Baby in NICU after c-section… struggling mentally

[Scottishmum95]

Hi all

I just need to vent. I just had my beautiful baby boy on 15th April 2023 via EMCS after 4 days of being an inpatient in a mat unit - my body seemed to HATE all forms of induction. Pessary - I over contracted and me and baby almost ended up in surgery that night. Cooks balloon - got me to 3cm but my waters broke & we’re full of meconium due to distress caused to baby by the pessary. Oxytocin drip - this fucking hurt & caused several extreme Brady’s to my baby boy. After 3 attempts kn the drip and me contracting for 3 full days, it was time to go to surgery.

I went to theatre, all OK, baby boy came out very blue and he was struggling to breathe. He and dad were whisked away by NICU team to assess the issue - to cut a very long story short, my baby is now in NICU as he can’t lie on his back. He’s only 2 days old and he’s had CT scans, throat endoscopy, x-ray and also an ultrasound. My surgery was OK and I’m recovering not to bad but my boy will stay at the hospital while I go home.

Me and my husband are living our literal nightmare out and I can’t help but feel so shit. I know he’s in the safest of hands & we have 24/7 access to him on the NICU ward but it doesn’t make this any easier. They’re going to continue tests. we’re first time parents and honestly this has put me off ever having another. The antenatal care was amazing but I got completely ridiculed by a consultant when I asked for a section due to my bodies reaction to the pessary & she dissuaded me from having one. Only to approve one 2 days later after multiple stressful situ’s on me and my son while he was inside me.

I am severely depressed right now. I can’t believe I’m leaving & going home with an empty car seat. Our baby should be home with us. And to top it all off, I haven’t had the emotional or mental capacity to even attempt expressing or BF’ing and I’m surrounded by the BF brigade judging me. I got the tiniest amount of colostrum for my son but I have been trying. I know it’s only been 2 days but I can’t even do skin to skin with my baby due to him being in an incubator. He’s on formula and he’s being fed while I try to recover mentally, emotionally and physically after possibly one of thee hardest weeks of my life.

I’m devastated. So is my husband. Officially put off birthing a human ever again. Thanks out dated maternity services in the UK.

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom to offer, but I'm sorry your having such a difficult time and sending lots of hugs and well wishes

Congratulations on the birth of your baby

What an intense time you have had. I am sure you are both exhausted, mentally and physically. I am so sorry things have turned out the way they have. I have no words of wisdom etc, but please do not be hard on yourself. You have been dealt a tough hand for now, and you need to just do what you can to get through. You're that little babies mummy and that baby won't care if it's formula fed or BF so please do not stress about this, you have enough on your plate. I hope it isn't too long until your baby is at home with you both x

Congratulations on your baby, well done for getting through all of that, and managing to give him some colostrum 👏 I’ve been where you are and it’s incredibly difficult.

Can you touch him through the windows in the incubator? I was told to do that before I could hold my dd when she was in NICU, even that skin on skin would benefit baby, and you.

If you do want to express for your baby and/or breastfeed with time you could try expressing while visiting in NICU, it would help stimulate your milk seeing and touching your baby while you’re doing it. But equally if you don’t want to do that for now or at all that’s your decision, not anybody else’s. I did find when my babies were in NICU & SCBU that expressing gave me something to distract me, and something that made me feel like I wasn’t completely useless, because I sure felt I was. And few mls are appreciated and helpful for your baby, quality not quantity 😊

It's shit, I'm so so sorry. I had a very early birth in December and my baby spent 3 months on the neonatal unit. It was completely unexpected, and going home without my baby was absolutely awful.

I found the expressing something I could focus on that was actually under my control, so I clung onto it like a lifeline. But do whatever you need to do to get through the days.

I'm now seeing a variety of people in the perinatal mental health sphere. Certainly for me in the early days there was nothing that could be done that would have helped me, but there is professional support that should be very very easily accessible for you. I have a crisis line number if it's of any use.

