Some reasurance needed please for my friends who think they have the most difficult 1 year old EVER!

[Moomin]

My friends are having a hard time with their ds who is 1 in 2 weeks and they could do with some reassurance that plenty of 1 year olds are the same as their ds as they think they're going bonkers.

Their ds has just discovered that he can have tantrums and does so whenever he doesn't get his own way which is pretty often obviously! when he's in a temper he is inconsolable and will scream for up to an hour and even refuse food despite being hungry. He's fine when everything goes his way but when, for instance, my friend has been holding his ds over a football kicking it up and down the front room for half and hour and his back is crippled, all hell breaks loose when he puts his ds down!

They're both finding it very stressful at the moment (the mum is especially frazzled) and I've said that i think at this stage their ds's behaviour can't be 'trained' as such but how they react to him will be the way to come out the other side. I spoke to the dad last night and I told him it's absolutely normal at this stage (and beyond!) but I think he (esp) would like to hear about similar i year olds that are driving their parents mad so he can help support his dp. I'm going to email him this thread later if i get some replies! Thanks

fair enough, Moomin!

FWIW Blueshoes, I still think is about finding the right strategy. I have two friends who complain about their strong willed difficult toddlers and I can tell you one thing, they behave perfectly when they stay with us. I guess someway they know they will not get away with aggressive behaviour in our presence. BUT same aproach would be useless for many other children. So, what I'm trying to say here is that the worst thing you can do to a child is to fix a label on him and then fail to see the child behind that label, just that :)

Ah Chandra, I know what you mean. My dd is much better behaved at nursery and at her grandma's. They don't use any particular strategy, if anything, they have even less of one. But dd is better behaved in a group setting, because she knows she is just one of many, and with grandma, because she doesn't see her that often and feels the need to be in grandma's good books. See, dd knows what is expected of her - I see that as a success. I know deep down her spirit is willing, but flesh is weak, particularly when she is with me.

Why is dd like that? Well, she is sophisticated enough to sense the situation is different and adapt her behaviour accordingly. Just like dd is better behaved with dh because she sees him less than she sees me. Some people might call that manipulative. But as an adult, I am very well behaved at work, but at home, I do kick off my shoes and expect my dh to be more understanding if I need to let off steam and be pampered. Same thing with dd. It is ok to behave differently in different settings. Yes, she pushes the boundaries more with me at home - she just does - but home is the safe place to learn. There are limits for dd eg safety, social behaviour, but I don't run a boot camp. Good behaviour is praised but if she does not meet the standards, she just needs to know she can do better - no punishment or rewards. Dd will step up to the plate when she is ready. She is already so much better. hth

BTW, aggressive behaviour is not allowed under any circumstances. That is a firm limit for dd. Wherever she is.