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AIBU?

to have cancelled DD2's birthday trip to legoland

109 replies

SparklyGothKat · 02/10/2009 07:18

It DD2's 8th birthday on saturday we were supposed to go to Legoland.

Last sat. we went to the shopping centre while waiting for DS1 to come out of the cinema, she spotted a necklace in Claires which was about £5. I said I would come back in the week and get it for her birthday, at which she started screaming and stormed off. I left her to it and took a slow walk ahead saying if she didn't come back to me and stop screaming she would lose her legoland trip. She carried on, and refused to come walk with us, and carried on sulking and screaming in a shop doorway. DH went over and picked her up and we went and sat in the car until it was time to pick up DS1. I told her that because of that behaviour she has defo lost her birthday trip.

She keeps saying she is sorry now and really wants to go, but I refuse to take her to a place that costs lots and then her do the same when we are there, because I can't buy her something. We have had this problem for a while and its draining me tbh

so AIBU??

OP posts:

Report

purpleduck · 02/10/2009 14:12

I think birthdays should be sancrosanct - no messing with them.

I think the punishment is a bit too harsh,and I agree with Ruddy and otter.

I have threatened punishments in the heat of the moment, and I don't for one second believe that I need to "stand my ground" just because I'm an adult

What does that teach children? That adults are inflexible? That if you say/ do something wrong you should pretend its fine and not discuss it?
There have been many times I have said "hang on, I was angry, I shouldn't have threatened to punish THAT - but you will be punished"

purpleduck · 02/10/2009 14:14

BTW, I think adults making ott threats when angry is bad behaviour too

babybarrister · 02/10/2009 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starwhores · 02/10/2009 14:20

I wouldn't have threatened such a massive punishment, especially a birthday trip. I may give her a get out where through chores and consideration for others she can earn back the trip.

SoupDragon · 02/10/2009 14:23

She is still getting a birthday trip.

Just not the really expensive one.

I do not regret cancelling DSs birthday party. In fact, I did relent after 2 weeks of good behaviour but their behaviour was then so appalling when we went to book it, I didn't.

mrsruffallo · 02/10/2009 14:23

I don't think that the punishment fits the crime.
I all for settig boundaries, but you should have thought of a more appropriate punishment (i.e no necklace and treats until she learns some manners)

SparklyGothKat · 02/10/2009 14:36

she is still getting a birthday trip, to the farm, with a picnic and cake etc, Misdee's DD3 and DD4 will be able to come too. They have soft play there too so will have fun there.

Her behaviour has been an ongoing issue for a while now, nothing we have tried works. She said today in the car that if we weren't going to LL could we please ask Misdee's DDs to the farm, so I think she has realised that her behaviour wasn't on and yes I have spoken to her about her behaviour on many occassions.

I know some feel that birthdays are special and shouldn't be messed with, but she needs to understand that I am not going to take her to a place where she will melt down because of XYZ, the farm is nearby so can bring her home if she does melt down there. We have said that we can't trust her to behave at LL, when we can't even go to a shopping centre which an argument.

I wasn't angry when she kicked off I was calm and collected, I spoke calmly but firmly but she just carried on.

Am leaving this now, thanks for all your replies, maybe I won't be so quick to punish her next time..

OP posts:

grumpypants · 02/10/2009 14:46

don't leave just yet! wanted to say, we took the kids on a rare -ish restaurant trip and ds (age 6) was acting up (ongoing, behavioural problems, paed appt'ments) hitting his dad, getting up and down etc and was told no pudding. After that he kept on, so I took him out to wait in the car (first time). We had been getting lots of 'looks' etc and I had to carry him out sobbing and crying. BUT, sometimes you have to make a point and this made it. Stick to your guns.

OtterInaSkoda · 02/10/2009 14:50

I don't think it's a case of punishment tbh. GothKat's dd behaved terribly and she has every reason to suspect that she might do the same at Legoland. Not going is not about punishment - it's about avoiding another almighty ding dong in public. It's a consequence rather than a punishment - the consequence of behaving like GothKat's dd is that you don't get to go to flashy places like Legoland because people won't want to go with you.
I think this is why I really didn't like what that woman in the Mail did when she threatened to burst her 3yo dd's balloon if she didn't get off the swing. The lesson the dd got there was that if you don't do what they want, bigger people will break your stuff. Nice.
I don't think I'm splitting hairs, but feel free to disagree

OtterInaSkoda · 02/10/2009 14:53

GothKat I'm sure your dd will have a lovely time. And you've done the right thing.

katiestar · 02/10/2009 14:58

YAB vety Unreasonable .the punishment is not proportional for a childhood tantrum which is just after all her expressing her opinion albeit in a very immature way.
People who say if you threaten something then you have to follow it through are wrong.If you say something in the heat of the moment ,which on reflection is wrong.Then you explain that to your DC.What kind of message are you sending out if you are too stubborn to change your mind when you have said something unreasonable in the heat of the moment.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2009 15:14

Hando, the OP said that she had originally planned to come back in the week to get the necklace. Then the tantrum happened. Consequenece of tantrum would have been that the OP didn't go back and get the necklace later in the week after all because of the bad behaviour.

