I loathe my 7 Year old DD, I need some help please.........

[caughtinafog]

she's just horrible...every morning she literally growls at me, snarls, is rude to her sister, moans about her breakfast.

Every day I collect from school & she growls at me, barks, what have you got me to eat. She barely speaks to me. WHen I pick up DD2 from nursery she is all smiles, kisses & cuddles.

At the weekend she is bossy, is rude to me (in particular - DH tends to let it go), stroppy, one of her favorite sports is antagonising her sister (age 4).

We went out yesterday, yes a boring shopping trip. It would have been much quicker if DD was able to wait patiently whilst we looked at stuff. But no, she had to fuss, disappear, touch stuff.
We had her parents evening the other day, apparently she is a lovely girl. Which she can be, but her & I are just at loggerheads

The thing that gets me, is she is so angry. But I can't see what there is...other than she seems intensly jealous of her sister (small, cute, happy, east going. I've asked her about this & she says she wants to be small & cute. Yet all DD2's little friends adore DD1.

I feel like there is some connection going wrong in her brain..the trouble is, she is ruining home life. she has always been like it, she came out of me angry - little red angry face with fists. (DD2 barely opened her eyes when she was born), I am wondering if that is something to do with it. She doesn't walk, she bounces & skips..so much energy (she does several physical activities after school)

Anyway, she has been warned & warned over her behaviour this morning. DH was taking them to the park, but she was moaning about coat/jumper, telling DD2 she was ugly, making her cry, all whilst checking her hair is ok. She had a warning, they go outside then next thing DH has plonked her back in the house & is tkaing DD2 out for a bike ride. I'm in the lounge ironing & see water being poured out off the window. I've then gone up there, been very angry, screaming & shouting at her (completely the wrong thing to do).

I feel like i don't want her anymore (which is terrible & I'm not going to harm her) but I'm just telling this because i really am at my wits end. I feel at the point of either she goes or I do. This has been going on for a few week. I understand there is talk of tiredness etc (she's yr3) BUT it's not accpetable. She took something from the inlaws last week & lied about it. I asked DH to find out what was going on, but she said no, but then (when I insisted he push on hte q's) she said she had. She took it because she wanted it.

I'm worried- I'm worried that I can't control her or get through to her (make a connection etc) at this age, with myself shouting & being angry & what on earth is going to be doing in a few years time ? And she's destroying our family. She is so demanding - is she ill ? how can this be normal ?

Please help...
(nb regular poster, name changed)

You could be desribing my dd. From the moment she was born she clearly resented even being cuddled by me. She was exclusively breast fed and would sleep 10 hours at night from 6 weeks. It was as if she avoided contact until absolutely necessary. We had a very difficult relationship throughout her childhood. There were times when I hated her. I know exactly how you feel.

Eventually, I realised that everything I didn't like about her was everything I didn't like about myself. We were/are so alike. I used this to gain an insight into her.

She is now 23 and probably my best friend. She is fiercely independent and very ambitious. We have small but frequent doses of each other and I think she is absolutely bloody fantastic. I admire her hugely. I wouldn't be without her now and I know that she feels the same way about me. We have an unspoken understanding.

DD1(almost 7) irritates me a lot. DD2(5) I usually find endearing. It does happen. In my case, DD1's more like DH and DD2's more like me, so I find DD2 much easier to understand. DD1 has weird reactions to things - much like you said about anger rather than sadness. DD2 is more emotionally intelligent at a younger age...

In short, I do feel for you!

Our problems suddenly blew up into a storm when she was just 4, though. That say-what-you-like-you-can't-make-me-do-it smug rebellious naughtiness, every bedtime. Nothing helped.

But one thing worked, a friend's suggestion. I let her stay up an extra half hour and we spent that time together. These days it's only about 20 minutes, but we still spend it together, just her and me. Usually reading books or colouring a picture together. It made such a dramatic difference that I was able to use the threat of taking 10 mins off the time as effective discipline when before I had had nothing.

