Am I being too harsh on dd? she is only 4...

[beinganevilstepmomsucks]

aaaaggggghhhhhh!i am an evil, horrible mummy.
dd will not do as she is told!! she will either deliberately ignore me or do the opposite.
at bedtime at the minute, she is getting out of bed and playing loudly with her toys after lights out "sleeptime." our response to this, if we hear her playing, is to go into her room, not speak to her or tell her off, but just remove whatever she is playing with and go away again. in the morning she is told why x toy has been taken away and explained to that she can have it back when she can go to bed like a good girl. she messes around like this about every 6 weeks or so, so she knows the drill so to speak, and we find it usually works really well.
god this is getting long, sorry.
dd is currently in her room crying her eyes out because...
last night was the second night in a row she had toys taken away. this morning i went into her room to help her get ready and found that she had nicked back some of the toys i had taken and tried to hide them. she was also embarking on a mass art project with paper everywhere which she knows she is not allowed to do in her bedroom.
i kept calm and just said "dd, you are being very naughty and making me very sad and cross. can you tell me what it is that is making me sad and cross?"
sure enough, she told me straight away exactly what she was doing to make me sad and cross! which has just made me crosser, the fact that she knows she is being naughty!!
again, evil mummy has removed toys.
and there's more...
i then said "dd your clothes are on your chair, please get dressed like a good girl."
dd has just come out of her room having put on completely different clothes and tried to hide the ones that were out.
me "dd have you done as you were told and got dressed like a good girl?"
dd shakes head.
me (said in firm and disappointed tone)"dd please go back into your bedroom as mummy is very cross with you and doesn't want to see you for a while. I am getting very tired of you not doing as you are told."
i have kept my calm god help me though inside i am raging. it all sound so petty written down, especially the last bit. i am just sick to the back teeth of her deliberate misbehaviour. she doesn't get attention for it (which just seems to make her worse) and playing up instances when she is good/giving her attention seems to make no difference at all. not even sure if i'm going to post this now as it seems so petty...she is the child, i am the grown up....
oh sod it

Are you totally happy with looking after the step DCs? Do you love them? Are you mad at her for reasons other than her behaviour?

If I'm being honest what struck me about your OP was the 'coldness' of it. If my DC had been upset as a 4yo, in tears in his room after a 'fair' punishment had been imposed, then I wouldn't have had the heart to start layering other issues on top of it. I'd have been actively seeking ways to boulster them up, without in any way going back on the original punishment.

I've never been able to do the 'Mummy is very cross' thing though - I've just never though it worth getting into. I suppose because I think I am trying to get them to work on their behaviour - what they can control, not my behaviour and feelings, which to the most extent they cannot

I'm sorry if this has made you feel worse, but I just wonder whether there are underlying reasons why you were worried about the way you behave with her. It sounds to me like there is some misplaced anger around - but only you can say if that is the case.

Good luck

i think you are very patient. my dd often drives me up the wall, but i've learned to realise that she has a strong character and is very independent. she's not really into pleasing people. however, i keep reminding myself that she's little more than a baby,(she's 3) so have to be very patient and loving and only discipline over the really important things. and she is very funny and resourceful. i think if your dsd is like this you may find it easier to let her take the lead over the decision making in her life when you can. hope this makes sense.

soapbox - if i'm honest it was your comments that upset me the most initially. i constantly feel as if im being judged (school,other parents, MIL etc) as they are "not my children." i love my stepchildren very much and it rips me into little pieces when they see their natural mother. to say i loved them as if they were my own children wouldn't be true, as the way i love dd is different to the way i feel about the other two, but i care for them very very deeply and try my utmost at all times to treat them as if they were my own.maybe i am over sensitive about it but being judged for every little teeny criticism i ever have of my stepchildren tends to make you a tad sensitive. anger issues? yes i expect i do have issues. if you had to put on a brave face, be the "strong one", pick up the pieces for everybody all the time then i expect you'd have anger issues too.but my love for my stepchildren is not questionable.

beinganevilstepmomsucks dont get upset,being a parent is bloody hard,i have no stepchildren but im sure you treat them no differently from your own.please dont cry.

evil.......((hugs)) please don;t cry, you are doing an amazing job...i know how much you love all your children...please don;t berate yourself..you are anything but cold...xxxx

