I'm shaking and crying. DS's teacher says they think he has attachment disorder

[clumsymum]

DS is having all sorts of behaviour difficulties at school, and we have an IEP in place, and on-going detailed discussions about how to improve his behaviour.

He is a VERY bright little boy, and I have been looking at information on gifted children. We can tick several of the boxes for features common to gifted children, including disruptive behaviour at school.

I mentioned this to his teacher this morning (she was explaining a change to his star chart system). She was dismissive, and said they were rather inclined towards the Attachment Disorder theory.
So I came home and googled attachment disorder. I got this site .

Now I admit, looking at the symptoms that we can tick 3 boxes (and only those three).

?Intense control battles, very bossy and argumentative; defiance and anger

?Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging

?Poor peer relationships

But NONE of the others (especially the ones about Learning lags/delays and Speech and language problems).

The reason I am SOOOOO devastated is this.
?Parents appear hostile and angry
?The child was neglected and/or physically abused in the first three years of life

This syndrome is apparently associated with children who were uncared for as babies. The case study given on the website is of a child who was adopted from a Romanian Orphanage.MY CHILD WAS NURTURED BY DH AND I FROM THE FIRST MINUTE OF HIS LIFE.

I don't know what to say when I collect ds from school today. I KNOW this theory is wrong. I don't know what they think of me.

My gut instinct is to remove this child from this teacher immediately.

Help.

sorry, didnt notice that aitch had just said that!
couldnt believe it so just posted without reading any more!

Thanks also MaLady.

Yes you are right, I need to keep a written record of what has been said, and write to the head (who has not returned my call yet).

I am expecting to be contacted by the SENCO sometime in the next couple of weeks, so they can set up a meeting to inform me of the Ed Psych's conclusions. I want to nip any ideas of this preposterous theory in the bud, before it gets entrenched.

I need to find some money I think, to give us access to private education. Otherwise if I try to change schools, I can see that This problem may follow us.

No, to be clear, I DID know they were asking an ed psych to see ds.

However, I expected a meeting where her findings would be revealed, not that she would propose some theory to his teacher first, and if that has been done, then I will make an official complaint to the school and the LEA (and whoever the psych reports to). If this theory is the teacher's alone, then I'll expect a formal apology from her, to ensure that she thinks before speaking to a parent in such terms again.

Sorry trying to stay calm.

What do you think Clumsymum? What is he doing at school or why? Get your theories on record - what do you think is happening at school and why? You will be the best judge of what is going on imo. If the school is making him tense/stressed for some reason then moving is a good idea, that's what we had - my ds was being bullied and the school chose to ignore it as the other parents were too scary - so we moved and never looked back. When the new school got the school records a few months down the line they could not equate them with my child, so moving him paid off. Is it poss your ds is being bullied/intimidated? That's what my ds had and he was so anxious all the time he clowned around to compensate but then we moved school and it never happended again.

oh i see.
agree with what you say. they should have called a meeting with you so she could put her findings forward and you could have all come to a conclusion together.

If I were you, I would explain that you are very concerned that they have made this judgment and ask to see the evidence upon which their judgment is based. Be calm and put them in the position of having to justify themselves.

I would certainly say that I would expect feedback from a psychatrist-type person to be given in a formal situation with both you and the head (or whoever) present so that it could be discussed. I agree that labelling a child can be very damaging and it does seem from the links that this is a very serious label to be applying.

I think it is appalling and shows a real lack of judgment on the part of the teacher that she told you in such a way. Before you speak or meet the head, definitely write down all your concerns, get your dh to review and comment, leave for a day or two and then re-review yourself. That is what I would do for a business meeting and a meeting concerning your ds is obviously so much more important...

Re: behaviour, I know my parents were told to get me some extra-curricular activities because I was bored at school so I wound up doing chemistry lessons - very practical and fun. Maybe there is something like that which would provide your ds with the stimulation he might be lacking at school?

I would be livid if a teacher said this to me. When did this teacher qualify as a medic specialising in psychiatry? She is entitled to make her opinions clear on your child's education - NOT on his mental health. I would file a complain to the highest level - even the DFES. I'm not surprised you're upset. Don't take any notice of this woman. I'm giving you the biggest hugs.

Well I spoke to the head.

She said that teacher had meant that ds had some of the character traits of a child with attachment disorder, and they will look at the strategies they had used with a former pupil who did have it.
Head suggested that it was only mentioned to me as I am one of the more "understanding" parents.

That isn't quite what she said, and given the fact that she was rushed this morning, I don't think she should have mentioned it at all.

Apparently the ed psych is planning a home visit (gulp)

Just a quick post to say that a home visit from the Ed Psych is really nothing to worry about. It is positive that they will be able to talk to you on your home turf, and discuss any concerns you might have. Our Ed Psych was brilliant, and a great ally in our fight with the LEA to get appropriate support for our son.

