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Six year old excluded from school for the second time in five months.

40 replies

Flip · 15/09/2005 10:00

I need some help with a very unruly six year old. I was a regular on here a few years ago and I remember how helpful everyone is. I really need some advise.

I've cut out E numbers and he takes Omega Three. He has a phycologist who never sees him just me and occasionally his dad. We've tried alternate therapy which cost the earth. He was having cranial massarge twice a week and a child councellor coming in to talk to him. But with no change after two months, we couldn't justify the hundred pound a week it was costing.

So yesterday he had been in trouble at school from the very start of the day. School are really good with him and put up with a lot. There's no diagnosis and no statement, so no funding.

He'd been disrupting his class all day and done no work at all. So at the end of the day when I went to collect him one of the teachers said that he was just finishing his work and to go and have a sit down. It took him another half hour but I didn't mind wating. I want them to be more assertive with him. He does his sats this year. Eventually he'd finished his work and he was in a fowl mood because he'd been kept behind. The teacher explained to me about a few of the problems there had been that day. Then as we were getting ready to leave he shouted, "Oy Miss, wait there a minute." Then he ran up to her and punched her. The head master was just down the corridor talking with another teacher and he saw this. I was absolutley mortified. The head master read him the riot act and told me that he had no choice but to exclude him again and that his behaviour couldn't continue. So while I'm having a pow wow with all the teachers and the head master my little cherub is running between classrooms and knocking on the glass to get the head masters attention. Then he's waving at him and pulling faces. There is no a dam thing I can do. I can't smack him because that would infringe on his human rights. It's all wrong. What's he doing to my humam rights putting me through this torment?

My husbands away in another country for a week and I had no one to go to so I went to my mum. I made him sit on the stairs and not move for half an hour and then he had his tea, then went back to the stairs. But inbetween times I was trying to get hold of his dad and his phycologist. The phycologist is off sick and the consultant said that he still stands by his original diagnosis, NOTHING WRONG.

The last time he was excluded he kicked another child in the head and smashed his head against the wall giving him a concusion. Yesterday at school he hit another child over the head with a chair. Would you want a child like that in a class with your kids? I feel terrible because it's my child that's disrupting the lessons for everyone. I can't bare to take him out and put him in a special school, but I don't know what the alternative is. No one wants to help me and I've done plenty of jumping up and down and standing firm. But it get's me knowhere. Social services just gave me money to put him a kids club during the holidays, but no support.

He threatens to kill himself, wishes that I was dead or his dad. He tries to run infront of cars and says exactlty how he wants to kill himself. I'm totally lost and I'm not sure how much longer I can cope with him if at all. I've got a temp teacher for the next couple of days and it's costing £150 for eight hours schooling. But he'll get nothing out of it because he just won't listen. All I can do is send the message that, yeah you're out of school but you're not getting away with doing nothing.

I need some help and well if you've read this far you've done well. I wanted to quit a while back!

OP posts:
Jimjams · 15/09/2005 12:25

Special schools these days are usually very good btw- it's getting a place iin one that is difficult....

andif · 15/09/2005 12:27

Flip - your situation sounds horrendous, but you don't need telling that. I think the school should take some responsibility for solving the problem together, the key phrase these days is partnership with parents. If they ask you what you plan to do, turn it round on them and ask them what they are going to do to help him. At his age, a good head should be able to get funding for help in school and investigation of the problem, not just excluding him. I have done supply work with a similar child who is like this purely because of her upbringing (I'm not suggesting for a moment this is the problem in your case) so there was no medical diagnosis, but she still has a statement and the family get a lot of help, so with a persistent head and special needs coordinator, anything is possible!
Good Luck!

PeachyClair · 15/09/2005 12:49

I would deffo call BIBIC like JimJams said, they arrange a free interview over the phone where they assess whether they think your child has a problem they can help with. I am waiting to take my son there. Sam is much like your child: you will find any number of threads on here where I get really, really upset about how violent he can get. I well remember his first parents evening last year where I was told he was 'sly and evil' (he's at a new school now!), we accelerated the DX process and were told he was Aspergers. You might also find that the NAS (National Autistic Society) can send you some fact sheets: there behaviour techniques work for all three of my kids, not just the AS one, it's just about looking at things differently.

I know how hard this is- my DS3 has permanent (tho not obvious facial scarring from DS1- and I really feel for you. Good luck.

sunnydelight · 15/09/2005 13:28

Poor you - it sounds like you are in the middle of a nightmare. I hope having family around helped rather than hindered; it is easy to criticise. Nobody seems to be giving you the help you need so personally I would force their hand - if it all gets too much again phone social services and tell them that you will leave your child in their offices if they don't offer you some support. I know someone who did this and it was drastic, but it worked!