Ahh you sound JUST like me

I am an evil Dictator so often because I just can't COPE with bad behaviour from my 4 year-old, who is generally a delightful child - but it is so hard especially with the baby to manage as well. She gets a lot of freedom but when she is playing me up - frankly I would love to just lock them both in the shed and go and spend the evening in a nice wine bar

I totally understand your fury etc. and also your remorse - I so often tell dd off for some petty crime and she will cry or be really upset and I really hate myself for not being more organised / calm / in a rush / worried about sick baby etc. - but you can only do so much, you can't be perfect all the time, sometimes you have to be a bit of a dictator just so YOU can cope

Some days are good, some days are not so good

Don't beat yourself up though, it sounds like you are doing a FAB job, especially with THREE

Glad I stumbled on this thread. DS (3.5) is exactly the same, knows when he's pushing things and knows which switches to flip on me. Despite all the 'positive parenting' stuff that has been thrust on me, When under stress I also come down on him like parent from hell, feel awful for doing it and end up feeling like bad evil hopeless mum.

Nice to know this feeling of inadequacy is a normal hazard of parenting. My NYR of being more relaxed and less stressed out with him may survive a few more weeks

Big hugs
My delightful, funny, sweet, gorgeous little DD2 (3yrs) is driving me insane too! She is not doing anything extremely naughty - just misjudging my mood, thinks everything is a game, takes forever to do anything she is asked, very messy and strong willed etc etc. I have the problem, not her. I am always in a rush, expect too much from her in many ways and am constantly saying "no!". So sad to write down but it is true. I am not the all patient perfect mummy I long to be Sure, I give them loads of love, give them plenty of my time etc but atm I seem to be soo busy, soo tired and very iritable. Poor kids. This thread has reminded me to see it from their side, that it isn?t DD2 being anything other than a lively 3 yr old and I need to get a grip!
At least we care enough to be concerned about our parenting when it is going not to plan. I am going to take the afternoon off and take DD2 to the park before picking up DD1 from school - some quality time required! xx

I am sending you a huge hug.
I have a 4yo who can be like this.
I think you are being incredibly calm.
What seems to work re autonomy with my ds is that he now knows no reasonable request will be refused
For example - if he wanted to wear different clothes/embark on massive art project, he now comes to me and asks (without whinging) whether he can wear his blue shirt/do painting. If it is not a school day then I will bite my lip and say "of course you can wear your blue shirt with those lovely brown trousers" or "we don't have time for painting right now, but we can do some as soon as you get home from school".
ps He always remembers that I have promised the painting for after school

I'm sorry my initial post upset you

But please do bear in mind that I wrote that post before you mentioned that it was you DSD you were talking about. I wasn't judging you as a step-parent (I'd like to say I wasn't judging you at all - commenting rather than judging, but maybe I crossed the line).

You sound like you are tired and emotional - and picking up everyone elses pieces would drive anyone to that - I totally agree.

These are your feelings though, and are generated (can't think of a better word, but it isn;t quite right - hopefully YKWIM) by you, not by your DSD's behaviour.

All of us have times when we feel we're not doing our best as parents - and I think this questioning is good in the main. I wonder whether your scrutiny by others over your love for your children has perhaps made you more sensitive though, so perhaps you overanalyse, perhaps even try too hard to be perfect - to put yourself beyond scrutiny if you like?

As many other posters on the thread have said, the idea of 'perfect' parenting does seem to be shifting to the supernanny type mode - which might work for the serious kind of behavioural issues they are typically dealing with on the program, but are like sledgehammers to nuts for the kind of typical low level petty rule breaking that the just out of toddlerhood love to display.

Above all, please accept my apologies for upsetting you, it really wasn't my intention - I was just trying to understand better what exactly was driving you to be so angry

many thanks to all you lovely lovely people who have made me feel like i am not alone - you really will never know how much better you have made me feel.
soapbox - i apologise for snapping at you - i really appreciate your honesty and realise now (in a calmer state of mind!)that you are actually right - i do try to be "above scrutiny" which of course is impossible!
evil's new year's resolution - RELAX!!!!

thank you all again and hugs all round

Evil - just wanted to say - I read your OP and my first thought was ... wow, that woman manged to stay calm when she wasn't feeling it ... hummm, would like to be able to do this! Agree with what many have said on her, that the trick (that we ALL wish to manage) is that fabulous calm place where we can separate those misbehaviours that matter from those that frustrate us quite needlessly. I shall think of your 'calm god' next time I'm trying to do this

I would be thrilled if my 4 year ol would get himself dressed in something other than his superman or skeleton costume!

