Desperately need positive stories of nurseries!

[RachelG]

Hello

I'm going back to work part-time in 8 weeks, when my son will be 8 months old. He's booked into nursery 2 mornings/week, and Grandma will look after him for 2 full days also.

I just saw a childcare expert (Steve Biddulph I think) on breakfast TV, talking about nurseries etc. Apparently all the latest research suggests that one-to-one care is much better for children up to the age of about 2, and definitely for the under-1s. It's all to do with how much love they get, makes their brains grow apparently - and even the best nurseries can't provide that level of attention.

I chose nursery over childminder for a few reasons - problem if childminder "off sick", worry that childminder might not treat my son as I would like etc - and also there's a lovely small nursery a couple of minutes from my work.

But now I'm feeling terrible, have a made a big mistake? Can anyone tell me happy nursery stories, and well-adjusted children who went to nursery from an early age?

Thanks
Rachel

Hey, I think every mum struggles with a little guilt about this. I know I surely did when dd started nursery 2 days a week when she was 9 months old, and I went back p/time. But rest assured after the first few weeks of settling in, she loves it! She is much more chatty and confident and gets excited when we pull up in the car. She still cries now and again, (usually for about 4 seconds!), when I leave her. But on balance I only see positiv changes and the staff at my workplace nursery are fab, and work really hard and are genuinely concerned for my wee one. It'll feel weird at first, but in the long run it will be fine, good luck and let us know how you get on.

Your hours are way to low to be worrying, however I do suggest that you keep a close eye on how the nursery is run, cleanliness, ratios,and most of all how your DD is. Make friends with the staff as soon as possible.
I had to use nursery as I work from home a lot, plus had friend with employment issues with nanny. Friends recommended nursery because of safety in nuimbers aspect (ie not just one carer)

DD1 went at 5 months for 3 days a week, then has had 1 year of full time from 2y1m -3y3m. A bright, confident child.
DD2 3 days a week from 3 months, then F/T from 7 months-21 months. She is exceptionally sociable and affectionate.
They have loads more activities than you would probably care to do, mess stays there.

We put our dd to nursery when she was 9 months old - as soon as she started crawling. We saw couple of nurseries and chose one set up in the old church - big rooms, huge garden etc. We went through settling in period (3 days) which was nice because I was there and got to see what they do with the babies, and older kids - also met pretty much all the staff. When I wasn't there they'd keep me updated and with some of the girls we bacame pretty friendly so they'd text us throughout the day to tell us she's happy etc. We even get some of the girls to babysit which is brilliant, we know them, they know our dd - and our dd is immediately as ease with them, so perfect in all sense. We chose nursery over childminder due to socialising - she's more like to interract with more kids and play with different toys / do more varied activities this way. We love it - she's now 2.8 and she adores going there - never any tears or tantrums :)

Oh, and she goes from 10am til 5pm - she's a very happy kid - never had any tantrums and she is definitely well behaved - so I wouldn't worry about the stories of kids who go longer hours are bad kids and you're a bad mother for leaving them at nursery etc. It's all about the life they lead as a whole - happy home makes a happy child :)

Hello Rachel,
just wanted to tell you not to feel bad. Like other mums on this thread, and like you, I didn't want to leave my children to a childminder, and the four of them went to nurseries - DD4 is still there - and they all developed into sunny, confident, sociable children. The only thing I felt unhappy about was that they did not always get enough sleep because there were inevitably days when they were woken up by the cries of other babies, which of course would not have happened at home. On the other hand, they did all kinds of activities that no childminder would have organised. As for the one-to-one relationship, your nursery surely is organised in such a way that your child is always taken care of by the same person or by the same two persons. Forget about the childcare experts: you're the mother, there's no better expert for your child.

