whinging 14month old with temper tantrums - am I expecting too much?

[Pebs]

Our 14 month old DS has always been clingy but has recently started whinging ALL the time at home. He is great for a few mins if distracted with a new game to play but is soon crying which leads to screaming and clinging to trousers etc. DH doesn't find this as much of a problem as he plays with him but ofcourse I have chores that have to be done at the same time and this is when the whinging starts. I spend lots of quality time with DS on his own and he is great but as soon as I turn my back or stand up to start the tea then the whining starts, followed by screaming when I don't sit back down with him. I distract him for a few mins and then even that won't work. I then try to ignore it but he gets worse, usually until I shout or cry myself (neither of which help!). I feel guilty for trying to unpack the shopping, doing the ironing and cooking meals as DS is walking around the house screaming. Can I do anything else to help him to be more content to be by himself for short periods or is distraction and ignoring the right way to go? Am I expecting too much of him? Friends kids are not anywhere near this demanding. This constant whinging is driving me up the wall!!!

Welcome to my world! Jess is the same age and on top of all that im about to drop baby number 2 any minute!!!

Sorry, hope someone else can help!

jessicaand bumpsmummy - you must be insane!!! Good luck!

yep probably!!!

hoping she is jsut crabby because she senses a big change..... fingers crossed anyway!

She is usually a really happy little girl

We've just had this at 14 months, then realised some back teeth had appearred and as soon as they were all through she went back to normal. Could this be it?

I wish it was but he's got all 4 molars through. Is distracting/ignoring the right way to go?

hi pebs, wow. you could be writing about me and my son, who is 15 months now.
i spoke to my HV the other day. (well i called her up in tears and asked her to come around.)

does your ds play on his own? with a book or toy or anything? when my HV was here the other day, she saw how my son acts (cries to be picked up, etc) and even though i was trying hard to ignore it, i couldnt. then after a few minutes, ds would go off to find a toy and play. my HV sugguested that when ds is playing on his own, quietly, then go and give him some attention and maybe with time, ds wont be so demanding for attention when i am busy or sitting down, etc.

do you go to any mom/toddler groups? are you ever away from ds during the day for a little while? i know i am expecting too much when i expect ds to know why i am not picking him up. a friend of mine (whose daughter is 18 months) sugguested just using a simple phrase like 'not now' and getting down to their level when saying it. i am yet to try this though. (i plan to though.)

its hard, i know! my friends kids are mostly quiet and rarely shout like my son does.

have a chat with your HV or GP. it may help...

good luck..and hang in there... you are definitely NOT ALONE. ..

DS is almost 13 months and has always been like this, I honestly dont know how other mums do things like get tea cooked and the washing out. My ds is non mobile so I usually end up having him on my hip most of the day, putting him down when doing something dangerous like moving hot things from oven etc. It is so draining. I am doing the try to distract and short periods of letting him scream and reassuring him while I do something and lots of praise when he does play for a few minutes. I think this is all you can do at this age, good luck and if you come up with any miracle cures let me know.

DD definitely went through a stage like this and it seemed to last forever. It started when she turned 1 and I remember thinking "What has happened to my chilled and placid baby???"
I have an older child as well and at times I just had to leave DD crying while I cooked his tea otherwise I would have both of them at it.
Things got worse when we went on a long trip to see my parents in the UK ... when DD was 16 months but definitely started to improve at 18 months. She is now 20 months and although is doing well on the tantrum front she is not permanently whingey like she was before.
I think it was a mixture between frustration with not being able to communicate whilst knowing what she wanted (she is really going forward with her speech now so she can tell me sort of what she wants), teething, beginning to realise she wasn't a part of me, and of course the upheaval of travelling for 6 weeks.
I definitely think it is a stage and that it will get better ....
HTH

Agree with ghosty - ds went through this phase for 2 or 3 months at 15 mo. It was a complete pia. But i just left most chores till he was napping or sleeping - or he 'helped' me with some - like handing me the pegs when putting the washing our or handing me the cutlery from the dishwasher. or could sit him on the couch with a bowl of fiddly things like raisins or a chunk of french stick - that would keep him occupied for 10 mins or so.
THEN he discovered Dora the Explorer and now I can leave him for as long as its on!
But I think it is just a phase they go through. Get organised with quick meals so that you aren't in the kitchen for long - ds used to hang onto my trousers and get too near the hob etc. So I just used v. quick microwave type reheats to get him out of the kitchen quickly.

DS does play for short periods by himself and ofcourse I praise him for it until I'm blue in the face. The "not now" phrase sounds good and I'll def. try that one. The helping Mummy with the chores thing is good too but only helps for a bit before the screaming starts again.
The frustration with not being able to communicate properly rings a bell with me and, yowlingmonster, I bet your DS with be lots better when he can get about by himself. It is so emotionally draining but it helps to hear that it is probably a phase. It's a relief to hear that other mums are having the same probs and that it's not just me not coping. Any more tips to see us all through?

