Not attending appointments

[Bubbletfizz92]

What would happen if I decided not to tell my GP or health care about pregnancy I mean how would they find out last time found them less than helpful, and slightly bullyish in tests to see if first child had downs etc the ones where there is a risk of miscarriage by sticking a great big needle through to say if your baby is less than perfect by their standards, atm going through secondary infertility and done first round clomid and trying for baby now but had to fight to get this far despite 5yrs of nagging and my current child turned 9 this month but honestly I don't drive and find it rude they assume you can by making appointments far away and I refuse to pay outrageous public transport prices so why should I turn up also find being prodded in stomach cringe am not slim built at all and I just want to be I'm control this time and not made to feel shite by being told your at risk for this or this it makes it soo much more stressful I'd rather go under radar till need to give birth...

As a side note Clomid worked for me on the second cycle. It was twins though.

I'd also say if you've waited this long it would be a shame for anything to go wrong that could so easily be picked up and prevented.

Good luck.

As someone who works in maternity services, your best approach would be to engage with care with an assertive (but not aggressive) approach. Be honest about the trauma you feel from last time and explore options which would make things feel better this time. It’s rare to need an amino, but you can decline all screening tests, they’re only an offer. Have an open discussion about what you do and don’t want and why. Take the information and advice on board, do your own reading and make your own decisions. It’s much better than just going under the radar, because services will notice and they will be suspicious and you’ll just make life more difficult for yourself. I appreciate there is a way of giving information and it often isn’t as balanced as it should be, but the healthcare professionals do have a duty to inform you where you are at higher risk of certain things and why. You don’t need to be offended by it, just accept the advice and move on. If they want to do extra interventions that you aren’t happy with, just say so. Care should be a two-way conversation and you can take back control without just avoiding it all.

I'm sorry you've had a crappy experience, but you should really think about your potential baby. Sometimes, being a mum puts us in positions that make us feel uncomfortable, but it's something we should do for the child's wellbeing. It isn't all about you, and I say that with empathy and care.

WooWoo had good advice.

If you're not prepared to engage at all for any tests you're putting yourself and baby at risk.

It would be better to not get pregnant under those circumstances.

Perhaps you're so traumatised you need counselling? Or perhaps this desire for a baby stems from something else that counselling would help. You sound like you're struggling just now. I hope things improve for you. A baby isn't the answer if things aren't how you want them. Get that right first.

Thankyou I'm sorry if worried anyone mostly having a rant and want a nicer birth this time if successful as last time they stopped and started to point I had dr shout at me for pushing despite it being equivalent to asking me not to breathe as was trying hard to obey his order but they gave me drugs to start the birth then stopped it because had other ladies in that took priority then started then stopped I was given several doeses of morphine too and was in hospital for 3 days before giving birth then the outcome was me trying to push before I even was ready and bleeding soo much it was all up the walls where I was and dr said afterwards they shouldn't have done that so have lost faith in system which is where this going under radar has stemmed from and wondering if easier so don't have to deal with nhs too much... this was at QA in Portsmouth

Since daughter was 3/4yrs old so about 5 6yrs now as she turned 9 last week

The thing is that, unless you’re going to free birth, you will end up having to engage with the system at some point. And do you really want you re-introduction to be when you have either sought help because you’re really worried about something, or because you’re vulnerable in labour? It sounds like you could do with a debrief to get clear in your mind what happened last time, why it might have happened, and what can be avoided this time. You don’t have to accept induction (“drugs to start labour”), for example. You could pursue homebirth if you didn’t want to be in hospital for birth again. But you won’t be able to explore your options and make your preferences known if you just disengage.

Thankyou I guess am just super worried about everything and get overstimulated this is helpful I think if I talk if am successful and say what went wrong etc last time they will hopefully listen plus been a while so hoping things are better

I think social services take concealed pregnancy quite seriously. Also, if something went wrong that you could have prevented, how would you feel?

I didn't attend MW appointments but did attend scans and yes social services was called and they even came to the hospital unannounced (won't go into the reasons why I didn't attend) this was 10 years ago

I know exactly how you feel. There is other options don’t be fooled or offended by selfish comments. Nobody can tell you what to do with your own body, obviously you will get medical attention if needed jeez🤣 go private & avoid all this NHS crap that everybody else seems to be happy with 🥰
-it is the worst headache demanding you go to unnecessary appointments which by the way is all for data collection & threats when you miss an appointment.I agree 100% It’s a joke! Will definatly not be using the NHS this time round and I’m very confident my baby will be born the same as the rest👍🏽

The only thing you legally have to do is register the birth of your baby within six weeks.

Technically, all medical care is completely optional (including attending midwife appointments, blood tests, scans etc. basically anything.) It’s basically an available service that you can choose or not choose to utilise.

Of course it would be extremely unadvisable to completely avoid medical care, but I think just knowing the above gives you a really good baseline for simply knowing every medical trip/appointment/procedure is your choice and can only be done with your consent. I think a lot of pregnant women sadly don’t know their rights- often you hear things like ‘Oh you have to be induced at x weeks. Oh they don’t let you go further than x weeks.’ and so on. It’s completely inaccurate- the only person who does any ‘allowing’ is you the pregnant woman.

There are a few ignorant people on here commenting without actually understanding what the OP is saying, making the OP feel ashamed for even letting off some steam on here and some very questionable responses...

First off OP, you are entitled to feel the way you are feeling, regardless if it's anxiety or hormones etc, you came here to find someone who understands what you mean and I got you.

Fertility treatment is no joke, I totally understand how it can make you feel horrible and the amount one goes through it's physically and mentally taxing. I had gone through years of it!!

