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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is 6mths too early to know right from wrong?

60 replies

Chloe55 · 18/08/2006 09:12

The reason I ask is because my 6mth old is very into hair grabbing, which if he does it to me then I can just untangle my hair from his fingers and that's that but he tries to grab the dog's hair at every opportunity. My dog is very placid and looks at me as much as to say get him off......please. I never leave them unattended and need ds to get used to having the dog around and behaving in the correct manner with him.

So, I have been allowing ds to be near the dog, supervised by me and when he grabs his hair I get down to his level and firmly say no. I did this yesterday and he cried so I actually thought ah, good, he know's that he will get a not good reaction from me for hair pulling.

I was telling dh about my disciplining last night and although he is leaving it up to me as I am with ds all day he said he was far too young to understand why I was being mean to him Am I right to tell him NO at this age or should I just let it go for a little while longer?

OP posts:

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Nemo1977 · 18/08/2006 09:43

I have a 8mth old who I do say no too as she scratches. I dont shout etc but I just say H no no thats naughty. Obviously she doesnt really care and will laugh at me half the time but it makes me feel a little better..lol Now ds is 2.10yrs and getting him to understand no is easy but making him actually do what you want is another story.

Original poster

Chloe55 · 18/08/2006 09:44

I know you're not HM.

We, on the other hand have a bloody house full of pets (I'm a vet nurse) so ds will need to learn fairly sharpish that attacking them will not be the way to go about things .

Thanks though everyone for your words of wisdom as always. I won't be so harsh in future, I def won't use the word no and carry on as we have been doing when he pulls my hair - so more of an 'ouch! that hurts' type of attitude.

OP posts:

Thomcat · 18/08/2006 09:47

My 8 month old pulls my hair all the time, grabs the cat's fur and pulls her sisters hair. Would never dream of telling her no. When she pulls her sisters hair I say to DD1, 'ohhh no, what's she doing, whoops' and just gently remove her hands from DD1's hair. I keep my haior tied back and try to not let her within too close a proximity of the cat.
You can't discipline a 6 month old, he's not doing anything wrong.

hunkermunker · 18/08/2006 09:47

See, I don't often say no, and I never say naughty, but I'm a (semi)lentil-weaving navel-gazing hippy, so please don't take my word for it that this is a good course of action

Original poster

Chloe55 · 18/08/2006 09:49

OP posts:

CatBert · 18/08/2006 09:51

Not discipline - but behaviour changing is fine. They do really like the happier version of mummy, so to (as I think was mentioned further down) take his hand and say "Aaaaah gentle stroking instead - we like that" will work for wither you or the dog and it is quite amazing how quickly they can change behaviour patterns...

But at 6m - grabbing is something he's doing because he's learnt how to do it... See it as a positive milestone...

fluffymum · 18/08/2006 09:58

I think that hair pulling is an amazing, but very painful, survival reflex...the grip is soo tight isn't it. I think it is from when days began babies had to hold on to mummys hair when breast feeding like you see with primates? It is a natural instict? Difficult to discipline then...on the other hand, my 10 month old snatches my glasses off my face and that really does get me. I do say "no don't do that" but I use "motherease" tone in my voice. I am not a perfect mum by any means and I guess the best thing to do at this age is distraction, but I find it hard to remember the right way in the heat of the moment.

Original poster

Chloe55 · 18/08/2006 10:00

Hmmm I know fluffymum - I seriously think my hair has thinned by 50% in the past month or so

OP posts:

Gobbledigook · 18/08/2006 10:00

Hmmm, only read OP, but I think 6 months way too young.

suzywong · 18/08/2006 10:01

they grab hair so they don't fall from the tree top if mum makes a dodgy leap - we come from apes so of course this reflex is there, be grateful your child has survivalist genes. While the dog, as he doesn't know enough to get up out of the way, does not.

