19 wks and dc has downs, utterly torn by what to do

[youstillhavetochoose]

The amino results will confirm on Friday but I had harmony test, so my brain knows there is no real hope though my heart absolutely believes it will be ok, that it is all a big mistake by harmony.
I have spent all this afternoon looking up people's stories of life with a child with downs,but just feel more confused. It doesn't help. Some people are delighted with their child, others regret continuing the pg. I don't know how disabled my child will be so it doesn't help to read about other people's kids.
The thought of such a late termination fills me with horror. I will basically consent to my baby, whom I already love, being killed and then give birth to his dead body. I previously had a much earlier termination, in different circumstances, and if took me years to come to terms with it. I still regret it.
I swore I would never do that again, but now I think, could we really cope with a child with downs? We have no family, can't afford help and I can't give up work.
One minute, I am sure having and loving my baby is the right choice. The next, I am sure a termination is.
I have to decide when I get the result on Friday as they will start the termination then if I want one. I really really hope the miracle happens of the result being negative for ds, as I don't see anyway to make a decision on this.
I know there is no question to respond to in my post, guess I am just venting.

I'm sorry.

Please don't let them pressure you into making a decision on Friday if you're not ready - take some time to think about it. I had a much more obscure and difficult set of results at 29 weeks and taking a week really didn't make much difference to the trauma of the termination but it did make a big difference to how confident I felt in my decision.

I would strongly recommend taking a look at forums for parents of children with Down's - that will give you a sense of what day-to-day life might be like. Of course, as with many conditions, there are a range of possibilities - your child might be able to live a relatively full and independent life or they might have numerous physical problems alongside the learning disabilities and struggle greatly - but it will give you some sense of whether or not you want to do this.

Every time there is a thread like this, people will say things like "but you can't test for everything" and "any child can become disabled" - honestly, I think that's nonsense. It's like saying that you accept the risk of a car accident every time you get into a car so you might as well not bother wearing a seat belt. Of course you could and would cope with this if you had to, the question is whether or not you want actively to walk into this situation. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.

Something that helped me was to think about it as a decision that I needed to take thinking of all three of us - me, my DH and the baby. I thought about the best interests of all of us and the quality of life that we would all have if I continued the pregnancy. In a way, it was easier for me because my baby would have had much much more severe developmental delays combined with a variety of physical issues (limbs, kidneys, one lung, the list went on sadly). I think I would have found it even harder with Down's.

There's no nonsense. there's the individual beliefs of different people.
It's good to hear every side of the story. personally, I think the 'clichés' I mentioned are pointless, but for many they are vitally important in the decision making process.
when I was here, I found all of the different opinions very helpful. After a while, I worked out which I agreed with and which made me uncomfortable. clarified my thoughts if you like.
OP I hope you're doing okay.

Hi OP I was in your situation 18 months ago and I was pinning my hopes on the harmony being a false positive but alas the CVS confirmed the worst. We terminated at 16 weeks and I have no regrets although still feel very sad about our loss. I got pregnant 4 months after the tfmr and now have a 5 month old son.

I really hope the harmony was a false positive but if not feel free to pm me if you want a chat.

The days before the termination were definitely the worst, its a horrible time, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The decision is the worst part.

Have a read of Kelle Hampton's blog. Her DD has Downs but they didn't know until she was born. You can see her posts gegging more positive as her DD gets older (she's now 4).