I'm concerned about my son & would appreciate some help from parents of school-aged kids :(

[Lsmum]

Hi. My ds is 6 1/2 and is in his first year of school. For most of the year, things have been going well - good report, group of mates that he plays with every day, etc etc.

He has seemed a bit down lately and hasn't been trying as hard at school, eg. every week the kids can earn stickers and points toward receiving an award, if they do good work & display good behaviour etc. Ds was doing this with lots of enthusiasm and earning regular points, but lately he hasn't had any and he doesn't seem to care about it anymore - I think he's generally feeling down. I found out a couple of weeks ago that one of the boys in his group (who appears to be a bit of a troublemaker) has become quite possessive of my ds' closest friend. As a result, this boy and ds' friend have teamed up together and when they feel like it , they will pick on ds by coming to look for him at lunch time and trying to fight him. This has turned around completely from a few months ago, when this group of about 6 boys were all friends. Now ds appears to have been singled out, and some days they will play with him and some days they won't - all (seemingly) because of this kid who wanted to muscle in on the friendship. I regularly see this boy kicking other children in the playground, and apparently he's been told off a few times for kicking/hitting my ds when ds can be bothered complaining about it, but nothing else seems to have been done.

No major damage has been done in the sense that ds is not coming home with cuts or injuries, but they taunt him and push him down to the ground, that kind of thing. Then other days they will be nice and 'let' him play with them. I know it's upsetting him that this group don't seem to be as friendly with him anymore and I don't think he understands it at all - he said he doesn't want to fight them and he just wants it to stop. I've now made an appointment with his teacher on Thursday to discuss it with her and I absolutely don't want this kid in the same class as ds next year.

So basically my question is - what would you do? Are these 'normal' kind of playground antics?? I know kids tend to be fickle and can be friendly one day and nasty the next, but I just want to hear whether this kind of thing has happened to other people's children and if it has improved with time, etc. Ds is a lovely kid, he has his faults like most children but is the type who just wants to be friends with everyone. He really likes this group of boys and probably shows it too much, which is perhaps why a couple of them have turned on him. He's a more sensitive type than a rough time, IYKWIM. I'm really not sure what to do, but am hurt on his behalf. Thank you.

I have been through all of this with all my children. So much depends on the abilities and attitude of the head teacher. Everything comes from the top, and children learn very early in their school career what they can get away with.

Part of the problem IMHO is that here in the UK very small children are pushed into formal learning, and the confined space of the classroom. way before thy have developed the social skills and awareness to deal with it. Class sizes are too big for the the way the state system is run and primary education needs a lot more funding than is currently the case.

Boys can be worse than girls, because they build up a level of frustration that can spill over into the playground; often by the time they are in year one, gangs are developing and the playground can resemble a war zone.

It takes a wise and strong head teacher to keep this under control, and sadly, IME there aren't too many of those about.

I agree 3 frogs.

At the boys playground (a school where anyone would be proud to send their kids) my son (I will explain he has ASD, he's not bad in any way but unable to empathise or cope in that situation) has been allowed to divide the Yr2 boys into 'teams' which spend the days fighting, DS randomly reassigns children based on his notion of who is bad or good that day. Like so many powerful people, his assumed authority holds much sway amongst the other children . I hear about this through my other son and indeed other children who approach me for help and I hate it, really loathe it. yet without the support of the Head- not given- or anynother hlelp (SENDO wants 1 - 1 in playgrounds for him, LEA seriosuly unlikely to give) then there is nothing i can do and I really feel pity for DS (well ahrdly his fault), for the kids and for the parents.

Not suggesting your childs bullies are in any way SN btw, just illustrating the effect of a bad head teacher.

I really sympathise lsmum, only just resd this post.sounds like my son..I think you have to act,if your son is upset by these other boys,its not right.I had a similar situation not long ago,and went to the school,on several occasions,it has been dealt with very effectively,but you have to push it,until you get positive results.Also,with sensitive boys,(and many are)they have to learn to be more assertive,sometimes they have to be told,not to fight if its not in their nature,but to be more assertive verbally.you need to sort this out with the school.wish you loads of luck,you've probably done this by now.

