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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to bring up our son in flat only a tiny balcony for outside space?

52 replies

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 11:49

I currently live in a two bed flat with my partner and son. The flat is a reasonable ish size, well everything but the kitchen (which is tiny) but it is not the space that is really getting me but the lack of outside space for our son to play in, dig in, get dirty and generally be a child in.
It is really getting to me a lot; it has been for the past 2 years since we moved here and its only getting worse.
I was lucky when I was a child as I grow up on a farm which is another reason why I hate the flat so much from never being indoors to have no outdoors is hard.
I feel like by not being able to teach my son about nature and plants (which is a very very big thing to me) and that I?m failing him. I do my best with a tiny balcony we have but it so small that one person can fit out there at a time and it not safe for children really.
I don?t know what to do anymore? I can?t afford to save up a deposit to move back it no private rented (nor can we afford the rent)and no one will swap 1st floor flat with noisy neighbors no outside space for a house with a garden?
Me and my partner work hard to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads but I can't help feeling we are failing our son being able to give him a garden to enjoy?

OP posts:

southeastastra · 17/03/2010 11:52

my ds(16) lived with us in a 2 bedroom flat until he was about 8, we had no balcony we just went out alot how old is your son?

mamatomany · 17/03/2010 11:52

I thought that when we lived in a town house with a court yard garden.
Then we moved 200 miles bought the house with the garden, a huge swing slide set and the buggers still want me to take them to the park anyway.
We've moving back to a town house in 2 years time when we can afford it because of course the lovely house we left has trebled in price

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/03/2010 11:53

You're not failing him, but it sounds hard on you coming from a farm.

Parks, allotments, trips to the countryside. He'll be fine.

pranma · 17/03/2010 11:55

You are giving him love and security. Walks in the park andtrips and picnics in the country at weekends will give you plenty of opportunities to share and pass on your love of the natural world.You are not failing at anything at all.

oldernowiser · 17/03/2010 11:57

Tortoise's suggestion of an allotment is a brilliant idea. Are there any near you?

StepSideways · 17/03/2010 12:01

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it, if you put your mind to it you'll probobly find lots of great outdoors places to take him, try hacing a look at the national trust or english heritage maps on their websites for places, I didn't realise I was surrounded by them.

I can understand how you feel though, if I could move to a countryside house with a big garden etc for DS to play in I would do so tomorrow.

DecorHate · 17/03/2010 12:02

It is normal to live in an apartment without any outside space (even a balcony) in many parts of the world. And if you both work during the week it is really only an issue at weekends isn't it? What are the parks like where you live? We are lucky to have lots nearby plus bits of woodland, etc though tbh the dcs would often rather be indoors watching tv!

Do your parents still live on a farm? if not there is sure to be an open/city farm somewhere near you.

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 12:10

My son is 3 in July. I take him out as much as possible but work from home (self-employed) so taking him out all the time is just not possible, plus you cant go digging up the park to grow plants.
we try to go out to the parks trust event but most of them are for school ages children.
I have our name on the allotment list it has been since we moved in but we are no were near the top of the list.
I just feel so guilty over it.

OP posts:

happysmiley · 17/03/2010 12:15

To keep you going till the allotment comes up do you have enough room for a few pots on your balcony or a window box? We have the tiniest patio garden but I content myself with few pots of herbs and some tomato plants. Last year, I even grew a courgette plant (but that was a bit big!) and FIL gave us some small strawberry plants. It's amazing what you can do even in a small space.

southeastastra · 17/03/2010 12:16

does your local children's centre do anything outdoorsy based? i think our's do a sort of toddler gardener type thing

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 12:23

I wish my parents still lived on the farm but they have gone the seperate ways in live. The two open farms ner us are very expensive to vist so I cant afford to take him very often.
The parks near by are ok ish though old and often full of older kids hiding from school.

OP posts:

DecorHate · 17/03/2010 12:27

Whereabouts do you live? I agree that commercial open farms are expensive to visit but you can sometimes find free ones - eg there is a country park near us (outskirts of London) which has a small farm which is free to visit.

