Siblings - are their toys common property?

[elliott]

I have two ds's aged 4 and 2 and I'm wondering how to deal with toy 'ownership' - particularly coming up to christmas when they are about to get a whole new flood of toys.
Up until now, pretty much everything we have was originally bought for ds1, and as ds2 has grown into it we have just sort of assumed that it will become common property and he will be able to play with it (there are rare exceptions like soft toys, but that's about it). This doesn't seem to be much of an issue for ds1, but I have a nagging feeling that its not really fair on either of them. For one thing, I can always think of lots more stuff I want to buy for ds1 (because he's older, can do more things, and I don't have it already!) so he gets more (or bigger) things bought for him, but then is expected to share them. Ds2 on the other hand, doesn't have much that was bought specifically for him at all.
So I just wondered how people dealt with this, and especially around Christmas when I'm not sure whether to buy some joint presents, and how to deal with the sharing of individual presents.
Over to mumsnet collective experience!

Speaking as the oldest child of three...toys are MOST DEFINITELY NOT common property

(Except the boring ones I'd grown out of, obv )

Only have 1 ds but from my own childhood I would say do buy separate presents! I think they are probably getting to the age when this is going to be an issue.

Of course they will get individual presents, but I do wonder about the wisdom of that when it is a big thing that they will certainly be expected to share (I mean, it would be crazy to buy two big tubs of lego or have two train tracks...)

Oh, things like that, fine - more fun to share lego and trains IMO.

It wasn't really an issue for me as a child because I was the youngest by a reasonable margin and the only girl - so I had lots of stuff just for me as well as loads handed down from the boys. But I think there were also a lot of things that were definitely accepted as common property.
Maybe I'd better ask my brothers

My dd is 5 yo and my ds is 3 yo. I am buying them the same amount of pressies but quite a few will be sharable. I have games which they will hve to share otherwise they can't play them I bought ds Junior Operation but he is probably a bit young yet so if dd helps him with it would be good all round as she gets to play with it and he gets a lesson in sharing

My dd's are four and two, they share more or less all toys apart from the ones which are too fiddly for dd2 yet. Their christmas presents will be things that they can both play with - a wooden train track (dd1 really wanted that one!), an electronic keyboard, a trunk with dress up clothes, some mega bloks stuff.
Don't really want to go down the "mine and yours" route until they really really insist on it, which they don't at all at the moment.

pinotmum, I think one issue with same gender siblings is that virtually everything is potentially shareable once the younger is old enough. That's why I feel a bit bad about it - because virtually everything we have was once ds1's but has now become both of theirs.
Or am I just making a problem where there isn't one?

I think we have seperate toys because we have a bigger age gap - they will be 4.10 and 1.7 at Christmas and also a boy and a girl. But DD has loads of stuff (mainly handmedowns) that she just totally ignores and is always tootling off into DS's room and playing with his stuff. DS is the worst for snatching though - he just can't let DD do anything for herself.

I would say that things like the lego/train track go for joint. But also get them individual toys and expect DS1 to be a bit more precious over his new toys until the novelty wears off.

Also, how on earth do you think of things to buy the younger sibling without toy overload reaching new extremes? I am really struggling to know what to get ds2 (doesn't help that both birthdays are this time of year too!) I could get him stuff that he is too young for (so its really more for ds1, unfair again....) or things that we have already got for ds1 (we will have 2 farm sets for example!)

I think it important for children to have some items which belong to them alone.

I think thigs like lego can be shared, but maybe if a train set belongs to one child, then the other can't play with it without asking first. This also encourages the children to respect each others property, and to learn the idea of sharing.

Once something like this is out on the floor, then naturally it is sort of common property. Oh, and if they both play with it, they both help to put it away afterwards.

I have 5 yr old twin sons and 8 yrold daughter.

I did a lot of research on twins and something that always stuck in my mind and that I agreed with was the phrase

"how can a twin learn to share if they done't actually have something that is their own to share"

This was obvioulsy written for bulk buying of toys and them being for "the twins" (a phrase that was banned fromday one in our house).

Each of our children have their own toys and if they want to play with anothers toys they have to ask first.

Now they all play really well and respect each others things.

hope this helps

I don't think it will probably matter too much this year, but as they get older they should develop different interests, and then it will be obvious which toys/games/books etc are special to them. But prepare to be surprised as to what they get into. I have just picked up my old dollshouse thinking that dd(%) might like to play with it. However ds (6) has made it very clear that it is for both of them. I'm glad it wasn't a Christmas present! However my two are usually only possessive for the first few weeks, and their special toys (Barbies/train set) don't really interest the other one. But then they are different genders!

Oops - obviously dd is 5 not a percentage mark!

Nooka, love the fact that your ds likes the dolls house.

My ds's (6 y.o) current favourite thing is the polly pocket collection that belongs to his chilminders daughter. He uses his imagination well playing in a 'little world'.

The twins point is very interesting. I think it's a good idea if they do have some toys of their own, as well as shared toys.

Did ds1 really have every toy it is possible for a child to have? There must be something he doesn't have you can get for ds2? Or something that wasn't around when ds1 was his age?

