Disturbing letter delivered to 5yr old dd - what should I do? URGENT advice needed!

[mollipops]

"Disturbing" is the best word I could think of to describe what I found in my letterbox this morning after dropping dd (5y 9m) at school. It was a sealed envelope, like children's stationery, with To you from C* on the front, in a child's writing. "C" is a boy who lives two doors down from us, and is in the same year as dd, although in a different class. They don't really play together, but do talk sometimes if they see each other outdoors, and he seems like a nice enough boy, maybe a little bit of a scallywag but nothing terrible. Like most boys and girls at this age they have a bit of a love-hate thing going on, but not much more than teasing on his part and showing off on both sides.

Anyway, I contemplated whether to open it or to leave it for dd when she got home from school, but something told me to open it myself. I was very glad I did. It was written in a child's handwriting, a small page of matching paper folded in half with "pleas open" on it. I unfolded it and was shocked to read this: "I love you so much I want to sex you and dack you" (which in slang means to pull down your underwear) "and suck your fany" with drawings underneath of an "anatomically correct" boy and girl and their names.

My first instinct was to storm down to his house and confront his mother with it (I don't really know her except on nodding terms IYKWIM), but I was too shocked and upset. Am I taking it too personally? It's not the first time we have had little notes of this nature put in our letterbox but in the past I have ignored them, plus there has been no name on them before.

I don't actually think that C, who is 5 and a half, wrote it himself, or at least not without some help. He has an older brother who is 8 or 9 at a guess. There are also other boys in the street around this age who hang around with C and his brother. It is probably some kind of sick joke, but I would like to put an end to it, before dd learns to read! Imagine if she had opened it herself and asked me to read it to her! What would she have made of my reaction? Plus of course it had the crude drawings on it.

I am so confused and upset about it - am I blowing it out of proportion? I know when dh sees it tonight he will be angry too. Should I just take the letter to the boys' parents and show them? Could that make it worse? I have no experience with older boys, so any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated.

FWIW, I would approach C's parents, expressing my concern for C as it sounds like he's been "framed". It probably was just innocent mischief by whoever wrote it but the author does need to know that it's innappropriate and very upsetting.

Aloha, you're right about the adverts ... sex seems to be used to sell absolutely everything. I try to avoid our local Debenhams as you have to enter through the cosmetics dept and some of the perfume ads are practically pornographic.

I agree with Carogee and XAusted - not written by a 5-yr-old and who knows who really did do it? Maybe his brother, maybe another, older, neighbourhood child.

Approaching the parents of C* in the most conciliatory, non-confrontational, "I know you will be as shocked as me" manner sounds like a good way to start. What happens after that rather depends on them, I think. Presumably they will ask their sons if they know anything about it - if their boys are entirely innocent they may still have an idea who might have sent it, and if they are involved at all they definitely will, though it may then be harder for their parents to get anything out of them - going in, guns blazing (you or their parents) will get nowhere, it needs to be "this was a bad thing to do but we are not mad at you".

Good luck, mollipops, awful for you, hope you can sort it out and remain on good terms. As others have said, you are definitely not over-reacting.

Good luck, Mollipops, I think that the advice that you have had is excellent.

Threeangels, I agree that these things can get out of hand. Once when I was in the park aged about 11 a boy came up and put his hand up my skirt and into my knickers, and then declared to his mates that I stank. It really affected me for some time although I'm not fussed about it now; I do wonder what this boy progressed onto. If there are older boys involved they may urge the younger ones on. I've always found the "rape" scene in "Cider with Rosie" slightly disturbing because the book is regarded as an idyllic "coming of age" story. There are lots of stories of boys committing rape, often they are too young to be charged, and I read somewhere that a large percentage of child abuse is carried out by siblings.

Aloha, I soooo agree about our society being so sexualised. I really worry about the hypocracy in society too - we have tabloid newspapers initiating witchunts against anyone who vaguely resembles a paedophile and then there are shops selling make-up and boob tubes for 5 year olds.

What ever happened to childhood? I think that perhaps this is the saddest part of Mollipop's story. The odds are that this is just a game, but there are some children who are already aware of sex in very minute detail when they should be interested in playing with teddy bears.

