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Original poster

I'm so angry I'm not really articulate.......

30 replies

Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:29

DD has come back from Brownie camp in tears for more than 3 hrs I have had weeping and hysterics

I have no idea if it is real or imagined

DD says a "friend" told someone about her etting the bed and that someone told everyone else

They were teasing her and spying on her about it

I have no idea if this is true

Her BF denys it - Brown owl et al no nothing about it

Has she been making it up?

What is going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:33

I think I'm upset as I no have no idea whether to beleive her or not

OP posts:
Beauregard · 25/06/2006 20:35

Is there any reason why she would make it up?

peanutbutter · 25/06/2006 20:37

Katymac - sorry you're so upset. the weeping and hysterics - has she done something like this before for you to be doubting whether it's real? Who is this "friend" who told on her? Do you know their name? Are you friendly with any of the other mums whose kids went on the trip? Could you give one a ring and explain what's happening and see if they could speak with their child?

Original poster
Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:37

We have been having a whole bullying saga for nearly 18m (hence the bed wetting)

I have no idea if she is telling the truth as her BF and Brown Owl no nothing

If it were just BO knowing nothing .....but her BF as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:38

I just don't know if she is capable of differentiating between teasing and bullying anymore

Her BF is sure nothing "bad" happened - I spoke to her mum earlier

OP posts:
peanutbutter · 25/06/2006 20:41

has she calmed down yet? if she's been bullied for the past 18months then even some so called "teasing" will feel hellish if it's over something as personal as bed wetting...has she calmed enough for you to be able to talk gently with her about what has happened this weekend?

Original poster
Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:43

No she calmed down during the party in the park - we cuddled on the settee

I have put her to bed exhausted

I'm not going to disturb her now - but I don't know how to do this any more

OP posts:
peanutbutter · 25/06/2006 20:45

Katymac i'm just bumping this because someone will come along with some good advice for you soon x

peanutbutter · 25/06/2006 20:48

.

Original poster
Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:48

Thanks Peanut Butter

  • I don't know why I feel so useless
OP posts:
LIZS · 25/06/2006 20:49

Was she anxious about it beforehand ? Wonder if maybe she was a bit oversensitive to something not intended spitefully or out of context, also overtired and wanting to see you again. Would n't BO have been aware of her being that unhappy.

tbh, if you can find no foundation for it, I think you may need to play it down rather than give it possibly unwarranted importance which may prolong her anxieites. Just keep your ear open for any rumblingsin the future.

Berries · 25/06/2006 20:50

believe her, whether they were really being mean or teasing probably makes no difference to her any more, but at her age anyone mentioning bed wetting will be really upsetting (I know as I did til at least 8). She is moving school in Sept anyway isn't she?
Re: brown owl knowing nothing - when bullying has been going on for a long time they get very good at hiding it outside as they seem to think it may be 'their fault' so teachers etc often don't notice what's going on. I've found out a lot more about what was happening with dd2 now (6 months later).

peanutbutter · 25/06/2006 20:51

{{hugs}} i don't have any good advice as i've no experience whatsoever in this but i'm sure there will be lots of people along soon who can talk you through this x

Original poster
Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:51

Lizs - you get exactly why I'm so unsure - someone (BF or BO or guides) would have seen something surely

I think maybe downplaying it would be best

But the bullying went on so long with out DD or me being beleived....I'm so confused

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Rhubarb · 25/06/2006 20:53

I was bullied in the Brownies without anyone noticing. I would believe your dd and kick some serious ass! I was never believed and boy did it damage me! If she is that hysterical then believe her and do something about it. Take her out.

Berries · 25/06/2006 20:56

Perhaps you could tell her that you do believe her, and you will ask BO to keep an eye out in the future. There isn't much you can do about camp now anyway, but I do think it's important that she feels you believe her, otherwise you will fond she stops telling you what is going on.

Original poster
Katymac · 25/06/2006 20:58

Is it possible that she has been making it up (the bullying I mean) to get attention

I don't really think so

So why would she make this up

She must be telling the truth

Unfortunatley this mean the bully isn't who we thought or ven that there are more than one

Does DD have "Victim" on her forehead or what

She doesn't want to go to brownies now......I'll decide on Tuesday

OP posts:
peanutbutter · 25/06/2006 22:14

just bumping for some advice for Katymac..

littleshebear · 25/06/2006 22:46

Now, this is just a thought, and I really don't have much experience with bullying, but perhaps your little girl is just so upset and sensitised by being bullied that she has reacted very badly to someone mentioning the bed wetting and perhaps teasing her a bit about it? I know my DD, who's 10,(don't know how old yours is?) will go into screaming hysterics over quite minor things sometimes because she's tired, or keyed up, or cross about something else.I certainly can imagine her being hysterical if someone found out something embarassing about her and broadcast it to the rest of her friends, and that's without being bullied.So it isn't really overreacting, just that she's very(understandably) sensitive at the moment. Pehaps leave it a few days, then ask her about it gently - try to work out exactly what was said, and by whom, and go from there. I think if it was me I would downplay it a bit, while still taking her seriously, if you know what I mean. Hope it all goes well -it must be so worrying and awful for you.XXX

hunkermunker · 25/06/2006 22:48

Oh, KM

Might she have dreamt it? Because she was so anxious about it happening?

Rhubarb · 25/06/2006 22:51

Don't send her back! Bullies never work alone, they always work in packs ('scuse the pun there!). I'm afraid that if your child is quiet or different in anyway then yes, they do have 'victim' written on them. But how you handle it will make a big impact on her. Believe her, kick off with those who should have been looking after her and send her to self defence classes to boost her confidence.

These are things I wish had been done with me.

ScummyMummy · 25/06/2006 22:57

Km- this sounds like it's getting out of hand and is massively difficult to deal with. Poor you and dd. Would you consider some family therapy or other advice on how best to handle it? I think good family therapy can be v good with this sort of thing. I just wouldn't know what to do in your place- you sound like you are trying so hard to make things right for your dd and the issue won't go away. Maybe the next step is to get some external advice? I find it very hard to ask for help and don't know whether I'd have the courage but I think it can be very useful sometimes. Hope things improve soon.

edam · 25/06/2006 23:31

Katymac, I really feel for you and for dd, having read your other threads. Have you ever been in touch with Kidscape? They are a charity who do a lot of work on bullying and might be able to help you both work some of this stuff out. Just an idea.

As someone who was bullied very badly at one school, I think you really need to show her that you believe her. While trying to work out ways of dealing with different levels of behaviour (ie with advice from Kidscape or similar organisations like Childline). If something happened that upset her because she's more sensitive to being teased now, rather than an 'OMG anyone would see this as a dramatic case of bullying', that doesn't mean it isn't very hurtful for her. She still needs support.

hunkermunker · 25/06/2006 23:32

Sorry, KM - I didn't realise there was a history of bullying - don't ask her if she dreamt it, that'll be unkind, I think.

eemie · 26/06/2006 00:46

I wouldn't downplay it. You can let her know that it's not all right for people to say nasty things without making it seem like the end of the world.

I was badly bullied and my Mum went for the downplaying (if you just ignore them they'll get tired of it) solution, which left me feeling helpless, undefended and let down.

Believe her, start telling her about how we should be wary and critical of the people who judge us. It's part of her task in growing up.

She might wet the bed from time to time but that could happen to anyone. But she doesn't swear at her Mum/steal/[insert disapproved-of bad behaviour here].

My dd has a habit of admiring the most spiteful little madams in the playground. I often have to comfort her about nasty comments they've made - but she still likes them and will try to defend them from my disapproval. So I reckon I have to take a step back and let her work it out for herself.