Both mine went to nurseries, my DS now five does not fit in with the studies done. He has a lovely gentle nature and is one of the least aggresive boys in the class so gets invited to girls houses. Both knew right from wrong at a young age and are very sensitive to other people's needs. I would look around though and personally go for a smaller ones with loyal staff. I tried two others until I found the perfect one for my kids. The food has just improved as was not brilliant but the minute my DS went there he would not stop talking about it. He was just over two and had hardly talked at that stage. The girls there were brilliant with him. The former nursery was not. Ignore the decor and the menus. The way the people interact with the children is what will make them happy and well adjusted.

Hi - Just seen this thread and would like to add that my ds now 3.5yrs has been in nursery for 3 days a week since he was 7 months - he loves it, loves his friends most have been there same amount of time - 1 even started on the same day - he has had phases of clinging to me in the mornings around 18 - 24 months - I think he cried just for my benefit and I hid and peeped through the window a couple of times and sure enough once I was out of sight he just started playing with his friends!!! I had gone thru the " why am I doing this " thoughts and ultimately he has learnt so much and the nursery are brill at themes and tasks .He has now even got a reading book!!!! Have no worries Rachel - your son will be a socialable little boy who gets to experience loads of different stuff X

Hi - not had chance to read the whole thread, but Steve Biddulph gets on my nerves...

Anyway, our 2 ds's aged 4 and 2 both go to nursery for 2 days a week, and both have been since they were about 8 months old. They're absolutely fine and ds2 in particular loves it. Ds1 is quieter and more shy and so less enthusiastic about it, but still will admit to liking it - and has made lots of friends through nursery.

Both boys are incredibly well looked after there - the staff are fantastic and really seem to know the boys and understand their different personalities and different needs. It's lovely now some of the staff have seen ds1 grow up and are now looking after ds2 - they notice the huge differences in them and we have lots of chats about them! Ds2 has had a dairy allergy and they've always been really careful (more careful than we have...ahem... - e.g. they wouldn't give him chocolate for ages, until we told them we gave it him and he was fine ).

I really think nursery has helped both our boys - ds1 because it's helped bring him out of his shell and prepare him for school in September - I would have been much more worried if he hadn't had any experience of being with lots of other people other than me and dp, but as it is, although he's shy, he copes and then enjoys things. Ds2 because he's the complete opposite and loves socialising and being with lots of different people - so he gets tons out of all the activities and being fussed over by the staff (he's very cuddly and is thoroughly spoiled there!).

Sorry - long post - but try not to worry and give your ds time to settle in and start enjoying it!

Hi there,
Wondered if it might be helpful to give you some feedback from the academic perspective….?
You should know that Biddulph, is well known amongst psychologists as having a very definite stance on child-care. Broadly he is quite anti the consumerists western European idea on family – thinking we place too much emphasis on working (to by stuff) and not enough on nurturing our families. Whilst I tend to agree with much of what he says on these issues, I think he is using the research on child care to further his own agenda. Research on the effects of childcare is (as you can imagine) is a very political hot-potato and the results of research have been quite mixed. It’s also very difficult to do good research as pulling out definite cause and effect in such complex interactions is very hard.

When he talks to a lay audience Biddulph has a tendency to run lots of pieces of research into one and extrapolate findings- particularly when (as at the moment) he is publicising his own book. As he himself admits “This book presents much objective evidence, but it also carries a strong professional opinion for which I don't apologize,"
Personally I think the research on cortisol levels and brain development is particularly suspect- he presents it as cause and effect and that simply hasn’t been proven. As for the rest of research- well it tends to look at longer terms effects of childcare on measures of things like aggression, sociability, self-esteem and something called ‘attachment’ (a notably controversial area in itself). Even if you take these findings at face value negative effects don’t appear to kick in unless the child is in nursery at a young age for lots of days….
So you really really shouldn’t worry. No one (not even academics who might light to think they have) has all the right answers. It’s a shame that there are not more journalists/tv types who have a science background who are able to look at some of these reports/claims with a little bit more of a critical eye. It would save lots of mums feeling unnecessarily bad!