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Original poster

DD1 insists she's not pretty!!!!

26 replies

Babyblue2 · 26/12/2005 10:44

My dd1 (2.9 yrs)insists she's not pretty, beautiful, clever or any other word that describes her in a positive way. We've always given her praise and encouragement but now if ever we say anything in the positive she screams that she's not. Its getting to the point now that when she's expecting us to say something positive, she says "i'm not pretty/beautiful/clever/good girl" and works herself up into a right state. We've occassionally agreed with her which does shut her up, but there are times when she doesn't. I've never heard of such strange behaviour and its really getting us down. We sometimes forget not to praise her and it slips out which sparks such a tantrum. Help!!!! PS She also hates having anyone touch her hair etc, we can't brush it without the entire village hearing her screaming. More help!!!

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Melpomene · 26/12/2005 11:00

Instead of saying that she's good/clever etc, try to praise by giving a more specific description of her behaviour e.g "well done, you completed that puzzle all by yourself" "what a tall tower you've built" "that was kind to let [friend's name] have a turn with the doll - you're being very good at sharing today". If you're describing something specific like that then it's hard for her to deny it.

tensing · 26/12/2005 11:00

Oh yes, been there done this with 3 out of my 4.

My advice, is if she doesn't like being told she is pretty etc, then just don't mention it, or find a differant way to say it. I wouldn't agree with her that she is not pretty, as she will almost certainly remember this and use it against you in the future, (my daughter remembers my aunt describing her as boring when she was little, she still holds it against her and she is 11 now).

As for hair touching, my son 5 needs to have 4 people to have his haircut, DP cuts it, I hold his head still, eldest daughter holds his hands still and eldest son reads to him and on occasions hilds his feet still.

No real advice other than hang in there and try to find ways that work for your daughter, I can now comb my sons hair, but only if I tell him I am checking for bugs (nits).

thecattleareALOHing · 26/12/2005 11:51

I honestly think children have very sensitive heads. I remember hair brushing being agony sometimes and it certainly isn't now!
Agree with praising her actions not herself, iykwim.
Have heard of this before and don't think it is that unusual.

twirlingaroundthechristmastree · 26/12/2005 12:29

Is praise accepted from other people?
If so you could set up a lot of situations where she will get positive f/back from others - eg giving someone a drawing.

Maybe that would help her self-image?

FairyTaleinNewYork · 26/12/2005 12:52

my 3yr old is like this as well, only recently she has accepted complments, before if anyone said' your pretty' she'd reply 'no i lauren'

SecondhandRose · 26/12/2005 13:37

My DD says the same, she is just 7 and is one of the first of the girls in her year to already have her 2nd teeth at the front as most of them still have their baby teeth so she feels very different and thinks she looks strange.

When we saw the Lion, Witch & Wardrobe she was so happy to see that "Lucy Pevensie has teeth just like mine". Aah.

Original poster
Babyblue2 · 26/12/2005 15:24

Thanks for your comments. No she won't accept compliments from people, but thinking about it, she does receive a lot of attention because she has curly hair. People stop us in the street and think its their god given right to stroke her hair commenting on what beautiful hair she's got and isn't she like Shirley Temple so I suppose she could be sick of it. Its more frustrating because she starts saying she's not pretty even though we've not said anything so its out of the blue and then we have to deal with full scale tantrum because how do you answer it. I try and ignore the situation and try and change the subject/distract her, but she's still going on about it 30 mins later.

OP posts:
Tortington · 26/12/2005 15:27

maybe its a way to get attention. i would focus on specifics like what a good picture or what a good helper etc

Original poster
Babyblue2 · 12/02/2006 20:40

Hi. You'll see from below that this is a ressurected old post. After taking on board comments left last time, we're still struggling and although DD went quiet for a couple of weeks, she's really got quite hysterical over the last week or so. For example, we can all be sat watching tv or she's on the loo or something and all of a sudden there are major tears and screams of 'i'm not pretty mummy'. I ignore it and the screams and tears get worse, as if its like a real fear. I tell her she's called Amy and she settles. She's also got this thing about saying 'big and open (door), hallway light on', when she goes to bed, but now its all amalgamating and the big fit starts by saying 'i'm not pretty, big and open, hallway light on'. I know this may sound funny and I am smiling as i'm typing this, but i'm honestly wondering whether DD is nuts. Despite suggestions of praising her actions etc. if she's in the wrong frame of mind, she will not accept any form of praise whatsoever. This is starting to become a real issue, esp for DH who really struggles to see DD so wound up about something so silly (in our eyes). If anyone has any further advice, i'd be pleased to hear it.

