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Antenatal/postnatal depression

I don't want my baby anymore

49 replies

LuckyGreenGrass · 02/04/2017 17:48

Name changed for this as I'm so embarrassed and don't want to be outed.

I had my baby naturally on the 30th of March and she is now 3 days old. We came home on the 31st March after midwife checking latching etc and doctors checks.

Ever since I got home I just can't stop feeling like we have made a huge mistake having a baby. I have anxiety over feeding, nappies, health, pretty much anything I could have anxiety about.

Breastfeeding is causing me stress as my nipples already hurt like hell and I'm using shields but I can't sterilise them quick enough to keep feeding in the cycles that she seems to feed in.

She feeds for five minutes, falls asleep and then screams as soon as you move her to put her down. She will then feed again for 5 minutes and the whole process repeats itself. I don't feel like I'm getting enough into her and when the midwife weighed her today and advised she had lost some of her body fat. They aren't concerned but want me to concentrate on feeding and burping.

I haven't slept properly as all I do all night is the same cycle. I have tried hand expressing the colostrum but I just can't get it right.

What do I do? Is it just the baby blues or something more serious? I feel hideous as I do love her more than anything but sometimes all I want is to just give her back.

Sorry for the long post. I'm in tears just writing it.

OP posts:

nong45 · 02/04/2017 19:15

I was in such a state with tiredness, hormones and everything in the first few days my midwife told me to take the baby with me and go back to bed for 24 hours. She told me to just lie there and sleep, whatever time it was, around the clock, only sitting up to feed either the baby or myself and to only get out of bed to go to the loo. My DH basically had to feed me and sort the house/washing out etc. I honestly felt so much better afterwards, still a knackered mess but I had enough energy to get out with the baby for some fresh air and a walk which was at that time a massive achievement!! It does honestly honestly get better.


TiredCluelessMummy · 02/04/2017 19:17

I don't think there's necessarily any evidence that you have postnatal depression at this stage as one PP has said. I don't think you need to worry about that right now. Please don't start envisaging months of this ahead of you.

I was told by my midwife in the hospital not to be alarmed by baby blues and that they would peak at some time in the first 5 days. And boy did they. I was on my knees. I had an overwhelming sense of impending doom and dread. Everything was black. I regretted having my DD (who I actually love to the ends of the earth, and did from the second I saw her) because of it. But true to midwife's word things really did improve quite dramatically after the first week and steadily continued to improve over the following weeks.

Don't panic. Be kind to yourself. The way you are feeling now will not last forever and it has absolutely no bearing on your abilities as a mother or how much you love your baby. Please speak to your midwife, she will be able to reassure you that what you are experiencing is normal. If you feel that things are not improving with time, you absolutely must seek help. Your GP or midwives will be able to support you. Please don't suffer in silence.


welshgirlwannabe · 02/04/2017 19:18

I remember that feeling Sad at some point in the first week of ds 1's life I decided I was going to have to put him up for adoption. I was sobbing heartbroken at the thought of it but I couldn't see any other option. I was shocked at how hard and shit it was and just couldn't believe that it would get better.

Luckily for me it got better rapidly as my hormones and breastfeeding settled. What really helped me was learning to breastfeed lying down but I appreciate that might not be feasible for you right now.

Also I was helped by something I read, can't remember it verbatim but basically it said that your baby doesn't know he's born yet - you are still everything that he needs at the moment. I know that can sound claustrophobic but I took it as an invitation to shut off my head and trust in my body that I could provide everything he needed, and that it wouldnt kill me.

It's such a tough time and please let your midwife or hv know how you're feeling. You are definitely not alone Flowers


RosieposiePuddingandPi · 02/04/2017 19:22

If this was 3 months ago I would think I'd written this is my own sleep deprived state. I had a traumatic delivery with DS and spent the first few weeks if his life praying for someone to come to my door and take him away. I even considered at one point calling SS to come and get him before I went mad and did something awful. He fed badly, screamed constantly, wouldn't be put down and it turned me into a stressed, anxious madwoman. One night he made a noise during a nap and I started bawling because I was so scared of him waking up and it all starting again.

