V bad odds for Edwards and Patau's syndrome... Scared.

[bayswatersophie]

Here's the background...I am pregnant at 40 with my third baby. The other two pregnancies were plain sailing all the way, and two beautiful girls, no issues other than difficulties in getting pregnant in the first place. I was subsequently told by my doctor that I would not be able to get pregnant with another child and had made my peace with that. So I was beyond surprised to find myself 8 weeks pregnant this January... Unlike the other two pregnancies my husband and I felt very mixed emotions at first about this one... We had mentally moved on from the idea of a bigger family and were not thrilled at first. However, after a couple of weeks of living with the news we were happy and excited about this unexpected gift of a third baby. The 12 week scan was lovely and normal, good NT. I went ahead with the blood tests for the triple test and didn't think anything of it. It went down hill from there.... The results were mislaid between the lab and the midwife and when she re requested them to be sent after me pressuring her to get them (took a whole month) it turns out that the hormone levels were extremely low and that an urgent scan was recommended as they suspected a miscarriage or Edwards/ Patau's. I had the scan last Saturday and the doctor was pretty reassuring. Apparently no visible problems other than the fact that the baby is very small for term and they spotted one cyst. I felt reassured but booked for the Harmony blood test just to be sure. At my appointment today they took one look at the bloods and the scan and told me that I should have the amnio straight away as results would come in 48 hours, rather than wait for the blood test which takes 10 days. She said she was very concerned about the combination of my age/'retarded growth ' / the cyst and the bloods. She wouldn't give me a statistical chance for either syndrome as I live in France and apparently they don't give out the odds other than for Down's Syndrome (which is v low risk due to good NT and low hormone result) but her reaction made me feel they can't be good...The next thing I knew I was signing consent forms and lying on the couch waiting for the needle. Now I am at home going out of my mind with worry, googling and thinking the worst. I feel irrationally that somehow this is my fault and my punishment for not 'wanting' this baby initially...
Has anyone experienced anything similar and did it turn out ok? The next two days of waiting feel like torture....

Oh you poor soul, I haven't had your experience so can't comment on that but I feel as if you are doing remarkably well. I wouldn't feel guilty about lack of patience, your girls dont understand the trauma you have good through as you, quite rightly, shielded them from it. In fact I think it's a credit to you that they are in normal whinging mode and not worrying about you as you are obviously holding it together (as best as possible) in front of them.
I'm glad you have such a supportive DH as I'm sure he is grieving as much as you but knows that you physically can't do much.
You are doing really well and I'm sure this thread will do others no end of good if they too are experiencing this.
Finally, a puppy? Some people are just nuts! X

Thanks BustingOut, you are very kind. There have been some bitter sweet moments this week with my kids... The two year old asked me again why there was no longer a baby in my tummy and so I explained again that the baby was a bit broken and she died which makes me very sad. So she went to get her doll and stuffed it up my jumper saying ´never mind Mummy, here is a new one who isn't died' I was sort of laughing through the tears.

Oh bless her, if only you could do that. Take care x

This is almost exactly how I felt after dd2.

I remember saying my greif would be so much easier if it wasn't for other people. Some of the comments have been incredible.

That's a very sweet way of your youngest trying to fix it for you, bless her. Laughing through the tears is pretty much what I spent months doing.

Thanks Kitty, good to know our way of dealing with this is similar. I feel on this wild see saw of feeling totally ok then in the depths of despair. I spent an hour on the phone with ARC this morning just crying and going through it all again with them. What an amazing charity, I am beyond grateful. I think they are really stopping me from being completely demented and at least relatively functional for my children. I haven't really ventured out yet, I don't know if I can handle comments from others. Just some of the texts and e-mails have sent me mad....

Yeah they are brilliant. I spent loads of time on their forum after dd2, I couldn't ever find the words when I was on the phone.

Stay in your bubble as long as you need to. It took me ages to go out and do anything more than just quickly picking up some bread and milk. It's too soon now but after a while I used to play 'insensitive comment bingo' when meeting new people, somehow it hurt less if I'd expected it or thought about it before. I find a stock response of 'no, I don't really think like that' or something similar helps me. So 'maybe you just weren't meant to have this baby' I'd just say 'no we were meant to, it was just shitty bad luck, she was supposed to be with us though' in a neutral tone seemed to work well.

Yes my French MIL came out with that immediately. She was not positive about the pregnancy anyway when we told her as she thinks we have too many kids already (my husband has two teen-agers from former marriage ) and when she heard it was our third girl she was even more negative. So she said happily to me ´la nature fait bien les choses' which basically means that nature decided we should not have more kids. Argh. I could not reply I was so angry but I felt like saying, no, nature just left me with some sh*tty choices.

Been following this thread for a while, I'm so sorry for your loss, sophie

I had a tfmr at 16w over 20 years ago now. Though I coped quite well with it both physically and emotionally at the time, I found the grief would suddenly hit again many years later when something reminded me of that time. It was harder later on as a kept trying to tell myself it was ages ago and I was over it, but I think it probably isn't something I will ever 'get over' as such.

Be kind to yourself

Thank you so much for sharing, and I am sorry for your loss too. I think this experience has certainly changed me and I don't think I will ever forget our DD3. I look at my daughters now and just pray they will never, ever have to go through it