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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

"sid isn't nice, because he's black"

46 replies

LilacBump · 03/02/2006 13:24

sid, being the black man from cbeebies...
anyway, that's what DD (4.5) told me this morning and i was gobsmacked by her statement. DP and i are very much against racism or any kind of judging on looks etc. i asked her more about it and she went on to tell me that all white people are nice and black people are not. all i could tell her, as i was so shocked by it, was that she should like people for who they are, not because of what they look like. is it best to ignore these statements and just explain it like that?

OP posts:

Auntymandy · 03/02/2006 13:26

None of my children have ever really mentioned people being different colours, so I wouldnt know what to say if that happened!

Turquoise · 03/02/2006 13:27

Where do you think she's got that from? Does she go to nursery?

nailpolish · 03/02/2006 13:28

its maybe something he has heard from his pals, and hes doing it to get a reaction from you.

i honestly dont know what i would do if i were you, i would have a sit-down chat, explain about hurting peoples feelings and how this is wrong, and also try and found out where he heard this

hth

nailpolish · 03/02/2006 13:28

she not he

sorry

Original poster

LilacBump · 03/02/2006 13:29

there's one black boy and a chinese girl in her nursery. i can't see her getting such a view from there, but it's possible i guess.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 03/02/2006 13:30

its not something i would imagine a child to make up, to me it definitely sounds like hes copying some other child at the nursery

Original poster

LilacBump · 03/02/2006 13:32

i might have a word with her teacher at nursery. it's something i never thought i would have to deal with.

OP posts:

krabbiepatty · 03/02/2006 13:33

Is it just unfamiliarity? When DS1 started at his (70% Asian) primary, he said "Why have they all got black faces?" - his montessori nursery had been pretty overwhelmingly white. Now I don't think it would occur to him to mention it - maybe your DD needs to meet a wider variety of children?

Original poster

LilacBump · 03/02/2006 13:37

that's a good point, krabbiepatty (great name!)
our local community is mostly white. at playgroup and nursery she's been around mostly white children. only when we go onto the tram and into the city she sees many people of different colours.

OP posts:

scatterbrain · 03/02/2006 13:38

My dd said something like this and after questioning her she just said that she didn't think black faces were very pretty - so we went through the whole "not judging a book by its cover thing" - and they might be a nice person etc - Now she thinks black faces are beautiful and wishes she had one !

Funny little people aren't they ?

Shame they don't come ready "PCed !"

Original poster

LilacBump · 03/02/2006 13:42

i also told her i think many people with black skin are beautiful.
i just thought... would it be helpful to get her a black doll? or any books that'd be good? she has a few books, like elmer and the rainbow fish, about being different...?

OP posts:

anorak · 03/02/2006 13:46

I don't think you should make a big deal of it, children of that age make all kinds of crazy remarks - they don't understand what they're saying. As long as you calmly correct her she'll soon understand. I'm sure there's nothing sinister going on, I expect it's purely the unfamiliarity as krabbiepatty says.

My ds (5) told me yesterday that it would be quite okay to leave him at home alone because there are no baddies in our village. They just get these ideas into their heads!

crunchie · 03/02/2006 13:48

krabbiepatty your child asking why they have borwn faces is normal, he wasn't judging, he was asking why. Saying black = not nice is v different, whether they have met black people or not.

I do think you need to talk to your child lilac and ask her WHY she she thinks black is not nice. Rather than simply say like people for who they are (although that is vital) you do need to know why she thinks that. I agree that it could have been picked up from nursey, but it could also have been picked up from TV/RADIO where they have or mention a black criminal. You may think she isn't listening/watching, but she easily could have picked up something.

Hallgerda · 03/02/2006 13:52

LilacBump, here is a link for you, especially if your daughter would like an Indian doll with lots of lovely saris!

NotQuiteCockney · 03/02/2006 14:00

My DS1 is about the same age as your DD, and he's never expressed views like this at all. I don't think he's got the idea (yet) that people distinguish groups of people based on skin colour, iyswim.

