High needs babies - does anyone know when it gets easier?

[Chickz]

Hello. My dd is one years old and has been high needs from birth. She cries and cries and cries. She had a bit of reflux and colic when she was little but the Drs and hv conclude that there's actually nothing wrong with her. She is just high needs and has a difficult temperament. Anything sets her off, new environment, visitors, frustration at not being able to walk, dislikes nappy and clothing changes. She has cried and whinged almost all of her waking hours. Her sleep is ok but she gets up at 5am so that is also breaking me.
DH and I have been through hell this past year. And we are wondering when it's going to end. We have been so so patient and keep trying to be positive but I'm not sure how much more we can deal with. We give all the time and love in the world but nothing is ever enough to stop her crying. I've even tried food elimination diets to see if its anything to do with what she's eating but after a month of cutting out all of the top allergens, there was no difference.
It seems so unfair that others have such easy babies. We are generally confined to the house most of the time but sometimes do risk a baby group, going for lunch or visitor outing but its so hard dealing with a whingey crying baby when out and about.
I literally have tried everything. Baby massage, a strict routine, you name it.
But nothing works as its her temperament that is the issue.
I'm drained, losing the will to live.
I have family that come round once a week to help so that's something. But other than that I just pray and hope and pray that things will get better. Maybe when she's walking? I don't know.

Anyone had any similar experiences? Can you offer me some hope?

Ds was a high-needs baby, like you describe (except she would also scream constantly and inconsolably if left with anyone except me - even with her dad - til she was nearly 2). She is still quite anxious and highly strung at 3, and has spectacular meltdowns when tired/hungry/out of her comfort zone. But she is also affectionate, imaginative, sweet-natured, and has just started preschool happily.
Now, looking back with a bit of distance, I'm proud of myself for getting through it and for the bond we have. I understand dd and how she thinks, and the things we ended up doing to cope (carrying her in a sling, cosleeping for a while, throwing all expectations of routine out of the window) were actually lovely and I really wouldn't have tried them had ds (a very content and charming 9mo) come first. So he's benefitted too.
The only thing that got me through it was getting out of the house as much as possible, and trying not to be bothered by the public crying. life looks very bleak when you're sitting in a filthy tip of a house with a baby who won't sleep, won't play, and has been whingeing at you for the last 7 hours....
Once they get a bit older (walking) you can do much more interesting things, and it gets easier to entertain them. I have lovely memories of hill-walking alone with dd in the sling (at about 18 months), stopping in a cafe for cake on the way down, it could have gone badly but we both loved it - try to treat every new experience as an experiment and be brave.
I do remember the few weeks before crawling and then before walking as being particularly hellish. Hang in there!

I think unfortunately if they start off with a bit of disconfirt say allergy/reflux/colic which causes them to cry a lot when newborn they are a bit programed to be sensitive and want constant holding.
Walking is better for reflux as they are upright. Also DD was a nightmare teether, even down to vomiting with a couple, because i think she was swallowing all the saliva.

She was an early talker 5m mama and dada and at least 6m ahead by 18m. Hardly surprising as she probably had 'lived ' the extra 6m by then compared to most others.
But i do prefer the toddler tantrums. She has always been the naughty 1 into everything. Its better than always wondering whats wrong as its clear what it is.

Hi OP, my DS was like this. months 10-12 were particularly hard. Things got easier when:

• he started walking at 12mo

• I went back to work 4 days per week at 12mo (seriously: i bloody love being at work! I sit at my quiet desk and eat a Pret breakfast. So happy I could weep!). He goes to a lovely nursery and is very happy/thriving there. Just knowing that it's ME that has to deal with him 24/7 was an enormous relief. Could you go back to work at least a couple of days per week? People dont say it in RL very often but if you have a high needs baby like this, struggling on at home and runing yourself into the ground is probably not the best option for anyone
• I went on ADs when he was 15mo. I had been diagnosed with PND earlier but resisted drugs for a long time. Dont know why - had some (incorrect) preconceptions about them i guess. I am now on 20mg of citalopram per day and I feel bloody great. It's like I just dont feel that same anxious panicky feeling when DS is crying a lot.
• He started talking at 18mo. This was the real breakthrough. It was like a personality transplant.
• he is now 22mo and life is SO much better than when he was a baby. Although he is still very full on, it's easier than as a little baby. There are things he LIKES DOING now (going to park, climbing up steps and going don slide, kicking a football, colouring, playdoh) so he can actually be entertained whereas I think he hated being a helpless baby.

In summary: hang in there. Go back to work if you can. Or if you can afford even 1 day per week with a CM or nursery (regardless of whether or not you're working) GO FOR IT. spend the day in bed. Read a book. do some cleaning. Whatever you fancy. you are ALLOWED to be someone other than MUM.

*meant to say just knowing it's NOT me

I don't know if this has been mentioned but have you completely taken out all traces of dairy and soya from both of yours diet? Have you been strict about it?

Sometimes the reaction is not always a visible - it can be just a tummy ache for example.

