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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Disciplining other people's children

38 replies

Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 22:22

... ore more to the point, other people disciplining mine.

DS1 (6) was at a birthday party after school today at one of these huge soft play places. The boy whose birthday it was isn't in DS's class and tbh I'm not sure why he was invited - he never mentions his name and I have never spoken to his parents, but, hey, he wanted to go. There were about 15 of them, they had the whole place virtually to themselves and were racing around like small boys do, letting off steam and knocking each other over, coming back to base crying, being comforted and going off again on the rampage - you know the drill.

However toward the end of the party the birthday boy's dad suddenly yelled out "Oi - you lot, you one, two, three, four..." (counting four boys one of whom was my DS) ".. you've been racing around far too much and hitting each other, I want you all to go and sit at that table now and sit still for five minutes. It's not on and I'm not having it." He was shouting loud enough for the whole place to go silent and all the staff to look at each other in amazement.

The four boys all sheepishly went to the table and sat down, looking confused and embarrassed. I'm not sure what had happened, there certainly hadn't been a big fracas, but even if there had been, I think it was totally out of order for this man - who my DS has never even seen before - to start dishing out punishments. I went up to DS and told him to come to me and took him away from the table. I wanted to remonstrate with the loud father but didn't want to embarrass the kids further, so said nothing to him.

Before this both the birthday parents had been strict - telling the kids off when they stood up and walked round the table where the birthday tea was served, telling them they couldn't leave until they'd finished all the food on their plate - stuff you might say to your own child in your own kitchen - but at a 6 year old's birthday party in a neutral location to children you don't even know????

There weren't many parents there apart from me and one other mum - her child was one of the four humiliated too but she did nothing. Perhaps she was too shocked!

Am I being silly for thinking the dad's behaviour was totally OTT and inappropriate? it really upset my DS (not to the point of crying or anything, but he kept referring to 'that nasty man' on the way home). I'm not slack when it comes to discipline at all, but if I felt another person's child was misbehaving at a party and I didn't know him or his parents, the most I would do is have a quiet word and ask him to calm down, unless he was actually causing injury on purpose!

I think the kids were shocked but it seemed to have no discernible effect on their behaviour - they weren't being naughty, just high spirited, as happens at these sort of parties. I don't think there's anything else I can do about it now, other than avoid the family at all costs, but does anyone think his behaviour was acceptable? Would you have said something to him?

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ScummyMummy · 14/07/2006 23:09

Adults are SO shite at this, imo. We throw our kids into places that invite boisterous chaos and then punish them for being boisterously chaotic.

Original poster

Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 23:11

Yes Cristina I have no problem with people I know and my DS knows having a word with him if he is getting out of hand. I expect it and DS knows they are 'in loco parentis' (even if he doesn't understand the latin!). But strangers scaring and humiliating him is something altogether different.

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nothercules · 14/07/2006 23:11

agree wwith scummymummy!

Caligula · 14/07/2006 23:11

Me too

edam · 14/07/2006 23:12

Sounds very odd. I'd only expect someone to do that if they were beating each other up or something. Sounds like a bit of a tyrant - you don't take a bunch of kids to a soft play place without expecting a lot of running around and getting hyper. Maybe he doesn't actually have much to do with his own children - one of those dads who only sees them when they are ready for bed and really doesn't understand normal small boy behaviour?

I have no problems disciplining other people's children, btw (grew up up North where any adult felt able to tell us off if we were being lairy), but usually do it reasonably, getting down to their level and speaking firmly but quietly.

EvesMama · 14/07/2006 23:12

if anything he could have took his own child to one side but four of them..what a egotistical t**t..bet he wouldnt have done it had there been more paretns there..or dads!!

edam · 14/07/2006 23:13

.. and only if it's really called for, obviously, like they are in danger or play fighting is getting out of hand.

nothercules · 14/07/2006 23:14

we don't even know the bloke.....

yajorome · 14/07/2006 23:19

I dunno really - does sound like a horrid birthday party because of the eating all the food on your plate thing. I think that is just awful and worse than the shouting, but know that's just my perception and says more about me and my situation with my kids than anything else. So don't comment!

As for the knocking each other about and crying - I would expect that at a 6 year olds party but not too much (don't have one now - have two older and one younger) except for 'known criers' and 'known knockers' - both of which are easier to deal with. If the 'known knockers' had gotten a bit rambunctious at a party for one of mine, I'd have done the same. (We check but ignore 'know criers') Maybe your child got caught up in the sweep? Although I have to admit to having talked out strategies with other parents who are also friends and we tend to not double up, ie one of us will handle a situation which involves the kids instead of both. Obviously, this didn't happen with you as you didn't know him. Did he know he was shouting at your son and you were there?

Have to admit that I'd think you'd be over the top except for the fact that they sound so insane about the food bits (including not letting them walk around the table) which sounds so controlling, so really believe that they were just nuts and the kids were just being kids.

Caligula · 14/07/2006 23:23

I can't understand how anyone can expect children to have table manners in those places. They're designed to be not conducive to table manners. I sometimes think they should just chuck all the chips in one trough, all the chicken nuggets in another, and be done with it.

ninah · 14/07/2006 23:26

It's like someone going up to that kind of guy on a stag night and telling him to keep the noise down

Original poster

Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 23:27

I'm not saying 'whatever the behaviour, no-one else should discipline my child' but it's more the public humiliation thing that got me angry. It does smack of controlling, dictatorial tendencies, I think.

I don't think he knew any of the children at all, to be honest. I would feel happy telling off children I know and who know me, but I would look around for the mum or dad if it was someone I'd never seen before.

He certainly knew I was there when I came up and removed DS from his little punishment circle! But I'm not sure he knew who I was before then, other than I was a parent at the party and therefore quite possibly could have been the mother of one of them.

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Original poster

Wordsmith · 14/07/2006 23:29

Great idea about the trough, Caligula. yes I think most normal rules go out of the window at play zones (not all fo them though). can't wait till DS1 grows out of them - then it will be DS2's turn....

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