When he was younger, he had a playmobil toy with two police type men in it, one with black skin, one with white. The black-skinned man had a blue uniform, the white-skinned man had a black one. He called the white-skinned man "the black man", as more of him was black, iyswim.

Unless they're told that we call people of African descent "black people" (which they're not, they're shades of brown), they see skin colour as equivalent to hair colour or eye colour.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/02/2006 14:01

Um, sorry, my point was, your DD is hearing this from somewhere. Nursery? Friends? Grandparents?

Mascaraohara · 03/02/2006 14:05

Agree would be concerned about where she heard it but wouldn't make a big deal about it. Would just reinforce the fact that everybody is the same regardless of the colour of their skin.

It does sound like a very 'adult' way of making such a statement perhaps she may have just overheard an adult conversation?

I don't suppose it's something you expect a child to say, I'm not surprised you were caught off guard!

Prufrock · 03/02/2006 14:34

I think you need to find out why she thinks this as well, and then you can tell her that it is wrong.

DD was watching Fireman Sam the other day and asked why the Fireman was black - I launched into my prepared PC answerabout some people having different coloured skin but it not being something we should judge on, and she withereringly stopped me saying, "No Mummy not their faces, their coats - they shoudl be yellow!"

Issymum · 03/02/2006 14:52

I think that any number of things can be going on here. At about 4.5yo DD1 became very aware that she (Vietnamese), I (pink Caucasian), DH (olive Caucasian) and DD2 (Cambodian and darker skinned than DD1) all had quite different skin tones. For a while she claimed that she was the same colour as me, even though she knew it was not true. She then highlighted that DD2 was darker than her and there was definitely a qualitative edge to her comments - DD2 is darker and darker is not so good. That qualitative edge has gone, although she is still very careful to get exactly the right colour pen/paint to represent each of our skin tones. For DD1 I think that all of this was around the fact that the authoritative people in her life (DH, me, our nanny and her teachers) are all white and she is obviously going to try to identify herself with those people. It will take a lot of intellectual and emotional maturity and very careful persuasion and handling from us for her to grasp that skin-tone is not, or should not be an identifying factor.

ScummyMummy · 03/02/2006 14:55

fantastic post issymum. ime kids are very aware of skin colour and identity is intertwined. Not unhealthy per se if handled well.

madmarchhare · 03/02/2006 15:00

Do you think it would be of any use to tell them why skin colour varies?

anorak · 03/02/2006 15:00

By golly Issymum, I think you've got it!

Wise words.

prettybird · 03/02/2006 15:07

We have a variant of this: ds (5) is at a school which is predominantly Asian. Two of the three other boys he plays with are white and the third is half black. There is a wee boy who we have been asked by the school to discourage ds from playing with as the two together become disruptive. Unfortunately the other boy is muslim, so it could look like we were being racist.

Ds I don't think has any concept of racism: in fact he thinks of himself as "brown" becasue he is very olive skinned (defintiely a ship wrecked Spaniard somewhere in dh's Scottish heritage! )

Issymum · 03/02/2006 17:24

Anorak/ScummyMummy: Thank you

The tough question for us is how to provide DD1 some 'authority figures' or role models that aren't white and aren't CBeebies presenters. Once the girls are old enough to accept relatively unknown baby-sitters, I have a cunning plan to hire lots of confident, bright and lovely SE Asian students from Surrey University (very high percentage of SE Asian students) as holiday time/evening sitters for the DDs to fall in love with!

charliecat · 03/02/2006 17:31

Does anyone remember on Child of Our Time that the 4 year old picked the darker skin children out as the Naughty Children and the lighter skinned children out as the Good Children?
IIRC it was something to do with advertising stereotypes, thought it was worth a mention.
My 4 YO dd noticed that dispy from the teletubbies had dark skin like her cousin and asked why her friend had dirty skin

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