AAARRRRGGHHHH........My dd is ruling the house! She's only 2.9....and is telling me, her sister and her Dad what to do...help!!!

[barney2]

Went out today - she refused to walk and insisted on being carried. She refused to use a public loo (in Waitrose) so she wee'd in the crouched position by the side of the car in the car park. Went into a easy going family environment eating place - she refused to eat her lunch and start lobbing baked beans across the table, so I had to get up and leave.....nightmare. Took her home and she was absolutely fine. She's been good all evening and is now tucked up in bed fast asleep.

I never give her the attention she obviously wants when she's naughty so why on earth is she being such a little devil?

I do try to talk to her but because she is so young (she'll be 3 in February) there's only so much of what I say that she actually understands. She's quite a fidget and will go off, in mid conversation, and play.

As it happens today she's been fine. We spent the day with some friends and she played quite happily with the other children and equally on her own.

I think alot of the problem is me. I'm tired and a bit on the stressy side. If I feel like this I have little patience with children when they play up - sometimes all I crave is some peace and quiet, or just time for ME not 'Mum'. I don't have many people that can give me space - my DH works all hours, my Mum is on her own and lives a few miles away and can't drive etc, all my mates either work or have children of their own and I don't like to ask (although they've offered) so I just cope but sometimes I find it hard to cope. There's only so much screaming and crying my poor head can contend with especially if its time of the month or I've got a headache anyway!

Oh I'm like a moaning old woman, but I'm not, I'm only 38! It'll be the zimmer frame for me next....

Hi Barney 2
God you are me! Your last post so summed me up - I'm 39 but feel 89 at times! My DD is 3 and sounds just as bossy - won't put her clothes/shoes on, refuses to get in the buggy and wants to be carried, lots of answering back. I try to stay calm and refuse to rise to the bait and walk away and it really does work. (When you can talk to me nicely I will talk to you). One thing I do if she refuses to get dressed it put a selection of clothes out for her and then make a game of it - I'll hide in the other room and guess very loudly what top/skirt/trousers she is going to put on. ('You chose the flowery skirt and thought you'd put the red one on silly mummy' etc...)She seems to love this and it quickly diffuses the tantrum brewing. Both DH and I REFUSE to pick her up when she can sit in the buggy as she's getting so heavy - she'll scream and cry so we just walk ahead (keeping a sneaky eye on her) until she relents and demands to get in. Embarrasing yes but just keep saying to yourself when other people stare - they were children once and I bet their mums could tell you a few tales about THEIR tantrums....

I sometimes 'stare' at people whose toddlers are playing them up - but only because I find it amusing that it's not me any more! They usually avoid my gaze, but if not then I always say something sympathetic.
Yes - we've all been there - and it's a shame if people are judgemental when parents are trying to get young children to behave. I don't approve of the ones who let their children run riot without correcting them, though.

Hi Pack & Fortyplus. Thanks for your posts! Again, this morning, the little madam refused to get dressed and was kicking and yelling so I left her, sat on the sofa with her pj's on and said 'right, I'm off....' and went out the front door. She absolutely hated that and quickly came running to the door with her clothes. It worked and she got dressed but its not what I want to do every morning. Somehow she's got to learn she has to be told to do and not tell us what she'll do/not do etc.

She's not been too bad today - a little on the demanding side and quite hard to reason with but I've not had to tell her off, which is nice.

I'm ok.....until the next meal out in a public place, I guess!!

Hi Pack & Fortyplus. Thanks for your posts! Again, this morning, the little madam refused to get dressed and was kicking and yelling so I left her, sat on the sofa with her pj's on and said 'right, I'm off....' and went out the front door. She absolutely hated that and quickly came running to the door with her clothes. It worked and she got dressed but its not what I want to do every morning. Somehow she's got to learn she has to be told what to do and not tell us what she'll do/not do etc.

She's not been too bad today - a little on the demanding side and quite hard to reason with but I've not had to tell her off, which is nice.

I'm ok.....until the next meal out in a public place, I guess!!

Hi Pack & Fortyplus. Thanks for your posts! Again, this morning, the little madam refused to get dressed and was kicking and yelling so I left her, sat on the sofa with her pj's on and said 'right, I'm off....' and went out the front door. She absolutely hated that and quickly came running to the door with her clothes. It worked and she got dressed but its not what I want to do every morning. Somehow she's got to learn she has to be told what to do and not tell us what she'll do/not do etc.

