Hi all, Ive been reading these pages over the last few days for some insight on motherhood and I thought Id join to ask for views from all you experienced, clever, loving and thoughtful mums out there.
Im a 32 year old in a reasonably happy marriage with a loving, supportive and understanding husband and a good, well paid job in London. Im now obviously at an age where I need to think about having children and I cant say Im thrilled about the prospect at all. I just never felt a particular emotional need for children or a special bond with them. I dont hate kids, I get on well with my nieces and nephews when I see them, my god-daughter loves me, I enjoy buying them gifts etc., I just dont have desire for one myself and my life seems perfectly good without right now.
My husband, my family and even his family think I am selfish and arent afraid to say it whether directly or indirectly. I feel this is unfair as it asks that one should conform to others idea of what happiness is and what life should be about. I hate being (or feeling) pressured and bullied into something so life-changing and important for a woman and her sense of self. After all, its not all about the selfish me but also about another life who would be affected if Im not enjoying the situation or Im not able to give it the time, attention and most of all, love it needs to thrive.
Additionally, Ive been feeling quite depressed, angry and even a bit suicidal lately. I went to see a psychiatrist thinking its the general stresses of life and work that have gone unchecked for some time or even a specific condition which I thought runs in the family. One of the things hes pointed out after only an hour of conversation is my conflict with husband which I gloss over. The main disagreement we have is precisely the one over children though this is, I realise, very important in the medium and long term.
A lot of the posts I read here on MN are filled with pain and suffering caused by pregnancy and child-rearing. In real life I also see that many of my friends and family, even the very strong ones, had or are having a hard time with childbirth and babies. When I visit them, I can see that kids are beautiful and can bring joy & love, but those mums dont look very happy to me-whether the reason is stress of looking after the clingy babies all the time, their self-image, lack of fun (incl sex), sometimes lack of support from their partners, the cost of bringing up kids etc. etc. There are a few that seem happy/content and able to cope with it in a positive way but they are in a minority. Overall, and please dont take this personally if in a similar situation, there isnt much that I envy about their life.
Please can you offer some honest advice-is it the curse of modern times where we (over)think, or we have or we know too much & therefore I should just take a leap of faith given the good circumstances I am in and not be selfish or I will regret it later?
Should I give it a few more years as it shouldnt be too late for me then? Im just worried if I dont truly have a change of heart, my husband would have spent all this time, in the end to be denied the family he so wants although for men its never too late, right?
Or should I just follow my feelings & instincts in which case the answer is all too clear to me and will require some very difficult conversations and decisions.
Thank you in advance