Good lord woman - well yes I see why you're feeling a bit down. Eeeek! Ok then lets see:
The garden
Infront of the 8ft patio which goes whole length of house.. On the left hand side old apple tree (adding to my ridiculous hysterical fear of wasps)
Right - apple trees are lovely but you don't have to keep it if you don't like it. This time of year you're getting too late for wasps anyway do live with it till Christmas and then cut it down if you really don't like it.
and wild strawberry plants, blackberries and DH's shed. All very overgrown. path to top of garden with a fence joining onto garden behind which I find weird.
Sounds like you need to do some planting against this fence to give you more privacy? Or maybe even those bamboo screen things you can get in garden centres.
Right hand side of garden there is a conservatory, rectangle of grass about 10 x 15 ft,
So space for the kids to play then? Good.
above that a little knee high fence, above that wilderness square the same size, above that more blackberries and holly bushes and behind neighbour.
You need to get a strimmer and cut this back then think what would be useful for you. Another patio though? A space to build a play house on a concrete base? A veg plot?
Basically that all sounds like you could make it lovely. The thing to do is hack back a bit of stuff now then think what you will use it most for - if you want to barbeque then maybe build a patio of a outside loggia thing where you could really enjoy eating. If the kids are going to play rugby then go for more grass.
The bathroom
Green bath sink and loo with pipe dribbling into back of loo (boak) and below loo (boak boak).
That just needs to be fixed - sounds grim - this is a priority for whatever cash you've got. If you can't afford a white suite then just do the loo and buy a new white basin in 6 months and then the bath six months after that. Even mismatched will look better then something ancient and dripping.
Polystyrene tiles on ceiling,
This is a bit tricky - I believe when you try to take these off generally the rest of the ceiling tries to come too. I think that's a job for the professionals when you can afford it. In the mean time try to track down paint you can use on them to get rid of the orange tinge they no doubt have.
dark green wallpaper.
Strip and repaint asap. Shouldn't be too hard most bathroom wallpaper is almost falling off with the damp.
Brown wee smelling carpet!!
Take this up tomorrow. Anything - including bare boards is better. You could just paint the boards?
Kitchen
Orangey brown units,
Are they intact? If so look at painting them and replacing the handles. I have an idea that white or cream on the units with handles in lots of primary colours could be cute for a bit till you can get a new kitchen. You can buy cheap wooden handles and paint them. I think some spotty curtains and lightshade could also be good - after all the house is driving you dotty!
white flowery wall tiles,
Two words - tile paint!
big window overlooking garden.
See above for curtains
1979 gas cooker, 1979 gas hob on backwards. 1979 instructions for above in drawers. Think it may be condemned as it takes almost an hour to heat up and doesn't cook pizza.
This is a priority - it has to go!
Bedroom walls
Bright blue stripey wallpaper
Ok it's got to go - if you don't have the time and money to do it now then buy lots of tester pots and try out colours on it. It will look messy but at least you'll feel like you are moving forward not just sleeping and suffering with it.
and dark brown fitted louvre door wardrobes. Not big enough for our KS bed to fit in, walk round bed AND open door.
You need a sledgehammer - just knock the wardrobes out! Then you'll get a bit extra space - which you need!
Curtains and lampshades
Nope - just the ones that the previous owner left...very good idea to replace them asap.
No house feels homely without these things - they are a key project. You probably can't afford the nice wallpaper or soft furnishings you want for each room now - but buy the lampshade or the picture or whatever that's going to be a promise to you of what you need to get to where you want to be.
heating?
Clanks like a ghost in chains all night but is much warmer than previous house. Hoping heating bills will be less.
Ok just get it serviced and then rejoice in the heat.
front door
PVC with a 3ft dog on the glass (FFS why would you have a 3ft dog on your front door, now anybody reading this who might know me knows it is definately me as I hate the door and it's the only one I have ever seen in this town!!)
This is also a key project. You need a new door. Ask your family to buy you it for Christmas. You are never going to feel at home till the dog on the door is long gone! DO NOT skip this though. Put it on Ebay - somebody will be mad enough to buy it.
front fence/gate
None!! 6ft x 11 ft garden in front with spindly rose bushes and a hige freaky shaped bush.
Get out the shears and lose the bushes, sounds like they've outlived their useful life. Put up a fence - however small. Boundaries are very important to us.
Footpath goes past. Bright pink footpath leads from our house to footpath (bright pink!!)
Ok - paint this, tomorrow!
Regarding the smoking - it will be tough to get this out of the carpets. Either buy new, take them up and go with boards for a bit or shampoo them to within an inch of their life.
This sounds like a great house, every penny you spend is money you are putting back in to your own pocket and you can make it lovely. Just pick a few areas to focus on and get rid of the worst problems - I think bathroom loo and carpet, front door, front path and the kitchen are the key bits for now. I would also make sure you have a radio in the kitchen. If you can get bouncy, happy musice going in there then you WILL feel better.
Good luck - I'm going to go on B&Q's website etc now and find some stuff to give you ideas
HTH