I felt like we made a terrible mistake having a baby. However, DS is now 3 months old and although he's still quite a high needs baby, he really is awesome and I now get what people mean when they talk about the love you feel only for your child.

Looking back (and knowing exactly how you feel) I wish someone had told me that it's normal not to love your baby straight away and that baby blues really do hit you like a truck.

On the feeding side, I worried constantly about whether he was getting enough and was in agony for a while with feeding. As pp have said, get as much help as you can with feeding if you want to keep going for it because there's loads of practical help out there and make the most of the midwives and health visitors, they really got me through the tough first weeks.

You are doing everything right for your baby, even if it doesn't feel like it, it make sure you do what's right for you too. Having a baby is bloody tough!!


welshgirlwannabe · 02/04/2017 19:24

Second what pp said - this might not be the start of a period of depression. It may, hopefully, just be the very real effects of pregnancy, labour, fatigue, hormones going crazy, milk coming in, the normal fear of how in you're meant to keep this little human safe, sleep deprivation and a shit load of expecitations!! Taking baby to bed for 24 hours (or a week!) Is excellent advice


isadoradancing123 · 02/04/2017 19:24

Do not feel that you must breastfeed, your baby will thrive and you will bond just the same on formula


LadyTennantofTardis · 02/04/2017 19:31

I felt awful at that point after my daughter. You are expected to be so happy but it is so difficult, painful and full of anxiety. I would highly recommend sending your husband to the pharmacy for some lanisoh cream. It's the only thing that got me through those first painful weeks. It does get better but don't be afraid to ask for some help from your health visitor.


Oly5 · 02/04/2017 19:32

OP this is all really normal. We've all been there. You need to get some help with breastfeeding and definitely douse your nipples in Lanisoh as it's an amazing cream. It's normal for your baby to feed every five minutes for hours. Just give into it, get your partner to being you tea and food and snacks and watch telly with the baby on you.
I tried so hard to be "normal" and get dressed and leave the house etc but I wish I had sat still and just fed the baby.
Your milk supply will increase and in a few months this will feel easy. Promise!


MamaHanji · 02/04/2017 19:46

I don't want to downplay what you are feeling but it is normal. That feeling of completely overwhelming helplessness and despair that you don't want to do this. That first week is the hardest thing. Your hormones are all over the place and breastfeeding is bloody painful and hard for those first few weeks. The doctors recommended that if after a couple of weeks, you still feel that way, you seek help. As someone who who has been on anti depressants a lot and went back on them 7 weeks after my first was born. Sometimes they are what's needed.

It's normal for babies to lose weight after they are born. Both mine lost around 6oz in the first week.

But it is normal to feel like you want to give them back. You love them so much it hurts. But it's also so intense and 24/7 and just the biggest adjustment ever and it's very hard. But it does get better! Give yourself time and just sit and feed. That's it, sit and feed and have skin to skin and just be with your baby xx


Jayfee · 02/04/2017 20:10

what is tongue tie? should this be checked at the hospital before discharge?
doulas sound like magic!


AndKnowItsSeven · 02/04/2017 20:13

Shields do not need sterilising between use as breast milk does not go bad as quickly as formula. A wash in hot soapy water is fine.


BorisJohnsonsHair · 02/04/2017 20:18

In case no one else has said it ... you've come to the right place.

First of all many congratulations on your new baby. The first days are really, really tough and completely overwhelming. Every hour can seem endless, especially when you're not getting any sleep.

Please talk to your Health Visitor, and if necessary give your baby formula. My DS didn't sleep for what seemed like forever and I just battled on and on with the breast-feeding, to the point where I didn't enjoy him as a baby at all. I really wish, in retrospect, that I'd switched to bottle feeds, and then DH could have helped more too.

I'm not saying give up the breast feeding straight away, but don't feel pressured into keeping going if you are feeling so terrible.