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Wow thank you so much for your overwhelming response and support - I knew this was the right place to come for help and advice! In fact, you guys were the first ones I thought to tell when I found the letter - yes even before dh - I waited to show him when he got home from work. He was as shocked and upset as I expected.

We agreed I should go to see C's parents, since I know the mum slightly more than dh does (which is not at all in his case!) and also we thought that showing up together might seem a bit more threatening and confrontational. So I went down after both kids were in bed and the father answered the door. I reminded him who I was and basically said, this is a bit awkward but we found this in our letterbox today and we thought you should see it. He invited me in and the mum was there in her PJ's! It was only quarter to 8, but I felt even more embarrassed and apologised for coming over late blah blah. By this time, the father had read the letter and passed it to his wife, who agreed it was horrible. I said that I didn't really believe C had written it as besides anything else I realised he probably couldn't write that well yet, but thought they had a right to see it since it had their son's name on. I pointed out that I was going to leave it for dd to open after school, but had decided to open it myself, luckily - and that even though she can't read yet, there are also the pictures. (Btw, Robinw, the pictures were only very crudely drawn full frontals of "boy" and "girl" with the bits drawn in between their legs, which I'm sure an 8 or 9 yr old boy could manage.)

They said it definitely wasn't written by C and showed me something on the fridge with his name on, and then said it wasn't their older son's writing either, and grabbed a workbook off the bench to show me his! (Can't blame them for feeling defensive I guess!) I asked if they recognised the stationery, which was Looney Tunes, but they said they didn't and the father took it in to the older sons room to ask if he recognised either the writing or the paper, but he said he didn't.

They said it looked as though it had been written by an 8 to 10 year old, judging by the handwriting and obviously someone who knew both my dd and their ds. I agreed and said it was probably someones idea of a funny joke or a way of teasing C somehow (ie "C's got a girlfriend" etc), but that it had happened before and this is the first time it had a name on it, so I thought it might help to track down who had really written it. The mum hinted she suspected their neighbour's boys, who are friends of C's older brother and about the same age - also real troublemakers with a bit of a bad reputation so they had already crossed my mind as suspects. She agreed to keep the letter and she would ask the boys' mum (who she knows well - they were friends before and moved here from the same area) if they had any Looney Tunes paper and then we would have our culprits! We parted on good terms (I think!) and they agreed to let me know what they found out - nothing yet! I will keep you posted.

No I don't think there are any overtones of intended abuse, but it really worries me that children of this age know about things like this in such explicit terms. It did occur to me of course that it could mean something more, but I really do think it is just a stupid prank made by immature boys full of false bravado. I don't think it would be appropriate to take it to children's services or the police at this level, but if it was to continue or worsen I might consider going to the school principal with my concerns (after talking to the other boys' parents of course). Hopefully it won't come to that, though.

Again thank you everyone for your suggestions - they really did help!

Mollipops, well done for staying so calm. I hope you find out who rreally sent the letter and manage to put a stop to it before a five year old actually opens and sees something so confusing and upsetting.

Sounds like you did a great job in making it non-confrontational. I'm sure that the other parents were just as shocked and upset as you! Hope you (all!) manage to get to the bottom of it.

Didn't get a chance to comment earlier, but well done, Mollipops, for dealing with this so calmly. As you say, it probably is 'just' a prank but whoever did it will hopefully know you're on their trail, realise it was a stupid thing to do and learn a lesson from it.

Glad it went OK mollipops. I think you were very wise in going to see the parents alone. As you say, dh didn't know the couple at all, while you did, even if not much. Well done for taking the initiative. Hope the author is unearthed soon.

Great Mollipops, well handled.

Yeah, nice one Mollipops. A very reasonable approach I thought in difficult circumstances. Your first instinct is always to protect and shield your child as much as possible, but at least you were calm and honest about it. It does sound like a silly childish joke by these 9yr olds, I just hope he is apprehended so he knows that his behaviour is unacceptable and wrong.

I do hope if I am ever confronted by a situation like this I handle it as well as you have mollipops

Blushes Thanx everyone!