Pixiefish · 18/08/2006 10:19

When dd was younger and pulling hair I used to hold her hand gently and use it to stroke whatever it was she was pulling instead IYSWIM. Then I'd just say how nice that was. She did stop pulling the dog's hair through using this method but I'd never have said no to her at that age

Wordsmith · 18/08/2006 10:23

You ask if they know right from wrong - no I don't think they do at 6mo but perhaps they are beginning to understand cause and effect. I don't think you could react the same way with a 6mo as you could with a 2yr old, but saying "oh poor doggy" or something similar may start to make an impression on her.

kitbit · 19/08/2006 07:10

It's way to early for knowing right from wrong but not to early to guide them towards the "right"!! ds used to pat my face at that age and it got a bit boistrous and turned into slapping, so I used to catch his hand and gently stroke my face with it saying "geeentle, geeentle" and when he saw me smiling he got the idea and did gentle patting or stroking instead. When they get a bit older they start pushing it a bit to see where the "acceptable" stuff crosses over into "non acceptable" and although you might need to be a bit firmer, it's still really about guidance, it's just how you do it that changes!

kittywits · 19/08/2006 07:47

FAR FAR too early, he's just a little baby!!!! Keep him away from the dog until he's older and actually able to start physically contolling himself which won't be for a good while yet.
How can you expect a baby who is only just getting some degree of control of their own limbs to not pull hair????!!!!!!

edam · 19/08/2006 07:58

Of course he's too little to understand abstract concepts like right or wrong! Kittywits is right, you are expecting far, far too much from him. Bizarre.

Just keep him out of grabbing distance of the dog. And if he does grab (because no-one's perfect so it probably will still happen occasionally) just remove his hand. Say no or indicate it's not desirable behaviour in some way if you like but there's no way he has the physical, intellectual or emotional understanding to grasp this. Agree showing him how to stroke the dog might be an idea.

The people who say grabbing is a natural reflex and an evolutionary advantage bred in the bone are right, btw.

And tbh I don't like the word 'discipline' applied to babies either, given they don't have a clue what 'right' and 'wrong' are.

aviatrix · 19/08/2006 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hunkermunker · 19/08/2006 11:59

Aviatrix...I have lentilly tendencies and there are some things I will not do, but other things that are frowned upon by proper lentilly people I do without a backwards glance. For instance, I won't give formula, ever, I won't smack, I use a sling all the time, but I use disposable nappies. I don't cook as much as a proper lentil-bod should either, probably. But once I have a need for it, I'm getting a mooncup

Enid · 19/08/2006 12:01

if the dog is placid then why can't your little boy grab his fur?

Hippyhoho · 19/08/2006 12:03

I say "No" and use the Baby Sign for "No" to my 10 month DD all the time and have been doing for ages. It makes her stop what she is doing long enough for me to remove her from the danger and stop her hurting herself or others. She still goes back and does the same things over and over again but reinforcing that you shouldn't do something with a word or sign I don't think is bad, maybe just they way you say it could be bad, and she has now stopped pulling her Daddy's glasses off all the time.

PinkTulips · 19/08/2006 12:08

i wouldn't say it in a cross way as he won't understand that but i did say no calmly and firmly to dd from about this age when she pulled hair or threw stuff at me whilst gently untangling her.

she understood the word no from about 9 months in that if she was at something she shouldnt be like trying to climb on the fireplace she'd pull away when i said no.

she is 18 months, has tonnes of words including no but never really uses it... she certainly does not scream it at me! in fact her currant favourite is 'yup' whilst nodding her head to every question!

Tutter · 19/08/2006 12:10

i may be a bit lentily on this too as i try and avoid saying 'no' as much as possible - save it for dangerous situations - and try to distract instead. hair-pulling or biting results in being put down and walked away from for a few moments (ds is 14mo).

Enid · 19/08/2006 12:13

saying 'no' is pointless

mind you I also think sticker charts/pasta jars are pointless

I like to go my own way

SecurMummy · 19/08/2006 12:18

I have to agree that at 6 mo he is too young to learn from a firm no, other than to be upset.

I would take him whenever he does it and use the "oh poor poor dog that will hurt" make a fuss of the dog and ten show ds how "look he likes this" stroke stroke "see you are clever stroking the dog so nicely" etc etc. THe more sickening and over the top you are the more they respond IME!

Having said that though, at 6mths I think it is expecting too much to expect them to be stroking, they don't have the motor control to be especially accurate with where they are putting their hands which usually ends up with a slapping motion from the best meaning child. I would expect a child of 1 who is constantly around animals to be "getting it" but still expect occasional slip ups!
HTH!

hunkermunker · 19/08/2006 12:18

I know one mum who says "no, that's naughty, oh, you are a naughty girl, stop that, no, it's naughty" all the bleeding time (and threatens the naughty step a million times a day and talks about how you have to follow through with leaving them on it, and putting them back on there, etc, etc.).

Poor child has no way of actually being a child because they're squished whenever they try anything

Enid · 19/08/2006 12:19

I'd expect the dog to put up with it tbh

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