Advice and help for a confused Dad

[Haribo90]

Good Morning All

I've never been on here before, but I am trawling for support.
My Partner and I have a baby (Art: 4 months old).

She came to me in the middle of the night this week telling me that she no longer wants to be together. It felt odd because it was 1am and she hasn't thought about what happens next.

For context, we have had some tough times through being tired, nothing more than bickering (of which we are mutually responsible), but she says she is worn down.

I am completely devastated for us and for the family that we have made together.

Could this be a sign of prenatal depression? She has not spoken to anyone about it before making this decision. I am so torn as to whether I need to take her words and accept that she doesn't want to be together or to fight and push for her to seek support.

Advice is truly appreciated.

@moderationincludingmoderation Hi thanks for reaching out. She has done that too. She has been reluctant to attend baby classes and have staff (we have local social workers as part of Art's support from the NHS) visit the house.

@AdoraBell Thank you so much

@HairsprayBabe The bickering is really over very trivial things. Almost as though she just doesn't like me. Which is hard, but right now her welfare is more important. For example, driving too slow/fast, moving my leg etc. It hadn't used to be this way, only post baby.

Just want to add... there is something almost officially called the Rage Phase amongst seasoned mothers..
And I've seen the majority of my friends hit it around 3/4months post partum.
The Rage Phase is where you find your partner unbelievably irritating and enraging and seriously question why you're with them... daily.
So whilst I don't dismiss that this may be PND.. just be assured the Rage Phase is a thing, and it's common.

It sounds to me like your wife is exhausted and needs you to do more than half at the moment.

Why don’t you look after the baby all night tonight (ideally in a separate room so they don’t disturb her) and let her lie in as long as she wants tomorrow. Offer a nap on Saturday afternoon, have baby Sat night, and another lie in on Sunday.

At the same time take on the lions share of looking after the baby all weekend including doing the washing, packing the bag, ordering nappies, sorting out stuff, cleaning up mess etc. Pop baby in a sling and clean the house.

On Sunday ask her if she would like some time to herself over the next few weeks and pop some dates in the diary. Prioritise making sure that she gets that time.

I get that will be hard for you but I don’t think that you can talk to each other properly about this whilst she is so tired.

Hi @Haribo90

Love your username!

Just wanted to share my experience of PND. As someone mentioned above, I also realised it well after the fact - in fact. I just didn’t have the self awareness, head space, clarity of thought and energy to even consider it being a part of what I was feeling.

With hindsight for the first 3 months I just powered through purely on the strength of adrenalin, the wonder of having to his much longed for baby with a large dose of cluelessness eg how relentless bfeeding and pumping is, how hard reflux babies are etc

At month 4 I hit an absolute wall with the tiredness. I honestly thought I was going to die from the sleep deprivation and I write that with not a smidgen of hyperbole. That is how it felt - it was crushing tiredness and I honestly didn’t think I would ever feel human / normal again. It was also characterised by scary levels of contempt for my DH. It felt like he just did not understand at all how hard I was finding it - at all. He didn’t help with nights and his attempts at housework were next to useless in terms of the quality of his efforts. I wanted to leave him. Expediently. Which made no sense. At all. I didn’t have energy to socialise with other mums. My anxiety kicked in going to baby groups alone as my confidence at dealing with this beautiful but fussy, seemingly always crying baby was more than I could manage.

I hated my husband and his hours of sleep and relaxation and I mean hate in true sense. Looking back I was really unwell.

all that to say try to suggest your wife seeks help - maybe go with her? Find a weekend baby group and go together. Get a cleaner. Book her some sort of break thing for her at least once a fortnight depending on her preferences and make sure it’s bulletproof as in you are there to sort the baby completely and she can literally just have a time out completely.

Hang in there. It does get better as the baby gets bigger / sleeps longer etc. Listen more. Drop the bickering.

I am still married 😅and we went on to have another baby. Very best of luck to you both x

UPDATE:
Turns out that my partner was being unfaithful throughout the pregnancy and this is why she felt she needed to end the relationship.

I’m so sorry. I hope you have some RL support

Just remember as well the whole 1st year our new Mum hormones are so up and down. My son's about to turn 8 months old and I've only just realised I have pnd.
I feel guilty, i also feel like it's all on me (even though we formula feed I still don't feel equal to my partner and feel on some level he doesn't have the same level of responsibility as me).
Also I've just approached a peer support group and despite my anxiety I feel as if this could be my lifeline. Could she be enticed to go to a new Mum/parent group or therapy type setting where she can vent? Does she feel like it's all a chore, does she ever express that she feels too stressed/tired to enjoy the time with your newborn?
I'd do your best to take the load in every way you can, but get her to express herself. How often does she cry?

Oh wow I have just read your update.
Is she telling the truth? Or just trying to get you to go away?
Sorry, this does sound awful for you :(

Shit. I'm so sorry. I hope you have some support in place, and a clear way to keep seeing your baby while you figure out what to do.

Hi! Unfortunately it was true!
i’m just trying to be the best dad I can be now, taking an equal share of care.
in my mind it still think it was pnd when I see what other mothers has said including you. I can hand on heart say I tried to do all I could and sign post for support.