4 year old turning into Kevin the teenager, how should I react?

[WideWebWitch]

I'm hoping everyone will tell me it's a phase and he'll grow out of it, but wondered if anyone could help. My ds is 4 years 8 months and has suddenly turned from sweet loving cheerful boy to stroppy uncooperative boy almost overnight.
Examples: kissing and cuddles are yuk, I hate you and don't want you to be my mummy, I don't like you, Shut Up, Go Away, I want to be dead etc etc.

Now I'm sure this is a phase and quite usual but I still find it hard. One for the loss of my little sweetie (I know it has to happen, but...) and two because I'm not sure how best to handle it. So far I've used my usual tactic of ignoring bad behaviour and praising good, but I find "Shut Up" and "I hate you" hard to deal with, ditto really bad manners. Is it testosterone this early? Surely not? How long will this last? Any other ideas? Should I ignore or tell him off when it's very bad and rude? Have been calm so far but any tactics for dealing with this would be appreciated. BTW he starts school in Sept so may be worrying about it slightly but other than that there have bee no changes in his life that I can see. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help.

www - just a thought, but rather than a bad behaviour book and a star chart, why not try to combine the 2. We have a chart on the fridge, big,bold and visible; good and bad behaviour get different colour stickers. Each night before bed time I sit with ds and we go through the chart, crossing through a good sticker for every bad. He receives rewards at the end of the week (it started off daily) if he has an excess of good stickers. Ds can compare the results of good and bad himself on the chart. Seems to have worked wonders for him. In fact we pretty much stopped using it after about 3 months - although it does make a reappearance if his behaviour starts to slip again.

Commiserations WWW. I do think school can have a negative effect. I know ds is trying really hard at school - though has had some problems there too - and I think there is a need to let go at home. Having said that, it's still unacceptable, and we try to tackle it.

Not sure of any suggestions. Just comment that for my ds punishments, threats, or negative charts just don't work. He either loses control and is naughty anyway, or weighs up the threat of the punishment, and does it anyway! Rewards and praising good behaviour do work, though. I don't know why this is - he's very bright, so there's no reason why he shouldn't understand. His teacher too commented, that he just doesn't seem to recognise the consequences of bad behaviour.

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WWW, I know that feeling well - angelic child visitors, demon child host. My ds at 5 was prone to bouts of extreme showing off/overexcitment when he was on home ground with guests - and this behaviour still rears its ugly head sometimes.

I think it boiled down to the fact that home ground meant all was familiar to him. For the guests all was a novelty. They had more to occupy themselves with, plus they were more scared of being told off by me, a strange adult.

As for the general bolshie attitude - good luck with the star charts. I've had partial success with them, but found it doesn't effect a transformation.

Also, if you think a particular group of friends or particular situations make him worse, try to avoid these AND put him in the situations with people (children or adult) where he behaves better. However bizarre the choice seems. I have a gut feeling with my son, that the more times he is good the easier it is for him to be good. The behaviour (I hope) gradually becomes imprinted and habitual. I think this is working, and had I latched onto this, would have done it earlier.

Best news I can give you is that honestly my son's behaviour at home really got better as he grew up and calmed down. The change from 3 to 5 was great but so was the change from 5 to 7.

My daughter is nearly 4 and refuses to kiss me goodnight(I know it sounds trivial ) but it has been gioing on for about 10 days now . At first I tried ignoring it but that is proving more difficult as time goes on .
Also she talks constantly (I know this is normal ) but she doesn't listen . I wasn't worried about this but her nursery school teacher took me aside to complain about her behaviour - pulling faces at her instead of listening,"annoying" the other children and not doing what she was told. I was suprised as I thought she was really settled and enjoyed it. Any advice??