AFAIK, Ed Psychs are more likely to be with you than against you, IYSWIM

Clumsymum, my heart goes out to you reading this

I have a little boy who sounds very like your ds - I went cold when I read the first few "symptoms" on this list, especially the control battles/defiance bit. It's particularly cruel that someone saying what this idiot teacher has said just plays into your quite natural anxieties about your ds, who does sound exceptional, possibly gifted, and very hard work!

I hope this thread helps you to calm down and realise that this teacher has got it wrong. You know you have loved and nurtured your little boy - you know that. Don't let this undermine your instincts.

Am really boiling for you actually. My little boy causes me a great deal of anxiety and exasperation - he's highly strung, bright and bloody difficult - and I know the state I would be in if a "professional" had said something like this to me.

Have now read your later post

I hope you are feeling better. I think your little boy sounds fab (but I bet he's hard work!)

I had a similar load of crap talked by my ds's head teacher, the ed psych disagreed with her it was complete balls! (to put it politely).
read up on it and stand your ground, the ed psych said a lot of teachers do this with good intentions but it is sometimes wrong of them and it is a culture of looking for problems or as he put it 'using a hammer to crack a nut'

Thanks again everybody.

Greensleeves, I'm pleased to hear that someone else has a child like mine.

Yes DS is VERY hard work, but a very loving child, hugely rewarding, a sponge for knowledge and new experiences. But the power-struggles wear you out after a while, and it would be nice to do something now and again without having to explain every detail of why and how we're going to do it.

On the other hand, ds reads 'The Times' to me while I'm ironing, and I never have to worry about navigating in the car, just give him the map with the page numbers listed, and he'll give me the route as we go (I don't think many 7 year-olds can do that).

I am calmer today. Dh did a lot to settle me down over the weekend, and we went out for lunch yesterday, during which ds was very well behaved indeed, in fact we have had a lovely weekend all round.

I will not be ground down. ..............

Hi there, just to say (along with everyone else really)that this disorder takes a long time to diagnose. Whatever happens the teacher CAN NOT get away with spouting this kind of nonsense.

From the outset it would seem that she is in no way qualified to make this kind of judgement. The fact that she said this to you so flipantly only gives credence to that.

dont think the teacher handled it at all well. but you said yourself he ticked 3 of the boxes. it probably hasnt come directly from the teacher but maybe the person who had come into to see him earlier. however i agree she should not have mentioned it in a general chat about a star chart. not sure id want to be talking to the teacher about anything in the morning when shes rushing to get the class sorted i would ask to see her after school.

Actually mysonsmummy, it was teacher who asked to see me in the morning. I generally try to make sure it's after school time.

And yes, ds ticks 3 of the boxes for AD (out of a websites sipmlistic checklist of 15), but he ticks 9 out of 12 boxes on the Gifted child scale.

clumsymum, I'm SO sorry to hear this, you must be so upset.

Well done for coping with it...just wanted to add some support for you; don't forget there is nothing wrong with your ds; the school are obviously not up to dealing with him and it sounds like they aren't recognising his abilities. It makes me so mad - I know that to an extent all kids have to 'fit in' to the system but not to the extent that they are almost 'medicalised' for just being themselves!

Don't let them criticise him; keep putting the onus back on them as to how they are going to help him reach his potential.

This sounds exactly like what my SIL had to deal with. Her boy is 7 and is now in a new school. he is exceptionally bright and an absolute pickle. normal disruptive sort of stuff. anyhoo, they had years of trouble with his school, being dragged in by the teachers over his misdemeanors, star charts, you name it-he had it. they had him observed by numerous people and thinly accused db and dsil of all sorts. even my father, his grandfather was shouted at by a teacher one day over dn's behaviour. he is difficult, we dont deny that, but how they treated my brother and his wife as a family was appalling.

now i am a teacher myself and i got so damned sick of hearing about it all i got SIL to take him for a full assessment, privately at an ed psyche..... as the school were saying he was average with behavioural probs. psyche report comes back with he is completely normal, but exceptionally bright 99 centile across the board. and the school should go take a bloody hike. (well not exactly, but near enough).

the upshot of it all is we found, after months of careful research and visits, a very good private school for him and he started this september. they love him, he loves it and is doing really well- they think he might be scholarship potential

we are not rich, but we have clubbed together a bit as a family and my SIL has taken another part time job. it has been so worth it.

i dont know if this is the answer, but certainly your ds's teacher has behaved badly. very very unprofessional. and if they are not prepared to look into other reasons for his behaviour other than blaming you then they are not doing their jobs.

good luck and hugs