Desperate. Terrible sense of loss and despair at being pregnant.

[Carolyn76]

I am hoping there is someone out there who could help or reassure me - I'm wracked with misery.

I have never seen myself having a baby - I actively feel quite negative about them - and about small children - yet I know that I want a family - an older family of teenage children of my own, and there's only one way to get that.

My mother has put a lot of pressure on me, telling me that I'd regret it terribly if I didn't, that its different when they're your own etcetc. and is in complete denial that there is anything negative whatsoever about having children.

I don't know why, but I've never had any illusions about the total and complete change of life-as-you-know-it that having a baby brings, and at the forefront of my mind all my life has been the demands a child places on you; the lack of freedom and independence, lost opportunities, not to mention financial strain, social complexities of bringing up a child etc. I've always been relieved not to be in that position. I run my own business single-handedly and I work in quite a male-dominated world. I like that I have little exposure to the child-things I shudder at.

I now find myself inadvertently 5 weeks pregnant. I say inadvertently because at our age (37 & 41), we really didn't believe for a second that we'd conceive in 2 months and weren't actively trying - just not actively preventing. We're both reeling from the shock and I've fallen into a deep depression - in effect, a sense of grief and mourning for my life as I know it. I've never envied my friends' families or newborns, its always been a relief to return from visits to the calm, quiet order of my own home, free from all the plastic paraphernalia I detest so much. And the dawning realisation that that world of grotesquely distended bellies, baggy bodies and then the awfulness of being in a "child world" of ghastly kiddy TV shows and baby clothes, and poo and vomit for years on end will soon become my reality.

I strongly disapprove of abortion, and I know I definitely couldn't handle it emotionally, so am praying for a miscarriage - just to buy me some time to think about what I really do want as I'm so confused. But I really do want to want this baby. I want to feel excited about it, or just be reassured that I won't be completely ambivalent or resentful of it when its born. The only thing keeping me going is that I love my partner dearly and imagining his features in its face is the only comfort I find - perhaps because loving him is familiar to me and thinking of the baby as his baby does help a little. After that fleeing moment of relief, though, my mind then moves back to the loss of my independent life, the exhaustion and my perception of the relentless boredom and domestic drudgery of childrearing that I truly abhor.

Is there anyone out there who felt like this? I'm desperately seeking someone who did and emerged as a parent without regretting the decision to stick with it, and who is truly in love with their child. Can anyone tell me that they've felt the same beforehand and yet are so glad they saw their pregnancy through?

I feel like the most horrible, unnatural person in the world, and this is such a taboo subject that I can't tell anyone (not even in full to my partner) for fear of judgement. I'm too scared to tell anyone I'm pregnant because I won't be able to react how you're expected to (i.e. be happy).

I beg you not to judge me - I am so aware of how lucky we are, but I can't help how I am instinctively feeling. I'm just engulfed with misery, fear, regret and despair.

Please can someone help me?

Ladies, thank you - I am going to keep re-reading these messages each time I feel bad. Thank you to every one of you for your input - I really am so grateful for the time and trouble you've all taken to reassure me that there are others who have felt like me and were glad they had their children.

I felt almost optimistic about things yesterday, but a reminder this morning of my soon-to-be-lost-forever days of solitary backpacking, and that indescribable joy and abandon that lone travel brings, set me off into despondency, grief and a choking sense of suffocation again.

I simply cannot imagine a child compensating for the emotional sacrifice of my freedom I think I am making, but all I can do is trust in what you are all saying. I will keep reading and reminding myself of all your experiences. I'm going to shut up now as this isn't a psychologist's chair and given half a chance I'll never stop going on about it!

Thank you all so much......

Carolyn ....I was pregnant at 37....dp was 46.

Not a maternal bone in my body....both great careers full of travel.

Not planned....I was horrified.
Partner was on the fence.

Went to terminate very early. Had appointment and I'd misunderstood thinking I could take first tablet , however appointment was just for consent forms etc. I was annoyed had to go back 3 days later.

Dp convinced me this was fate and we should not return to clinic but keep the baby.

The rest is history dd now 3.5 adorable and wouldn't change having her for anything.