Still no clue as to the culprits yet - and no more notes either. Maybe over the weekend while everyones's around I might catch up with them again. They have only lived in the street for about 6 months - at least I know their first names now! Thanx so much again to all who left messages, I really appreciate it!

P.S. in case you were confused earlier when I talked about school, it's not holidays here atm, but 3rd week of 3rd term! (And winter!)

You handled it so well Mollipops, all credit to you. No pun intended but I hope you get to the bottom of this soon

We have the culprit - it was one of the boys we had suspected initially. Spoke to C's dad today and he says I was supposed to be getting an apology - nothing yet! But he also told me that the back of his car had since been written on as well, in pencil and the same writing. Says he went a little ballistic! Don't blame him either! Hopefully that's an end to it.

Phew, what a relief you've solved it, Mollipops. Well done for tackling it so diplomatically. I hope the boy concerned is aware that you all know and soon gets fed up with playing stupid games. Or moves away.

Sounds like a right little b*er! Have you told his parents? They obviously need to know that he has been sending these kinds of letters to five year old girls, not to mention vandalising cars! I hope his parents are better!

Actually Rhubarb, I spoke to C's mum today and she said she went to see the mum of the boys concerned that same night I visited, and after confirming it was their stationery and handwriting, this boy's mum said "it's just kids". Meaning it's just something kids do, like it's normal behaviour! Clearly we have different views and expectations of our children's behaviour at age 8! I was horrified, as was C's mum (and his dad is still none too impressed about the vandalising of his car). C's mum said if her son had written something like that there would definitely have been repercussions, but it seems this boy wasn't even spoken to about it. I have seen the boy's dad (and the boy and his brother) and nothing was said by way of apology or even acknowledgement. I dread to think how these boys will end up, honestly, if this is how their minds work at this age, and worse that it is perceived as "normal" by their parents.

I once saw a neighbour's daughter, about 10 years old at the time, sexually abusing a toddler. She was making him say and do things that I didn't think were appropriate behaviour for a 10 year old and I can only imagine that she had seen or heard things at home which made her believe that this was acceptable. I was so upset by the situation that I did report it. A couple of years later her 6 year old brother was raped whilst playing out with friends, (it made the local news and some years later a conviction was made as a result of a further offence being committed) but the same night he was out roaming the streets at 9pm. What does this say about the family? I think our standards and family values all differ a great deal and it saddens me that some people do not seem to care what their children see or do.

In that case Mollipops it might be worth just having a word with your Health Visitor and showing her the letter, she can pass on your concerns to their HV who will keep an eye on them. Nothing need to be said directly to them and no action will be taken without your say so, but if this family refuse to accept that their son was in the wrong, indeed if they are viewing it as 'normal', then obviously the boy needs watching in case he gets into more trouble.

Keep the letter, you never know, something might happen to another child and your letter would be vital evidence. I'm not saying he is going to grow up an abuser or criminal, but as his parents don't seem to instill any kind of message of right and wrong to him, it would be prudent to be cautious.

Mollipops, I would report this too. Perhaps you could ring the N.S.P.C.C. or similar for advice. I would be horrified if a child of mine did this, it's seriously not normal.

PamT, my dad once saw his neighbour's daughters sexually abusing a dog. He was so shocked he couldn't even begin to work out what to do.

I have just read this, mollipops and couldn't believe it as something similar happened to my daughter recently. She's also 5. Firstly it was all things like xxxx says he's going to marry me, he's my boyfriend etc, then one day she came home and said that xxx is going to sex her at so and so's house. Like you was very shocked and I asked her what she thought to sex someone was, she said to touch someone 'down there'. Initially I didn't know what to do, but told her to tell him he was being rude and not to say those things to her. Some time later at parents evening I had the opportunity to talk to her teacher and she said 'she'd have a word with him'

I asked my daughter quite regularly whether anything was said to her, she said no, but the boy in question is always getting up to things at school like pulling his pants down and exposing himself!

This boy also has an older brother, whether it's his influence, the t.v or what I don't know, but I find it sad as he seems to be growing up with the wrong attitude towards women as I found out recently he's 'got' loads of girlfriends according to his mum.

I think the way you handled it was brilliantly, I never actually spoke to his mother, and I don't think the teacher did either, I not sure that's right though?