OP posts:
dinny · 12/02/2006 20:56

sounds like she thinks you are confusing her about her identity, sense of self. she sounds very worried you are saying "You are Pretty", and she's insisting that she isn't Pretty, she's Amy. Think it's really as literal as that. Remember dd saying similar - if I said "You're clever" she's say "I'm not, I'm XXX".

sounds like normal behaviour for a young child trying to determine her identity and how she fits into a large and confusing world around her.

dinny · 12/02/2006 20:57

ie. she doesn't understand that you are describing her as pretty, she thinks you are telling her she isn't Amy, iyswim.

try and rephrase any prase. how about saying "your smile is beautiful" etc.

fedupofhearingit · 12/02/2006 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hercules · 12/02/2006 21:02

can someone please get this evil bitch banned.

Original poster
Babyblue2 · 12/02/2006 21:09

dinny - I understand exactly what you're saying and I know thats that what she's thinking. Its just the total out of the blue randomness thats starting to become the problem and the enormity of the tears and shouting (from her) that comes with it. There is no way that anyone can mention the words beautiful/pretty etc for fear of full scale war.

OP posts:
misdee · 12/02/2006 21:12

just to say, i have seen that comment, and to have a go at a child is the lowest of the low. you will suffer in the end cowbag.

Original poster
Babyblue2 · 12/02/2006 21:16

Obviously a disturbed person. Best ignored. Anyway back to the post......

OP posts:
rickman · 12/02/2006 21:17

Message withdrawn

Socci · 12/02/2006 21:21

Message withdrawn

Socci · 12/02/2006 21:21

Message withdrawn

rickman · 12/02/2006 21:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Babyblue2 · 12/02/2006 21:43

Sorry, I have to re-resurrect my post so i'm copying my query again after the post was hijacked by psycho feduphearingit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyblue2 · 12/02/2006 21:44

Hi. You'll see from below that this is a ressurected old post. After taking on board comments left last time, we're still struggling and although DD went quiet for a couple of weeks, she's really got quite hysterical over the last week or so. For example, we can all be sat watching tv or she's on the loo or something and all of a sudden there are major tears and screams of 'i'm not pretty mummy'. I ignore it and the screams and tears get worse, as if its like a real fear. I tell her she's called Amy and she settles. She's also got this thing about saying 'big and open (door), hallway light on', when she goes to bed, but now its all amalgamating and the big fit starts by saying 'i'm not pretty, big and open, hallway light on'. I know this may sound funny and I am smiling as i'm typing this, but i'm honestly wondering whether DD is nuts. Despite suggestions of praising her actions etc. if she's in the wrong frame of mind, she will not accept any form of praise whatsoever. This is starting to become a real issue, esp for DH who really struggles to see DD so wound up about something so silly (in our eyes). If anyone has any further advice, i'd be pleased to hear it.

OP posts:
jambuttie · 13/02/2006 21:54

what happened with fedupofhearingit???

was she nasty

Original poster
Babyblue2 · 13/02/2006 22:14

Yes she was and in the process hijacked my post so if anyone can give me any advice over my problem.......

OP posts:
itsdday · 14/02/2006 09:03

I don't know wether it is relevant but I had white shirley temple hair and deep blue eyes and I have very specific memories of people putting their faces in mine and telling me I was this and that and touching me. I have grown up very well adjusted but DO NOT like people in my personal space.Maybe if people do try to touch her stop them before they get near I know I wish my Mum did.