3 yr old ds chucked out of nursery?

[sauce]

Ds' behavior is so appalling at school (& at home) that I think he's close to being "asked to leave". I've hesitated to write on MN about it, thinking it would resolve itself but things are getting serious. Yesterday he kicked one of his classmates & threw a tantrum. He was sent to the headmistress (why he was sent to her I don't know - because he was disrupting the class?)for a ticking off. Today he pooed his pants, threw a massive tantrum & screamed abuse at his teacher. What should I do? He's only 3.5, fgs!

HEY - kids go through much much worse horrors and still come out successful adults. Think of all the 'wrong' decisions our parents made/did, we are still ok generally!!

You are giving him lots of love, attention and cuddles - this is the ABSOLUTE MOST important as far as I am concerned. Anything else is by the by... [hug icon]

Ok. So, not only have I been to private school but I have worked as a support assistant in a private primary school to a 5yr old who was in fact excluded (turned out he had aspergers although I'm not implying in any way your son has)
Firstly, the school will be under pressure from other 'fee paying' (and I'm not saying any of this is right or I approve but just this is how it is) parents to remove what they see as a disruptive child who is 'hurting' their children. Unfortunately as you are obviously aware, private schools can exclude at their own choice and will do so.
It sounds to me as if you feel whoever has assessed your son has possibly not done a thorough job. This is what I would do. I would ask around and find out if the SENCO (special educational needs co-ordinator) at your local school is any good. If they are I would go and see her/him as a 'potential' parent. Explain that you are concerned about your son's behaviour and would like some advice. If you appeal to their better nature even if they are not able to help in an 'official' capacity they may be able to point you to someone who can.
I do not want to worry you by insinuating that your son is SEN but the school he is at is clearly unable to cope or help and you need to find someone who can.
I am appalled by the notion of a book round the neck...how humiliating. The home-school behaviour book link should be a positive thing and as someone else mentioned can be really helpful and productive.
Ok, I've waffled enough. Hope some of it helped.

Oh and of course none of us perfect mothers has ever given our children they won't eat....

(ds last week when presented with chicken in a sauce with veg and rice....'NO' pushed back chair from table and wouldn't eat so much as a mouthful!)

Just found out you are not in UK but am sure there are similar processes for SEN etc in Switzerland...

OOOOh, I've just re-read my first sentence of the waffle - I didn't mean to imply he should have been excluded because he had aspergers just that the school excluded him because he was "naughty/unmanageable" without finding out what the underlying problem was

oh, switzerland! Well I've probably been no help whatsoever

i know that feeling... but you know mostly they are their own selves.... not blank canvases on which we imprint the good and the bad..... i remind myself that the aim is "good enough" parenting, not perfection. being aware of and insightful about your only human shortcomings is half the battle imo.
why is ds at french school? are you french? is he bilingual? is this causing him stress / difficulty? is it difficult for him to express himself as he wants in different settings? just a thought

wise words, dave

ta mate

You say he has no behavioural difficulties...has he been assesed by any proffessionals in orde to reah that conclusion?

Has teh school not asked to speak to you about the problems they are having and to try and sort strategies in dealoign with his behaviour in a joint approach?

DS is SN but he went to a private pre school from age 2 and he was much like your ds sounds now. thankfully they were fantastic and helped us on our way to getting him a statement before he was even old enough to start school.

behavioural problems, even unexplained ones...are a form of SN as it means he requires extra attention in order to remain in school. the school shpuld be doing more to A) keep you in the loop of whats happening and B) allowing your son to have an enjoyable daily school life.

the home/school book is quite common but to place it around his kneck is WORNG WROMNG WRONG and there is absolutly no way i would be allowing that. its no better than standing him in a corner with a dunce cap on.

I am so for your DS about that.
You need to have a meeting, and discuss teh school feelings and ask them to call in an Ed psych or SEn adviser.
It may also help to speak to your GP about getting a refferal to CAMHS

Good morning! All of your advice was very welcome, supportive, helpful & much appreciated - thanks! The fact that we live in CH doesn't mean that there aren't similar SN facilities; I hadn't even thought that far yet. His "difficult" behavior atm has only gone on for about 2 weeks. It may be due to his getting ill, being ill and then being completely exhausted after his illness. I have never seen anyone, adult or child, as sick with a cold as ds was. I had him to paed twice as his fever was 39°c for about 5 days. He vomited, sneezed, coughed & his nose ran - everything. He was a mess.

I've been giving him so much extra attention that dd says that I love him better but she knows that's nonsense. She is also worried about her little brother so I've suggested to her to try to not wind him up so much, ie fighting over toys, arguing over whether my top is pink or purple, arguing over Dora vs Lazy Town, etc.

I promised him a pistachio ice-cream after school if he's a good boy today. Bribery is awful but it can be quite effective when you're desperate. He just needs to get through this last day before the holidays...

Sorry to waffle on but it is so therapeutic to pour my fears out! Thanks for reading.

sorry. i misunderstood your post as meaing these difficulties had been prolonged.

If its just a two week period then no doubt it's just a phase and he will retrun to your lovely well mannered little chap soon enough

ha-ha! he's never been "a lovely well mannered little chap". LOL. A complete strop since he was born & now, suddenly, he's doing the tantrums for someone else which is totally unacceptable. At least I know how to handle these tantrums when I'm with him, even though I'm worn out & fed up. but I can't ask the school to put up with them. So they've got to stop. But how?

how do you deal with them?

He's just too young to be in a class of 17 with one teacher! He's just not coping, and why should he! He can't be getting an awful lot out of it really.

You said this was a private school? Maybe, given his strong will, he WOULD do better if you registered him with the local state school! I say this as we had our ds in a private nursery but did find that their prevailing attitude was to squash any individuality, and their way of thinking just seemed old fashioned, much like this awful, humiliating idea of having a behaviour book round his neck - your poor ds will know what that is, he's 3, not stupid! They should stop that NOW.

At ds' state primary the teachers are very very up to date with current approaches, views, etc and they have to involve parents as much as they can. There is less emphasis on buttoned-down-private-school-behaviour and more on celebrating and valuing the child's work, and ds has just blossomed. Maybe it could be a thought for your ds - just because it suits your dd, it may not suit your ds!

Some good news. Dd carried ds' book for him in her hands (NOT around her neck!), beaming. He got an excellent report for yesterday (whew!) which meant pistachio ice-creams all round & lots of hugs, kisses & you're such a good boy, mummy's so proud of you thrown in as well. Teacher has asked for mtg after hols, which I'm more than happy to arrange (about time!).

How do i deal with tantrums at home or elsewhere? Well, at home I give him a warning & if he continues, he goes to his room for 10 minutes (have an egg-timer in his room for this). If he continues to scream, I close the door, which he hates & usually shuts up immediately. In public, I warn him & then usually grab him firmly by the arm & hiss "be quiet NOW or else" or, if I can stand it, I ignore him completely or just put him in the supermarket trolley. I'm past caring if people stare. Let them! And if they dare complain, I say "We were all children & all children have tantrums. Deal with it."

Thanks cat. Yes, we've just got through the 1st day of hols. Poured with rain, kids fought like cat & dog all day. Absolutely finsihed - am off to bed to rest for round 2 tomorrow.