She's not been too bad today - a little on the demanding side and quite hard to reason with but I've not had to tell her off, which is nice.

I'm ok.....until the next meal out in a public place, I guess!!

Hi Pack & Fortyplus. Thanks for your posts! Again, this morning, the little madam refused to get dressed and was kicking and yelling so I left her, sat on the sofa with her pj's on and said 'right, I'm off....' and went out the front door. She absolutely hated that and quickly came running to the door with her clothes. It worked and she got dressed but its not what I want to do every morning. Somehow she's got to learn she has to be told what to do and not tell us what she'll do/not do etc.

She's not been too bad today - a little on the demanding side and quite hard to reason with but I've not had to tell her off, which is nice.

I'm ok.....until the next meal out in a public place, I guess!!

Hi barney, i really do sympathise with you, i know how hard things can be.
So sorry to hear about your Dad passing away last year.
This is obviously a very stressful time for you.

And your little one isn't making it any easier for you!!!!

When my 3 year old has tantrums, i now ignore her.
I firstly tell her that when she can behave, we can be friends.

If she's crying for something, e.g. cbeebies (yet again!!!)
I'll tell her that when she's been quiet for a few minutes, she may get it.

Then i feel her tapping my arm and smiling, just to let me know that she's being good!!!

Kids of this age love making a game of everything.

As pack said with the getting dressed routine.

I tell her and her 5 year old sister that there's no way they can beat me at getting dressed.

Guess what? they win everytime!!!!!

Amazing what they can do!!!

Good luck. xx

Yup! A little child psychology wins every time! Mine are older, but several times over the years I've reminded them that they didn't get delivered with a handbook (bloody good job, actually, because it would be quite a heavyweight tome, wouldn't it?!)
No - they make mistakes - so do I - we have to LEARN how to make a good team and help each other. They like that.

I do agree with the child psychology that has been mentioned but even that, and having to keep one step ahead of the game is really wearing. We have dressing issues with 2yo DD as well. Largely related to what knickers she wears. If one of her 3 pairs of princess knickers is available all is fine (but she wears them day and night so that is 3 pairs in 36 hours so not always washed again) but otherwise she kicks off. But now I say - look where these lilac pants they are the same colour as your trousers and she will go for that. She also decided that she wanted to wear dungarees all the time despite only having two pairs, so I persuaded her that pinafore dresses were skirt dungarees. And on it goes....

Message withdrawn

Now I don't have a problem with knickers.....and nor does my dd!!! She'll wear whatever knickrs I pull out the drawer. She will wear whatever I pull out the drawer in the case of clothes but the problem I have is actually getting the clothes on her, especially on a morning when she's NOT going to playgroup. Playgroup mornings are fine - she runs upstairs to do her teeth and hair etc and is quite happy to get dressed. When its not playgroup she's a complete devil and as I've said before I've gone out the front door and pretended to leave just to get her dressed...mad!

She's been ok this morning (playgroup morning!) but demanded that she wear her wellies home just so she could jump in the puddles. I stood my ground and said no, you can wear your shoes that you have on your feet and she didn't like that so screamed and cried...and I ignored her, despite other mums at the pg looking at me with the 'oh dear, problem child' look on their faces. Do I care? Yes I do but sometimes I wish I could tell them all to go jump!

Meal times are another issue. I'll give her a nice meal that I've cooked and she'll say 'don't like that, yeuck' and push the plate to one side - it'll be something she's enjoyed before or it may be something new. So I give her time and say to her that unless she eats atleast some of what I've cooked she has no pudding....if that doesn't work so she'll go to bed hungry. Although I may relent and offer her a piece of fruit. Needless to say the dog does very well...!

Barney, you might give yourself an easier time if you don't fight her so much. Why cd she not wear wellies?

If you try to resist her too much, just to get her do what you say, you might find the fights between you getting worse as she gets older.

Most normal parents are not thinking 'what a terrible child' but 'thank god other children behave just like mine'!

If you get fed up and confront every time you're going to make yourself miserable and your dd will pick up on that .

She's getting older and it's time to let her make decisions and have some more control over what she does.

Sending you all my sympathies barney2, I also
have a dd, 2.6 & she sounds just like your LO.

She doesn't go to playschool, i'm a fulltime mum.
She has lots of (positive) attention, praise & enough love from me , her dad & Nana it's ridiculous. But these past 2/3 months she's become a different little girl.