Then when a pregnancy is confirmed, it does not feel like the support is there when it comes to registering a pregnancy and visiting the hospital for all the appointments. Personally I felt judged for my first pregnancy, however most of us women don't know what to exactly expect or how we should be treated when it's our first.

I lost count of all the fertility treatment I endured, all the loses and then eventually had my baby. My first pregnancy was not easy and I felt like a number, Infact I should have been diagnosed with pre eclampsia around 30 weeks but the care I received was very questionable which resulted in an emergency c section at 37 weeks from finally diagnosing me with pre eclampsia.

Problem is when we go through a bad experience it sets the tone for the next pregnancy.

Now I am pregnant again and this time they have been extra careful, this time round I have no midwife it is consultant led but I have 5 people in the room every time because it's a high risk pregnancy. Yes I totally understand why they are needed but I hate with a passion attending these appointments, it is due to my previous experience and I still don't feel connected with the team who are meant to be looking after me and my unborn child, personally I find some of them pointless to be present in the room when they do not contribute a single word. However they are there for a reason.

Now for the ignorant people commenting about OP putting her unborn baby at risk.

It is because there is a massive difference between private and NHS. It is not just about caring for you and your unborn child, it is the behaviour of some of these medical professionals that is distasteful, like fat shaming you on every appointment which I had previously, being judged as I became diabetic on fertility treatment but told diabetes is likely due to me 'indulging' which was an assumption. Don't worry it got all reported to PALS.
Us women should not be made to feel like these appointments are for us to go in and made to feel disgusted about ourselves whilst pregnant.

Whilst some women have had good experiences, people need to understand no two midwives or hospitals are the same and everyone has their own experiences. The OP has had a negative experience previously to which most of us have also. It does not therefore warrant a response that makes the OP or anyone reading this to feel like they are neglecting their health and unborn baby's health. But rather a platform for us to help each other better understand what we are entitled to.

No one endures fertility treatment, to then get pregnant and then be met with midwives or consultants who are making you feel like absolute S...
This is where the problem is with the NHS.
This is why alot of people I know including me, especially with the 2nd pregnancy feel like they do not want to register their pregnancy at all.

Yes there are some hospitals who do threaten about getting social services involved as it happened to my friend who was very unwell to attend a couple of appointments and was threatened. It is not nice as it makes us women feel like we are not in control of our pregnancy especially when we have undergone alot of treatment to get pregnant.

Now on the flip side, - OP, I understand how you feel, but remember the amount you have gone through with fertility treatment, it is not worth raising your cortisol levels by pre-empting the level of care you may receive once pregnant.

You are entitled to vocalise your points to your midwife/team when/ if you register your pregnancy. Do not be afraid to inform them of your previous experience and let them know you are anxious this round and will not tolerate any shaming especially when it is not factually correct and want to Opt out of any appointments/ tests that are not mandatory.

This round I have taken control of my pregnancy, I check my own blood pressure at home and use the same urine dip sticks as they do to make sure I am not suffering with pre eclampsia again.
Yes the hospital does this too, my previous experience was that they would do my blood pressure more than 5 times back to back and took the lower reading and wrote NAD in my book when the dip stick showed protein.
I was very puffy and actually looking back at my pictures I started becoming puffy at 6 months, I therefore am not taking any risks. O

Thankfully this round I am more clued up and Infact for your second pregnancy you may feel more clued up on the care you should be receiving.

I know these appointments feel like an attack, lack of control of your pregnancy and sometimes feels too repetitive and pointless.
I too have felt annoyed attending, however I have had to sit back and understand why I need these appointments, why it is good I take control of my pregnancy so it also helps my team to look after me better and why I am thankful the NHS is there.

The worst feeling is doing everything we can to get pregnant, to then not take the help offered and something God forbid goes wrong.

Again you are entitled to feel the way you are feeling, it is a mix of emotions, I understand you tried to explain it, sometimes our emotions and feelings don't come across how we want it to. I gathered you understood what you was saying is like a double edged sword.
But remember, you CAN take control of your pregnancy, you can set the level of expectations from your midwife/team, you can request to see a certain person/people. I did this I said it straight who I like and who I don't want to see ever again, I have the same people who I saw in my previous pregnancy that I got on with. Sometimes they are not in and I do get annoyed because I hate having to explain myself from scratch but you can rebook the appointment, I only ever did this once. I prefer continuity which helps me feel better attending the appointments.

Don't be afraid to be vocal and take control of your pregnancy.

Right now if you are not pregnant yet, I wish you all the best with your fertility treatment.
On another note sometimes the treatment that worked with baby 1 doesn't work again.
I had clomid then letrozole, then menopur injections till I had baby 1. Then unfortunately nothing worked and went for IVF.

If you can afford to, take a break from it, the body does need a reset, I personally noticed I felt recharged after a nice break away on holiday. It reset my body and mind.
Got pregnant both times from that.

Then fingers crossed when you get pregnant, do consider taking the care that is available to you, take each step as it comes, do not overwhelm yourself. I wish you all the best for your journey.

Got a real simple solution for you. If you don't like antenatal care appointments, don't have another baby.

I empathise with not liking being poked and prodded- I'm AuDHD, found all that really difficult. But if you decide to have a baby it's not just about you any more. Totally valid to stick with one child if the whole business of it isn't for you. But you need to take care of your child's health.

Again too many ignorant people.

OP please do not take note of all the keyboard warriors on here throwing their two pence worth of crap.

You are entitled to have as many children as you want and body allows and entitled to feel the way you do, but my previous essay is worth taking note and hope you become blessed with as many babies you want.

Why the bumping of old threads?