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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

At what age does it become unacceptable for a child to be a "bad loser"?

26 replies

Caligula · 22/03/2006 14:16

DS is almost 7 and is incapable of playing a game like football or rounders or any other competitive team game without it ending in tears, wailing and breastbeating if he's not on the winning team. Even if he personally scores a goal or does well, he'll be OTT traumatised to be on the losing side and will continue to sob about it for half an hour. Same with individual games come to think of it - he can't stand losing. When I go to pick him up from his club, he'll be crying if he's lost a game.

Up to now I've ignored it and jollied him along, but I wonder if people think he's a brat and should by now have developed a stiff upper lip and know how to lose more gracefully. Should I attempt to get him to be more moderate in his reaction to losing? And if so, how?

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Twiglett · 22/03/2006 14:17

Dnephew didn't come out of being a bad loser till he was about 15 .. he is however an alround good kid .. very caring, loving, bright, sensitive, funny, talented (I have something like 32 nephews and nieces to choose from .. I know wherefore I speak)

I wouldn't worry about it .. just try to ignore it

flibbertygibbet · 22/03/2006 14:27

Personally I think this sounds unacceptable for a 7yo. Some children do struggle more with this than others, but it's an important social skill to master.

What's he like with board games and similar?

Original poster

Caligula · 22/03/2006 14:30

D'you know, we never play board games, and it's partly because I feel it would be more trouble than it's worth and that he would just go off on one for the afternoon if he didn't win.

OP posts:

Chandra · 22/03/2006 14:34

I think that you can help him to learn to loose with grace, table games are great for that let him win twoce for every one you loose. He may grasp that it is not the end of the world to loose soon.

flibbertygibbet · 22/03/2006 14:34

I'd recommend starting then. Start with something which is "pure luck", such as Frustration or Snakes and Ladders. Explain that it is supposed to be fun, it is pure luck, so not a judgment on his skill or abilities, just pure chance. Talk about the fact that such games can be frustrating, but that's part of the fun. And praise him immensely if he manages to enjoy it!

Don't fix the game, and insist that he plays according to the rules or not at all. ... Then progress to more complex games involving a degree of skill as well.

HTH

juliab · 22/03/2006 14:35

Caligula,
IME, 7 is the peak age for this sort of stuff - especially from the sporty boys.
And I think Twiglett's right - they just grow out of it. Some more quickly than others, though! Losing gracefully is a hard lesson to then, especially if you're very competitive by nature.

Chandra · 22/03/2006 14:35

sorry, for every time you WIN.

We are doing this with DS already, he is 3 yrs old. It is also helping him to share and take turns too.

juliab · 22/03/2006 14:36

sorry - hard lesson to LEARN, even

serenity · 22/03/2006 14:37

I generally ignore it. DSs are aware by now that I really don't want to hear it (can't abide whinging of any description, and being a sore loser definitely comes under that) Having said that I'm not totally hard hearted and give them a bit of comfort for losing at something like football, and happily bring out all the practice makes perfect, at least you tried cliches [grin, but most of ours comes from from DS1 vs DS2 things on the PS2, so they get little sympathy from me, I'm so mean

Tbh I find it's DS1 who's the worst at this (but not very often luckily) I wonder if it's to do with eldest children just being harder on themselves.

I don't know what to suggest really. I know that if it was me I would probably be saying that if he gets that upset over playing, then maybe he shouldn't be playing at all?

Marina · 22/03/2006 14:41

Good advice about board or card games here Caligula, we have a pouty nearly 7 year old bad loser too, and he has got a lot better with dealing with his feelings through repetition of board games. I am making them sound like purgatory, they're not - we have a lot of fun and far fewer tantrums. In fact, if he happens to have a friend who is completely nonchalant about winning/losing this sort of game, can you manage to rope them in too. I noticed how much less annoying ds was on this front after he played several games of Child Monopoly with really laid-back little pals.

tamum · 22/03/2006 14:42

Step ds was like this until his teens too- not so much sport as board games. He is also lovely now :)

tarantula · 22/03/2006 14:44

Some kids take a lot longer to accept winning and losing graciously than other and theres quite a few out there who've never mastered the skill at all. think of all those ultra competative teams at local pub quizs or the dads at Sunday morning football.
I wasnt a good loser as a kid but have gradually learned to be one as I got older (I hope). seven is still very young to have mastered this skill I think. I think it takes time patience and lots of practice, just like everythign else really. Great help arent I...

juliab · 22/03/2006 14:46

And of course there are some occasions in life when being competitive is actually quite a good thing...

serenity · 22/03/2006 14:59

I think you can be competitive and be a good loser tbh.

juliab · 22/03/2006 15:00

This reply has been deleted

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serenity · 22/03/2006 15:00

I won! I won! rssssp

juliab · 22/03/2006 15:02

WAAAAAAAAH!!! Not fair!!

serenity · 22/03/2006 15:03

Actually I think in some ways a bad winner is worse than a bad loser, can't stand it when people feel they have to beat you and rub your nose in it too.

I think I actually get more annoyed with DS1 beating DS2 and crowing over it, than at DS2 stropping.

serenity · 22/03/2006 15:04

Except when it's me beating DH, then it's absolutely justified.

juliab · 22/03/2006 15:06

I can certainly relate to that one! My ds1 has a range of really annoying victory dances copied from footballers he sees celebrating goals on Match of the Day!
Actually, TV sport often doesn't help much in the old teaching of losing with grace/winning with grace thing. Not the best role models, some of those sports stars are they? With the honourable exception of the English/Aussie cricket teams last summer...

serenity · 22/03/2006 15:11

Oh good idea juliab in a round about way!

caligula, does your DS have a particular sports star or the like that you could use as a model of 'correct behaviour'? Or are there any favourite films that you could use as an illustration perhaps?

Must go and rescue DSs from school now.

Original poster

Caligula · 22/03/2006 19:01

Oh God, there's no avoiding board games, is there. I can't believe I've managed to up till now. Looks like I'm going to have to start playing draughts with him...

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Nightynight · 22/03/2006 19:41

surely what you really want is for him to pretend to be a good loser?
I certainly wouldnt want any of my children to be good losers in life! Because this skill requires some dishonesty, I'd say it would come quite late.

inycon · 22/03/2006 19:59

My son is 9yrs and still a really bad loser. I have to make sure I don't beat him at a game because it's not worth the consequences! He has to accept losing at school games though, as it's not cool to cry there. I think he takes after my sister age 37, who is a nightmare to play a game with because she's so competitive that it spoils the enjoyment. I'm sure your son is destined to be a high flyer or a top sportsman.

flibbertygibbet · 22/03/2006 20:07

I'm quite surprised by people admitting to cheating at games to allow their children to win, in order to avoid a tantrum.

That really is not going to help them learn to lose graciously, is it?

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