What you're feeling is pretty typical I think (although I'm not an expert). Have some Flowers.


WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 02/04/2017 20:39

Some practical advice: you don't need to sterilise the shields every time, just a quick rinse. Keep a couple of mugs of water by the bed just for this. If using a pump you only need to sterilise it once a day. Breast milk is sterile. I wish someone had told me the same before baby number 3-the hours I wasted! You're doing a great job op Flowers


skincarejunkie · 02/04/2017 20:51

Oh my lovely. I was you. It passed, I promise. Don't beat yourself up. Your body has been through a huge trauma and neither you nor your baby has done this before. Take help and reassurance where offered. I remember dreading bedtimes more than anything. It was lonely. I turned to formula at night and it helped my state of mind and made me able to cope as dh could help. Keep talking and drinking plenty. If you feel worse tomorrow please ask for help. But you might not. You might feel suddenly much better. Sending care and thoughts. And congratulations on the amazing thing you've done! Flowers


DesertSky · 02/04/2017 21:00

Ah bless your heart. Babies don't come with manuals - it's all a learning curve. Just trust your mummy instinct - there's not right or wrong way, you just go with what feels right for you and your baby...

If you seem to think she is falling asleep before getting a full tummy, then try to wake her by stripping off a layer of clothes, tickling her feet etc. Make sure she's fed enough from one breast before moving her to the other as you may not be draining that side and once your milk is in, it's the end of the feed that's high in fat. I remember mine would doze off mid-feed only to wake up again hungry within 20 minutes of putting them down to sleep. Just trying keeping her awake, winding her etc until you feel she's satisfied.
I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job. Things will get easier I promise xx


beekeeper17 · 03/04/2017 01:15

What you are feeling is TOTALLY normal, don't worry! Day 3 is the worst. I was still in hospital on day 3 and spent the whole day in tears wondering what on earth was happening and I'll never forget an amazing midwife who sat with me and said she was so happy to see me crying!! I couldn't understand what she meant as I thought I should be loving this experience as a first time mummy but she told me that the crazy emotions show that your body and hormones are doing exactly what they should be! Anyway, as rough as it is, just accept it and I promise things will get better (if they don't, please do consider the possibility of post natal depression).

I'll be honest and tell you that I found the first 6 weeks like some sort of sleep deprived hell on earth, absolutely nothing like the sweet newborn stage some Facebook friends will have you believe exists. Things improved slightly around 8 weeks, but by 12 weeks I was like some ninja momma warrior, I could do this mummy thing and make it out of the house to a baby group by 11am with clean clothes on both of us and actually hold a conversation and drink a cup of tea whilst also taking care of baby, result!!

You are doing a fantastic job, I know you'll not believe me now but really this hideous stage will pass and then you'll get smiles and laughs and you'll realise that you love your child more than anything else in the world. Just do what you need to to get through this bit, sleep when you can, take a long hot bath when you can, get some fresh air, and look after yourself.

You can do this ninja momma warrior!!


Jux · 03/04/2017 01:49

Oh gosh, you've just sent me back 17 years! You poor thing, I have such sympathy for you. I remember it so clearly, that worry, that misery, that awful feeli that you have no anchor for this world of BABY you've suddenly found yourself in. Oh, the misery of bf and the non-stop guilt that you're not good enough.

It will pass. You will feel human again. One day you'll get enough sleep!

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely child 🍾


degustibusnonestdisputandem · 03/04/2017 02:05

As others have said, day 3 is the worst. I cried pretty much the whole day with DTDs.


LuckyGreenGrass · 03/04/2017 02:48

Thank you all so much for your messages, they have really moved me and I will take on board all of the advice.

I am going to go to a breast feeding clinic today at the hospital where she was born to hopefully get some help.

I have just got 40mls of formula into her so at least I know she has something in her tummy for now. She has settled right back to sleep.

The morning is a fresh start with breastfeeding, I will wash the guards with hot soapy water rather than worry about sterilising them every time. I'm going to just persevere for her and take it one day at a time. I want to try and shift the rock that has formed in one of my boobs overnight!

