Don't go mum, don't go - please help (v long)

[Straightforward]

I'm at my wits end. DD is 4 and I'm about to have another baby any day now (so realise I'm being very hormonal and sensitive about this, but still...)

DD has been going to the same preschool for 2 years now. She started off doing 3 mornings a week and for the last year has been doing all 5. On and off during this time she has had phases of not letting me go. Sometimes it's mild - just a comment or whatever, but for the last few months (and some other times pre-pregnancy) it has been full-on, all the way to school, howling and clinging to my leg so that she has to be physically prised off me, all the time screaming 'don't go mum, don't go'.

Thing is, I KNOW that she is happy there. She has ALWAYS stopped crying as soon as I've left the room (literally within 10 seconds apart from one time when she was ill). I can't drag her away from the place at the end of the session and her teachers and friends all agree that, once I've gone, she's a happy, confident little soul.

We've talked about this endlessly together. I've bribed her and told her off, I've praised her to the hilt on the odd occasion that she has let me go without a fuss. All she will tell me is 'well, I just don't want you to go', but she understands that she has a better time when I've gone, that I love her very much, and that she doesn't have to say these things to 'prove' she loves me etc, but nothing works. And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, historically she's come through and not fussed for weeks on end.

I try really hard not to react (but obviously she knows it gets to me), but today was her last proper day at the school and she started it up with all bells and whistles right in the middle of the doorway with everyone trying to get round her. I'm really to admit I just lost it (v hormonal) and said 'for god's sake, it's your last day child, just get in!', and attempted to manoeuvre her in myself by grabbing her hand. I must have been a lot more rough than I'd meant to be because she started screaming and screaming that I'd hurt her. All the parents and teachers there looked really shocked and one of the teachers took her off me without looking me in the eyes. Then DD just sobbed on her shoulder and wouldn't say goodbye or look at me when I was trying to say sorry.

I just have been crying since. I alternate between feeling angry with her for putting this show on every morning just to get a reaction, and really really guilty for leaving her when she's begging me not to.

I'm really scared about what's going to happen when she starts school in September and there won't be loads of helpers who 'get' her and I'll have a small baby to deal with too.

In every other way she's a really happy confident girl, and those who know her can hardly believe she's like this. She also clings to me physically during parties (even if it's all her friends) and any time DH and I go out she gets hysterical - again, to calm down AS SOON as we've gone out the door.

What can I do? We've got a school taster session on Thursday and I know she'll cling to me the whole time. What about September and going to school? Am I the worst mum in the world for what happened today? And do I hold the record for the longest post in history...?

should say that 99% of kids who don't have a problem being left, also love their mums/being at home!!!! was just using this boy as a clear example of why some kids probably prefer pre-school to home!

hi straightforward, your situation really reminds me of what my ds1 has been like. He knows how to wind me up and how to get attention. One time I had to get him from the park near our house to school, just down the road, and I'd given lots of warning but we really had to leave, and it was turning into 'one of those days' and I was so fed up because he just wouldn't come, so I shouted at him 'you make me so angry when you do this' - yes, I know, not very positive parenting, I should have said the action made me angry, not him, anyway, a guy driving a truck took the opportunity to shout at me about what an awful mother I was, which made me feel a whole lot better I can tell you . Another bad incident was when he had a huge tantrum on a bus on the way to afternoon nursery and screamed at me for the whole 45 mins, including the classic 'you're hurting me' in front of a huge queue of people at the bus stop when I was trying to both carry him and push the (single) buggy with ds2 in it, so that I could stop ds1 from running over the road to get the bus back to the leisure centre (for whatever strange reason he had in his head) and get him to nursery on time.

Anyway, basically ds1 took a while to adjust to ds2 being around, not helped by the fact that ds2 was very ill and needed lots of attention, and so ds1 also took a while to settle in to nursery school. But the teacher and nursery assistant were very understanding when I brought him screaming to the door, and would take him off my hands and do their magic. And by now, in the summer term, he always looks forward to school, dashes in without even saying goodbye, and even wants holidays to finish early so he can get back to seeing his friends. (He tells me how much he loves me too, so I don't worry about being a terrible mum like sparklemagic's example. Oh and he also plays very well with his little brother so I'm no longer too worried about the sibling rivalry thing either.)

I think making friends there helps - ds1's best friend was almost accidental, because we ended up catching the bus to school together one day a week and so I got to know the friend's mum and invited them round. Now they are best buddies and really miss each other if they are not both at school. So one reason he likes to go back to school is to see his friends.

Anyway, glad to hear your 'taster' went well, so fingers crossed she'll be far better behaved than my ds has been - I just wanted to let you know that even the worst cases end up fine

Thanks mummypig So glad it turned out well for you in the end. And it's just sooooo helpful when complete strangers judge you right in your hour of need, isn't it? (grrr)

Think all who mentioned it were right about her making friends, and on Thursday we met a girl who lives just down the road and the mum invited DD and me to her house over the summer as they were getting a big paddling pool etc, so hopefully that will help.

I also think there's a lot in that 'transition' theory, and poor old DD is going to be able to write a book about transition soon with all the stuff going on for her in the next few weeks/months! Well, with any luck, it will help her develop some better coping strategies!