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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help my dd has 'come out' that is great new but worried now as a parent .....

40 replies

minipoppet · 03/04/2014 06:22

My dd2 has been a tomboy from the age of 3 plays football etc,I love all of it she's different and I have embraced her every step of the way,I originally thought that she may have a gender identity issues because her wish to be one of the boys was so strong but at the last valentines party it became evident that she thought that if she looked like a boy then this would in turn make girls attracted to her,she said this with a gentle nudge from me,I said do you want a girlfriend or a boyfriend ? To which she replied 'I don't know really a girl I suppose but that's called gay isn't it.'a huge relief swept over me ,she want going to ask for thousand of pounds for a sex change op but did want a girlfriend....great that's easy.(a lot of children at school seem to at least be able to give a name of a boyfriend/ girlfriend) there is no more depth to it than that, the odd daring ones will plant a kiss on a cheek and run off....god why the importance to have a partner I will never know,I blame TV!!!!

Well as it turns out it is not easy at all and I should have remembered this my cousin is gay and lived in the countryside,unfortunately there are quite a lot of blinkered views on this still,my worry is not at all about her sexuality but how to protect her ,she has shown a great interest lately in a particular girl and is almost persuing it,writing her love letters asking her out etc,I have tried to explain to dd that this girl likes boys but she really does think she can 'turn' this girl the other way,who knows maybe she can!!!! But my worry is that I feel I should explain to this girls parent but this will make them run a mile, this then will be the beginning of the dreaded 'being treated differently' its so sad,dd is such a lovely girl.i am not sure when it become OK to tell people she is only 8 and our villagers are some what shallow ( sorry I love you all )I am trying to encourage dd not to try anything physical too,I don't think she would as she is shy,she is trying the verbal route ATM.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Kewcumber · 03/04/2014 11:43

I also think that her whole environment sounds far too sexually charged.

This ^

I do not recognise your description of a year 3 child at all. And we live in a fairly sophisticated part of London.

shakinstevenslovechild · 03/04/2014 11:45

I didn't mean to sound as if I was criticising at all, sorry if I did

My dd and I discussed when she felt ready to tell her friends that she currently identifies as being gay and I did let their parents know beforehand as she is so young and I wasn't aware of what the parents had told their children.

They were all absolutely fine about it.

It is so difficult to get things 'right' and, believe me, I really struggled when dd came to me with her feelings, but I found some amazing support on here, and through the school, and she is a much happier, more confident little girl than she was a few months ago.

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 11:48

You are over-thinking and over-sexualizing. You need to stop this. I find your posts disturbing.

All children are uncomfortable getting changed with their peers, regardless of gender. It is embarrassing, gay or not.

Dont give her ideas that she is gay because she is uncomfortable getting changed with her classmates, being gay is not the reason!

It is normal to be timid and shy and uncomfortable.

I remember the horrors of getting changed for PE when I was a child, and I am not gay!

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 11:50

I just read the bottom of your last post.

It is normal these days for school children to call eachother lesbians and gay. It happens all the time.

My son, also 8, came home and told me "Mum, Peter is SOOO gay, you know he was twerking in the toilet"

They dont really associate eacothers as gays and lesbians. It is just something they say.

I remember when I was in primary, me and my best friend were accused of being gay because we always hung out.

alita7 · 03/04/2014 11:51

actually I don't think It's unusual for her to have girl/ boy thoughts at 8 she may be be just starting to get hormonal for all we know... at 8 I had a massive crush on David Beckham and a boy in year 6. so whether it's boys or girls I don't think it's unusual for these thoughts to be had this young.
its good that she feels she can talk to her mum about it... my friends 6 year old had a little girly crush on her mums boyfriend at first, she'd blush and giggle when he talked to her and tell us he was beautiful and had a little pic of him. as long as her mum makes sure she doesn't feel committed to anything at this stage and knows she can change her mind .

With the situation with the other girl I would tell her that if the other girl doesn't like girls then she shouldn't try and change her as everyone has the right to like boys or girls if they do and it would be unfair to pester her, but that she should be a good friend to her, not mention it and maybe one day If it's meant to be the girl with 'change' by herself.

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 11:52

Hey,
I have just finished my lunch and will start get paperwork together. Should we say closer to 13.30?

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 11:52

Jayzus! That was meant to go as a reply in an email.

BeverleyMoss · 03/04/2014 11:55

Hey Quint 1.30 is fine for me, where are you taking us for lunch?

MerryMarigold · 03/04/2014 11:57

I think right now, whether it will last or not, whether she is really gay or not, is not the point. I also think it doesn't necessarily mean she won't want a sex change when she's older - all that is far into the future. You don't need to breathe a sigh of relief yet!

You need to protect your dd. A huge part of this is:
a) Not encouraging the idea of 'partners'/ boy or girlfriends, but friendships with both sexes (as far as possible)
b) Not telling everyone in the village that she is gay!
c) Discouraging her from pursuing this girl. If a girl was pursuing my ds1 like that (he is 8), I would be furious!

Let her develop in own her way and let her friends do that too. Also let her 'come out' when she is ready to handle it. I don't think 8 years old is old enough to handle it. You don't get 8 year olds walking around saying they are heterosexual!

Viviennemary · 03/04/2014 12:04

It is absolutely inappropriate never mind illegal for a child of this age to be thinking about sexual activity with another child. This is true whatever their sexual orientation turns out to be. This is the approach you must take. IMHO.

daykin · 03/04/2014 12:29

My 8 yr old got a lot of shit from a boy in her class who 'fancies' her. His mum telling me that her son is straight would've been of no comfort. She just wanted her boundaries respected.

I'm bisexual. I have never had a problem changing in front of other women at all. It's possibly a transgender issue but not a lesbian one. It is quite normal for children to suddenly become shy about communal changing though. Gay women don't usually want to use men's toilets and changing facilities.
I have had conversations around preferring girls/boys with my dcs at 8 and younger but I can see why it doesn't come up with straight parents, similar to white parents not talking about race.

mummytime · 03/04/2014 12:34

We've talked with my young children about adults we know who are gay etc. But not about them as children "fancying" people, because it is too young to be appropriate.

blueberryupsidedown · 03/04/2014 13:30

I also think that you are oversexualising this issue way too much, and that worries me. an 8 year old should not be thinking so much about relationship. Where does that come from? They can of course have special friends, which they may call 'boyfriend' 'girlfriend' but it's playground stuff, nothing to do with actual relationship.

Having said that, I also think it's important for chidren to know what it means to be gay, that it's OK to fall in love with another boy (I have two sons), and to never ever call someone or say that something is 'gay'. They hear the word at such a young age, and have friends with gay/lesbian parents.

I also agree that there's a fine line here - you can support your DD whatever sexual orientation she is, but there's a part of me that would strongly encourage her to stay true to herself, not to 'come out' as lesbian. It's a very strange thing to say about such a young child.

Original poster

minipoppet · 03/04/2014 14:32

yes changing thread thank you for those of you who wish to give positive criticism,this isn't the right one ATM for me, and well done to mummy time,i am sure your children are very well rounded and educated.

OP posts:

Quinteszilla · 03/04/2014 15:46

How on earth did you actually get the idea that your 8 year old child is ready, and looking for, a relationship, sexual or not?

She is a child, children think in terms of friends, friendships, and they recognize that this girl is pretty, and that boy is cute, they are not into relationships in the adult sense!

You should not be sexualizing her. The very idea that you should tell the village and your neighbourhood that your 8 year old child is gay (or heterosexual for that matter) is preposterous!

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