What the hell am i doing wrong......My kids treat me like dirt

[nutcracker]

I know i have posted about probs with my kids behaviour before, so please feel free to read and run off, but i just feel like i am about to go under.

For anyone who doesn't know, i have Dd1 (6), Dd2 (4) and Ds (20mths).
I'm not even sure where to start really, but basically they treat me like s**t.
Dd1 and 2 think they can do what they like, and if i tell them off or ask them not to do something then they scream at me. Dd1 isn't so bad, usually only acts up when she can see Dd2 getting all the attention.
Dd2 will scream and scream at me until she is exhausted.
Ds is copying Dd2's behaviour and has been since he was about 10mths old. He obviously has seen me losing control of the situation and now thinks he can do the same.
The main prob with him though is that I can't seem to get him to understand the most basic instructions.

I don't feel like i'm making much sense and feel like a right moaning old cow, but I really can't see how to change things.

I haven't given them an easy ride, and they do know that they will get punished if they misbehave but they don't seem bothered.

I need Super nanny

Mine are not far away from your ages nutcracker, ds almost 6, dd 4 and ds2 2.5. Ds 1 is awful. I lie awake worrying about him. He makes me see red. He is an angel at school, but he protests at everything, but everything he is asked to do at home. And freaks out if things don't go his way. Someone else turns the telly off when he wanted to do it. Homework needs to be done now rather than later. And everything is my fault. I made ds2 hit him. And on and on and on. And I usually end up shouting. i know it's counter productive and I don't want to do it, but it's partly because he doesn'thear me otherwise and partly because i think I'm going mad.

I find when I am out and about i hear a lot of mothers negotaiting endlessly with thier kids or asking them if they'd like to do things that arent really optional.

like " woudl you like to go to bed?" Just tell t hem!
I havent the time or patience to involve myself in a power struggle with a three year old and so dont.
Mind you I do think ( smug alert) that my teaching experience has made me ( according to my friends) a very effective disciplinarian.
One example is that i dont let mine say "no" to me
its "not thanks" or someother homily. this does mean that sometimes ds2 shouts" NOFANXX" at me but its better than nothing.

I am very interested itn he book IM, I am half heartedly reding " how to talk" ad find its good for tantruns.

Nutcracker you dont need super nanny, you are doing a wonderful job i am sure.
We all feel that we are not getting anywhere with our familys.
I am the only one in my home who can fold a newspaper change a loo roll pick up dirty washing and of corse its the housework fairy who provides endless clean clothes meals and everything everyone needs on a daily basis.
I have ds1 age 8 ds2 age 4 and dh age 37 and more messy then the two kids.
At the moment my dear sons only have to be within touching distence of each other to "start"
the little one is most often the starter of any conflict.
I sometimes think i am the only one who can hear my voice and i am sick of having to say things like put your shoes on 18 times.
How ever we have ways to keep the worst of it under control, ds1 now has things to do to earn pocket money and ds2 has a star chart to earn his .
They know that if i say they are being put to bed for the way they have behaved then bed it is, we also have time outs in differant rooms and no playstation or videos.
I will let them "win " the battles sometimes when it is not that important so that they think that they have little victorys.
I am sure it is just a faze and that will pass.
You could try sitting down with them and explane that it makes you very sad when they yell and scream at you and that you love them all the same but sometimes you will need to give more time to one of them then the others.
Next time the screaming starts walk away or as long as it is safe to do so put them in the garden, its amazin how quickly it stops when no one is watching of taking notice of a tantrum.
Can i ask what dose dh/dp think / do?
Please dont be hard on yourself we all have days where we go under.

Nutcracker; I realised something the other day when I told DD that she would be spending the rest of the evening in her bedroom if she didn't behave herself (she's 9) and she very smugly told me 'yeah, you said that yesterday and I didn't'! It sank in there and then that me not carrying out my threats gave the kids a very bad message; that they could get away with murder and I wouldn't punish them. So now what I say goes, and it's hit her like a sledgehammer. Sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out with her. Christ knows what it'll be like when she hits the teenage years

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I try to walk away from tantrums, and before now i've 'put myself to bed' to get away from a yelling ds. I got him quite confused, he quientened down and came to find me. When I said I was too tired to deal with his naughtyness any more, he apologised, and said he'd go to bed now as well. And he did! Don't think it'd work more than very ocasionally tho'.

Still get problems with the getting dressed/undressed situation. It is our flashpoint, especially with school mornings now, so the 8:50 deadline looms every day. Ds has a thing about not wearing his coat in the car. took it off this morning after I'd asked him not to. I just sat there, wouldn't start the engine, until he put his coat back on. He said 'We'll be late for school' I said 'then you'll have to explain to miss X that you are late because you wouldn't do as you were asked Again!'
He put his coat on.

dh is away tonight. I'm determined not to put up with any nonsense (ds been a bit of a s*d all week actually). But sometimes it does seem like incredibly hard work.