Congratulations on the the birth of your beautiful baby. It sounds like you both went through a lot.
It’s the worst feeling going home without your baby. My baby (premature) spent three months in NICU so I can sympathise a little.
Our NICU was amazing and let me visit as much as I wanted, day or night. I was also kept on the maternity ward for about a week after my section, I think I was well enough to be discharged but I couldn’t bear the thought of going home (baby in critical condition) and they had a free bed and kindly let me stay a little longer.
Once home I visited every day, sometimes until late in the night. I could sleep in a chair next to the incubator or in a “rooming in” room if it was free.
I asked for lots of breastfeeding support and managed to breastfeed.

I know everything must feel horrible right now but all is not lost. You survived and so did your baby, and believe it or not but one day this will all be a distant memory. Hang in there and look after yourself

Crossposted with @Merrow who also has excellent advice. Sorry you had to go through that Merrow xxx

That sounds hellish. You’ve all had such a rough time that you’d have to be inert not to feel as you do.

Take care of yourself physically in terms of eating and drinking and not doing too much. Tell your midwife, HV or GP that you are feeling depressed. If it gets worse tell them that too.

Do you have a WhatsApp group for updating family? You might want to get DH to let everyone know that he or you will let people know updates via that, and that if they haven’t heard anything for a while it’s because there’s no change or you’re resting. You could ask a close friend to do the same for your friends, - if constant concerned enquiries are getting too much.

I really hope your baby gets better soon. In time, you might want to consider requesting a birth debrief with a senior midwife where they will go over the events of your labour and delivery with you, referring to notes and records. It may help or you may feel you have the grounds for a formal complaint.

Tell the breastfeeding brigade to fuck off. If YOU want and feel able to give it a go in the future then you’ll be able to get help and it is possible, but your baby is getting the nutrition he needs, and you need to recover and protect your mental health. Restarting breastfeeding might just be too much on your plate.

DD2 was in NICU for a fortnight and didn’t come come home from hospital until she was four months old. I remember that dread as you approached the double doors of NICU and anxiously looking at the nurses’ body language and faces as I approached her bay for clues as to whether I was going to hear that she’d had a good or “disappointing” night …

Is he currently ventilated? The NICU team should keep you fully informed. It can be a bit of a rollercoaster. It’s good that he’s tolerating feeding, even if it’s via naso-gastric drip.

Wishing you all the best.

Hi @Scottishmum95, just checking in to see how things were today?

Hi, scary times. As a PP said there will be good days and bad but to hopefully reassure you it took a fab team of multi-didciplinary consultants 11 days to discover what was causing our DC to be in NICU. A consultant was waiting for us at 7 a m. When they knew we would arrive to tell us.

Several things (15 years down the line) still stick in my mind.

The first consultant that spoke to me when I arrived at the NICU wing asked us not to Google anything but to ask them and if they didn't know, they would find out and be honest with us.

Secondly, in the cabinet at the end of each incubator there was a little exercise jotter. The NICU nurse looking after our DC, immediately told us about it and said to start filling it in - what had happened that day - good & bad and it will give us a memory in the future as you'll forget what happened each day.

She was back on my case on day two saying fill it in, you didn't do it yesterday...... On looking, it transpires the NIC staff that had transferred them by ambulance to this specialist hospital had taken the time to fill it in during the transfer journey / on arrival at the hospital (we'll never know).

It prompted me to start writing and to this day we still have it. In the end they were in for c 7 weeks and that book stayed with them as they moved between hospitals.

Finally, they encouraged me to express milk - it gave me something to do and they let me use an electric pump in the hospital - they provided everything and then let me take it home to borrow for as long as needed. It was c 4 - 8 months (I can't remember hence start writing in an exercise book!) before he was well enough to be bottle feed my milk but allowed me to feed him when he was well enough till he was just over one.

