My temper stops me parenting well

[pinocchio]

New member alert! I've come here not knowing what else to do. Quick bio: am female partner of biological mother to two lovely boys - she's 'Mummy' and I'm 'Mum' - parent in every way but biological. Hope it's ok my being here. So, DS1 is 2+10 [3 in Feb] and DS2 is 6mths. Took me ages to bond with #1 as have never been 'maternal type' or much wanted kids - it was the wife's idea. Have always had quite a troubled relationship with him, all my fault I think. I'm very quick to lose my temper with him and find myself talking a lot in ultimatums. I know I don't have enough patience or sympathy to deal with his normal nearly-3yo behaviour - I know he's actually a very good boy, full of smiles and laughs, kind-hearted, affectionate, and lovely with his little bro. But, I also feel frustrated by his inability to do things immediately, and his capacity to mess about at tea-time and bed-time [the parts of the day I'm around for most - bed-time usually my job with him]. I feel he doesn't listen, so I shout and get cross, and that makes him push even more. I suspect I expect too much of him and know that disappointment is what causes anger, but I don't seem to be able to calm myself down when I see red. I've never smacked him, but I know I've been too rough with him in anger, and feel ashamed of this . I get very cross with myself for failing him, as I'm basically an intelligent person. I love both the boys very much and have bonded quickly with DS2 (another source of guilt). DS1 just gets crazy - typical 3yo - and I get tired (I have an exceptionally busy life - another story) and frustrated and just want him to do what I tell him when I tell him, and if he doesn't it makes me really (inappropriately) mad. Anyway, it's causing trouble with me and the wife. I don't want to have to move out, but I know she's got to consider the boys first. I just want to understand how she does so much better a job with them; how she stays calm; why DS1 respects her more and listens to her. I feel like I'm failing as a parent because I can't manage my own temper. I really hope you guys can give me some tips. Please.

Interesting Hatter on cancelling swimming lessons - have to admit that DS is always at his worst when we are trying to leave the house even if it soemthing he loves like swimming - which drives us mad. Also a reason not to live in a 3-storey house as he has too many places to go other than out the door! This week we have gone to the shops with him in a t-shirt several times which gets some strange looks (it's freezing out there!) but I figure he won't get frostbite.

Last night DD stayed asleep from 5pm to 8pm so I did the bedtime routine with DS - and he was a wee bit naughty but nothing like as bad when DD is screaming for attention on my lap, so some of it is definitely related to DD - will look for the junior article SQ, thanks.

hello pinocchio! I was in woolworth's today with my three year old who was screaming and making a hideous exhibition of himself and I quickly felt lame, persecuted and entirely under his thumb.
I think parenting is a massive process for some of us maybe, it's taken me a long time to accept that I can rarely read the paper or have much time to myself. Time is such a big sacrifice and maybe many of us are unprepared for how great a sacrifice it is, however much we love our children. I only thrive as a parent when I manage to do some of the following: surrender a bit, relax and put myself in his shoes, encourage, listen, laugh, distract, praise, praise, praise, be amazed by something etc. But on deadlines getting out of the house, sticker charts, bribes and threats of privilege withdrawal are often the only things that work for me. You sound like someone who cares enough to wonder if you're doing a good enough job, I'm usually wondering that myself too.
All the best.

OK this is a bit of a turn around but it is still on topic

In a nutshell neither me or Dh have slept properly for the last 3.75 years, our kids just don't sleep well and if the older one does he's up at 5. So things can get a little tense - not an excuse for bad parenting, I just want to illustrate that the problem is a known quantity and not something we need help with (just more than 4 hours sleep in a row every once in a while would be nice though).

Anyway this morning things snapped and me and Dh had a humdinger of a row whose chief display was dh roaring like an ogre and scaring the bejesus out of DS1. Not something we are proud of but it happened and it certainly won't be happening again.

My question is; have I damaged my child psychologicaly? Have I stuffed him up? Ruined him etc etc. There was resolution, he did see us all apologise and talk about it and tell him it wasn't his fault and he saw us kiss and make up. But he was so distraught and sobbing and shaking. He's 3.75. He seemed happy for the rest of the day and says he loves us both but that we must be friendly to each other.

I don't need any advcie on how to get the kids to sleep through at this stage, but does anyone know if we' ve scarred him now for life? Please tell me before I go on the internet and scar the bejesus out of myself.

sorry, not very cheery for xmas day.

Should clarify that dh didn't yell at ds1, but obviously ds1 heard and saw it. Bloody hell that is so bad, so unfair to my lovely little boy

Just saw this suzy - only posting today if essential!

NO - he won't be scarred for life. Don't worry. Your resolution of the row was v healthy - you kissed and made up and ds saw that. THAT's the important bit and also he's very clear that it wasn't his fault.

Everyone blows their stack occasionally - its how we adults resolve these rows in front of our children (enabling them not to carry any guilt about it) that's important. Enjoy the rest of Christmas. xxxx

Suzy - rows on Christmas day are not exactly a new phenomenon

I think DS will be fine as long as these are once in a while rare yelling matches. I think where it gets ugly is when there is conflict around all the time. In some ways it probably is important for him to see that you can fall out with someone but make up again later.

I think I would make a special effort to seem 'at one' with hubby over the next few days and be extra loving and attentive to DS. Why don't you both wait til the morning then have a 'grown up' chat with ds about what happened!

Hope you enjoy the rest of Christmas day - and making up properly later

Oh also - I would pull DH aside tomorrow in a calm way and tell him that yelling like an ogre in front of DS is not ideal

thanks so much for that. I hoped the resolution bit would be helpful, and we did talk about people getting cross sometimes but then saying sorry and feeling better. Also there was a huge thunderstorm that blew in from the ocean this afternoon and I personally believe weather conditions can greatly effect behaviour. So we blamed the storm a bit too.

me and dh have just had a deep and meaningful and talked out a new child management strategy in the face of sleep deprivation. He's going to sort out ds2's habit of getting up for a moan at 4 am every morning. DH and I can now communicate well, but it took us a long time to get there.

We are taking ds1 to see the Incredibles tomorrow morning so taht will be good.

It's bedtime for us now, although ds2 is already wailing with molar pain, thank the lord for bonjella. Hope you all enjoy the Queen's Speech and the rest of the Quality Street

Thanks again for the reassurance

i'm so glad i'm not the only one finding it hard to deal with even the best-behaved 3yo: tiredness turns into madness - for him and me, but in different ways - and i ended up yelling at him again last night at bedtime. i think my reactions are sometimes based on panic and fear of losing control of him, so i end up losing control of myself, which is far from ideal. to speak again to the lesbian non-bio mum issue - yes, i definitely found it hard initially to bond with him as i had previously had no leanings towards parenting, and my partner was very overwhelmed with intense bonding emotions. i think in a way that [and a whole load of other new-parent stuff] set me and DS1 up from the beginning. bonding with DS2 has come easier, i think because of having done it the first time, and i'm not so scared of him and his responses to the world. plus - and i know this sounds stupid - his birthday's only 4 days b4 mine, so i feel like we have something in common.

DS1 seems to respond quite well to ultimata, so although i don't feel good about using them, i find i use them quite often, and most of them are extremely mild and straightforward, not even really threats, but maybe this is self-justification.

and yes, the pressure to 'get it right' in a short amount of time is on, plus i invariably come in from work at crazy-time - dinner, tiredness, not wanting to go 2 bed etc.

but, on the +ve, i sem 2 have got thru most of xmas day without completely losing my marbles or temper - perhaps it's cos we're with relatives and there are 6 other adults around 2 help!!

wishing u all a very merry xmas with your respective sproglets.