She's still loving & gentle, but my God does she whinge, & tells me No constanly. Also dislikes getting dressed & will refuse her most very favourite food if the mood takes her.

What do you do? Generally I take it all with a but I do admit to the odd breakdown when it all gets just too much!!!

barney2, dont want to hi-jack your thread, but have we spoken before? In relation to your Dad? I'm positive we have, if so I hope that you are ok & life is treating you kindly.

fondant4000 - in answer to why didn't I let dd wear her wellies is simple...because I didn't have them on me at the time! I was picking her up from pg and had taken the car - the wellies were sat outside the front door at home!

Hi Adorabelle - yes its me! Yes we have spoken before about me losing my Dad - he's been gone just over a year now. I'm ok. Getting by...

My dd has got a bit easier this last few days - only because I've been a bit more chilled out.

As far as fondant4000 asking why don't I let her make her own decisions etc etc - I would if she were older. She isn't 3 yet (Feb) and should I let her make her own decisions at her age now god help me when she's older. I don't 'fight' her - I would never dream of doing that. I may just not agree with everything she wants to do. If I were to let her make her own decisions etc - I would still be sat here at midday waiting for her to get dressed, eat breakfast etc. After all this was the reason why I started this thread in the first place - because I will not allow a child rule me and my decisions!

As far as I am concerned, considering she is only 2.9, she has more than enough control over what she does. I do not stand behind with a wooden spoon but she must learn who is in control and it most certainly is not her! I do let her do what she wants to do and do allow her a certain amount of freedom but I'm sorry to disagree with you fondant4000 I do not feel now is the right time to let her make her own decisions and start telling me what to do. No way!!!

Anyone else agree/disagree with me? I'd be interested to know!!

barney2 - I have to say I read this whole thread with a big grin on my face "Thank God I'm not alone!!!" My ds2 is 3 in feb as well, some days he wakes up and he is a little angel from heaven and other days OMG......he has a complete personality change. This morning for example, I knew it was going to one of those days. He has whinged from the momnet he opned his eyes. We had a major incident because he wanted to wear his sister's nannpy. She was wriggling and crying on my lap becasue she just loves nappy changes and he was was screaching and trying to pull the nappy off me. Ahhhhhhhhh.

I asked him if he could help mummy and put the dirty nappy in the bin, he normally loves helping mummy, but oh no not today, nappy lobbed across room, which ended in me screaming like a fishwife dd screaming louder and ds2 running around like a weapon of mass destruction.

Some days it's easier to cope and some days, you wonder where you wnet wrong

BTW I've found for the getting dressed problem, we play the "I bet ds2 can't put his pants on by himself, I'll just close my eyes and see what happens. Oh my goodness he's put his pants on while I had my eyes closed!!" It takes ages to get dressed but it's worth it for no tears.

Hi redtartanlass. I've found that alot of the replies to my initial thread are from people who are in the same boat as me. I have good days/bad days. Today started a bad day - dd refusing to get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, teeth, hair, wee etc etc - she went to pg dressed, teeth done but hair not seen a brush, stomach not seen food and me seeing lots of fireworks!! Fortunately my dh took her to pg whilst I sat at home with a poorly post-op dog so I manage to escape any further tantrums on route to pg - but he tells me she was fine and marched into pg without a care in the world.

One area I do worry about though is my elder dd - she's coming up for 8 and quite often I'll find her sat with her hands covering her ears whilst her sister is throwing a wobbly and I do feel sorry for her so I do what I'm probably not supposed to do and take the elder one to one side and have five minutes one to one with her - whether it be her helping me in the kitchen and me praising her for helping or giving her some responsible to do like lay the table or simply folding up washing - she's a child that likes to help and it means she gets some mummy time. However this occasionally fuels the younger one's tantrum because she's not getting one to one - I can't win but I do feel guilty that the elder one is having to put up with the screaming, crying, stomping, door slamming, occasional thumping, pinching etc treatment from her sibling.

Redtartanlass - what did you think of fondants advice?

Hi redtartanlass. I've found that alot of the replies to my initial thread are from people who are in the same boat as me. I have good days/bad days. Today started a bad day - dd refusing to get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, teeth, hair, wee etc etc - she went to pg dressed, teeth done but hair not seen a brush, stomach not seen food and me seeing lots of fireworks!! Fortunately my dh took her to pg whilst I sat at home with a poorly post-op dog so I manage to escape any further tantrums on route to pg - but he tells me she was fine and marched into pg without a care in the world.