Take care of yourself, the nurses will take care of your beautiful baby and just take a day at a time. Big hugs...... and try and write a diary! 💞

Hi OP, checking to see how things are today? I’ve been there. First baby also born by emcs, and spent 4 months in nicu. Please let the postnatal or nicu team know you are struggling, they are there to support you.

my 2 DS were prem and spent 3 weeks in ICU; it was hell seeing my baby in an incubator; listening to the other babies cry at night when I was two floors from them; going home without them.
all I can say is, use this time to get rest - your body will need it after what you’ve been thru. When the baby is home you won’t be able to.
Focus on expressing (have the nurses talked about getting a proper machine?)

after three days I went thru baby blues for a few days which is really common; everything seems worse- it will pass.

you will be home soon with your beautiful baby; and for now he’s in the best place xxx

Congratulations on your beautiful baby! I'm sorry this happened to you and that the consultant didn't listen to your wishes. (I would definitely register a complaint via NHS PALS if it was an NHS hospital.) Regarding the breastfeeding, I had a similar experience in hospital where I was made to feel like a failure for being unable to do it. My baby has been formula fed and is thriving and sleeping like a trooper! Fed is best, do whatever you need to do for your own family and quite frankly fuck what everyone else thinks! If you want to BF later, you will probably be able to boost your supply by expressing if you're feeling up to it later - it's still early days. But if not, your baby will be just as satisfied with formula. He's not gonna know the difference x

Gosh, my eyes welled up reading this, I had a very traumatic birth after my waters broke at 33 weeks in Nov and my baby spent 2 and a half weeks in NICU. I can’t lie, leaving my son to go home with empty arms was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do and felt like a physical pain. I was so scared our bond would be affected but I promise you it will not.

does the NICU allow the knitted squares? We were given 2 and I kept one and my baby kept one and swapped them, helped me feel close to him and vice versa at night.

please don’t feel bad for not BF or having them push this onto you, I felt extremely under pressure and was pumping around the clock too in a stressful environment with bleeps and noises sounding in NICU constantly; and my mental health suffered as a consequence. My son is now on formula and thriving, and fed is best. Get your partner to have a word with the staff so they back off.

when you have the strength and capacity consider a complaint and birth reflections meeting, I am yet to do this but it is on my (never ending) to do list.

lastly, speak to midwife/ health visitor or well being worker in NICU if you feel able to. My health visitor was a literal angel.

Take care of yourself and hope you can hold your baby soon and have them home xx

Hi all.

sorry I’ve been so quiet, it’s been hectic since I got discharged on Monday. I’m still struggling completely as is my husband with not having him home. Leaving him there actually destroys me, my whole body literally aches not having him here and walking through those corridors after we put him down for the night is something I don’t wish upon anyone at all, ever.

I had thee most textbook pregnancy and absolutely loved being pregnant. So this just hurts so much.

My midwife has been an Angel and been out to us 2x since I got home on Monday. I was totally honest with her about my experience and she was shocked (but also not at the same time). She said especially as I had quite an awful induction experience & a c-section I needed extra care.

Baby boy is doing well. He’s come on leaps and bounds but not able to come home until they’re happy he can keep his sats up. Still has wee Brady episodes, seems to be especially when he’s in pain aka acid reflux he just shuts down like he panics. So they’re trying to get to the root of that/ see if he outgrows the panicking to the pain.

in terms of BF, I have been expressing and got some colostrum and my supply is slowly coming in. I have to agree with some PP that it does give me a distraction and makes me feel pro-active while my baby is there. I’ll keep going as much as I can but if it really knocks my mental health worse than it is, then I’ll consider chatting to them about combi-feeding my boy with breast milk & formula as that’s what I wanted to do anyway. He’s got a feeding tube as he’s not totally mastered the sucking of a bottle yet or on the breast. But I’m more leaning towards bottle combi-feeding for a bit.

