Not Coping with his Temper

[WedgiesMum]

My heart is absolutely breaking with this and I just feel so hopeless, I don't know what to do. DS is 5 and in his second term at school. He is really bright, but emotionally very very volatile. He has tantrums at school on a daily basis, and has been sent home from school twice because he can't calm down. He is frightening the other children with his erratic behaviour. Some days he is mostly calm and controlled and others he flies off the handle at the smallest things. It's partly to do with not being able to cope in a big group I think, he likes to be first to do everything all the time, he wants to be the leader at everything, he wants to sit exactly where he wants and can't cope if someone moves into his place when he goes off to get his pencil from his drawer. He throws stuff, rips up his work or crosses it out if it is not perfect (in his opinion), gets angry if he gets a question wrong - god I could go on. He is worst when he is hungry, tured or ill, but not completley perfect when there is nothing wrong.

It's not the same at home, his temper is much milder, and during the holidays we can go for days without even a flicker but I think that is because he gets much more individual attention. When he is in a good mood he is loving and caring, generous, happy and funny and really patient (like yesterday he waited 25 minutes in a queue to go on a bouncy castle), but can't seem to maintain it at school. We have tried everything we can think of. We have very firm rules about behaviour at home, and school does too. there are definite consequences for bad behaviour, things he does not like. He gets plenty of positive reinforcement. He is on a no enumbers diet, has a multivitamin and fishoil everyday and I've just started him at a cranial osteopath.

We had a meeting with his teacher and the Head today at school as they are concerned about him and have asked if they can refer him to the Educational Psychologist. Does this mean he will have this as a stigma on his record all the way through school?? What will they do?? what kind of things can they recommend?? I feel like I've really failed him, he is my first child (we have a DD too) and I had 4 years of fertility treatment to get him and I love him so much, but it just seems like I can't get it right to help him. I could even understand it if he hated school, but he doesn't he loves being there and soaks it all up and is doing really well, although he would do much much better if he didn't spend so much time tantrumming in a corner or in the Heads office calming down.

Please can anyone help?? Words of wisdom?? Coping strategies?? anyone been here??

Thanks just for taking the time to read this, it's good to get it off my chest.

Oh Roisin, sorry to hear all this. Hope things sort themselves out. It sounds like you're handling your DS1 really well in the circumstances.

Emotional/social immaturity ringing bells here too!

Thanks Marialuisa and Tigermoth - means a lot to me. I'm a complete wreck today ... am supposed to be working on a job application, and I just can't focus.

I thought I might get a phone call today, and haven't so far. If my presence isn't requested today after school, I think I'll leave it til the middle of next week, to assess how well he's settled back down with his regular teacher. Tbh I'm just feeling really emotional about it right now. I just can't believe we seem to have had such huge and sudden setbacks in his behaviour, after such a good year

Wedgiesmum - I did want to add something about extra-curric activities, and music.

5 is not too young to start formal music lessons, if they are interested and if the teacher is experienced in dealing with little ones. I've just started teaching ds2 piano, and he is lapping it up. I'm stunned at his concentration and determination and progress. I'd consider paying for lessons for him in September, but he's too shattered after school. (Maybe he could have piano during schooltime, and get out of the boring carpet time?! ... I wish!) If you decide to go for lessons, do you have a teacher in mind? My sil is a superb pianist, and teaches piano, and knows what littlies need as well. She studied in Leeds, and may know of someone suitable near you. Just a thought anyway - let me know if it helps.

As far as ds1 is concerned we've found the best extra-curric activities are the ones run through school. Generally (and there are exceptions - like yesterday ) he is on familiar territory, so copes well at school for activities. Also, if things do go completely pear-shaped (like yesterday ), there will be familiar people around who are used to dealing with him, and know how to handle him.

Oh roisin, how really upsetting for you. I have been thinking about you all night and this morning. I am starting to think that setbacks are inevitable with our boys. And I think they they will always come as a shock, because they will lull us into a false sense of security and things will seem relatively calm before a big blow out - and it will be a big blow out as they do not do these things quietly do they? At least they are being upfront and open about their reaction and demonstrating their discontent rather than hiding it away (she says trying to find a positive here).

I can completely sympathise with how unfocussed you feel today, it is so difficult to concentrate when you don't know what is going on, but imagine the worst.