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do you have any other children, Pebs? (i assume you stay at home too?) if it gets to be too much, maybe just go out for a walk. thats what we do. its a good distraction, even if just for 10 or 15 minutes. if he is walking on his own, maybe take him out without a pushchair (we do this a lot, which is why i love our toddler reigns!)
you are not alone.. and sometimes there is comfort, however small, in knowing that.

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No Lunarx, I don't have any more kids and after this I don't think that we will be! which is a shame as I would love DS to have a sibling. I wasn't planning on going back to work but think that in the long run it may help him to be less clingy and dependent. I'm still praying that it's a phase to get thru but if it's not, I might try leaving him regularly with a friend or Grandma in the hopes that he eventually gets more confidence this way. I'll have to be feeling strong to do that!
Music and walking on reigns certainly gives me 5 or 10 mins peace but they are only for short periods. I guess I should be thankful that he is OK for this long and stop whinging myself! I really feel for you meggymoo. It must be awful to actually see your DS deliberately harming himself to get your attention. He obviously knows that it will work. I hope my DS doesn't figure this out!

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sounds like he's trying to communicate and get involved. have you tried just before you have to get the tea ready etc. to say to him whats about to happen? maybe say 'mummy is going to have a lovely cuddle with you then its going to be time to make the tea'. then short explanation maybe of what you are going to make, the ingredients needed. could you get him a little mini cooking/tea set and let him only use it at that time of the day. let him use water to make soup, playdoh to roll sausages spare bits of dried pasta. tell him how delicious it is etc. i found with ds2 the tantrums disappeared when i let him get involved in things. he started crying when i changed his nappy then when i realised i said in an upbeat voice 'nappy change time' and gradually over the next few days we established a new ritual where he went to get his nappy change mat, wipes and nappy then i had to wait until he lay down on the mat and let him hold the wipes and nappy and then ask him for each item. they want independence and lots of conversation and encouragement during this phase. could you let him cook parallel to you with a safety gate seperating you so he can still see you and talk. its a bit of a balancing act as you are trying to do your thing at the same time but once they feel involved they are so proud. with the ironing - i don't know if you can get away without using one? i've never had an iron and most of the creases drop out in a short while(life is just too short for ironing - i have 3 ds's under 6) when you are putting shopping away could you let him put some of the things away? maybe give him his own bag with non-eatables ie.kitchen rolls to put away in a cupboard. short explanation of what is called and where it goes and what mummy needs to do and lots of praise.

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hi again pebs, you sound like me not wanting another one, but i think this is a stage and it will pass. and besides they do say no two children are alike! i would like ds to have a sibling too someday (ahhh!) but not until he is potty-trained. leaving your son with his grandma is a good idea and if you can start doing it now, you should really. (i dont have any close relatives to be able to do that with unfortunately, or i would!)

excellent ideas shrub!! my ds plays up when being changed! i will try your suggestions!!

i agree that a lot of it is them wanting to be independent. my ds will hold his beaker on his own, but wont let me hold it up to his mouth.

i agree too that life is too short for ironing;)

I already try to get DS as involved as poss. and this works for about 10 mins and then he gets sick of it again and starts whinging. I feel as if I'm spending half the day walking on egg shells and desperately trying to keep him in a good mood and when all this effort doesn't work, I blow my stack. Guess I need to learn to be more patient. He is only expressing himself in the only way he knows how to.

i hear you Pebs, i really need to work on being more patient! have you talked to your HV about your concerns? she may be able to offer some suggestions too..
its rough because we often feel we are spending our entire days entertaining our children (which can lead to some negative feelings)- do you have any other friends around with toddlers? sometimes i find that if i just sit with ds and play with him on the floor with whatever toy he has, he is soo happy for it and then generally does not whinge for attention. reading to him too is great fun.
remember to pat yourself on the back when you dont blow up something i do on bad days is make a list of anything positive from the day, however small is may be. something to look back on at the end of the day when all you might be doing is dwelling on the rest of the sh*t that went on..

Yeah, you have got to be positive while you can and remember the good bits. There is never any praise or thanks for this mothering lark and I guess you have to congratulate yourself on the good days and learn from the bad ones. In a perfect life, ofcourse!

Pebs, this is a common problem. Check out programs like Supernanny or Little Angels or other tv programs that deal with parenting tips.

At 14mo your ds should be able to be calm and reasonable most of the time (provided he is not ill/teething etc). If the problem relates to while you are in the kitchen, can you get him something to do in the kitchen? Does he like to play with noisey pots and pans? Does he like to pour water from a jug into a cup (and back again)? Does he like to sit on the sink and fiddle with the taps? (with you nearby to ensure no falling off). I found all of the above really captured ds's attention when I was in the kitchen, and this helped to let him get on with his playing while I cook. I also let him "help" me (stir things etc - even if I had to put some flour in a bowl of water for him to stir and tell him he was "helping") and then give him a cup of water which he stirs endlessly. Let him help unpack the shopping. Sometimes my ds likes to unpack some of my groceries from my cupboard. It keeps him busy, and I can get on with my cooking, then he "helps" me repack the cupboard at the end.

Problem is that if you are picking them up all the time, then they will continue the behaviour because they get a "reward" for it (that is, your attention).