Thank you all for your well wishes and sharing your experiences - it’s not easy is it? No one really prepares you for this all. I’m sending so much love to all of you and your babies. ❤️💐

So glad to read he's coming on in leaps and bounds. Your initial post brought back a flood of memories and emotions for me. The baby I had to leave at the NICU is 16 going 17 now and a picture of health. He was just 4lb 1oz at birth and below the hospitals weight criteria for release or he would have been home earlier. Go easy on yourself, this is a tough place to find yourself xxx

Congratulations on your baby boy. Don't feel guilty about giving formula the breastfeeding team would be out of a job if they didn't persuade women to BF. Fed is best, feed the way that suits you. You can boost your milk supply now if you want to bf.

Glad to hear the progress...are you at least taking notes each day as that's been a positive day. 😃 Our LO was also tube-fed at the start - the NICU nurses initially gave the few dribbles of colostrum I managed to express and topped up with something.... till they realised they needed a special formula. I continued to express as it did give me a focus but stop if it's too much effort.

Interestingly, the NICU staff also asked our permission to give them a dummy while tube feeding as apparently they lose the technique to suck when being tube-fed. It was the feeding that kept our LO in special care as we couldn't get them to take enough formula from a bottle. Eventually we were allowed home, bottle feeding for so long and then feeding the rest through the tube.

Hang in there.... It does get easier - particularly once home and you can try different things (the tube feeding stopped within 10 days as we realised we weren't burping them right! 🤦🤷We bottle fed every four hours and then I breast fed from c 6 months - just over one years when I found out I was pregnant again (though I now know I could of continued).

Take photos as well to see the progress he's making. Congratulations again!

So glad to hear he's doing well and that you're getting support. I found the counsellor at NICU really helpful just to chat everything through with. Are you doing the tube feeds yourself? We were really encouraged to do that and while it initially felt very medical with checking the ph levels and things it was also nice to be so involved in his care. Are you able to hold him now?

I haven't logged in or posted for a year or so but your post inspired me.

I just wanted to say you are so not alone, and it is the hardest thing seeing your little one in the NICU when it is unexpected, but you will get through it and it will be a distant memory sooner than you think. I am so happy to hear your little boy is getting better, just keep trying to focus on all of the positives and do what you want to do, not what you feel you should.

My little boy was born nearly 2 weeks late via emergency C-section and rushed down to the NICU due to oxygen issues. Once there, they established he had unreadable blood glucose levels and so I went back to the ward with all of the other mums, without my baby, listening to them with theirs. I watched my poor OH go home without me or our baby boy for two nights. At three days old he was transferred to the royal London hospital and I couldn't go with him in the ambulance as I wasn't 76 hours post C-section. My Oh couldn't go as id have no way of getting to London without him. He spent a month in the NICU and you mentioning the pressure especially with BF and expressing, it is heart breaking. I felt completely bullied by some of the NICU nurses at RL. And as you say, walking away from your baby at night when the ward is closing is so heart-breaking.

My little boy is 11 months old on Sunday and I barely believe how quickly the time has passed and how small the moment he was in the NICU was. I do remember worrying that I hadn't bonded with him, he didn't want contact naps or skin to skin when we got home, which was hard but also means he is a good independent sleeper. But at this moment in time I never question our bond. He is my everything and although he's amazing with everyone else, we sill have that special bond despite not getting skin to skin, golden hour, or being able to breast feed either. You are amazing, keep your chin up 💕

Hi all,

thank you for your kind words and well wishes! He’s coming on still, he’s still on a tiny bit of oxygen and he’s taking about 20-25ml from a bottle out of 47ml but it’s so tiring for him so he’s still kinda relying on the tube. He’s really good at sucking the dummy so that’s good! He just needs to link together remembering to breathe with drinking his milk. It’s all a learning curve for him & us, too.