One area I do worry about though is my elder dd - she's coming up for 8 and quite often I'll find her sat with her hands covering her ears whilst her sister is throwing a wobbly and I do feel sorry for her so I do what I'm probably not supposed to do and take the elder one to one side and have five minutes one to one with her - whether it be her helping me in the kitchen and me praising her for helping or giving her some responsible to do like lay the table or simply folding up washing - she's a child that likes to help and it means she gets some mummy time. However this occasionally fuels the younger one's tantrum because she's not getting one to one - I can't win but I do feel guilty that the elder one is having to put up with the screaming, crying, stomping, door slamming, occasional thumping, pinching etc treatment from her sibling.

Redtartanlass - what did you think of fondants advice?

Hi redtartanlass. I've found that alot of the replies to my initial thread are from people who are in the same boat as me. I have good days/bad days. Today started a bad day - dd refusing to get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, teeth, hair, wee etc etc - she went to pg dressed, teeth done but hair not seen a brush, stomach not seen food and me seeing lots of fireworks!! Fortunately my dh took her to pg whilst I sat at home with a poorly post-op dog so I manage to escape any further tantrums on route to pg - but he tells me she was fine and marched into pg without a care in the world.

One area I do worry about though is my elder dd - she's coming up for 8 and quite often I'll find her sat with her hands covering her ears whilst her sister is throwing a wobbly and I do feel sorry for her so I do what I'm probably not supposed to do and take the elder one to one side and have five minutes one to one with her - whether it be her helping me in the kitchen and me praising her for helping or giving her some responsible to do like lay the table or simply folding up washing - she's a child that likes to help and it means she gets some mummy time. However this occasionally fuels the younger one's tantrum because she's not getting one to one - I can't win but I do feel guilty that the elder one is having to put up with the screaming, crying, stomping, door slamming, occasional thumping, pinching etc treatment from her sibling.

Redtartanlass - what did you think of fondants advice?

Hi Barney, sorry if my post sounded a bit in your face - it doesn't always come out how you hear it in your head!

It's not that I think you're doing anything wrong, you sound like a v. reasonable mum. It's just that if you see her resistance as an 'attack' on your control I believe you are going to end up with more tantrums, not less. She is not defying you, just does not want to be told what to do and digs her heels in even more.

Of course you need to do things at a certain time, but to get what you want you might have to make more of a game or allow her decisions within those parameters.

You might think "I don't have time to turn everything into a game, or wait for her to decide", but I truly believe that it will take longer and longer if you try and insist on her doing it because you've asked her to.

I've found dd is now getting quicker if I leave her to do stuff more (with the occasional countdown) than if I try and make her do it. E.g. without me she'll get ready for bed in 10 minutes (if I remind her the quicker she is the more stories she will get) but if I try and tell her 'have a wee' 'clean your teeth' it takes bloomin' forever!

I know other people feel that children should just learn to do what you tell them to do without a fuss, personally I find it too stressful for the whole family to try that In the end, you have to decide what's best for you.

Hi Barney, sorry if my post sounded a bit in your face - it doesn't always come out how you hear it in your head!

It's not that I think you're doing anything wrong, you sound like a v. reasonable mum. It's just that if you see her resistance as an 'attack' on your control I believe you are going to end up with more tantrums, not less. She is not defying you, just does not want to be told what to do and digs her heels in even more.

Of course you need to do things at a certain time, but to get what you want you might have to make more of a game or allow her decisions within those parameters.

You might think "I don't have time to turn everything into a game, or wait for her to decide", but I truly believe that it will take longer and longer if you try and insist on her doing it because you've asked her to.

I've found dd is now getting quicker if I leave her to do stuff more (with the occasional countdown) than if I try and make her do it. E.g. without me she'll get ready for bed in 10 minutes (if I remind her the quicker she is the more stories she will get) but if I try and tell her 'have a wee' 'clean your teeth' it takes bloomin' forever!

I know other people feel that children should just learn to do what you tell them to do without a fuss, personally I find it too stressful for the whole family to try that In the end, you have to decide what's best for you.

I've got to say that Fodant hit the nail on the head when she said ...Most normal parents are not thinking 'what a terrible child' but 'thank god other children behave just like mine'!

Or more likely "Thank God it's not me today!!"

However I think the most frustating thing is that one day a method works (distraction, bribery etc) and that method has absolutely no effect the next day!