What would you do with your ds if he threatened someone with a knife?

[QueensSpeechEagle]

I don't quite know how to deal with this. ds2 (aged 9, almost 10) is very occasionally pretty volatile. This morning he was arguing with ds1 (nothing unusual there) and pulled a large bread knife out of the drawer and threatened him that he would stab him.

Obviously I read the riot act to him but he (worryingly) focuses on what ds1 had done to him and the fact he pulled a knife doesn't seem to bother him. This isn't the first time he has threatened something like this and I am now starting to worry for him and about him.

Other worrying things are that he doesn't seem to realise when he is upsetting others and finds it hard to make friends, he will stand right up close to you fiddling with your buttons, he can be very hyper at times and punishments don't bother him.

Speaking with dh about this, we wonder if it is something that we should seek professional help with. But where and who would I go to? Am I over reacting?

Have you spoken to the school about his bahaviour, what do they observe?

We went to his parents' evening to be told that he does lots of little silly irritating things to other kids but nothing worse than that. He has only been there since Septemebr though.

At his previous school his last report said things like: Is dangerous to himself and other during PE. Always aggravating other kids and then when they react, ds will explode with rage and indignation.

Now he is getting older, he is starting to really concern me.

I do think this sounds important enough to look into. I think a trip to your GP (you don't have to take your ds) and ask for an assessment or go through the school. I think it's wise to address this before the teenage years. In the meantime, I'd think about giving him fish oils.

Can't give him fish oils - he's a very strict vegetarian.

Do you think the GP will send him to see a psych? Bloody hell, what have I done for him to be like this?

My brother was exactly like this. I remember being frightened of him even though I adored him and he had a heart of gold underneath. He would do odd things like bursting into laughter during formal occasions and finding particular words/phrases disproportionately funny - it drove my mum mad (and he broke into giggles whenever he was being told off). He was also volatile, unpredictable and could be really violent. However as he got older it was obvious he wasn't a mindless thug, he was a really sensitive and bright boy who got very nervous (hence the giggling) and flew off the handle. What worked was learning a martial art (obviously to channel aggression, but also he was really good at it and it boosted him confidence) and relaxation - making sure he had peaceful times to wind down in the evening, plenty of sleep and my mum tried to talk to him a lot more and give him the opportunity to share any problems (not that I'm suggesting you don't already talk to your DS, but my mum was going through other stuff and wasn't always as attentive)

Good luck whether this helps or not, you are obviously really committed to sorting him out and I'm sure you will

QE - don't think like that - it won't be you - but it does sound as if he has difficulty with controlling himself. In all honbesty, given everything you describe, I think I would seek an outside opinion, as Aloha suggests. If there is somehting that can be very easily resolved, better do it now, on the stitch in time principle!

Don't blame yourself! My ds has dyspraxia which has quite a few symptoms in common with Aspergers and he has no idea of personal space, leans heavily on people, is very impulsive (but also very gentle) and it is nothing to do with me at all - it's the way he is.
btw if you can't give him fish oils, try flax oil for similar omega3s in vegetarian form. Can be very good for some childen with behavioural problems.

they may suggest family therapy

Hi QSE, I'm a regular poster but have changed my name for this.
My DS did this to someone who threatened him and after much ranting from me and dh still did not appear to understand the potential consequences of his actions. I told him that if he ever did that again, I would call the police, and whats more I would have done! This was one of many things he did before and during his time in therapy at our local hospital. For years we kept telling ourselves that he would simply grow out of it - but we were wrong, kids like this don't grow out of it, the behavour just escalates!
I would seriously recommend that you take him to your GP and ask for a referal to a child and family unit and get him and you some help.
After (nearly) two years in therapy I am delighted to report that my DS is a reformed child - very rarely do we experience any violent tantrums that he regularly had - this is partly down the work WE had to do as a family to control his behaviour. For the first time in his life, he is less distructive, less hyper, more considerate of others and does understand the consequences of his actions! Although I try and understand that he doesn't always see the world like we do, I don't take any crap from him anymore!! For your own sanity get some help BEFORE he becomes a teenager. HTH

He does football, plays at weekends and trains during the week. He gets very frustrated when he doesn't win, will hack people down and then just walk away without helping them up, but knowing they are hurt.