I have opened up about how I feel to RL friends so have got more support from them too now.

Thank you all so much again.

OP posts:

duxb · 03/04/2017 03:44

So sorry you are feeling this way.
I cried every day the first week ir so I was home, with the crying getting more hysterical and uncontrollable each day. Baby then got colic at two weeks old and I was beside myself with anxiety and absolutely beyond exgsusted.

Everyone told me it would get better but I didn't see how it could. It did.

Those first few days and weeks are SO hard. Get someone to tag in and make sure to get a decent stretch of sheep, even if it's in the daytime. Get earplugs and ignore the mum guilt if you hear baby unsettled - your partner or whoever had baby will settle them. Everything feels better with a decent stretch of sleep. Three or four hours will feel so rejuvenating. If you can keep having a good few hours a day, it will really help.

This will pass. But if you feel in despair then please speak to your MW or GP


MaverickSnoopy · 03/04/2017 04:41

There is some great advice here, especially do nothing but feed. I struggled feeding both mine in the early days (and beyond) and reached out to formula at around day 3. Every time they latched on they would suck and then knod off. I would leave them because otherwise they wouldn't sleep and then when I moved they'd want to feed again but only suck for a few mins. I just couldn't get them reliability eating. Looking back I think I should have focused on getting a good feed in them, meaning that I shouldn't have let them knod off all the time and some of the time I should have been stripping them down, tickling feet etc. I don't believe they got anywhere near enough from me in the early days. In the end dd1 managed to get it, although we had a period of mixed feeling first and dd2 never got it and we mixed fed until about 3 months before going ff. I constantly felt like a failure but switching to ff made me be a happier mum - I'm saying that just in case you get the guilt further down the line.

I struggled so much with DD2 & in the early days I remember thinking that I had no choice to put her up for adoption and I was devastated. It's so very hard in the beginning buy it does get better. It really does. I couldn't sleep when she did because dd1 was around and I don't think I had more than about 15 hours sleep in her first 3 weeks. Seriously who can think rationally on that amount of sleep. I remember taking her out in the pram at three weeks walking in circles and I was in floods of tears because she wouldn't sleep. My parents had taken dd1 out so that I could get some sleep but then DD2 just wouldn't go to sleep. Somehow it got better. I think ff was a contributing factor but it's all such a blur!

The early days can be easier for some people but they are hell for most. This will pass and you will be ok. If you keep feeling worse then talk to your midwife but be kind to yourself and frank with her about what is making you feel like this. Don't assume it's pnd because you feel like this because it is still early days. Equally be alert in case it is pnd.

For now just feed and sleep when and if you can. Ask for help. I repeat ask for help and don't do anything else.


Jayfee · 03/04/2017 09:30

Thank you for coming back to let us know how you are getting on. Good luck


HaylJay · 03/06/2017 18:17


I just wanted to say I've been there and things can get better!

Have you considered antidepressants? Please don't feel bad about taking them - I wish I had when my son was newborn instead of going throgh hell with depression.

Also don't feel you can't try formula milk for your baby if it might make things a little easier. Don't feel bad about doing anything that can make things a little easier,
There's so much pressure as a new Mum to do things perfect and get everything right but there's no such thing as a perfect Mum!

It's truly Awful and hard to feel the way you do about being a new Mum and I think there really needs to be more help out there for new mums.

Is there anyone at all you can ask for help jn your family
Or friends?

Hoping you feel better soon! 💖


FartnissEverbeans · 03/06/2017 19:02

It sounds like you are doing so well. When I was at your stage a lovely neonatal dr told me I was a good mum. To him it was a tiny offhand comment, but it meant the world to me. So I'm going to say - you're a great mum. Look what you've done for your baby. You're fantastic.

Also, I'll echo a previous poster and recommend Milton sterilizing wipes. So quick and convenient and you'll use them for everything - for example, cleaning dummies when you're out. Great product!

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