Terrified to admit I have PND. What if I'm just shit at this and it won't ever get better?

[purrtrillpadpadpad]

Struggled with AND but put it down to missing cigs. Somewhat stupidly, I now see.

When my DD arrived via EMCS and I had a major PPH and failed to establish breast feeding, I tried to hold myself together. I absolutely adored my DD.

After the colic and really bad reflux where every single feed was a nightmare, I became quite detached. The endless crying, the planking when trying to feed. The endless arguments with DH because the endless crying/screaming isn't a pleasant backdrop to normal life.

The endless weigh ins. Plateauing then dropping then being told we should worry, then we shouldn't, we should do this or that. My parents and my PIL had their own views. We were just worrying too much. Even when she wasn't taking anything at all, we were just worrying too much. We weren't.

Now she's 6 mo and objectively I see that she is still as adorable as ever, but there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'm underwater, I try to reach for Nice Mummy but she's not there, I have no niceness left, I'm Horrid Mummy. I feel like everyone can tell. I'm living a lie. At least once a day I fantasise about leaving her and my DH.

I'm scared of saying I think I have PND and it turning out that this isn't PND. It's not fixable. What if it's not?

Really struggling and just don't know what to do anymore.

OP I don't know if you have PND or not but what you have written sounds very similar to how I felt when I did have PND.

My second baby also had reflux and it's hard to describe just how awful it was. I used to dread going to bed because the night feeds were the worst time (not that the days were much better). Dh was so tired he drove the car into our front wall

I'm really glad you've decided to go and see your GP. Mine was really helpful and with anti-depressants and counselling and time I did get better. Noone mentioned anything about my baby being at risk or taking him away. I really hope you can get the right help and support and feel better very soon.

I had a high needs baby.

Not gonna interned diagnose a stranger BUT I would have described my PND like you did. Word.for.word.

Also second the opinion of healthy visitors, chocolate blimmin teapot as far as pnd. A combination do SCBU outreach nurse, GP and the local mental health crisis team nailed it for me.

I'm three years down the line from that and I just cannot describe the difference. It's been a revaluation, I'm not shit, I do actually love my child. I am a person,a real one with feelings and stuff. PND is so insidious, because it hits your self worth, makes you doubt whAt you are thinking and pushes you away from getting help.

Please go to your GP. You are not a crap mum. You are amazing. And you deserve to realise that.

I guess that's the problem. It's a big deal being able to admit there's a problem on the Internet where I can be more honest about things, but I'm a people pleaser and tend to minimise my feelings and the general truth of how bad it is, to save others from fretting. Sounds ridiculous I know. I'm also a pushover, so I expect there will be people in my life who tell me there is no problem whatsoever and that I'm just being attention seeking or I'm just worrying too much or something equally as dismissive. I have a good marriage and a nice normal house in a nice normal area, something a lot of people my age don't have these days because it's impossible to afford. Not sure if the expression is right, something like gilded cage?

But yeah. Just crippled by a sense of needing to get help but not having the strength to ask for it.

PND doesn't discriminate - I had (and have) a lovely DH, supportive family, nice house when PND hit me. Still happened, though. As with 'normal' depression, there isn't a hierarchy of who deserves to feel depressed.

And, like you, I'm a people pleaser and very good at pretending everything is fine when it's not. And this very much contributed to a nervous breakdown when DD was tiny, as I couldn't go on pretending any more.

Hopefully you won't get to that stage (not trying to scare you - talking to people on MN is a great first step) but it'd be good to chat to a doc. When the emergency doc came to my house the morning of my breakdown he was amazing, sympathetic and assured me I'd be OK, even though I didn't believe him. He called an ambulance (which I thought was overkill) and had me admitted to hospital and while that was a low point, it slowly got better from there.

Good luck. Hope this week is going well.
xx

I remember crying in my lovely HV's office, wailing "but what have I got to be depressed about? I'm so lucky! Other people have much worse to deal with" Still had PND though.

My theory regarding my own PND, fwiw, was that it was the severe sleep deprivation (and stress) that tipped me into it. After a nighttime feed poor refluxy ds was inconsolable and by the time we'd settled him it was nearly time to feed him again and it was so stressful that we'd struggle to get back to sleep knowing he would be awake again in half an hour or whatever.

PND is nothing to feel ashamed of. Go and see your gp. He/she won't judge you and is there to help you. Please don't suffer any longer. You will get better and parenting does get easier. You have got past probably the hardest stage. Sleeping is a big deal and over the next few months you will find your baby eats more and sleeps better. This will help. You are doing nothing wrong. Get help !