How about giving her a choice of clothes for example? Then she may feel that she can exert 'personality' while still staying within what you want her to wear?

My 4 year old tests the boundaries all the time - but like a previous poster said, I pick my battles

good luck

No paper projects and no toys in bed sound very sensible to me. DD7 yrs is stillnot allowed pencils or craoyons in her room, in living room so they can be supervised.

Perhaps she doesn't know know exactly what is expected from her. When taking toys away explain why. I did a morning and evening chart for my two so they knew what was to be done next without me nagging them. I think she might be trying to please you and be a good girl sometimes but isn't exactly sure why. Perhaps a comprimise on the clothes and again more explaination. I personally don't like the guilt trip bit on little ones, like saying I am so dissapointed and sad, but I do go for a firm but fair approach and I try to have funs and jokes with them too.

oh and can i just say that usually she chooses what to wear but she had already done that, hence the clothes being on the chair.
thank you thank you again. am really going now...

sorry I meant "sometimes but isn't exactly sure how"

Well I think you are totally right to stick to your guns about bedtime and about no craft projects in her bedroom and it sounds like you handled everything really calmly - well done you!!!

The only thing I'd suggest is trying to separate the behaviour from the child - ie "Your BEHAVIOUR has made me feel rather cross and I now want you to do x, y, z about it" rather than "YOU have made me feel cross." This a) shows that you love her but the naughtiness is the thing that bothers you and b) gives her a chance to put things right.

Maybe I'm a nazi-mum too but I'd have been very cross (and indeed have been on occassion) if my dds deliberately ignored my instructions!!! I think you're doing a fantastic job!

evil, I agree with the paper projects in the bedroom. DD (3.5) got a lovely set of crayons and pencils for Xmas as wanted to draw all the time, even at bedtime. I relented my rule on drawing in the bedroom and let do it. This morning I went into her room to find all the teddies off of her shelf and piled up on the bed and the bedhead. Lifting them up I have found crayon and pencil scribbled all over her duvet cover and bed.

I was fuming but also had to laugh at her way of trying to cover it up, she couldn't have made it more obvious if she tried!!

We have good days and bad days, I just try to remember her silly knock knock jokes and how funny she finds herself, take a deep breath and walk away from battles that just aren't worth fighting!

FB x

Having been driven potty by DS this afternoon I need to ask you mums with ahem...difficult...LOs like mine if they ever go through the cycle of telling DK off for their behaviour, have them be sorry and remorseful only to do the same thing again within 5 mins?

Stepmummy (can't call you evil) I have same problem over bed time, and I must say I never thought of confiscating toys (thinks: could this work for me?) We also have sneaking out of room and annoying sisters, and sometimes use of pencils etc not allowed in bedroom. We don't usually think of punishing misbehaviour that has happened - beyond taking the toy and putting it away in its usual place, or sending him back to bed -but we do make threats as to what will happen if he doesn't behave now. The most effective was You will not be watching Dr Who on christmas day if we hear another peep out of you!!!

Reading about your treatment of the same problem makes me think we're way too lenient and that's why our evenings are so interrupted and our children's sleep cycles so unsatisfactory. They don't want to get up in the morning either. But in term time they have to, and after a while they adjust.

I belong to a babysitting circle and I feel a bit embarrassed that it is so much harder work with ours than with other people's children who seem always to be asleep before I even arrive.

Message withdrawn

You sound very calm to me and the overall picture seems to be that it is working and your dd will turn out to be a well behaved little girl.

However you have really got me thinking as I do let my dd play in her room before she goes to sleep. She doesn't leave her room or disturb her brother so I have never thought of it as a problem. Perhaps I shouldn't let her or have a time limit!

Also the clothes thing. My DD has always been so fussy about her clothes (even at 18 months) for a while now I have let her choose her own clothes and providing they are approprtiate for the weather I tend not to interfere! At first when she was 4 we had some 'unusual' combinations but now (5) she is pretty good at combining clothes into an outfit! (it helps that I get things that all sort of go colour wise though)

Shosha, completely agree with you and your mother about carrying out threats. Didn't mean to suggest empty threats; we meant business about Dr Who and he knew it.