However I have never ever been 'broody' and still not really into babies.... just my little companion....because she is amazing and a miracle to me

Good luck on your journey Caroline ....I bet you really suprise yourself....

Take care x

Carolyn - you are probably far more normal than you could possibly know. You are just braver than most in actually voicing your fears.

But please remember that a baby doesn't have to mean plastic paraphernalia and no more travel. It just depends how you choose to do it. I have lovely friends who met each other travelling, spent most of their year's together travelling before they found themselves pregant with a surprise baby. They both promised that the baby wouldn't stop their lifestyle and we all smirked thinking we know better , just you wait etc

Well, their beautiful girl was just 3 months when they went back to India and travelled across Thailand with baby in a backpack. Not a bit of plastic tat in sight. They had an amazing time, their trip enhanced by having the best conversation starter there could be and they have carried on travelling on and off ever since. Their dd is now an incredibly well-rounded, confident and happy teen, who has had an amazing childhood and if she gets half a chance will probably follow on in her parents footsteps.

Babies are actually designed to be portable and travel almost free.

I love children. Worked with them and everything! Then I got pregnant with DS unplanned and was devasated. I hated every minute, felt there was a parasitic alien in my body, the works. I had PND too, just mechanically caring for him and feeling nothing. And then one day I realised I loved him hugely, and I even wanted another!

You are not alone feeling like this, honestly.

Why didn't you you use contraception? ( genuine question) but surely you knew at 37 you would still be fertile.

Oh my goodness, SUCH encouragement - thank you! I was planning a trip to Argentina in November before I learned of my news, but if we postpone it a few months (easy) I can still go. Bettebotter - I can't tell you how happy your story has made me feel.

And thank you all, for the understandings and not-aloneness.

Soontobesix - its a good question, and one I've been asking myself repeatedly all week. I guess I can only explain that "imagining" how you will feel to be sharing your life with a child is entirely different from "knowing" how you'll feel at the prospect. We were not actively trying, just not actively contracepting and I honestly didn't think it would happen at all, let alone so fast, before we had time to properly evaluate.

A bit like watching skydivers and thinking "hmm, that must be great", but when you get up in that plane, your viewpoint is totally different from the view you had on the ground, and suddenly you think "Holy crap - this is terrifying, I had no idea it'd look or feel like this. I don't want this afterall - I wish I'd stayed on the ground and appreciated where I was". Does that make sense? There is just no trial run for preparing to be a parent - you can't try those feelings on for size and reject if you don't feel how you thought.

To continue the analogy, some would-be skydivers do find the courage to jump and find it exhilerating and can't wait to do it again, others may chicken out, and forever regret their cowardice, feel neverending guilt and forever wonder what it might have been like. And a very tiny, tiny, percentage do jump - but have a traumatic accident with huge consequences, and wish they'd stayed on terra firma. I suspect that the latter is incredibly rare! I think I've just given a rational response to my irrational feelings!

Btw it is possible to have pregnancy depression. It's well known and something many women feel. It would not surprise a medical professional at all.

I also should have said OP, I went travelling with my daughter when she was only 5 months old - flew from Australia to Europe, travelled around a few countries for a month, before returning home. I'm about to fly off somewhere else this week just within the country, but it'll be her 7th plane trip and she's not even a year old! Don't accept what other people tell you about limitations - you can choose to do things differently!

And yes, feeling this way is far more common than you'd think. Pregnant women are supposed to be glowing and happy according to the media - ha! It's not like that for many, many women.

