltdown and start crying.

I would however say, as his vocabulary is increasing the hitting is reducing but I want to make sure I am addressing anything underlying. Outside of these short moments, he is very caring, comes and asks me for a drink and make sure he takes his sister one, when they're not winding one another up they play nicely, lots of family activities, its mainly when I leave DD and DS to play alone together something goes wrong! There is a 5-6 year age gap between the two so I suspect it could be down to that whereas at preschool everyone is in the same age group.

This. It's like using don't forget X instead of do remember X. Do statements are more effective. Even with my DH, I have found that remember to do X is far more effective than don't forget to do X. All to do with neurolinguistic programming or some such.

@Zarah786

"as his vocabulary is increasing the hitting is reducing"

This is exactly what happened with my younger child. She was frustrated because her extremely verbal older brother would say something that she didn't have the verbal nimbleness to answer (and to be fair, some of the things he said could be annoying or bossy). So she would whack him. She was a big strong toddler and I was really quite worried she'd do it at nursery (where she was one of the tallest) and seem like a big bully.

We did a lot of "gentle hands, we don't hit, no shoving" and removing her from the situation, but I think the main thing that helped was just a little bit more time. They're only 19 months apart so it wasn't too long before she was just as able to express herself as he was, and they became good friends. She's still a bit more feisty than he is but definitely non-violent!

It's worth remembering that although they are increasingly verbally sophisticated at three, it's not on the level of an older sibling, and neither is their impulse control.

Try and put words to what he’s experiencing as you need to help him name his experience. Language is needed to regulate but he can’t do that yet. You must do it for him - he won’t be able to tell you. Say something like, ‘you’re very upset and angry that your sister has…’ or ‘you’re angry that mummy won’t let you do that’ I wouldn’t worry

You are doing all the right things and there are some good approaches here to try as well. Kids are all different, so don't panic that he's a violent natured kid or anything like that. Impulse control and unarticulated frustration are common causes I think. Just love him, model gentleness, react firmly when he hits and praise his good behaviour. It might take a year or two for him to learn a new way of managing his behaviour, but he will. Good luck. Parenting is relentless huh?

He's still very little and learning to manage his emotions. As long as the approach is gentle I don't think there's a male violence concern here. He's still a baby.

You've had some great ideas on here already, well apart from the ice-cream. Which 3 year old can deal with delayed gratification?

I'd just like to suggest this simple progress checker, just to make sure his speech and language are on track.

This brief article on hitting and biting might be useful too.

The feelings book is said to be good. If you ask at your local library they may be able to suggest more books on dealing with emotions and hitting.

Learn a Lot Avocados might teach him a little about other peoples emotions.

I hope some of these help. My DD was a biter but only bit me. It stopped when she did it in front of my DF one day. He was a doting GF but was very, very stern with her. She cried briefly but never, ever but me again.

Lots of praise when he is using gentle hands, hugging and kindness etc…

Can you say to him, when he is regulated and happy, when you are starting to feel angry - name the emotion - and wanting to hit, go and jump on a cardboard box or do a star jump or 2 or move to another room etc - give him a couple of options and then give praise when he manages to release his anger in another way. There’s nothing wrong with anger, it’s just finding other ways to release it.

I literally have no words 🤦‍♀️ yes after he’s been told off as soon as he’s done it, let’s just keep bringing it back up.

I am sure as his vocabulary expands his behaviour will change. It's probably just frustration. Just keep reinforcing we don't hurt people etc. Really don't worry to much. Next month there will be something else. If he only hits out at you and your DD he might already realise it's nit OK to hit people. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Chill

Wow, some of you need to take a early childhood development course or two!

First of all..he's 3. At this age, they do not have impulse control, they also have a lot of emotions that are developing and being that he's ONLY 3..hitting, kicking, biting etc. Is a way to let those emotions. Is it appropriate? No. Does he fully understand that when he's feeling a lot of emotions? No. Thinking of when someone is so emotional or stressed and they have an outburst..then apologize later. Same concept.

Be consistent. Be patient. Keep telling him no. Maybe a quick 10 second time out will be enough to redirect his behavior, but once he's calm make sure to give him a hug and let him know it's okay to have these emotions, but hitting is not a great way to express it. Don't be angry, because anger can only lead to resentment, fear and confusion. Be patient. As he grows, it'll get better. Its just the age and the mental stage he is at.

Thank you.

I do agree regarding emotions. This morning he was upset and I asked him to see his happy face and he smiled through his tears and eventually felt better. He understand the difference between Happy Face, Sad Face, Angry Face etc so I will attempt to communicate better with him using those phrases and see where we get.

My husband behaviour around women is fine, he is a friendly person. Out of all his siblings he is closest to his only sister, he is very supportive. I would however say he is more stern than I am and has been with DS so perhaps DS is more 'scared' of him than he is of me but we also know that children are 'naughtier' around their mother vs father because of comfort levels...

Sounds like my boy, he’s 3 and just started this. I just re iterate no hitting. I wouldn’t stress itll pass I’m sure. My daughter was same and she stoped

I’d avoid asking for a happy face when he’s sad - it indirectly communicates that sadness is not acceptable and a false self could develop

@Zarah786 how are things going now? Did you find anything that helped? We're in a similar situation...