These days I take away a playdate - then she knows she's overstepped the line. But she says she likes it that I do that, she likes it when I'm strict - so I think sometimes my expectations aren't high enough...

Don't know how much of that is relevant, but hope you find a way to improve things.

lostinafrica- that sounds like a really good idea.
My DC sound quite similar to OPs, and it is so much easier to like the youngest- yet I love my pfb with a fierce and fiery love... maybe thats why she's so fiery? My eldest is a lot better when she's had enough sleep, and isn't hungry...

It sounds like your daughter knows exactly how you feel about her and is angry with you and the prefered daughter. My second child is much easier, but my first has such fabulous characteristics which come from his character. He too pushes the boundaries and my buttons. If I don't get enough sleep I react badly to his behaviour, and then it gets worse.

Children who don't get enough positive attention prefer negative attention to no attention. I'll never understand why, but there it goes. We parents don't have the right to have favourites, we have to work really hard to be fair. You'll find then that everything will turn around.

I do feel for you, but I feel more for her. If she can't rely on your love she's going to be very insecure.

It's also not great for the other daughter. When she's older she'll recognise the situation and it will cause a lot of guilt for her. My friend is in that situation.

She might also be exhausted if she has too many after school activities.

I have no doubt you love her to bits, just make sure she has no doubts. All the best.

I feel your pain, OP.

But I think it's worth mentioning that all babies come out red faced with their fists balled up - my dd certainly did! And she cried a great deal as well - but how they 'are' as babies doesn't really have a bearing on their personalities as children. Even a highly sensitive baby, it's reactions to stimuli rather than behaviour. I fink.

op - we had much the same, but now dd1 is nearly 11 she is lovely ( well most of the time ) and dd 2 aged just 6 has gone from small cute and very very easy going into very stroppy, angry monster - ther is hope , i reckon girls come into their own around 10 ! hang in there

wannabeglam I think you've got it in a nutshell & I am trying so hard..I do find I am hitting a brick wall. I wake up, try to be kind/obliging/reasonable etc, then the behaviour kicks in & then by the end of the day, I've had enough & maybe then she'll be a bit easier, but it's too late.

I would hate one of them to think they are the prefered one.

Yes, maybe the activities are tiring, but she enjoys them, dancing, brownies, swimming, I also think it's quite good for her to be doing physical stuff. Maybe we'll rethink it over the xmas hols....

I've got a few things lined up for just me & her to do now, like I've got a book out of the library to read with her when DH finishes their book. Then her thing she absolutely loves, is a cuddle in bed, so will do this most of this week to see if I can help repair us.

I have no doubt your daughter enjoys the activities. I have a battle with my son because he would do every activity going if let, but I have to limit it to 3 nights a week so that he has time at home with me. Any more and things go haywire. I am sure once you spend more time with her one to one you'll see things turn around. 7 is a difficult age too, year 3 is a big leap I'm finding and it's tiring while they're getting used to it.

Don't be surprised if she kicks back at some of the things you have lined up for you just one on one - happened to me and I went mad. But I'd had such faith in it and it failed immediately. However, with perseverance and patience it worked.

I know exactly how you're feeling. I think the fact that you're at the end of your tether will help as you'll do what it takes to turn things around. I hope all goes well.

Sure Start run this :The Webster-Stratton Incredible Years basic parenting programme.

I started it 5 weeks ago and have seen HUGE improvments.

Look into it, I highly recommend it.

Good luck

My DS1 becomes angry when he is upset. It would be so much easier if he would cry instead of rage. Anger is alienating, isn't it? I know I struggle with it.

But she is trying to express her feelings. I think that the times when they are vile is when they need "love-bombing".

Best of luck. Some good advice here

Try thinking about all the things you love about the 7 year old. Can you sit down and chat with her about how you can both make things better and explaiin that she is very precious to you and you want to make things work. Be positive and encouraging with her and give her lots of hugs and cuddles. Spend sometime just you and her. She must really feel unloved and disliked at the mo and is just responding.

I realise this thread was started 15 years ago, I could have written this exact post myself and looking for help. At my wits ends