OP, you mnention you've dealt with BAD behaviour by taking away toys etc. Have you tried the opposite? i.e. promising her a small reward after the end of a period of GOOD behaviour?

SparklyGothKat · 02/10/2009 15:52

Yep tried that, tried star charts, good behaviour rewards etc, all that happens she can't do it, and doesn't get the reward and end up with more bad behaviour

leaving again

OP posts:

girlsyearapart · 02/10/2009 16:20

Yep SpiceMonster you may join myself and belgoeven though I'm a bit that you must ve lived near Walibi..

SGK- don't listen to ozzimum that was mega harsh. Your dd will still have a lovely time at the farm.
I went to the farm for the day on my 30th (no not the funny farm before anyone asks)and twas lovely.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2009 16:25

You've got my sympathy, SGK. It must be very hard to deal with. I suppose the important thing is keep persevering as you are, never to let a tantrum go without a punishment of some sort and just hope she grows out of it. I'm sure she will. I've only got boys but have heard that in some girls the hormones can start raging quite early. Maybe by the time she is 14 she will be an angel.

SparklyGothKat · 02/10/2009 16:30

I can but hope Curly my DS1, 11 is an angel, bet he turns into a monster when he starts puberty hehe

OP posts:

MmeGoblindt · 02/10/2009 16:45

A friend of DD had her birthday party cancelled this year, for a really good reason. She is a good bit younger than your DD, SGK, only 6yo. A couple of months later they had a party, but it was not a big "birthday" celebration and her guests were told not to bring gifts. Her behaviour was very bad beforehand and has improved a good bit.

I have been thinking about this today and have come to the conclusion that it was a BIG thing to threaten for a one off temper tantrum.

In relation to the big picture, her dreadful behaviour over a period of many months, it is not too harsh.

SGK, I hope that it works and that her behaviour improves. Have a good time at the farm.

Hando · 02/10/2009 16:54

Ruddynorah - Did you read the horrible comments Ozzi made to the OP?

Curlyhaired - Oh yes I see. Well I still agree with what OP did. If it was a random one off event then she probably would have just not got the necklace, but as a repeated incident the not going to Legoland is perfect. She not "cancelling" birthday. They still get a little trip out, cake, presents etc.

My dd was a cheeky monkey tonight, she jumped and shouted and was really naughty whilst I was trying to have a quick chat with another child after school. So she lost her tv and computer time tonight and sulked all the way home. I felt bad, but she's done this a few times now and I am pretty confident that she will not do it again in a hurry. If it works then fantastic OP, if not and she keeps having the tantrums for things then keep doing it. Keep expalining to her what will happen if she behaves like it and stick to it. It's also worth checking there isn;t something bothering her to make her behave this way (are things with school ok, any major changes at home etc).

SoupDragon · 02/10/2009 17:36

"Consequenece of tantrum would have been that the OP didn't go back and get the necklace later in the week after all because of the bad behaviour."

But that's not a consequence at all because she didn't have it to start with. Thus, in the eyes of a child, she has lost nothing by having a tantrum - she didn't have the necklace and she still doesn't.

QueenGlorianathethird · 02/10/2009 18:04

"A couple of months later they had a party, but it was not a big "birthday" celebration and her guests were told not to bring gifts."

So the 6yo was punished twice. Wonderful parenting

ScummyMummy · 03/10/2009 08:50

She would have had the necklace for her birthday if she hadn't gone bananas though.

Anyway, I think fennel's approach is good and would agree 100% if it wasn't for the birthday connection. I still think birthday plans should be completely exempt from use as sanctions, myself.

Astrid28 · 03/10/2009 10:09

I have a friend who left her 2 boys with her mother for a few days while she and her DH went on a holiday they were supposed to be going on because they would not stop fighting.

She threatened them with it for weeks leading up to the holiday and they were driving her to distraction, they didn't listen so she followed through with it.

They survived, and as far as I know they still fight, but she had a few days peace to treasure!!

I don't think YABU. Empty threats to children regarding bad behaviour is one of my pet peeves.

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hotpotato11 · 05/10/2009 13:17

I don't see why a tantrum has to be punished- just ignored !

BrigitBigKnickers · 05/10/2009 18:35

I think tantrums can be ignored in toddlers. But and 8 year old should know better!

hotpotato11 · 05/10/2009 22:40

But punishing is just giving attention !

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