Both my children were IVF and very much wanted. With DC1 I was totally in love with the idea of having a baby when pregnant and was really looking forward to the birth and being a mother. When he was born however I didn't bond with him at all at first - they might as well have put a puppy on my breast after having him. I found the first few months terribly hard and wished I could go back to my old life. With DC2 I felt similar to you when I fell pregnant - I actually wished I wasn't pregnant and when I had a major bleed at 11 weeks i felt quite indifferent to the prospect of a miscarriage. However when she was born I was totally smitten immediately. That's not to say I'm an earth mother this time around - I have a very big career and miss being at work. I feel bored and isolated at times and wish I could be doing something else rather than being at home with the baby. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you just can't predict how you will feel when you have the baby based on how you feel when pregnant. And it is Totally Normal to have anxieties and to not bond with your baby, either when pregnant or post natally. In my case, DC1 is the absolute apple of my eye and I love him desperately, and have done since he was about six months old. I am very proud of myself that despite my indifference after he was born, I made a huge effort to be a good mum to him and he is a happy, confident and cherished little boy. You are human - we can't all gladly devote our lives to our kids with joy and happiness like cultural expectations assume. I need my own life and my job but I love my children enormously and am a good mum - by no means perfect but 'good enough'. I'm really sure you will be too. And remember, you also have your other half to help you and to be a parent to your baby too. It's not just down to you!! Good luck xx

OP thank you for your post and your honesty about your feelings.

Your words resonate almost exactly with how I'm feeling right now (38 and 6weeks pregnant with 1st).

In my case however, relationship with other half is not going well and I'm reconsidering (after 17 years) whether this is indeed the person I want to spend my life with!
Your original post was a few months ago - how are you feeling now?

Callie123 - I have only seen your post now, almost a year later. I am so sorry to hear of your emotional pain. I actually miscarried at 8 weeks on 28th Feb 2014. Whilst I had hoped and wished for a way off the rollercoaster that I didn't have to initiate, there was sadness and disappointment. It made me realise that despite all the fear and dread, I did want the baby after all. I saw the MC as a valuable lesson and I am glad it happened to teach me something I didn't have to resent for the next 9 months.

I am now 38 weeks pregnant again, due any day and mightily uncomfortable with crippling PGP but this baby is loved and wanted and amazingly, not even slightly resented, even with the pain I'm in.

I am gobsmacked by the change in myself. Never saw that coming. Where are you in your journey?

Carolyn76
That's amazing! I guess your baby is here now - congratulations!! I hope you are enjoying being a mama.
My journey has been an emotional roller coaster but everything turned out great in the end. There were some dark times with pre-natal and post-natal depression and sleep deprivation in the early months, but I have an amazing 4 month old daughter who makes it all worthwhile. :)

Carolyn76 i would love to hear how it went.
I a in the position you described in your first post, suffocated, resentful and desperately sad. I don't know what to do, i have no desire to have a child but feel i will regret not having one in later life.
I dont know where to turn, i have started some therapy but i feel i'm resisting it.
The depression has hit me so hard, and i'm worried it will continue after the birth and i will resent the baby.

Ginger,

I Read you message above and didn't want to leave it unanswered.

Hopefully bumping it will get you more responses.

Hello I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice I am 16 weeks pregnant and I have been having really strong suicidal thoughts due to my anxiety and depression and insomnia I have admitted myself into hospital so that I can get the best possible help to fight this because the last thing I want is for social services to take my baby . At the time when I was at my lowest I didn't feel any connection to the baby which sounds awful I know and I thought the baby would be better off without me .. I didn't harm myself because o knew that would harm my baby so Hello I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice I am 16 weeks pregnant and I have been having really strong suicidal thoughts due to my anxiety and depression and insomnia I have admitted myself into hospital so that I can get the best possible help to fight this because the last thing I want is for social services to take my baby . At the time when I was at my lowest I didn't feel any connection to the baby which sounds awful I know and I thought the baby would be better off without me .. I didn't harm myself because o knew that would harm my baby so I have seeked help .. My doctor has said because I was suicidal they have to inform social services as a procedure I am so scared that they will take my baby off me
Thank you x

I am the epitome of a 'kiddie person' - always wanted kids, a teacher, very maternal. I totally recognise the feeling you are describing - I have felt this way in all my 3 pregnancies. I don't know what the right answer is for you but I do know that feeling this way doesn't mean that you wouldn't love your child... And they really aren't small babies/toddles for long xx

Time'please please start your own thread; you'll get loads of support, I promise. This is a really old thread and your post will be missed in here.

And to NotYour - do one.

notyour, what a vile post.

