how can a 14mo be so angry with the world?

[Tutter]

i know he's got it particularly bad at the moment (mouth full of cold sores and cutting premolars) but ds has always been pretty damned unhappy with his lot. you could never describe him as a happy baby. he will have happy moments, but far fewer happy ones than miserable ones.

he is very impatient, shouts at things and people, slaps me, cries when put in his pram, cries when he's taken out of it (ditto car seat, and highchair), doesn't enjoy feeding, etc etc.

when he was little he was diagnosed with colic (whatever that meanas) but i just wonder whether he's an unhappy baby. i'm quite highly strung, and have read recently about the effects of cortisol (what your body produces when it's under stress) - now i worry that he's the way he is because of the way i am - that he may have been effected in the womb and by my behaviour since.

i get pretty upset myself when he's having a bad day. try to convince myself that it's just a phase (it'll get better when he's crawling/walkinh/talking) but i'm not sure.

anyone any words of wisdom?

ds2 isn't a very physically affectionate child and will push me away if I try to cuddle him, I do get fabulous hugs and kisses these days but only on his terms.

Tutter, your last post reminded me so much of DD. Someone once said, in a sort of strange attempt to comfort me, 'It must be so hard for you not to get cuddles,' and it went through me like an arrow. I couldn't believe other people had noticed. She fought cuddles until she got measles at 14/15 months, and then suddenly saw the point.
She also calmed down terrifically around 18mths when she began to walk and talk. She's now nearly 5, and I can hardly see a shadow of that difficult baby in her. I think some babies are simply frustrated by their babyness and are anxious to do stuff. On the other hand DS (2nd child) has been very happy in himself since the very beginning.
I think it's best to get the tough child first, and then be wowed by the easiness of the second, IYSWIM, rather than the other way around...

Also, try and see affection and love displayed by your child in his own way. Sometimes we are too busy looking out for the normal signs that we fail to notice the more subtle ones.

Tutter - Just want to say that I completely empathise with what you are going through. Also have a 14 month old ds who was very colicky/refluxy until quite recently. Still gets occassional bouts of horrible wind which really stress us both out. They take me back to what he was llike for the first 9ish months.

I am also highly strung and found this montherhood lark very very difficult for a long time. Was diagnosed with PND eventually (which I'm not suggesting is the problem for you btw). I spent a lot of time worrying about how my stress and mood swings affected him while he was tiny. He is such a gorgeous boy that it really upsets me to think about how hard we had it for all that time.

Things are much better now, except for bouts of teething and farting. I worry about coping with the new demands of a toddler, but actually I'm finding it so much easier now that he is walking and pointing. I think you will find the same. It sounds like our boys have similarities!

Agree with everyone who says that you should try not to reflect on the affect you're anxieties have on him. All babies are different, and it's a combination of your personality and theirs that defines the relationship.

My ds is now in a fairly tight routine, after a chaotic first few months. He gets two sleeps a day, and we always go out for fresh air, or to see friends once a day. He's much happier when he's busy - I think at this age boredom can start to take it's toll, and it's hard to find new things to entertain them.

Most importantly, you need to make sure you've got some time for you. Yoga has helped me loads, but a good night out with the girls is just as good and way more fun

This is long, waffly and not that useful, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Tutter - are you doing any Mums and Tots classes? I take DD (16 months) once a week and she loves the interaction with the other children. Gives you a chance to meet other mums with kids the same age and you can then arrange to meet up at the park, soft play etc a few times a week. I would go mad with DD if I didn't see other people and she got a chance to have a change of scenery etc.

jambot - we get out quite a lot - have music and gym classes, and the days we don't have anything structured we usually meet with NCT friends to play or swim. he doesn't play well with other babies, but at 14mo i wouldn't expect him to - at least he's interacting though.

thanks everybody for your posts - it really helps to hear i'm not the only one.

i have a gut feeling that things will improve when he can walk and talk, and i get a better feel for what he needs to do to remain stimulated and interested. right now it seems to be a constant battle (no, don't do this, do that) and he gets so so frustrated when he's not allowed to do what he wants (which usually involves doors, cupboards, washing machine, dishwasher....)

Please do yourself a favour Tutter and don't worry about the 'affection' thing. Not every adult is a huggy kissy affectionate type (thank god ) and so it is the same with children.
My DS is not very affectionate physically (only EVER gave cuddles on HIS terms, not just for cuddles sake as a baby) but he is very articulate and is good at voicing his feelings - .... he can tell me that he loves me more than there are leaves on every tree in the whole world (bless ) but he is physically 'spiky' and uncomfortable with cuddles ("yyyyeeeeuchh, Mum, gerrrofff!" )
But his sister will cuddle till the cows come home .... all day ... yummy for me ... at last I get my cuddles ...
It is like my sister and me - I was the cuddly affectionate one, she was prickly physically but we both love eachother the same ...

Don't upset yourself with thinking he doensn't love you ... I did that and it is such a waste of energy and lots of heartbreak for you (Can you tell I suffered from PND when DS was a baby? I beat myself up about EVERYTHING!) ... He is horrible to you because he CAN be ... you are his mum and he knows that you will love him no matter what - but he will take out his frustrations on you because you are closest ...

Try and work out what makes him laugh and smile and do that as much as you can ....

thanks poopy will blow lots of raspberries on his tum when he wakes up then - always gets chuckles

Your plight has really touched me Tutter .... as I remember how hard it was for me when DS was a baby.
I am embarrassed a bit by this memory but when DS was about the same age as your DS he got a nasty tummy bug and was throwing up for about 3/4 days with a temperature ... he felt rotten and I felt really bad for him but what I remember was that he spent much of that time sleeping on me during the day and cuddling ... it was really really lovely because he just wasn't normally like that ... and although he was poorly and I wanted him to get better I remember that time as being really precious to me because I was 'allowed' to cuddle him. I hope that doesn't sound too awful of me
I love his company now, he is great to be with - and we have a lot of fun and love but just not cuddly love - but that is him. My DH isn't very affectionate physically but I know he loves me because of what he does for me ...
There is a great book called 'The Five Languages of Love' which describes how everyone displays their love in different ways ... I can't remember the author but it made a lot of sense to me in terms of my DS when I read it ....

oh yes i know exactly what you mean. a few months ago ds had a really nasty rotavirus bug - laid him out for a week. veyr frightening, and i hope he never has anything like it again, but yes, he also crashed out on me quite a lot. and i held him a lot during those days.

i'm envious of those mums who get their dc to snooze in their bed. ds refuses - wriggles to the edge and goes off to play or roam around. just doesn;t get the whole lie-in-bed-with-mummy-and-daddy thing.

i lost count of the number of times i said to friends and family (when ds was a newborn) "don't take it personally - he cries whenever someone picks him up for a cuddle"!

as you say, maybe the next one will be a cuddly one...