Severe anger and tantrums in 9 year old - who should we seek help from?

[diplodocus]

DD is 9 and has had trouble with anger and tantrums on and off since the end of year R. They used to be very much related to school issues (although she had them at home)- she struggles with friendships in particular and is very oversensitive. Things usually calm down over holidays, but this summer the opposite has happened - she is constantly angry and rude, and has at least one full on tantrum a day which involves screaming, pushing and shoving. She is very aggressive and angry towards her sister but also to her dad and I. She rarely shows her anger out of the home and is usually very polite to others (although this is beginning to change a little). We're at the stage we need professional advice, partly as I'm worried she'll hurt her sister. We've briefly seen an educational psychologist (mostly about her difficulties with friendships and lack of concentration) who really wasn't very interested as she's not a "failing child" and academically is well within limits. The implication was we were overanxious parents. We've had a consultation about how to manage her tantrums with a behaviour specialist and this hasn't really helped either - we've tweaked our approach a bit but basically we're not doing anything unusual. Sanctions do nothing - she just gets angrier. We try and praise the good (or even the OK) but to be honest there's precious little to praise at the moment. She can't articulate why she's so angry - blames everyone else and says everyone's mean to her and bullies her (they're not and they don't - this generally means they don't agree with her or she's not getting own way all the time). Most of the time she's defiant but occasionally she breaks down and is really contrite and sad, which breaks my heart. There have been no major changes in her life. Eats and sleeps well and is healthy.

Who would be the best professional to turn to? We will probably see a GP next week but I'm very aware that anything on the NHS will take forever and am happy to pay to see someone privately as this is making us all miserable and I'm worried for her future. I'm just at a bit of a loss as to who? I'm presuming some sort of psychologist but educational? behavioural? clinical? What approaches / qualifications should I be looking for? Any suggestions very gratefully received.

Thanks again for your thoughts. She's tried riding ( a friend has horse) and she wasn't particularly taken. I do think though it's important to do things separately from her sister. She does dance which she enjoys and I'm thinking of adding drama which she's keen to do - I think that would be quite a positive outlet for her energies. She doesn't have a paediatrician (we're in the UK) and I doubt one would be interested in her much.

drama woud be great, have you heard of Stagecoach? It is a company that offers children singing, dancing and acting lessons at the weekend and in the holidays.

You sound a great mum, good luck x

I would also consider looking at the possibility that she may have ADHD. DS2 was only diagnosed at the age of 12, despite years of various interventions. Rage is a big part of this condition for some children, and medication can really help.

She sounds similar to my 10 yr old, who has a form of ASD called pathological demand avoidance. Children tend to have better surface social skills so it can be tricky to spot.

Practically, it would be worth reading The Explosive Child (I know someone's mentioned this, but it really is worth reading).
You say that sanctions make things worse - if you google PDA resource there are loads of links to strategies that are different to normal parenting, it might be worth exploring those and seeing if you can help your dd feel less out of control.

OP, IME I would recommend reading around following many of the posts here.
ASD presents differently in girls and sadly too many professionals refuse to see it, even though it's well documented.
We saw camhs for 2 of my dc, and tbh it was a pointless waste of time and very distressing as they were no help at times when we really needed it, so I wouldn't have much faith in the spam posts above at all!

Write diaries so you can start to spot any patterns, take a step back and try to identify triggers, ask her teachers and see if there's anything going on there. Once you have a vague idea you can then start to use strategies that will help your dd, and it will mean that you have evidence if you decide to ask for a referral to a developmental paed.

Good luck.

Thanks all. I have heard of stagecoach and she did a trial session with a friend, but am a bit put off by the cost! I'll do some more reading and thanks for the book recommendations, all. Diary is a good idea. I agree that no-one seems interested in the more subtle difficulties children face, and if she's not showing massively disruptive symptoms at school they seem to think it's not a real problem. Interestingly she's been fine the last few days after a really awful run of about 5 days.
I really appreciate the support I've been offered on this thread - many thanks.

I am following this thread with interest after the most awful few weeks with my 8yo DS, who is having more tantrums now than he ever did as a toddler. I have said for a while that I think he has some kind of high-functioning ASD/PDA and/or ADHD; the school have identified him as being in need of 'social scaffolding', whatever that is when it's at home, although behaviourally he's good as gold at school, and after a scene last week that left me sitting on a packed beach in floods of tears with a thousand pairs of eyes burning into my back, DH is finally starting to agree that something is not right. I'm not sure what our next step will be but I am going straight to Amazon to order 'The Explosive Child'.

how are your parenting skills?

you can not be serious

My dd is 5 but she sounds incredibly similar. We have has a horrendous day today- she refused to leave the holiday cottage this morning, wouldn't eat her lunch, cried for 45 mins because her 2 year old brother said she was a dinosaur (!), stormed off every 5 minutes at the beach because one of us looked at her wrong, whinged and moaned for the 15 minute walk home, and refused to go to sleep because she was too hot/too thirsty/wasn't tired. I'm exhausted and so resentful that our 'family holiday' is being ruined by her behaviour. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better but I doubt it.
She is definitely jealous of her brother and is so controlling. At the moment school have no concerns but I can't see that lasting. If she continues in this vein I can't see her having any friend either and that makes me so sAd because she can be delightful but it is increasingly rare . I was hoping she would grow out of it but it seems unlikely...

Don't - this is the sort of age that that things started going wrong for DD in terms of behaviour, so you have my sympathy. It's so hard when you know this behaviour isn't the real "them" and they're making themselves unpopular and to be honest quite unpleasant to be around. I really don't know what I'd have done differently if I had the time over again - nothing really jumped out. We've always set limits, tried to be consistent and modelled good interactions as far as possible. To be fair we do get angry and frustrated with her at times, which makes things worse. DD is certainly very controlling and often uses a particular behaviour to try to get one of us to do what she wants - we resist it but it's a constant battle.