I don't think that a teacher having the wrong approach for him and therefore suffering disasterous consequences necessarily means a SEN as such. As you say he is a dream if handled correctly, and surely the school should have something in place to inform supply staff if there are any children in their class with specific needs?? Especially as this particular form of supply would have been planned for a long time.

All children are different and need to be handled differently in the learning environment, and some react with more extremity if things don't go to plan, or aren't following their perception of the plan. For my DS he get disorientated and unfocussed and this causes him to feel uncertain and so he lashes out (verbally/physically) and he also tries it on to see what he can get away with, getting more and more extreme in the process.

I hope that he settles back into routine on Monday, and feels more secure about it. I think that brighter children often have much more expectation on them to behave with maturity and to work independently more so that staff can deal with those who are stuggling with their work, and I think this will backfire in certain cases like ours. Yes they are bright, but they also need that higher contact with staff to maintain interest and motivation, but it's not seen as a priority for them as they are seen as being able to keep up anyway.

Sending a cyber HUG, call me if you need, will email my home number to you.

WMxx

Started the last post and got interrupted halfway through, so kind of crossed posts!

DS is really keen to start to learn the trumpet - Hmmm! I have suggested piano, violin or flute (there is someone who advertises at school), but he is insistent on trumpet May look for a teacher, but if he decides he likes the piano I will let you know - Thanks!

Unfortunately after school activities only start in year 2 at our school, so I don't have a lot of choice about that. But I was thinking of seeing if he could do swimming at the local pool.

ps GET BACK TO YOUR APPLICATION WOMAN

I love our school Ds1 came out calm as a lamb today - Deputy Head has "had words" with him today about tennis and supply teacher. I don't know what was said, but ds1 seems very content. Didn't rant about his supply teacher at all ont he way home (first time in 10 days), and seems in a much better humour generally. I wasn't summoned, so will try and touch base with his teacher one day next week when I've relaxed a bit.

Thank you for your support everybody.

Wedgiesmum, I know someone else who wanted to learn the trumpet, and every teacher they asked said he would have to have his second teeth properly through before he could begin, so your ds might have to wait a little while, I'm afraid.

Hope u dont mind me jumping into this thread. have been reading it all with great interest.

My DS twin 1 has had various issues at school since starting in september and Ive found it very very difficult to deal with. Sounds pathetic but I've found it really upsetting.

At one stage the teacher said she was watching for ADHD (then denied that she'd ever said it ??!!) then the last conversation was that he has 'concentration difficulties'.

He's very good at reading and appears very bright but the 'emotional immaturity' really rings a bell. EG. Finds it very difficult to control his temper or will get very upset over something relatively minor.

When hes interestd in something (like lego or a jigsaw) however he'll concentrate for hours.

Cant remember who asked about this but DS is quite big for his age and looks older than he is.

His teacher is very very negative about him (although she is about a lot of the boys in the class) and every conversation with her is pessimistic.

I feel very sad that his reception yr has been so negative for him.

Anyway - sorry for going on.

wedgiesmum - sorry dont have any coping strategies yet but good luck!! i really feel for you because I know it really is so difficult and upsetting when its your child.

Kizziex

tamum - THANK YOU a great reason for starting another instrument - brill!!! I just couldn't face the idea of trumpet practice...

Hi kizzie - good to hear from you again. You have had a really tough time with DS twin 1 haven't you. And I certainly don't think it's pathetic. How they behave is a very personal thing, as you blame yourself and feel other do too, it's something you take very personally. I told you on the other thread didn't I that my DS sounded like yours didn't I?? Sounds like his teacher is rubbish though (sorry, I'm a bit blunt) and not handling it well at all. Poor you, at least I feel supported by the school (mostly). Will his Year 1 teacher be any better do you think?? Are you joining our support group then??

roisin - great news!! Sounds like the right approach has been taken with DS1. Hope he finds it easy to settle. Have you finished your job application??

lars - are you still there?? Did you get my email, how is DS??

My DS had another non-throwing day at school today, but was in trouble for talking! To be honest at this stage I am happy for him to be in trouble for talking rather than throwing and hurting people...He's currently sleeping in our bed though as I think he's feeling a bit in need of a love

Hi WM! Glad you had a non-throwing/hitting day today, and delighted that you're on good terms with the school.