DS1 was like this... so we decided to go for Baby number 2 as it was impossible to get so unlucky another time round. Bingo! DS2 was the calmest baby ever....
DS1 "temper"improved gradually after he turned 3... the terrible twos (which started around 18 months) were absolutly terrible!!!! Now he sometimes need to be reminded to be "agreeable" ... and if i hear one more whinge that is a star on your chart gone! (he is 6 now and has two little brothers who are not high needs and who dont whinge all day).

Can you afford a day in nursery a week?

My first was high needs and nursery was a life saver. She was fine there, lots to see and do. There were days both of us were waiting for them to unlock the door at 8am, having been up since 5..

I would also suggest getting out as much as possible. Not baby groups, but out for walks, just to cafe for snack time, to the park, soft play...nothing too structured.

Baby gymnastics sorted mine out too- under 3's just get an hour of free play on the equipment. By the time she was 3 she was used to it and actually followed instructions. With the added benefit of wearing her out.

Swimming too..

I really feel for you. DD was like this for a lot of her first year. Very very clingy, whiny and just difficult! Things have vastly improved now at fifteen months. I think she turned a corner at about twelve months. Part of it was definitely her starting to walk. So there is light ahead I promise! It sounds like you've already tried lots of things. The one of the things that really helped me was meeting people with similar babies or at least people who did things like co sleeping, slinging etc. I know it's so hard to get out but the more you do, the more chance you'll meet people in similar situations to you!

DS was like that for his first year, he cried the whole year it seemed. DD was the perfect baby so he was a shocker.

Once he could walk he got better. Then talking and it got a little easier. He didn't sleep through the night until he was three.

At five he is sensitive and so so stubborn but fiercely bright and interested in everything. He has a terrific memory and learning things comes so easily to him. He is also hugely affectionate and loving, empathetic and just absolutely delicious.

We just assume he hated being a baby.

Thank you all. Its so lovely to read these posts as it really helps and reassures me that im not alone. Does anyone know how best to react to the crying and whinging. She's only 1 years old but when her basic needs are met and when I think she's crying for some other reason is it best to ignore or to go over and pick up?
In the past I've always picked up but now I think this causes her to cry more as she knows I'm going to go running.
I'm wondering whether I should ignore the crying e.g look away and don't speak to her but keep her physically close to me like for example sit down on the floor next to her.
Anyone know whats best?
I've started to notice small improvements in her behaviour in the past couple of weeks, nothing spectacular but just small things like sometimes being able to put her on the floor without a screaming fit. Progress!

Chicz hmm that is a tricky one. I think for me it depends a lot on what sort of crying it is. If it's blatantly wanting something she can't have I'll probably just try to distract her. It it's tired whinging I'll the same! If she's properly crying I always comfort her. However I am constantly wondering how best to tackle things. The Aha Parenting website has fantastic articles on things like this (but I always forget what I've read!). I think I tend to go down the more responsive route while not giving in to her every whim!

Dd1 was a high needs baby. In the end, I realised her cuddle tank was huge and her resilience to noise / light / stimulation was tiny. So she needed tons of sling time and much, much less stimulation than other babies. Once she could move, she made it much clearer - 5 minutes of play group was more than enough, the rest of the morning needed to be on my knee, with her head buried in my chest. She's now at school - very well behaved, bright but still a complete drama llama at times!

I'd used to walk miles with her in the sling, it basically ensured she slept if she needed it, and if she didn't sleep she was happy because she could choose whether to look around or block out the world. I'd really recommend the Sears books, and also to google your local sling library and find something really comfy for both of you

Hmmm I don't see it as giving in- by going to cuddle/ comfort your crying baby. I see it as they need you to help them deal with stuff. One is still a baby really.
Mine is 18mo now and I finally feel like my investment of time and energy is paying off! She can talk loads and walk well, so she can tell me what she wants.
90% of her waking time is spent colouring in now!

It honestly will get better, hang in there. If baby cries they need something. Think if you were crying, would you want to be ignored? Nope I wouldn't. I think it's easy to push around babies but if you look at it differently they are just so limited in being able to tell you stuff.

Keeeeep cuddling

I don't immediately cuddle and pick up, I try and see why they are crying, so if he trips over which is a million times a day I judge what type of trip it was, if it was just a little one and he didn't hurt himself I ignore and he is actually quite good at not making a fuss. But if he wants to be picked up and I'm serving up his hot dinner and he is screaming at me, I ignore. And just think in my head (I'm not having any more! )
Distraction works well so point at something, do something silly, singing, etc as I don't want him clung on me like a limpet, I'm all for cuddles when they are feeling cuddly and loving, or if they are hurt/tired. But not 'I'm in a screeching mood and want to be in your face'. It drives me mad.

Some mums are just very very patient and screeching/whining/screaming doesn't bother them as much, (I envy them) I have friends who barely batter an eyelid at their little one screeching for something silly, you sound like me and have less patience. But doesn't make you any less of a mum, I call my friends 'earth mums' because screeching doesn't bother them and then they have 2/3/4 kids!

