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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Not sure if my wife has PND or just hates me

35 replies

dad123456 · 24/05/2014 05:47

Hi, I'm a dad and our DD is a year old now (first child). For the last 10 years with my wife, we've been best friends, had a great time together, supported and loved each other.

About 4 or 5 months after the birth we had our first row, and it was pretty major. This was about something I thought was quite insignificant, however my wife just exploded, asked me to leave the house, called the police when I refused (I was reading quietly at the time when she found my presence objectionable). I turned out the she didn't think I was providing enough support for her, though she hadn't said anything about this to me prior to the explosion. I should be "just known"...

A year on, with many other episodes and ups and downs, I've done everything I can to help since she explained the issue. On top of a full on job that means I leave the house at 6.00am, and return at 7.00pm, I get home, and clean the kitchen after her and DD every evening. Mostly I've been making my own dinners. I don't normally get to see DD in the week unless she's awake early enough.

My wife has done other things to me, such as deliberately waking me up at night, hiding my phone, locking me out, hiding car keys, throwing my things about. I can't go into specifics in case she reads this...

The issues she has with me are: I don't do enough for her or DD, I don't contribute enough financially, I don't do enough around the house, I'm lazy, selfish and so on.

The situation now is that she tells me she hates me and my family (they've only ever shown her love), and wants us to separate. She cancelled our holiday recently and took DD away for a week to her parents without telling me she was doing so, and left me at home with a week off with no contact with DD other than a handful of texts, mainly from her mum. I'm really upset that she did this to me and don't really know if or how I can stop her doing it again. I feel she's got control, and there's nothing I can do. It feels like she's claimed ownership of DD for herself and her family to the exclusion of me and mine.

I've told her that I'm sticking by her and DD, whatever she throws at me, and that she can separate if she wants to but it's not coming from me. I've told her I'm there for her when she "snaps out of her madness" (probably not the best choice of words resulting in more abuse), but I'm at my wits end with her.

So I just don't know if her hate is justified (and I'm sure she would have a different, other side of the story), or if she might be suffering from PND. She won't acknowledge this, and accuses me of trying to make her think she's mad, and tells me she' lucky she has a supportive family who assure he she's not and she's doing a great job raising DD (and she is a great mum to DD!!).

We've had such an amazing 10 years prior to this, I really had found the love of my life, my soulmate, best friend, everything, and it's just unravelled since having DD. With a couple of bereavements in my close family already this year, I'm just struggling to cope with this situation (I need to stop wallowing in self pity I'm told), I just don't know what to do. Not even sure if she'll let me spend today with my daughter.

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 24/05/2014 22:37

I feel for you OP, but I wonder how much you are listening to your DW?

When you have a baby, the woman's life changes irrevocably, whereas the bloke goes back to work after 2 weeks.

I really hated DH at times as his life carried on as before whereas I had lost so much. One Saturday he went out Ruth his family, was out all day, came back late and moaned he was tired and then had a lie on on Sun. I exploded that day and DH was shocked as he just didn't think.

I would agree that counselling might be a good start. Hope all goes well for you.


thegambler · 24/05/2014 22:55

Interesting how this is being viewed by some posters "are you listening to your DW" etc. Wonder how it would be viewed if it was you treating her like this, my guess is the letters L,T and B would be bandied about.

Also I'm really ticked off with the attitude that "the bloke goes back to work after 2 weeks" as if becoming a parent has no effect on us. Your husband may be like that, don't tar everyone


zippey · 24/05/2014 23:11

Sorry to hear about these latest developments. I can see things from her side - that she is doing everything with the child most days, and when you come home, everything will be done, and she is probably resentful about that. You dont see your child most days and you dont really see her much either. Its almost like you are relative strangers.

After having kids, peoples priorities change, and maybe she believes that your's havent changed much.

However, I do understand its not something you can change, because its your job.

So to that end she is being completely unreasonable and unfortunatly she holds most of the cards. Do you get along with her parents or friends? Maybe they can shed more light as to what is going on. Do you think she is having an affair?

If seperation is what your wife wants then maybe it can be a positive. Having some time away can make things seem more real and perhaps you will be happier, rather than stay in this abusive relationship. I would also look at getting legal help asap. Id make sure that there are processes in place to make sure you can see your daughter and pay maintenance too.


NaturalBaby · 25/05/2014 08:49

Another issue may be hormonal. I turned into a mad, explosive, angry person and it took a long while to realise my hormones were playing a big part. I changed contraception and was a different person.
It doesn't sound like she's herself with explosive outbursts.


