4 year old (too?) confident

PeppaAteMySoul · 2017-05-01T13:22:44+00:00

My soon to be 4 year old DS is a very sociable/ confident little boy. Everyone we meet he wants to talk to and every child we meet out and about he wants to play with. Understandably not every child/ adult wants to interact with him and he struggles to understand that which can lead to him being upset if they don't. How do I teach when to approach people and when to not? I struggle with his extroverted personality generally as I am the complete opposite and I don't want to end up stamping my own shyness on him.

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user1491572121 · 01/05/2017 23:28

My youngest DD used to make me very uncomfortable as she'd "perform" in crowded areas or she'd strike up conversations with people at bus stops who I'd usually avoid...once, she engaged an obviously drunk man who was really dirty, in a good chat about flowers.

I stood there awkwardly smiling and inside I was cringing!

I had to get over myself and let her chat as the man was doing his best to answer her in a decent way....and he was laughing and obviously quite enjoying the chat...he wasn't annoyed or anything.

Other times, I've just kept saying things like "Maybe this little girl would like to be on her own now?" and forcibly dragged her away bless her.

Now she's 9 and very popular and sociable. it astounds me as I am like you OP.

Just take each encounter as it comes, if he gets upset that's all part of his learning curve. He will get there evntually and learn to read the cues.

Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 02/05/2017 06:18

Thanks, so for now it's ok to let him go up to people? He is always asking people their name, ages and favourite colours. I stand there and cringe because to me it feels rude.

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twobarnsmammisonthebus · 02/05/2017 06:32

I have a 3.5 year old like this. Bless them! It's hard because on the one hand it is wonderful to see them being so sociable, but your heart breaks a bit when they get rebuffed, and of course they need to gently and eventually learn that they can't always chat to all and sundry whenever wherever. However whilst they're still this young age I think it's fine, and if she does get a 'knock-back' for want of a better word, I just tell her afterwards that maybe the person needed some quiet time or was tired, just like she sometimes is. She tends to get that. I swear I'll see her on the stage one day

Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 02/05/2017 07:54

I guess I'm concerned that now he is going to be 4 we are at the stage where he is too old to not know you can't go up to everyone for a chat.

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FinallyHere · 02/05/2017 08:15

I'm not sure why you 'can't go up to everyone' for a chat,. I do ( if im not actually doing anything else).

My mother is less mobile now, so i often drop her off somewhere and go to park the car. When i get back a few minutes later she is invariably chatting to someone. Even in, say, a deserted foyer which has no sign of habitation. The rest of our extended family would die rather than start a conversation. I think of it as a gift.

Your child sounds lovely. Agree with others that he will learn by doing who appreciates a chat. Others will naturally hurry away. [smiley face]

Isadora2007 · 02/05/2017 08:30

I think it is a bit rude too- well, maybe rude is too strong but it's certainly not what I would encourage in a four year old. I understand you don't encourage it, but I think you perhaps need to be a bit more clear about friends, family and people we don't know.
So you can start conversations with F and F but not really peoplenyou don't know. Unless they speak first and then you can answer and be polite?
I guess it is really hard to learn a social skill as it does depend on the person. One old dear might love having a wee one chat to her but another may find it rude... it's about reading the person- looking for eye contact etc which I'm guessing your son isn't doing.
So I think I would be telling him we generally don't talk to people we don't know.

Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 02/05/2017 08:38

Isadora I have tried having that conversation with him. He just doesn't listen but runs up to people in the park/ soft play etc where I can't immediately stop him. He just doesn't get that not everyone wants to be his friend.

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1golfterrace · 02/05/2017 14:41

Sounds like my dog! Thinks everyone wants to be his best friend- luckily as he gets older he's reading the cues better as to who wants to play and who doesn't.

Seriously though, I wouldn't worry too much. Dd1 is in reception and there seem to be lots of children who chat to everyone and happily speak out. I'm not like that and dd is a fairly quiet one too so I find it a bit unusual, but secretly I'm in awe of their confidence.

Isadora2007 · 02/05/2017 15:01

I wouldn't be far enough in the park from my 4 year old that they could strike up a conversation with adults alone. Children- fair enough- but adults, no. And if he did after I had asked him not to we would be going home.
Soft play if he was going up to random adults I would go over and apologise and take him to sit down for a few minutes and if he continued I would be going home. You say confidence I say precociousness.

Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 02/05/2017 17:58

Isadora I get what you are saying and worry others will see it that way too. But I don't want to punish him for talking to others- seems a recipe for making him self conscious which I don't want either. And of cause he talks to other adults who are also with their children in the park. It's not as if he's straying far from me just that if I'm dealing with DC2 for a moment, he can be talking to someone before I've managed to distract him.
I think maybes another gentle chat about other people being busy etc may be the way to go!

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Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 02/05/2017 18:27

Ha golf funny you should say that he reminds me of my pet Labrador I had years ago. Hopefully as he learns social cues he will calm down a bit

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MrsWhirly · 06/05/2017 18:26

Both my kids were like this, I know how you feel but I think you have to let it go. As he gets older he will understand (with your encouragement) not everyone wants to talk and when to leave it, not to mention stranger danger. Confidence is a gift and I don't feel we should teach small children to suppress it. The world is full of wall flowers. X

drinkingtea · 06/05/2017 18:31

Does he head for adults or children naturally? Is it older children he seeks out and expects to play with, or similar aged peers?

Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 09/05/2017 08:07

drinkingtea it doesn't seem to matter to him if it's an adult or child. He's just as chatty with either, though he will ask similar aged children if they want to play.
This week I've finally got through to him that asking grownups how old they are is rude. So some success.

I am worried about stranger danger.

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drinkingtea · 09/05/2017 14:45

There's not necessarily anything wrong with being chatty, but it sounds as though he'll need overtly teaching social boundaries rather than instinctively picking them up.

Children who ignore their peers and make a beeline for adults and expect to play with older children they don't know tend to have quite significant problems with their social skills. Parents often mistake seeking out older children and adults for precocious maturity and intelligence, when it's actually a lack of social instinct. They can't understand the social "rules" small children instinctively have among themselves and adults and older children make allowances for that where peers don't.

As your son wants to play with same age peers it's less of a developmental worry; you'll need to work a bit harder with him at spelling out social skills/ expectations/ boundaries though. Chat about it after interactions and do some role play with Playmobil maybe.

Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 09/05/2017 14:50

Thank you drinking tea this is a really helpful post. How would I teach him social boundaries? I'm not even sure I know what they are. (I suffer with social anxiety)

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Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 09/05/2017 14:55

Can I ask what you mean by developmental worry? I know it's not understanding social boundaries but can it be anything more than that?

He talks to everyone equally- children older/ younger than him and adults of all ages. He plays with other children. For example yesterday at the park him and a group of children his age were sat under the slide sharing crisps and saying they were in a club. They then all played a running game together. He seems well liked by his peers and has plenty of friends.

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drinkingtea · 09/05/2017 15:41

I think you're fine if he understands how to play with peers like that and doesn't try to cope with the unpredictability of playing with other children his age by making himself the boss and insisting they follow his rules.

Some children who seek adult interaction inappropriately do have problems with their social skills. Children with ASD can find peers hard to understand and feel more comfortable with adults and older children who try to make allowances for them. Not only children with ASD though, plenty of people need help with social skills without having ASD. A lack of age appropriate boundaries can be a feature of lots of developmental problems (many of which can coexist with a good vocabulary) but plenty of children have no actual problem but their development is just uneven, so that language development surges ahead of social and emotional maturity for about but it all evens out in the end.

By teaching I mean both chatting after things happen ("how do you think the lady felt when you talked to her?" "You are right she did seem grumpy, why do you think that was? Yes, she was already taking to another grown up/ she was reading her book, she might have been tired") as well as simply instructing "Freddie, don't interrupt when people are talking/ reading/ busy". Also role play - you can teach him about body language and facial expressions by acting things out as a funny game and making him guess how you feel, to help him notice when people are giving off non verbal "leave me alone" signals. Get him to do the same for you to guess. You can do actual role play where you and he have pretend interactions pretending not to know one another, but small world role play (i.e. with toys) is easier as an adult for actually playing through scenarios. Set up scenes such as a playground or bus stop scene with Lego or Playmobil or other toys, and act them out, with him operating a Playmobil Boy child figure and you making other Playmobil adults and children react to him in different ways, talking about it afterwards.

Ktown · 09/05/2017 15:47

mine used to engage the drug dealers hanging around our local park.
I think it is a good thing and wish I had the same friendly outgoing disposition.
don't completely extinguish this personality trait. it is a lovely thing.
perhaps move up North where people are friendlier?

ScarlettFreestone · 09/05/2017 15:48

It's fine to talk to children but you don't talk to an adult unless:

You have been introduced to them

Or

Mummy/Daddy is smiling at them.

It's really not great that he's running up to talk to strangers.

A) there's safety concerns

B) he may be interrupting them/annoying them.

drinkingtea · 09/05/2017 15:53

Ktown being confident and chatty is lovely if you correctly read people's non verbal signals and only approach people who open to chatting and not either otherwise occupied or giving off all the subtle "leave me alone" body language signals, and know what topics are appropriate (not asking how old adults are, why they look grumpy/are so fat/ have that red mark on their face/ smell funny etc) it's actually quite a skillset to be an open,chatty person without being irritating and intrusive or getting into bother.

Original poster

PeppaAteMySoul · 09/05/2017 16:57

No he's more of a follower with other children than a leader if that makes sense.
After trying to speak to a lady who was busy packing shopping in the supermarket I had a chat with him on our walk home. I explained that i ushered him away because the lady was very busy and when you are busy you don't necessarily have the time to talk. He just said "But I like talking" in that whiny way children have. So I said that was ok and he could talk to lots of people but there are times to talk and times to be quiet. His reply was "I'm no good at quiet" and looked sad.

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drinkingtea · 09/05/2017 17:24

Peppa That's when you hug him and tell him that nobody is good at everything, but everyone can get better at things by practicing

Witchend · 09/05/2017 19:25

Children who ignore their peers and make a beeline for adults and expect to play with older children they don't know tend to have quite significant problems with their social skills. Parents often mistake seeking out older children and adults for precocious maturity and intelligence, when it's actually a lack of social instinct. They can't understand the social "rules" small children instinctively have among themselves and adults and older children make allowances for that where peers don't.

That is so true. I found with one of mine people would say that she was so sociable and confident and I knew she wasn't. Exactly what drinkingtea wrote.

CleverGoose · 21/10/2024 11:45

Hi there @PeppaAteMySoul
realise this thread is from a long time ago but what happened with your son as he got older ?
my daughter - 4 - is the exact same and not sure if normal or not