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AIBU?

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Original poster

Thinking DD is being really nasty here? or am I over reacting?

99 replies

Enchilada81 · 16/03/2010 11:50

DD and her friend went to the same primary school for years but then different secondary schools. They have kept in touch though via texting and facebook and occasionally go to each others houses.

Anyway they're in year 8 now so have been in secondary school for around 2 and a half years.

Last week, this girl came around to our house for tea. They had fun, played on the wii and it was a pleasure having her.

DD is supposed to be asking her to stay overnight in a couple of weeks (as DD has stayed at her house overnight a few times).

Anyway, I've just been on facebook to see DD and her mates from school ripping the piss out of this girl saying she's a lesbian and "it's always been obvious" etc. It was in response to one of those quiz things but the worst bit about it is it will actually be published on the girls own fb wall.

There's about 3 of them, including DD laughing and jeering about the poor girl. DD at one point says "aww i'm only jking chaz" but then a bit further down says "do u really think she could b a lezza? lol"

At the end of it, one of the girls says "she will b able to c all this lol"

I think its awful. DD will no doubt say it was just a joke and "chav" will know that but I think its really bitchy. I can't imagine her wanting to come here to sleep over when she reads all that either.

Am I over-reacting? is this just what kids are like now?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/03/2010 11:53

it seems to be what kids are like!!

i would speak to her and make her delete it

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 11:53

God, I hope not. I would be extremely angry with her. That is cyber-bullying. My DCs are 6 and 9, but TBH, if I ever got wind that sort of behaviour, I'd have them off FB.

bruffin · 16/03/2010 11:58

No you are not over reacting. I have a 12yr old DD and if I found her writing anything like that on Facebook she knows she will be banned. I have reported someone from her school for writing something very unpleasant about one of DD's friends (DD was upset and showed me)

Rejessta · 16/03/2010 12:01

It sounds pretty much like kids when I was growing up, though you could probably substitute "lezza" for "bitch" or "cow" or, in my case, "ginga". Kids are always jostling for position in the pack.

That being said, your DD has opened a door here. If it's just teasing then I am sure she'll be comfortable with her mother posting those cute baby pictures...

tootyflooty · 16/03/2010 12:02

how refreshing to hear a parent berating her own child. good for you, talk to her and get her to delete these comments and also phone her friend to apologise.some parents think their kids can do no wrong. She is lucky to have such a sensible mother to guide her.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 12:03

Girls were not this bitchy when I was growing up (and i went to a girls school). Even if they were, FB adds a whole new dimension to it. Ask your DD how she would feel if someone was spreading rumours about her ........

JaneS · 16/03/2010 12:03

That's really nasty. Tell your DD it's not on.

I think this is a bit like inverse snobbery - pretending you're so accepting of homosexuality you can take the piss out of it as an avant-garde 'joke'. Suggesting it's all meant in fun doesn't mean it won't upset this girl.

Good for you for wanting to rein her in.

CMOTdibbler · 16/03/2010 12:04

I'd make her delete it, and ban her from Facebook for a period of time. It's bullying no question - when I was a child, that sort of 'teasing' made my life a bloody misery, and the worst thing was that it was my 'friends' who did it

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 12:04

I like the idea of her phoning or writing to her friend to apologise tooty

gingernutlover · 16/03/2010 12:06

YANBU, make her delete it and then she should speak up against the other girls. She probably did just get carried away but she needs to know her actions have consequences

GypsyMoth · 16/03/2010 12:06

my ds was recently being nasty to his sister....in fb chat and on her page,one was upstairs the other down

i made them delete the wall postings and have changed ds password,as he only had fb on proviso he would use it properly,so he's lost that priviledge now and i dont care if his fish (happy aquarium) die!!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 12:07

Also (can you tell I'm fired up about this ? ). Get her a copy of Bullies, Bigmouths and So-Called Friends to read, so she can understand what it's like to be bullied

JaneS · 16/03/2010 12:07

Do you not think the writing/phoning could backfire? I could see it turning into one of those situations where everyone knows girl x has been bullied and girl y's mum has made the bullied apologize. Doesn't do much for street cred of the bullied girl and could make it all seem a bigger issue than it is.

Best case scenario is that the OP's daughter and the others get a sharp warning to stop and everything goes quiet, surely?

thisisyesterday · 16/03/2010 12:10

i dont thin this is a new thing, girls at my school were certainly the same, although it was in real life rather than online!

that said i do think you need to talk to her and get her to remove the comments and apologise to the girl because it's really very unkind

Niftyblue · 16/03/2010 12:13

Good for you

I would close her facebook account
And I would get her to phone the girl and say sorry
I would also ground her as it is bullying

Rindercella · 16/03/2010 12:14

YANBU. You are not over-reacting and good for you for not thinking your DD can do no wrong. I think the suggestion that making your DD delete the comments, banning her from FB for a period of time and apologising to her friend is a good one. Perhaps say to her that she can start using FB again when she shows herself to be mature enough to do so and not subject a 'friend' to online bullying.

