Teenage child’s attitude to my MS

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My 16 year old has just announced with their characteristic total arrogance that I am ‘milking’ my MS, that I mention it ‘every 45 seconds’ (I don’t really talk about it at all, I’m desperate not to be seen as different or a victim), that I just want people to feel sorry for me. Im very independent, am working, try to be active, my children don’t have to care for me (they don’t actually do as much as lift a finger to do ANYTHING around the house in fact). I do get tired from time to time abd I can’t walk a long way. That’s it.

the absolute disdain from my child has really shocked me. They clearly don’t give a fuck about my illness or how I suffer from it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can stay in this family with these attitudes to me, like I am just a worthless sub-human. My husband challenged them but not very strongly.

Is this in any way normal? Is my child a psychopath?

I would point out that you don't milk it, and then to prove it show them what milking it would look like by downing tools. Do not do anything further to help them out, in any way. No more cooking, cleaning, washing. No more lifts or money. When they question your behaviour, look pained and blame your MS.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. For what it's worth I don't think this is a sign that your teenager is a terrible person, they are just a teenager and this is how they behave. Deeply selfish and self centred and I don't think they really see us as people a lot of the time.

Your child is not a psychopath, they are a spoilt teenager. Make them start doing things around the house, teach them to respect the things provided for them and the people taking care of them. They were probably just saying it because they want a reaction, just be factual and calm.

What prompted this? Was it said on a moment of anger over a different topic?

16 is old enough to have a calm and rational discussion about this. It is time you had one about division of labour anyway but a conversation about how they've hurt you is due too.

I'm sorry you've been so wounded, I do hope they apologise soon.

You're having a flare up, aren't you, OP? One that makes cooking and cleaning and giving lifts absolutely devastatingly impossible.

Selfish little toad can sort his or her own life out, can't he/she?

Wow. They need a reality check and your DH should have provided it.
Sure it's not unusual for teens to display breathtaking ignorance and selfishness... So they need to be made aware and educated.
Really sorry you had to hear that!

Take a step back from doing all their "stuff" their laundry, taxi duties and so on.

So many teens of parents with MS are also carers through necessity they don't how fortunate they are that you are still so well.

Yeah my dd13 shocked me recently with how little empathy she had towards a friend. I did just kind of put it down to her being a teenager. I did challenge her on it though.

I feel like this came from your son. Would I be right?

I’m a fully able bodied parent and my teens do loads of chores - so you need to start making them pull their weight. They need to learn that a home takes work and everyone who lives in it helps with that work.

I hope your dh will support you in this x

@RudsyFarmer interesting assumption. There are just as many horror stories about teen girls on here as there are boys 🙄

Or maybe the child is just scared, doesn't know how to deal with their emotions, and so lashes out in an attempt to minimise the thing that terrifies them? I think this teenager probably needs some support - but in addition to having to do a few chores!

Perhaps this is their cackhanded way of displaying they are scared.
They are 16. They know shit happens and you are ill but they might not know if chronic, death expected soon, curable etc. And scared you are dying,or needing long term care etc.

This sounds harsh but it is scarey at 16, and unsettling seeing someone you love and depend on (to some extend) not coping.

Oh gosh, I said some awful mean things when I was a similar age to my mum and still feel bad about it 30 odd years later (although to be fair she did deserve some of it). Please don’t think she hates you and hate her back. And all the best

Were you arguing ? They can be really horrible can’t they

Thanks for your responses.

You’re right, they are completely spoilt. I don’t think I’m having a flare-up, so I don’t know where this has suddenly come from. And I know they are scared. Part of my trying to carry on as if nothing’s wrong is an attempt to shield them from the reality of the MS for as long as possible but I know it’s gone too far.

My husband is generally very supportive of me and obviously picks up a lot of the things I can’t do, but like me he is too soft on the children.I’ve shown him your responses and he agrees something needs to be done.

One of my teens was like this about their sibling’s condition.

It was absolute fear and a desperation to convince themselves that it wasn’t as bad as was being made out. They just wanted everything to be ok.

it’s not an acceptable way to speak to someone, but lashing out like that isn’t uncommon.

Do they have support outwith the family like a young carers group or MS support where they can vent?

Teenagers are generally horrible. They pick the thing you are most sensitive about and pick

They do come put the other end. Rude the tide. It'll get better

I have M.S and had exactly the same attitude from my teenage daughter, totally selfish. My poor friend had ovarian cancer and her teenage daughter was a complete bitch.

Unfortunately I think it’s an age thing. My daughter now 27 has apologised for being such a cow. Don’t be ashamed about admitting you have M.S, I used to be, now I don’t give a shit. I was once shouted at by a passing motorist for parking in a disabled bay(my blue badge was displayed) he asked where my walking stick was. I was just about to tell him to get out of the car and not to be a feckin coward, when I saw a mother and two young children walking by.

People like that infuriate me, I’d love them to have a day in my unreliable painful body. People comment on how well I look, I always put a bit of make up on, it’s a sense of pride and the shitty disease ain’t taking that away. Just rise above your daughter and like another person said refuse to do certain things because you’re in pain and having a flare up.

Your daughter isn’t a psychopath, she’s a typical selfish little bitch, just like mine was. They do eventually get better, with mine it was around the age of 21. They were awful years and I cried buckets, girls can be so cruel.

Thanks @YetMoreNewBeginnings , their teacher suggested a young carers group locally for them but they point blank refused to go.

Your daughter isn’t a psychopath, she’s a typical selfish little bitch

Thanks @Snippit that really made me laugh! But I’m so sorry you went through this too! Thank you all for letting me know I’m not alone in this, it has really helped

I agree that it's a selfish teen thing and them picking on a perceived weakness. (My ds15 uses the fact that I am a widowed parent to say he wouldn't have to help if his dad was still alive and that I'm horrible for making him help for 5 minutes per day. Apparently, no other 15 year olds in the world have to do chores!)

Teenagers are selfish pricks

I think it's hard for everyone to empathise with invisible conditions and particularly so for teenagers who are often at peak selfish.

I have a similar condition to MS (myasthenia gravis) and our teen has spent the last few months tutting and sighing at the sight of me lying and resting while I battle a flare. The younger children on the other hand have been fab. We have ended up both having to be very robust with teen dd to get her to help out at all. There were times when I would do a whole days work, then try and cook dinner and she would just come down from a day in bed on her phone and sit at the table and wait for food to arrive while tutting at the state of the house. DH giving her a decent talking to about my condition seems to have helped a bit (plus the linking of pocket money to chores!)

Yes we have also been told that noone else has to do chores

(She conveniently forgot her boyfriend was grounded for a week when he didn't do his chores )