...ds has been allowed to divide the Yr2 boys into 'teams' which spend the days fighting, DS randomly reassigns children based on his notion of who is bad or good that day. Like so many powerful people, his assumed authority holds much sway amongst the other children.

Peachy - that is exactly what is going on in my son's year. One or two of the boys get to say who will be in their 'team' that day, and who won't be. And they seem to have started spending their time in the playground fighting or play-fighting (unsure which but I think it's more like real fighting now) and ds doesn't like it. He said he sometimes tries to fight back but other times he just runs away because he's had enough. I am so angry I feel like slapping these kids at the moment but obviously you can't. This is a really 'good' school too by the way, one that we pay good money for. It just shows you that it can happen anywhere.

That first sentence was meant to be in italics but obviously I've done something wrong - it's just a quote from Peachy's last post.

It's BULLYING and needs to be nipped in the bud right now. Speak to the class teacher and say that you would like to meet with her after school one day to discuss this. She may well reassure you that she already knows what is going on and is dealing with it.
At my sons' primary school a 6 year old child was biting others so hard that he drew blood. He was expelled. If your son is being pushed to the ground then the parents of the offending child need to know that if his behaviour continues he is in danger of being suspended.

I know its silly,but sometimes I feel like putting a hidden camera somewhere,to get the proof,and get the results we need with people to act properly with these incidents.I think if you support your son as much as poss,and sort out school,he will be strong enough yo see that these horrible kids are not worth bothering with,he will make his own mind up,maybe?

I spoke to ds' teacher today and she was very supportive. She was sad to hear that ds was feeling upset by this and she thanked me for telling her. She is also going to speak to this rough kid's parents and tell them how he has been behaving - apparently she's had problems with him on and off throughout the year, so I'm happy that she's going to address the problem again.

I also got the chance to speak to one of the boys in ds' class who has been giving him a hard time lately. He tried to make out as if it was ds' fault, but after a few minutes he did admit that he's actually the one who's been picking on ds. I told him that the teacher knows all about it and that I want him to start behaving like a friend and not a bully - he promised me that he would, but who knows. At least I got to tell him that I KNOW what's going on, and he knows I am serious about it.

Anyway we'll see what happens. I still feel really sad for ds, who ended up playing on his own again today. He's been friends with these kids all year and I hate to see it affect him like this, particularly because he just loves one particular boy but doesn't have much of a friendship with him anymore.

Good on the mums who have spoken to the children face-to-face.Let's hope they learn something.

at curlew and the doll

Sorry to drag this thread up again but I am wondering now if I did the right thing in talking to ds' teacher. Apparently she addressed the whole class about treating each other nicely and not dividing themselves into 'teams', to the exclusion of other children. She also told this rough boy that she would be talking to his parents again about his behaviour.

It seemed to work with one of the boys (who ds has been having problems with), he apologised to ds today and apparently they played together which is nice to hear. With the other two boys though (the rough kid and his friend), it seemed to have the opposite effect I think they figured out that ds must have complained about them, and they went looking for him in the playground again today. Actually I think ds told them that his mum (me) had spoken to the teacher about it - I don't know WHY he told them. Anyway one boy apparently told the other boy to 'get' ds, so he hit him between the legs. Ds cried and told his teacher when they went back to the classroom, and I believe she told them off for their behaviour.

My concern is, that even though one of the boys is now being nice to him, the other two are seeking him out. DH seems to think that I should've turned a blind eye to a certain extent, and that maybe I shouldn't have spoken to the teacher about it. He doesn't like what's happening to ds, but he thinks this might've made it worse. What do you think - did I do the wrong thing?? I never dreamt that ds would admit to these boys that I had spoken to the teacher about them. What a mess. DH also thinks that because ds is only 6 1/2, I shouldn't be so concerned about stuff like this happening - I think he thinks I'm overreacting and that this type of teasing/bullying is quite normal. I don't know what to think now.

No you haven't done the wrong thing, nor has ds in telling the truth to the other boys. Your ds must keep telling the teacher every time they do something unacceptable to him. She must deal with them.

you are doing the right thing ,don't give up on this .
As long as your son is unhappy,you must act on it.keep going ,you are on the right path.It will be ok.