Hello Kizzie - great to see you on this thread.

yep - im definately joining.

Ive got other issues at the moment (v boring but have been battling an addiction to 'non addictive' AD's for 3 yrs) but I really do think that even without that I would have found all this v difficult.

wedgiesmum - I AM a bit more hopeful about yr 1 teachers. there are 2 classes but both teachers are quite young and v enthusiastic (whereas current teacher is a bit 'world weary'.)

GOOD NEWS - Took DS to a little football club and he really really tried. He listened and joined in with the others. I nearly cried when he scored a goal. After always seeming to be in trouble - the look of delight on his face was wonderful.

(Note to self - dont be bitter. BUT I really wish his teacher had been there so that I could have had a little smug smile. )
Kizziex

Kizzie - sounds positive about teachers next term ... I think it's so important at this age.

DS1 had a teacher at age 4-5, (woman mid-50s, been teaching 'forever' ), who quite clearly didn't get on with him, couldn't see his good points at all, had just moved to this age-group 'for an easy life', and just saw him as a pain in the neck.

When he started in yr1 he had a young, enthusiastic male teacher, who saw ds1 as a positive challenge. When he had been there 8 days I commented (on mumsnet) that he had a better relationship with ds1, and a grasp of what made him tick, than former teacher managed in an entire year. At the time he said that he thought that some of the comments written on ds1's report were "entirely unfair, unreasonable, and inappropriate, and he he didn't want to speak to the person who wrote them!"

Ds1 was clearly not an easy child to have in his class, but he thoroughly enjoyed teaching him.

Incidentally, this is not supposed to be an ageist or sexist post - his current teacher is also mid-50s, female, been teaching forever - but is absolutely superb with him too.

Just wondering how everyone is getting on. Kizzie? Binkie? Lars? WM? 4 wks left of this school year. How's this half-term going for everybody?

Hello Wedgies mum I am new to this site but I really do understand what you are going through. I have 4 children 3DS and 1DD. My DS1 was diagnosed with ADD (Attention Defecit Disorder) in 2001, he is 10. My DS3 is currently under the Education Pyschologist and behaviour specialist. They think he has ADHD (Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder). When he started Nursery I remember nearly crying when I had to pick him up scared of what he had done that afternoon. In the end I got so ill that I was on antidepressants and myself and my husband decided to put him in a private nursery every afternoon which was funded. He came on leaps and bounds there as he had one to one most of the time. When the time came for him to go to reception I was panicking and sure enough within the first week he had been excluded. I was told he was a naughty boy over and over again. He kept throwing things he kept running away, spitting, biting, alot of crying. He even hit a teacher twice. I was called into school nearly every afternoon, I felt all the mums in the playground looking at me. I made myself ill again. Then one day I completely snapped and after the 4th attempt of seeing the health visitor I put my foot down and said something has got to be done. They sent me to a pediatrician who did the connor score on him and he was what they say on the verge of having adhd. They then called the head psychologist in. Like you I was worried and even thought my child was mad.

Since that first meeting they have found out some very useful things. These are they let DS3 into school at 9.05 when most of the children were out of the cloakroom. He couldn't stand big crowds. I also collected him at 3.15pm again so he could get ready in the cloakroom without all the other children. He has a bit of green carpet which is in the same place where they have to sit at circle time. He always knows where to sit now. The teacher started to take him from me once we had done the shoes and coats whether he was having a tantrum or not so I could leave without getting upset and upsetting him. He was given a bean bag to lay on if he got tired or upset so he could sit quitely.

The biggest thing was no teacher talks to me now until Friday. Every afternoon when I pick him up I either get a thumbs up which means a good day or nothing which means not so good. We also have a diary which the teacher writes in everyday and is given to me on a friday.

He also was having about 3 hours sleep at night this went on for 2 years. I had been to the doctor over and over again, but they won't give me anything. Then when I last went to the doctors there was a new doctor there when I explained about my ds3 he gave me phenagon he has it everynight. He sleeps now 11 hours in the night. He has greatly improved at School.

I would just like you to know that at first when they mention Head Pyschologists and behaviour specialists it is frightening but it does help.

I hope that some of this points might help you with your child.

Good Luck