Must be horrible for that poor girl to read those comments.

I disagree that girls haven't always been this bitchy though - they were when I was a teenager some 25 years ago. However, then it was just confined to the playground; now they have the means to get to you when you're in the comparative safety of your own home.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 12:16

LittleDragon - I see what you are getting at but I don't agree. There's no reason why anyone else needs to find out about the apology, and also, it's more important that DD apologises than any slight humiliation she might feel. You hurt a friend, you apologise.

I don't really want to live in a society where bullying behaviour gives you street cred and apologies make you a loser. (I am aware this sound idealistic and possibly a but pious0

wishingchair · 16/03/2010 12:17

Agree thisisyesterday - 20+ years ago girls were just as mean but just not online.

GetOrfMoiLand · 16/03/2010 12:17

This is bullying.

My 14 year old daughter was horriby bullied last year - she had people hack into her facebook, change all thesettings, write on her wall or whatever it's called I AM A LESBIAN CUNT.

It went from facebook and MSN to school, with kids whispering that dd was a lesbian slag, bitch, everything. DD as you can imagine was utterly devastated. These were a bunch of kids she onlty knew from English class - not her actual friendship group but she knew them. However these kids were in the 'in' crowd at school. dd's friends were scared to be friends with her because they were part of the 'lezza crew'.

I can't tell you how heatrbreaking it was for dd. She was utterly broken by all this. Anywone who can say that this is just a bit of banter, 'sticks and stones' etc, should have seen my normally outgoing and confident daughter being reduced to an utter husk in 3 months. She ended up being in internal exclusion in her school as she was too scared and humiliated to go to lessons. The bullying escalated and her books were knocked into her hand, stuff was thrown at her head in the corridors. Once kids sense that someone is a victim they are completely merciless.

DP took her to school one morning - school is about 12 miles from her house. She cried all the way there and begged him not to make her get out of the car. This is from a child who all through her life has absolutely loved school.

That was it. I moved her school - she is now in an utterly crappy sink school (previous school wasselective) but she couldn't be happier. She has got her confidence back and loves school and everything in it.

OP it is really nice that you are angry with your dd about this and see the need to nip any of this in the bud. What looks like a bit of low level teasing can easily escalate into something cruel and destroying.

If I were you I would come down like a ton of bricks on your dd, and if you know the mother of the girl they are on about, I would contact her and say that you know about the comments on the FB and you are putting a stop to it. Somewhere out there is a teenage girl abolsutely mortified with shame that this is being said about her. It would be nice if you did something to help her.

Sorry, ranting on a bit there, but this thread has really touched a raw nerve.

TheFirstLady · 16/03/2010 12:17

I think you are really right to be disturbed by this and you are not overreacting at all. If I caught my Yr 8 DD doing this I would make her remove all the comments she made, apologise to her friend and I would also ban her from FB for a month.
No way can I accept that this is "just what kids are like" these days. Yes, teenagers can be thoughtless and unwittingly cruel to their peers but that doesn't mean we can just shrug our shoulders about it. It's our job to teach them otherwise.
Enchilada, if she says it is just a joke ask her to think, really think, about how she would feel to open her Facebook and find those sorts of comments directed at her.

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 16/03/2010 12:18

No you are not over reacting your Daughter is being a nasty little bitch, please please point out to her how wrong this is and how would she like it if the shoe was on the other foot?

Poor girl having "friends" like this, I hope she finds some better one then your DD and her click

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/03/2010 12:19

GetOrf makes me v angry to read this. Glad your DD is happy now, but it's so crap that she had to be the one to move.

Anyone can be bullied ....

JaneS · 16/03/2010 12:21

See what you mean, Jamie. I was just worried that the OP's daughter might end up saying to her friends, 'oh yes, the girl we bullied is a big wuss, I had to apologise to her because she was upset, and that's silly of her because it was all a joke'. I don't mean to suggest OP's daughter would do this, but some children would.

GypsyMoth · 16/03/2010 12:21

that was a bit harsh Kimi!!

GetOrfMoiLand · 16/03/2010 12:21

Sorry (this is so stupid and I am not normally a wuss) but am just crying here at remembering how bloody miserable dd was. She would come home looking grey from stress. It was only a couple of months ago - I remember when it was going on it was only a couple of months after some poor 15 year old girl hurled herself off a bridge because she had been bullied for ages and just couldn't cope any more.

I was bloody terrified that things wouldn't get better for dd and she would end up like that poor, wrteched girl.