It’s so easy to say he’s in the best place & he’s getting the care he needs but my goodness me and my husband just yearn for him day and night. Our son had never been home but the house feels so empty without him. My heart literally aches for him, I miss the baby I carried for 9 months. 😞We can hold him so we literally cuddle him so much when we arrive. We can visit 24/7 so that’s good & they welcome calling to make sure he’s OK! ❤️

sending you all love & thank you again xxx

Hi OP. DD was born at 28 weeks and was in NICU for 3 months. I do remember feeling that the whole experience was surreal when we went home without her. I also remember struggling to express and feeling like such a failure. One of the best pieces of advice I got was from another mum who told me that stress is a reason that you find it hard to express and that it was important for my little one that I looked after myself as well. I eventually gave up as I was hardly producing any milk and it did reduce the stress,

We were encouraged to get a little blanket to put in bed with us for a few nights so that DD could have it in her incubator. I'm not sure if that's something they still do as DD is 15 now.

Every day I went in I was full of dread of what I would find. It's hard to explain but you will get through it. The first time I saw DD in her incubator I was terrified that I would disconnect something but you do get used to it. I just spent most of my time doing kangaroo care and singing to her.

It's an awful time and I was re-reading DDs discharge notes the other day. It made me really tearful. I really feel for you and wish you all the best. I'm looking at my gorgeous girl now and trying to imagine that tiny thing who fitted down my t-shirt. She definitely wouldn't now. 💐

It sounds like he's doing really well. When DS was at that stage I really worried he had plateaued - after all his progress he really just seemed stuck at that oxygen level and so sleepy. He just needed some time though, with him it definitely wasn't a linear progress. It seemed that one day I went in and was suddenly awake for every feed. Then it looked like we'd be coming home with him on oxygen and he passed a sleep study.

And I agree - it's so easy to say he's in the best place but that doesn't actually feel true. Or at least it didn't for me. He should be home and healthy and with you, and it's really shit that all three of you need to go through this. I found it really important to have someone to vent those feelings to, and I hope you have someone you can talk to (and your DH does too).

It must be so so hard for you but you sound amazing and he'll be home soon with you. The birth itself will have worn you out so so take care of yourself and if offered a chat about how your birth was / counselling , this may help later. Sending love and unmumsnetty hugs

I think im writing this in the hope that somebody says things get easier. My little boy was born at 27 weeks on the 11/04/2023, i had to have an emergency section as i had preclampsia, placenta previa and rare condition called vasa previa. My waters went and i started bleeding. I have a 22 month old daughter aswell as my little boy. Hes was born weighing 1lb5ozs and is needing alot of support with his oxygen. His due date was the 11th july. I see other mums being able to hold their baby, change them and care for them. All i do is sit and think about the day im able to do that. I help with his cares in NICU as much as i can. My mum guilt for both children is horrible, i feel like im trying my best but my best just isnt good enough because one child misses out on my attention. I feel robbed of a pregnancy with both children as i got preclampsia with my daughter aswell. My pregnancy was up and down from 21 weeks due to bleeding in and out of hospital and appointments every two days if not every day. I know im lucky to have had two beautiful babies who are my mirracles but at the same time i just feel sad. X

@Iyadsmama I didn't believe it would get easier but it somehow does? My theory is that at a certain point your brain goes into protection mode and you really do just live day to day rather than thinking about everything because it's all so overwhelming. I found there were good days when the test results were positive and then there were awful days where there were new complications or the progress wasn't what was expected. When DS2 was at the point we couldn't hold him we did the containment hold for as long as permitted (we couldn't have the incubator doors always open) and read to him, which felt like we were doing something. I found talking to the NICU counsellor really helpful, DP didn't. I felt it was essential to go in for ward round as then I had the most up to date information and could ask the doctors any questions I had. I think a lot of it is trial and error to find the least shit way of getting through this horrific period. I made sure to be back for DS1's bath time every day, and that felt like a really important point of connection for both of us.

My 27 weeker has now been home for 7 weeks and is smiling. I can't believe it. Looking at him you would have no idea about his start to life.