TheSarcasticFringehead · 25/05/2014 10:38

I agree zippey this sounds abusive. Whether it is caused by PND, hormones or simply her, I don't know and that would have to be worked out, but it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship left at all.


dad123456 · 25/05/2014 17:39

Had a daddy's outing today with DD. Took DD to the beach (about 1.5h drive) because the weather today has been so nice. We had a really, really lovely time together. I held her hands while she walked by the sea (my back is killing me now with all the stooping over!), we petted some dogs, had a lovely tea and drive back. Home now, and will be bathing DD shortly, just before she goes to bed. I must be honest that I wish DW had been with us, but she was spending time with a friend, and I'm not sure what the atmosphere would have been like in any case.

I am feeling pretty low though. Had a call in the afternoon from DW asking why on earth I had driven so far, didn't I know it would upset DD's routine, make sure you get her home by 5pm, did I make sure she had a hat and sunscreen on, she better not come back with sunburn. That was about the sum total of the conversation.

To be honest I probably shouldn't be bleating on about how I'm feeling. I posted to find out if what I described was anything like PND. Sounds like it's not. Maybe hormonal as TSF and NB said, DW's not on contraception, don't know if that would make any difference.

OP posts:

round2 · 25/05/2014 18:30

Hi Dad123456,

Sorry you're family is going through this.

I suffered PND after my dd was born and to be honest my husband could not do right for doing wrong. If he was home with me now I would ask him to message with you about his experience of our PND .

The problem is when I was going through PND it was all about my feelings and what I was doing. I felt like I was a single parent! This was far from the truth as my husband wished he could do more and would try very hard to support me.

I am a bit of a control freak anyway but I think having PND made it much worse. I felt I knew everything when it came to our DD. I would often over advise my DH. It was a very difficult time in our lives.

The only difference is I did recognise it was PND and got help. This really does need to come from your dw. I completed a depression questionnaire online with my true feelings and took it with me to the doctors.

At first I did believe it was all my resentment for my husband making me feel this way but this obviously was furthest from the truth.

Having never suffered depression in my life and being a very motivated and happy person this hit me (us) hard. Effecting our family unit massively. I felt it very difficult to admit at first. How could I suffer PND. I never understood how people got depressed before.

I do hope your family can get through this. Good luck.


NaturalBaby · 25/05/2014 20:25

Who else have you got to talk to though? You're going through a tough time, you're trying to make sense of it, there's nothing wrong with that.
You're DD is lucky girl, sounds like she had a lovely day. I can't remember the last time my dc's went to the beach!


Georgethesecond · 25/05/2014 20:30

My DH had a spell of clinical depression a couple of years ago. It seemed as though he hated me.


Secondtimedad1977 · 18/08/2015 08:33

Hi there, I know this is an older thread but reading it I can relate to so much of what is on here. I put 'my wife hates me' into Google and hey presto! My partner and I (we are not married) have just had our second baby, a beautiful little boy. He arrived 3 weeks early. We already have a 2 year old boy. The birth of our latest arrival was very tough and wrought with complications but both he and mum are home and doing really well. I think it's fair to say that me and my partner have a fiery relationship at the best of times but that said when it's good, it's really good. We laugh a lot and have many similar interests. We both absolute adore our son and have been very excited about the arrival of the second. I vividly remember how tough the first 3 months were the first time, the sleep depravation, the raging hormones etc, so have been prepared this time around but it feels different.
Due to compilations, my partner went into hospital for observation several times in the run up to the birth and she was admitted again, what would turn out to be 5 days before the baby was delivered. During this time I was looking after our toddler at home, visiting her 3 times a day at the hospital and running a business. My mum kindly helped out with the childcare but my boy just wanted his daddy. As we had been caught off guard, I also had to tidy the house top to bottom, get all of the old baby clothes out of the garage and washed, buy new clothes and wash them, buy a changing table, feeding chair, Moses basket and countless other Baby items. Mum and baby came home 3 days after the birth and during that time I pulled 18 hour days. Sure, I was tired but I knew what was on the horizon so just got on with it. Since being home I have been tidying up after her, the baby and our toddler, cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyone, doing all the shopping, as well as doing my share of baby changing and feeds (he's on a mix of breast & expressed milk and formula to top up). I realise that she was having a much tougher time both physically and mentally and am honestly not complaining about any of this. To cut what is already a long story short, and what I am complaining about is she keeps shouting at me and telling me I'm lazy and she does all the work and that I'm a crap father. This really upsets me and she knows it. She won't let our parents come over to take our other son out to give us a rest, as they annoy her. Parents and parents in law are annoying, we all get that but pros far out way the cons. They can not do enough to help us and I find it rude that she rejects them. I have put my foot down and moved into the spare room but still do night feeds and get up early with our other son. I called her out for being abusive and she did say she knows she's tough to live with at the moment. I have been biting my lip not to shout back as I know she is very hormonal and that it will only exacerbate the situation but that said, I am pretty furious. I realise that this is my perspective and there are 2 sides to every story but it bugs me how when we have guests, everything is 'fine' and I'm being a rock and a great support, but behind closed doors, It's the opposite.

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