OP, I have just read this thread and firstly I'm so sorry for your loss of the baby. I hope everything has gone well with this pregnancy, and I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about the whole thing

All I can say is that it can be a pretty daunting thing to find out you're pregnant, and the feelings you and other posters here have described is more common than we think, I believe. It just doesn't get talked about much, because you expect yourself to feel a certain way and not feeling so can make you feel quite guilty and ashamed. Please don't be.

When I got pregnant the first time it was unplanned and i was scared, I felt trapped, in shock and slightly in denial. I was in a happy relationship and didn't really want my life to change, I was young and had so much I hadn't done still. I was more worried than anything for some reason that I wouldn't be able to cope with anything, at all, and would be rubbish at all the baby stuff.
I lost the baby at 8 weeks and it broke my heart. I realised then how much I wanted to be a mum.

A year and a half later I got pregnant again. I was happier this time, but still scared, anxious, nervous. Throughout the pregnancy my feelings got more and more positive. When he was born I loved him, but I still had moments where it was all scary and so much pressure and responsibility and at times I just wanted to run away from it all. But it really does get better, believe me, even you don't bond immediately when baby is born, you get there, and it's so so worth it.
Everyone who feels like this, speak out and get help, you won't be judged. It will be ok

I am so pleased (maybe the wrong word) about finding this post... the way that people have written about how they have been feeling just resonates with me completely. I was not actively trying but nor trying to prevent, so shouldn't have been such a shock... I have had such an easy pregnancy, and just feel so guilty for not being totally over-the-moon about it, or having to fake excitement when people ask me if I'm excited (my stock retort is actually, I'm totally terrified). My brother and his partner have just had a baby, which I am also godmother too- though I cannot bring myself to hold her - I just find nothing interesting about newborn babies. I feel quite detached from my bump, and really don't like people pointing it out to me (yes, I know it is there...) and I don't find particular pleasure in the baby kicking. I feel like an ungrateful, horrible person. I just feel that I should be enjoying this time - but as much as I try I just cannot - I just want my body back. Despite being obviously pregnant, feeling the baby and having had scans I still cannot/ won't allow myself to believe it at all, and worry that, like posts above, my life is, effectively, over - and that I will be a terrible mother to boot. I have just been feeling so totally awful,and guilty - but am so relieved to know that I am not the only one who has feelings like this - and that there is positivity at the end of it... I am 32 weeks now - and whilst I had a lull in these kind of feelings for the past few weeks - they are now back with a vengeance....

Hello everyone,

I wanted to resurrect this (very old!) post, as it may bring some hope and encouragement to others.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe the change in myself since I wrote this back in 2014. I literally don't recognise the feelings I wrote about. I don't feel a "change" as in feeling something unfamiliar, new and "changed", but just simply that I am exactly the same person I have always been, but with totally comfortable, familiar, safe, happy feelings about life and pregnancy and birth and babies, that are just different from what they used to be.

My beautiful, witty, hilarious, energetic, characterful daughter is now 3.5. I am amazed daily by how much I love her with each passing day. My eyes fill up with tears on a daily basis when I think about what an enrichment she has been to my life. Yes, its not a perfect existence of calm and order and self-centred pursuits, but my goodness, I would not go back to those days despite the often tedium of caring for small children and the associated restrictions. Its only now that I can experience how "empty" my life was emotionally, in comparison to now, despite a happy relationship and good social life.

I wanted to say to anyone that's reading this and feeling how I did a few years ago that there is light and hope if you're pregnant and terrified about not wanting the child. It. Is. Totally. Different. When. Its. Your. Own. That's all I can say. I still don't like other kids particularly; I'm not interested in kiddy nonsense, but it does feel relevant and sort of interesting now.

Far from being horrified and revolted about pregnancy and birth (yes, I had special counselling to get me through it!), I now actively yearn for another crack at the whip, I'd love to be pregnant again and I actively watch One Born Every Minute and weep throughout with wonder (and envy). Envy??!! Yep. I actively want all that, whereas once I thought of it as the worst thing that could ever have happened to me.

So, please, anyone in that place that I was in, take heart. There is something deep inside every female's heart and soul that is just there and will emerge when that baby makes an appearance. Not immediately, perhaps, but that love grows and when it does - oh my goodness, its the biggest love you'll ever feel.