I agree with you Googley, really well put. Actually I think I explained myself incorrectly. I do always respond to her when she's upset, and don't see it as giving in, but think I am just slightly less speedy in going over to her if she's for eg just whining as she can't reach something now she's a bit older. But definitely if she's upset I always cuddle.

Hi How did you LO turn out?
I have a DS who's nearly 7 mos and he's exactly like you described. Need some encouragement that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Omg by just absolute chance I’ve logged into mumsnet to see my post of all those years ago!!!!

Re reading those posts of mine bought back all those memories of how tough it was. I can’t believe I wrote all that and it all came flooding back.

Looking back, I’m 100% clear my daughters behaviour was not related to any medical issue or food intolerance.

It’s just that she was a high needs difficult baby. A kind of temperament that I had never come across before and that I didn’t know could exist. I simply thought that if all basic their needs were met, they would be content.

How wrong I was! After almost 2 years of crying, whinging, moaning and fussing, we began to see the light at the end the tunnel. Yes you read correct - 2 years!!!!

I have no idea how I coped and how I got through it but I did.

She’s now almost 8 years old. And she is amazing. Kind, affectionate, caring and the most beautiful little human. Incredibly shy, and still has moments when she has a meltdown and cries like you wouldn’t believe but those times are few and far between. She’s incredibly talented. I mean I know all parents think that of their children but her artwork is out of this world. She loves to swim and play the piano, and she is currently in bed reading a book. If someone looked into the future and told me that she would be like this as a 7 year old I wouldn’t have ever believed it.

It was when she was 22 months old when things improved. We were at a wedding one day and I was dreading it. Wondering how on earth I was going to keep her quiet and prevent a meltdown. And she so surprised me that day! Just the odd wobble but we got through it. The following weekend we met up for lunch with friends. Again I was fearful of the day but she sat there and just ate her lunch. I.could.not.believe.it.

We got through the dark times, but I still do feel upset that we never got to enjoy the precious baby stage and it was just survival and longing the days and months away to when she would just stop the crying.

Still can’t believe I logged into mumsnet which I rarely do these days and found pichigoo commenting on my post from all those years ago!

Pichigoo, hang in there! I hope for you things improve sooner than my 22 months. But in all honestly I would go through all that again to have the most beautiful, amazing, incredible girl that I have today. In all honesty at the time I thought she’d have grown up to be a bully or an axe murderer but some of these little humans are just born this way and I can reassure you that it absolutely nothing that you are doing or have done wrong!!! It’s just who they are and I can 100% reassure you that they will grow up to be the total opposite in personality !!!

Persevere with a sling. With my second born, I did. He was much easier and when he was grizzly and crying, the sling would calm him down almost all of the time.

I feel for you. It is so hard having a difficult baby. Especially in times like these. Please do message or leave another post if you have any questions and I would absolutely love to help or share more of my experiences.

Take care

@chickz Ahhh it's such a relief to see a positive outcome like yours! So thank you for replying after all these years. DS is nearly 11 months and my god I just want the ground to swallow me up sometimes!!! Pretty much the same as your DD and teething seems to be absolutely agony for him. I'm glad I saw your post because I was seriously losing the will.

@Chickz your recent comment was so lovely to read. I am sat here at 6am having spent the last 3 hours trying to get my 2 month old daughter back to sleep in her crib. Most nights I'm lucky to get 2 hours sleep as she only wants to be on me, so I have to wait until she is in a deep enough sleep to be moved to her crib, which works about 1 in 10 attempts. And then she will stay asleep maximum 2 hours, usually more like 10 minutes. As well as being difficult and high maintenance throughout the day, refusing to nap, meltdowns, fussiness, only wanting to be held and rocked for large chunks of the day, it's nigh on impossible to get her to sleep in a crib so the nights are long and demoralising. I spend a lot of hours each day trawling the Internet for guidance on what I'm doing so very wrong to be having so much trouble with her, and tonight I discovered the description "high needs"! This all sounds very familiar and it's such a relief to know some babies are just like this! Previously I thought maybe she had colic, leaps, growth spurts, growing pains, intolerance to the E numbers in her infacol... Who knows. All the advice from other people who have no idea what it's like to try everything and get nowhere - "have you tried Ewan the sheep?" Arghhh as if I'm such a rubbish mum that after all these nights all I needed was a bloody sheep to put her to sleep!!
@Theywereonabreak how is your LO getting on?

@MotherofprettyAlys that sounds really tough! I really feel for you. The thing I wish I persevered with was a sling. It won’t help during the night time but during the day it just might cut out some of the grizzliness. It’s hard but I promise you it will get better! You sound like an amazing mum

Thank you so much for creating this post. I've been doing with my high need bsby for the 15 months that she has been born. This is by far the most darkest moment of my life. You coming to update gives me hope and a new sense of peace. I'm in the U.S and I'm grateful to you for this post and update. God bless you and your family.

@chickz Thank you so much for creating this post. I've been dealing with my high need baby for the 15 months that she has been born. This is by far the most darkest moment of my life. You coming to update gives me hope and a new sense of peace. I'm in the U.S and I'm grateful to you for this post and update. God bless you and your family.