Interesting thread! I am a middle child, recently had following conversations re toy ownership: a) with older sister - me: 'oh look, my Ant and Bee book!' sister: 'NO that was mine first, so its still mine' and b) younger brother me:'oh look, my old kodak camera' brother: 'NO I had it after you, so its mine!'.

Hmmm...perhaps I should have posted on the 'middle child' thread...

I'm glad to see this thread, because I have been wondering the same thing. Like yours Elliott my DS (nearly 2) and DD (just 4) also have birthdays (Nov and Jan) so it all happens at once.
So far as sharing toys goes, I have decided to enforce a general expectation of sharing. ATM we rub along so that either child can pick up and play with anything, but I make a point of saying to DS 'that's DD's special thing, you be careful with that' and he happily comments 'DD's doll/teddy' or whatever and will relinquish it as soon as she asks. I have also marked out a drawer for DD to keep her treasures, and if she seems to want me to, I will keep DS away from there and whatever she puts in it. So I will let her set the territory, and do the same for DS who on past form is likely to copy whatever she says even if he doesn't initially grasp the idea.
So far as new toys are concerned, I really dislike the idea of consuming just for the sake of it, and find it very unattractive to get a newer version of things we've already got - but have also felt tempted to do just that because I want to get things specifically for DS (the younger one). I am also finding myself picking out 'boys toys' as a way of differentiating, so keep finding myself picking up cars/fire engines etc when in truth what he really likes is putting dollies to bed, making 'tea' and playing with the dolls house that was DD's present last year.
So I have now come round to thinking about it like this. We have a lot of toys in our house. When DD or DS wants to play with a specific kind of toy, chances are we have something to fit the bill which they will be able to find. Separately, there are 'special treasures' which are more individually owned, and these sort of emerge from the mass. I think there is a distinction between ownership and sharing - ie that is 'her' toy, but she must always let him play with it, and may not refuse him access to it (as long as it isn't a special one).I will keep on teaching both children to respect the special things of the other, but I will also expect them to share everything that isn't special like that. They are close enough still to get pleasure out of the same sorts of things, so until their interests diverge, DS doesn't need duplicates.
To balance things up, I would propose to wrap up a 'big' present in the name of each of them, but both are to be shared. The 'big' presents will be things that they can each still get pleasure from, but then the 'accessories' can make a difference. This year there will be a Playmobil big set, and possibly a castle; then I will differentiate by giving Dd some fairy tale figures involving princesses and fairies which won't really interest DS. DS could have some plastic animals, or whatever we can reasonably add to. So far as smaller stuff is concerned, i think the trick is to look at it overall - ie after all the Father Christmas/grandparents gifts are tallied up, to make them feel that each of them has had the same amount of satisfaction - this does not by any means equal the same amount of expenditure.

same problem, same sexes, same age gap, bit younger so not really an issue yet.
Something seem to be basics, and for sharing and some are special thigns and owned. eg train set, track, basic cheapo trains from Tesco etc will be shared items. Expensive Thomas the Tank Engine trains are 'owned'.
DS2 is likely to be given a lot of things for christmas which are formerly owned by DS1. Reckon it's the last yr we'll do that, but there is no way I'm buying a 2nd wooden ride on trike.

thanks for the comments - especially hovely, I think I'm aiming for something similar - some 'special things' that are clearly demarcated and some that are expected to be shared.
It isn't helped by our generally disorganised attitude to toy storage - how can they have their own special things if they are just in a general heap in a box - so will try to incorporate some seperate storage when we reorganise things after the christmas flood....
My ground rules really are that things given to each one should remain theirs to decide to share, but most of the 'inherited' stuff (i.e. hand me downs or things that were ds1's before ds2 was born) is common property.

My ds and dd are 3 1/2 and 2.3 so they share everything (apart from cuddly toys which usually stay in their beds). We have bought them a toy cooker as a big joint present and then smaller bits and pieces which will probably end up as common property as I've banned more soft toys!

One thing that annoys me (and slightly changing the subject, sorry) is that MIL always buys a present for the child whose birthday it isn't (she thinks they'll get upset). I hate this a) because they have enough toys as it is, b) they both have a birthday, so it's not like they won't get their turn, and c) because it completely confuses them as to whose present is whose because their not old enough to understand. Very much hope she stops doing this as they get older. After all, I don't get a present on DH's birthday!!

But Elliott, isn't that exactly the problem? The toys that were ds1's before Ds2 came along were once given to him (DS1), weren't they? and then they transmute into being 'common property'.
maybe it's more a consequnce of the ages of the children. I am pretty sure that DD has forgotten that she ever laid claim to most of the toys that are now more suitable for ds's age. Her memory is fairly short so she doesn't have any issues about it. In any event, if she wants to play with them, there they are, to be played with.

ds1 is 10 and ds2 is 6. They have their own toys and stuff in their own rooms that they have to ask the others permission to play with and then they have some shared toys too, like a huge box of cars, i merged both boys boxes of cars together and said they then belonged to both.