tufty · 15/09/2005 13:40

hi there you are having atough time this is whta i suggest
phone the national autitsic society asap for advice, it seems possible that your son has asperger's syndrome and would benefit from formal assessment Try to do this asap they are v supportive and will help you. If you can do it vbefore you go to school, great. THe other thing is has there been any family issues like sepaaration, sickness, violence, trauma, injury etc which could have accumulated into a crisi for him... some children get a sort of accumulated stress disorder and the behva in weird ways as they try to get help.... ?? or was he always a bit different but you couldn't put your finger on it?
2. don't beat yourself up, if you need to go back on your meds to get through this tough time it is not a failure, it is a positive way to help you cope with helping your son. YOu are going to need all your resources.
3. get someone to look after the baby and do something nice with your son. He needs youe affection and time however much he seems not to , go and dig up worms or splash in puddles or play ball however hard it feels do some boy stuff with him. it sounds as if he is trying to let everyone know how hard life is for him. A six year old wanting to die is in real distress.
I really think he has a condition esp if he was tricky aged 3....Does he have friends? did he talk early using big words? does he struggle with socail rules?
try to find some cdroms he can learn with on the computer. Maybe he finds group situations v stressful and needs structure and focus that way.
ther isa laso a v good book by Bill o hanlon about your defiant child you can get it on amazon) which has some great ideas for managing stuff like this. YOu are really not alone however it may feel. YOur son needs to know you love him and that sometimes that measn he has to take consequences for things he does. Smacking doesn't work incidentally it just gets into the old guilt bit for us mums...
you must be very tired. can you get soem lavendar oil and have a soak when the children are asleep? ( does he sleep? you didn't say...)

good luck... you are doing the hardest job the best you can and you will get through all this. Keep us posted

tufty · 15/09/2005 13:46

oh just to say don't spend your money on stuff until you are sure... I don't think you should pay for a tutor, it won't be useful to him just now he's telling you he is at his limit and now doubt is reflecting how you feel too. sometimes children pick up how we feel ... I don't imagine you ever thought that your life would be like this, its so hard isn't it. GOOD LUCK

tufty · 15/09/2005 14:14

I just did a search for your previous threads and goodness me you have had so much to deal with! write it all down under different headins ( yourself, husband, kids with all the health/ school incidents stuff and then take it to your gp and say look we need support NOW to help get a diagnosis and therapeutic help and to sort this out before we crack up ... its too much for anyone! It sounds like your son may have ASpergers but also that he has had lost of other stuff to deal with too and he's reached his absolute limit. good luck

Flip · 15/09/2005 15:14

I've just been to school and the head master is very supportive. He's having a private meeting (which I'm invited to) with some special education woman. I was listening but didn't take it in. Anyway she's the one that fights your corner and get's you the funding. In the mean time he's going to put some hours on my sons timetable for one on one. When he get's funding he'll get 12 1/2 hours a week. I've had the head nurse on from the hospital to and she is looking into CAMHS on my behalf. Kind of unfortunate that I have an appointment with them next Tuesday. But I gave them plenty of chances to spend time with him and was knocked back every time.

I can hear my little lad laughing at the moment. He's with his tutor and she's only been here two hours. But he's loving it. He's learning so much and I'm glad I did it. She's coming back tomorrow to do some more lessons. It's what he needs. I can't do that sort of work with him and engage him when I've got a baby to care for as well. I'd say it's money well spent.

OP posts:
amynnixmum · 15/09/2005 15:20

I'm really glad that you are finally getting some support. I hope you get the funding as this will make a huge difference for you and ds.

Flip · 15/09/2005 15:41

I'd be happy with a diagnosis and of course funding is a bonus. But if we had a diagnosis I'd be able to apply for DLA and could afford the extra activites he needs to stimulate him.

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 15/09/2005 16:52

As we're about six months ahead of you time wise in all of this, please do feel free to CAT me if you need support any time. I've had times where I have felt awfdul, Dh even ended up unable to work with depression and our world fell apart for a time. I'm more than happy to give back a little of the support I got from this site

sniff · 15/09/2005 17:59

I know how you feel I have a seven year old son who is fine at school in behaviour but daydrems all day he is very sarcastic to and the believe him to be socially inept but at home is a nightmare he is depressive tells me he wishes he was dead
emptys bottles of everything every where is rude never sleeps is abrasive waffles on about nothing all the time puts himself and everything down cannot make friends lives in a fantasy that controls his life he is not violent but angry he never listens he cannot control his behaviour in any way

I have told people till I am blue in the face so far nothing every one tells me he is normal how is a suicidal social incompitent 7 year old normal

if you ever want any one to talk to I maybe cant help but I can understand best of luck all my thoughts are with you I hope they let him back into school

tufty · 15/09/2005 20:29

flip so gald the tutor but worked out, perhaps he jsut neede some one to one qulaity time? I still feel you shouldn't have to pay out for stuff from your own money when you can;t really keep it up.
best of luck and hope you get progress soon.

tufty · 15/09/2005 20:31

sniff it sounds like you should call the National auistic society too. ASpergers syndrome is v hard for people to recognise and your son sounds v sad. Give it a go and let us know. hang in there

mummyhill · 16/09/2005 08:10

Hi sniff.

Glad you found the thread hope you get some useful advice and support from mumsnetters. I am still fat and will hopefully see you soon.

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