Obnoxious 3 year old. Advice needed

[Cadbury]

I'm at the end of my tether with dd. All traditional positive parenting strategies have flown out of window. Dd is defiant in everything asked of her. I'm afraid I won't cope when dh leaves for business abroad for a week tomorrow. Anyone got any ideas for a depressed mum in need of some strength and control?

sorry to hear about your upset on friday earlybird. we take out our feelings on those we feel closest to, so try and take it as a compliment. heres hoping for more saturdays and sundays! we moved at the beginning of april and my ds1 found that really hard plus he was ill. i'm also finding the more i anticipate what his reactions may be to something or somewhere, the more i can prepare a stratagy for helping him through it. i sort of imagine what the worst case scenrio may be and take it from there! again this isn't my idea but the wisdom of my ds1's teacher. i wish i had found her sooner.

EB, they sooooo know they can push your emotional buttons too. I've ended up in tears/on MN numerous times when DD1 protests she doesn't want me, she wants her dad.

DS never eats anything at all at parties, nor will he sit at the table, even to eat cake.

We had a really difficult day on Friday, refusing to stand up (that irritating 'going floppy' thing), and then throwing a huge to-do on leaving the playground - even though he was just whining around and not really playing on anything. I did the whole tv supernanny thing, got down to his level, explained (in a deep voice)that we were going to walk along the pavement to the car, I would not carry him, and that if he did not walk alongside me holding my hand, he would NOT have a mini-milk. He took all this in, held my hand, walked as close to snails pace as he could manage - and then I noticed that he was deliberately generating gallons of spit and letting it drool all down the front of his T shirt, all with a 'now see what you've got' look on his face.
I ignored it.
Don't know whether I should have, but after a w/e of general boundary-testing - whacking the heads of the plants I was planting and getting sent indoors, he is back to being sweet again...touch wood.

Dd is now 4 and you'll be glad to hear that the real tantrums she would throw at 3 are past but she's still pretty stubborn and will throw a strop with very little provocation.
Setting rules and sticking to them is crucial - so if you've said no ice cream unless you eat your sausage then you must follow through.
With things she doesn't want to do I find presenting her with alternatives that make it seem as if she's chosen can help - so if she doesn't want a bath I'll say "for you bath, would you rather have it on your own or shall I get in?" Turning bedtime into "which story would you like" is also quite effective for us.
She often tells me I'm not her friend but then she often tells me I'm her best friend and she loves me too so there is balance. I do let her know that I'm upset when she's mean to me. And if she throws a strop at home or someone else's house I just leave her alone - it doesn't generally take long before she'll come and find me and say sorry.

Earlybird I'm sure the upheaval in your dds life must be having an impact. They often seem to be coping well and then something that happened ages ago will surface and you realise they've been quietly worrying about it for ages.
One of dds best friends lives with her mother, dad having walked out very early on. Last night dd asked me why C and A didn't live together with her friend. I explained that sometimes grown ups stopped loving each other but that they both still loved her friend. She then said that meant that maybe daddy and I would stop loving each other and one of us would move away. Poor little mite has obviously been worrying for ages that we were going to split up.

shrub and mother inferior - thanks for your kind and reassuring words. As a single parent, the support you (and others) give here on mumsnet, is a real lifeline. It helps immeasurably to be offered a bit of perspective and empathy so I can feel calm again...and know that others have been through it too, and that everything WILL be alright!

Thanks to you too sponge. Yes, isn't it funny what they take in, what they retain, how it gets processed, and how it sometimes comes out at the oddest times in the strangest ways! I need to keep telling myself that she's only 3 and a bit and that her coping mechanisms and ways of expressing herself are still immature. But sometimes she seems so much older. Don't they have amazing power to run us ragged physically and emotionally!!

I think three is SUCH a difficult age. In some ways they are so very articulate and capable. And then in others - and you only really see this when they're with kids quite a bit older - they're still babies. Their emotions and their ability to deal with their emotions are all over the shop. And the little b*ggers can talk to each other, too, and pool experiences.

motherinferior - you are so right! As I said earlier, I give her far too much credit for maturity, until we are in a situation where it becomes clear just how much a baby she still is.

I have to say that I dreaded the prospect of the infamous "terrible twos" which turned out not to be terrible at all in our house. I smugly thought I'd gotten off lightly due to a lovely child and good parenting skills. . Never in a million years did I anticipate the tough time I'd have with my challenging little "threenager"!!

Oh thank-heavens for this thread...
Had a horrible experience with DD2 and tantrums over the last few weeks - never experienced before with DD1 - I have been through "is it something she is eating", "something shae has expreienced", "overtiredness", "a result of being good all day she is blowing a fuse - if at nursery school or like yesterday my parents had looked after her - I have now decided that it is what you are all going through - SHE IS THREE!!
phew...
Your list is excellent Shrub - thanks