So I suggest, get him involved if possible, or distract/ignore if you can. Otherwise, you need to get tough by introducing time out (even if only for 30 seconds or so). Explain clearly why you are putting him in timeout (I need you to stop whining), and what to do to avoid timeout (there is no time out when you are happy and smiling). Of course, the alternative is just to put up with the behaviour.

My ds never went through a phase like this, although I am sure he would love to whine for days on end if we let him. He is now 2.5yo. Every now and then he gets a bit whiney, and we tell him that is not allowed in our house. We have used timeout since he was a year old. He has not had to have much timeout, but he knows that whining does not get him anything good (no attention or anything else he wants). He also knows that if he puts on his "happy smiley face" (even when he does nto feel like it) he is much more likely to get what he wants. He is a very happy cheerful chap and we include him as much as possible in daily activities, and have done so from early on. TBH, I did not have the energy to deal with a screaming child, and although he does push his luck, a short timeout usually sorts him out for months to come. He is a pleasure at home and out shopping etc. It is difficult to be consistent, but it really does pay off. Seriously, watch those supernanny tv programs - they have heaps of tips which really do work.

Pebs, this is a common problem. Check out programs like Supernanny or Little Angels or other tv programs that deal with parenting tips.

At 14mo your ds should be able to be calm and reasonable most of the time (provided he is not ill/teething etc). If the problem relates to while you are in the kitchen, can you get him something to do in the kitchen? Does he like to play with noisey pots and pans? Does he like to pour water from a jug into a cup (and back again)? Does he like to sit on the sink and fiddle with the taps? (with you nearby to ensure no falling off). I found all of the above really captured ds's attention when I was in the kitchen, and this helped to let him get on with his playing while I cook. I also let him "help" me (stir things etc - even if I had to put some flour in a bowl of water for him to stir and tell him he was "helping") and then give him a cup of water which he stirs endlessly. Let him help unpack the shopping. Sometimes my ds likes to unpack some of my groceries from my cupboard. It keeps him busy, and I can get on with my cooking, then he "helps" me repack the cupboard at the end.

Problem is that if you are picking them up all the time, then they will continue the behaviour because they get a "reward" for it (that is, your attention).

So I suggest, get him involved if possible, or distract/ignore if you can. Otherwise, you need to get tough by introducing time out (even if only for 30 seconds or so). Explain clearly why you are putting him in timeout (I need you to stop whining), and what to do to avoid timeout (there is no time out when you are happy and smiling). Of course, the alternative is just to put up with the behaviour.

My ds never went through a phase like this, although I am sure he would love to whine for days on end if we let him. He is now 2.5yo. Every now and then he gets a bit whiney, and we tell him that is not allowed in our house. We have used timeout since he was a year old. He has not had to have much timeout, but he knows that whining does not get him anything good (no attention or anything else he wants). He also knows that if he puts on his "happy smiley face" (even when he does nto feel like it) he is much more likely to get what he wants. He is a very happy cheerful chap and we include him as much as possible in daily activities, and have done so from early on. TBH, I did not have the energy to deal with a screaming child, and although he does push his luck, a short timeout usually sorts him out for months to come. He is a pleasure at home and out shopping etc. It is difficult to be consistent, but it really does pay off. Seriously, watch those supernanny tv programs - they have heaps of tips which really do work.

Thanks Kiwikate. The main problem area with him is when I am walking around the house downstairs putting things away. The action of walking away from him seems to freak him out. I do sit with him for up to an hour and play with him but he still starts when I get up. I then try to include him in what I'm doing but eventually he starts whining again. I've even got a special DS cupboard with safe house stuff in that I use when he is really bad but once he has unpacked it and realises that I am not going to sit back down with him, he starts again. When I've tried to distract him with various things and it still isn't working, then I ignore him as much as possible. I NEVER give in and pick him up or go to play with him again and I am really consistant so why does he persist? I do sometimes crack and shout at this point which I guess is negative attention.
I am trying the "not now" phrase at the moment and praising him and trying to change his mood when he has stopped for 20 seconds. If this doesn't work I'll try timeout. Isn't 14 months a bit young for this?

We did our first timeout with ds when he was a year old, and it really worked. We made sure we explained why he was getting it (total tantrum) and what he needed to do to avoid it (happy smiley face). And we made it really short - 20 to 30 seconds.

One thing that worked with ds was that I started using the term "a minute" as in "I need you to play by yourself for a minute, then I will play with you" - He did not know what "a minute" meant, but he did get the idea that it meant in a while. He also got the idea that if he did something I wanted, then we would do something he wanted. I can't remember when we started this, though.

Are there any interactive toys your child might play with on his own? Something that responds when he pushes buttons or something. Perhaps stories on a tape?

I am sorry if my earlier post sounded harshe. I know how hard it is. My ds became nuts about a toy plastic golf set at an early age, so that is always a hit with him (although he likes to have someone to play with). Letting him sit on the kithchen floor with a bowl of water and some plastic cups is always a hit when I am working in the kitchen. There is a bit to clean up (and of course, I have to be very careful about him slipping etc).

Good luck