bubblagirl · 17/03/2010 12:30

we lived in one bedroom flat with small balcony until ds was 19mths we had lovely play field near us and would spend days just over there with uv tent and picnic

we are now in 2 bed flat with shared garden which we never get the use of but spend as much time over the park with picnics dont need to be out in it all day anyway just tp lay and relax and back home we do pretty well i did find the more i thought and stressed about it it felt unbearable but since then we enjoy it as it gets us out exercising to get there and it feels like you have done something every day

and when ds was really small on our small balcony i would put pound store paddling pool and ds was happy as anything sitting and splashing in that probably had more fun on there then we do at park lol

bubblagirl · 17/03/2010 12:33

we had some pots you hang over balcony and my ds would dig at these paddling pool on balcony with plenty of bath toys in it then a trip to park later he'll be fine many children grow up in tower blocks with nothing and do well

my ds has never complained about not being out all day he enjoys his little trips we do walks round the block before lunch then later before dinner we go to the park and then his used energy for dinner bath and bed

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 12:35

We already have pots on the balcony hanging over the edge, hanging baskets and window boxs any were I can grow some thing I do. Last year we had stawberrys, hanging tomatoes and salad in pots on the window sills.
No they dont do any 'outdoorsy' things at the sure start center wish they did. But what great idea I will ask if they could think about doing some thing like that next term.

OP posts:

Mongolia · 17/03/2010 12:37

I grew up with acres of wilderness around me, my ex in a flat in a central location.

First house we got, was chosen to raise children the way I grew up... Ha ha, We hated it, first the isolation and second that we became slaves of the garden

Now we live in a small terrace house, with a big patio we NEVER use. We love it!

Although the garden was part of my childhood, the adult part of me hates the responsibility of taking care of it. DS seems to be coping fine with long walks in the countryside from time to time, and the plants they sow in school.

IHaveABlueCar · 17/03/2010 12:45

Do either of your parents/siblings/friends have a big enough garden nearby that you could have a corner of to grow veg? I would love to have some veg in my garden so my dc's could see it grow etc but am way too lazy and incompetent busy and inexperienced to do it myself.

Also, fwiw, when we lived in a flat with no outside space we used to go to the park/feed the ducks etc loads, now we have our own garden we tend to do that much less and I think the kids miss it. ds2 has barely even seen a real duck

overmydeadbody · 17/03/2010 12:46

YABU

Stop over-worrying. There are plenty of opportunities to go out in the wilderness and explore and get messy and dig and stuff, you can take up camping and go away for weekends, go to parks, he will be able to play outdoors at nursery and at school too and when he's old enough he can join Beavers and then scouts etc.

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 13:00

All my family and friend live miles away across town. I know what a lot of you are saying about the responsibility of a garden but for me is a responsibiliy I long for and teach my son. When I lived with my mum (years ago) my time outside weeding, diging mowing the grass was my time think and give thanks for what I had.

OP posts:

dixiechick1975 · 17/03/2010 13:01

The local agricultural college near us has advertised a lambing day this weekend with lots of activities for the children and it is £1.50 an adult and free for under 5's. They also have a summer open day. Anything like that near you?

happysmiley · 17/03/2010 13:15

Is this for you or for your son? It sounds like you feel like you and he are both missing out but it also sounds like you actually do quite a lot of outdoorsy stuff with him when you can and (compared to lots of kids) he's not missing out at all.

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 13:15

I will have a look and see what I can see on the net as far as lambing days etc go on the net. Great idea thanks dixiechick1975.

Thank you for support about it not doing my little man any harm thats whats important after all.

OP posts:

Original poster

byanymeans · 17/03/2010 13:30

happysmiley: I feel like Im crap mum for not being able to give him out door space. All I ment by the responsibility coment before was that if I could have garden I not see it as job tht had to be done but a chance to teach my son what my dad taught me not just gardening but how to take time out watch nature at work.
Of course we would all benfit if we had out side space (plus I would have to pile all bits up and down the sairs just to get it the flat) but I cant help thinking what I cant give and it gets in very down.

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 17/03/2010 13:38

I think you need to reframe this for yourself.

Think about what you do give him. Security. Love. fun activities. A family.

A garden is neither here nor there. what he has never had he won't miss. Believe me!. DS was brought up in the exact same circumstances, and is fine. Parks are good!

The allotment is a good idea, though I know that there are long waiting lists. But in the meantime, how about going down to your nearest one and seeing if someone needs some help on theirs?

I can't give my ds the large 4 bedroomed house with marvellous garden I was brought up in, its just not economically possible these days...you wouldn' t tell me I was letting him down now, would you?

FutureMum · 17/03/2010 13:43

Hi there,

I was brought up in a small flat with balcony, had a share a bedroom with sis until a teenager, as many do in Spain.
Yes, it would have been lovely to have a garden, but you can always take your child to the park, beach, allotment, etc. as others suggested. IMO, your focus on loving them and providing them with a happy, secure and stimulating childhood is far more important than the type of housing you can afford.

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