He uses bad language a lot and always blames other people - he is never wrong. He has some slight psychopathic tendencies (in that he doesn't feel guilty about things he has done wrong). Is his behaviour suggestive of Aspergers do you think?

Oh and never blame yourself, the most perfect parents even have kids with behavioural problems

my sister done this to me when she was 9yrs old (im 4yrs older than her) she kept doing this and when i told my mother she didnt believe me until one day she did it to my mum. There was no punishment and even now my sister is 15 she still threatens to do it does not see anything wrong doing it and finds it very funny. I now am totally petrified of knives.
Dont look at this situation as a parent but how both your kids where feeling before and after. The child that pulled the knife prob won't feel any different but your other child may be feeling quite worried. good luck with your decisions.

You must be very worried about him. I would go to your gp or go through the school to get some help for him. Definately before the teenage hormone kick in.

can I also add that you have to think about your other children and how his behaviour effects them - my other two were terrified of DS most of the time and refused to go anywhere with him or play with him - because they knew sooner or later he'd kick off

Thanks for that myDSdidthistoo. My ds isn't like this every day, we don't have an ongoing problem, he is not an out of control child. In fact most of the time he is easy going, up for a laugh, great fun - but he does have this dark side.

I sometimes wonder if I am blowing things up out of proportion BUT if he can do this now at age 9, I worry what he might be capable of when he is 13/14/15.

can I also add that you have to think about your other children and how his behaviour effects them - my other two were terrified of DS most of the time and refused to go anywhere with him or play with him - because they knew sooner or later he'd kick off

Agree about the other not wanting to have him tagging along. When he is with me or dh he is well behaved but when he goes to the park with my older 2 he spits, swears, acts up and ruins the game etc etc. I only get to hear about what he is REALLY like when the others grass him up.

He must know what he is doing though if he can switch it on and off.

btw I have phoned the school and his teacher is going to phone me back. I will ask him about his general behaviour. I have also made an appointment with my gp (on my own) tomorrow morning to see what he suggests.

My DS was the same, the laugh a minute, cracking jokes child, fun, sporty, (reasonably) popular child with friends. He certainly was far from being out of control - well at first. But I can sincerely say that our refusal to deal with the 'few' outbursts meant that in the long run he ended up having 'loads' of outbursts and his behaviour became more extreme to meet the attention he wanted - even though he got lots of it and certainly more than his brothers. I don't want to lecture you, it's your decision - but if someone in the playground told you that their DS threatened a sibling with a knife, wouldn't you advise them to get help. BTW my DS only ever threatened to do things, he never actually carried them out - he just had to kind of be in control IYSWIM

QSE, glad that you've made an appt with the GP and I hope you can get the right advice. The wait to see a family therapist might be a long one (a year or so) - but tell them about the knife situation - this might get you an urgent referal. Good luck

This will be so embarrassing but I know I have to swallow my pride on this one. I fostered for years and have had to sit in on Family Therapy sessions so I know a little of what to expect. I guess it will be very different on the other side of the fence.

QSE are you your ds's birth mother? sorry, don't want to be nosey but thought that might answer some questions IYSWIM

Yes, yes I am. Sorry if that last post was confusing.....I fostered other kids for over 10 years since before ds2 was born. All his life up until about 2 years ago I have always had kids placed with me. Some have been very aggressive and violent - I now wonder whst the impact on him has been. Although having said that, my older 2 are ok and they have always known fostered kids staying with us too.

Am bumping this for the wise afternooners.

Ever thought of community bobby having a chat with him, you could explain the situation about his behaviour, maybe he could give a stiff word.

Yes I guess that could be a possiblity, doormat. I'm still thinking on how to best deal with this tbh.